Girlfriend is depressed

somepihelp

Hi there,
Can someone help as im close to my wits end here.
Ive been seeing a beautiful foreign girl for the last 3 years and its been great, but she has pretty bad anxiety/depression that cripples her and our relationship sometimes.

She is BRCA1 pos and has 80% lifetime chance of getting breast ca, and likely before 35 too. Her mum died very early and this really scarred her. If she has breast removing surgery this risk goes down to less than any other woman. But she is reluctant to have this done. And definitely wont have it done outside of her home country, which she cant do for another 2 years.

She has a therapist in her home country and is on SSRI, but it doesnt seem to be helping these days. There is almost every week a new catastrophe. A new person to hate. A new reason to hate life. She talks about suicide but its only to get at me so far i think. I hope its not real, but what can i do?

She wont see a doc here.
I am useless at these things as i have no concept or belief in mental illness. I just cannot identify with something that isnt fixable. Ive tried but its so frustrating. I suppose ive had a privileged life with no problems that i couldnt cope with. Which isnt really true as i was severly bullied in school. Anyway i guess we all have different coping strategies....


But what do i do? I mean, we have great times together. All my family loves her. But then once a fortnight or once a week these days, we hit rock bottom. She says shes useless, a waste of space, that she has no friends. And the episodes of hate. She is burning up with vitriol sometimes. If she could just relax a bit shed be fine, but i cant see that happening.

I know its very hard for her in a new country. We are almost finished college, starting work in a very mentally draining job and i dont know if she will be able to cope with it. I dont think she can cope with real life at all.

She wants me to emigrate to her country after college. I would love to. But will it be any better there?

Im being very frank here, and i feel bad for going behind her back. But i need some help?

I know i am useless as a boyfriend here. I say stupid things that drive her mad. My attempts to help are pathetic and usually just end up in bigger rows as i try to 'fix' it.

Im only a lads lad. I live rugby, gaa, surfing, beer, my work. Im a simple man. I dont know how to cope with this...

Can anyone help please?

blatantrereg

We all have different coping mechanisms alright. Hers seems to be taking things out on you. Having depression doesn't equate to raging at your partner. Plenty of people have depression and anxiety and still manage to treat others with normal courtesy, especially people they are supposed to care about.

You're not responsible for her. She's responsible for her own behaviour. Her behaviour is not ok and I think you would be better not accepting it, and probably not pursuing your relationship any further.

busymom31

She needs to see a doctor. Whats her problem with doctors here?

You cant take antidepressants and not be monitored even every few months.

somepihelp

Ah i dont know, im not giving an accurate picture here of course since im biased. I am far from perfect myself...
Shes in bed now and wont get up, saying everything would be ok if she never woke up.

Fecking hell, what do i do?
I really like the girl, i even love her. We've had 3 mainly good years. Thats the longest relationship ive ever been in. I couldnt imagine leaving her. I dont even know if i want to. My life is definitely better with her than without...
I think if i did leave, i would be reading about her in the papers soon :-(

Re - doctors here. She thinks its too expensive and wouldnt help. Shes so set that only her therapist in her own country can help her. She only sees her therapist 2x a year...

witchqueen

First of all OP you have my biggest respect for staying with her! I can imagine it isn't easy, depression is a right b*tch. I'm a foreigner too and suffered from depression, I had to see a doctor here and I found that doctors here take depression more serious than in my country. I received great help and I'm off the meds for 2 years.

You said you had 3 mainly good years is there anything that triggered her? It sounds like she's got worse recently. I can't give you much advice what to do at the moment with the state she's in. Can you try and get her out of bed and do something, like a long walk, an evening out or something else she would enjoy? It is important that she doesn't let herself get into the habit of staying in bed all weekend, even if it seems to be the easiest for her to do. I know the feeling. All the best for you and stay strong, it's hard not to get pulled down too.

afterglow

hi there OP

So, my 2 cents, for what they are worth...

i'm 25, and about 6 or 7 years ago I went through a little bit of depression, probably not as bad as your GF's but please bear with me here...
At the time, my first serious bf broke up with me, add to this that my mum had breast cancer at the time and it just all got two much! I became really down, to the point of contemplating ending things, even got some "supplies" well the start of them anyway, this is not really all that important but just trying to paint a picture for you. I constantly told my ex bf what I was planning, how I didn't want to be here anymore, didn't want to make a mess of my intended deeds, which obviously never happend, was always just talking to him trying to get his attention. In the end, I decided it was either see a therapist or the alternative would not have been good. I told my parents after a few weeks of going to see the counseller and they went crazy, but all is fine now thank god, I am extremely happy with a boyfriend who i have had for 4 years, we live together and I could not be happier
In my humble opinion, I would say that her not wanting to see docs/therapists here is a bit ridiculous. I was never on medication because my theory was I new why I was down, and if I'd had everything and still felt bad I would have taken meds, I say this only to let you know that even when things were bad for me, I had a certain amount of rationalisation. If your gf is on meds, and as others here have said, should be being monittered then it's very important that she gets to a doctor at some point. Having been down myself and come through the other side, I am not really a believer in the concept that there is no way out. there always is, you just have to give yourself the tools to find it. In your gf's case, it sounds like this is a combination of seeing a doctor and therapy. If she is refusing this, then to me, and not meaning to sound harsh or unhelpful, but it would seem a little like she does not want to help herself. This is not only unfair and unjust to herself, but to you two OP. I think it says enormous amounts about you as a person that you have come on this forum and written what you have, you obviously love your gf and want to help her, and it makes me sad for you that she doesn't want the same. I don't know if this is possible, but is there anyone from her family/country that you could get in touch with, maybe tell them the situation and see if there is anything they could do?
I really do sincerely hope that your gf finds the strength to seek medical help and therapy, and that you can both go on to have a happy life together. she is incredibly lucky to have someone that cares about her as much as you clearly do!
The very best of luck.

P. Breathnach

It can be very difficult to deal with a person one loves going through depression. You paint a picture of yourself as being ill-prepared by life for such a challenge. Except for one very important thing: you love her. Even posting anonymously, you found it difficult to say that.

This conversation has to be mainly about you, because your girlfriend is not the one here seeking help.

I want to emphasise something that you recognise: you can't fix things for her. What you can do is help her to fix herself. That's easy to say, but far from easy to do. It is likely to be good for her if you make her feel loved, and if she sees you as her supporter rather than her manager. Support her in everything that she does that seems positive; do not confront bad decisions head-on, but try to deflect things a bit, or simply slide away from them. There might be times when the best thing you can do for her is simply hold her.

You seem to think that the medical management of her condition is inadequate, and you may be right. It is frustrating, very frustrating, that you can not persuade her to look at other options. It's particularly so when money seems to be the reason why. I gather she is a student. Does her college have medical or counselling services available? Might that be worth exploring?

It is interesting that almost the first thing you told us about her is of her breast cancer risk. That's a biggie, and it seems that she fears, perhaps even more, the effects of mastectomy. In one sense, the main effect is cosmetic: but the prospect of losing her breasts might seem to her like losing her essence as a woman. It's not easy to deliver useful reassurance, even if you sincerely believe what you say. Do you think (more important, does she think) that this is the main cause of her psychological problems?

SuperInfinity

I strongly believe that most mood disorders are caused by eating the wrong diet, not getting enough exercise, and maybe constantly being forced to do things that you don't want to do. I think a diet high in fruit and/or fruit juice is important to keep a good mood. Suggest to her that she experiments with what she eats and her lifestyle, see if she notices a difference that way.

A famous psychologist once noted that: "anxiety without a cause quickly attaches itself to a cause".... meaning that when people have a problem that causes negative mood, they quickly find world-based reasons for them when it can be completely physiological. There have been people who've been long-term hysterical and so anxious they're hardly able to sleep for months who would attach this to one of their children getting a dui or something. Or like how very old people know they're going to die soon, but this doesn't necessarily make them depressed. Our innermost selves doesn't really take notice of these abstract pieces of information, and if it did then it wouldn't make any sense for it to depress us. Even if you're inclined to believe 100% that this or that is the reason for your low mood... there's a good chance it isn't.

EricPraline

SuperInfinity wrote: »

I strongly believe that most mood disorders are caused by eating the wrong diet, not getting enough exercise, and maybe constantly being forced to do things that you don't want to do. I think a diet high in fruit and/or fruit juice is important to keep a good mood. Suggest to her that she experiments with what she eats and her lifestyle, see if she notices a difference that way.

With the greatest respect, a fad diet or "a good mood" is unlikely to alleviate long-term depression, let alone the BRCA1 susceptibility. As another poster said, this is something that is likely to weigh on her mind on a daily basis, and understandably so.

OP, finding a doctor that she is comfortable enough to speak to is a key issue. I know that this is beyond the realms of your experience, but if you could help her find a GP that she could trust, this might really make a vital difference for her. That's definitely easier said than done, and there's only so much you can do. It sounds like you are already supporting her as well as you can, and you should be proud of yourself for making that effort.

SuperInfinity

EricPraline wrote: »

With the greatest respect, a fad diet or "a good mood" is unlikely to alleviate long-term depression, let alone the BRCA1 susceptibility. As another poster said, this is something that is likely to weigh on her mind on a daily basis, and understandably so.

OP, finding a doctor that she is comfortable enough to speak to is a key issue. I know that this is beyond the realms of your experience, but if you could help her find a GP that she could trust, this might really make a vital difference for her. That's definitely easier said than done, and there's only so much you can do. It sounds like you are already supporting her as well as you can, and you should be proud of yourself for making that effort.

Excuse me, I gave OP my opinion and don't care about your views on it. We don't have to reach a unanimous opinion.

Poo pooing a radical or minority view is not the way to go.

a posse ad esse

I don't know where your gf comes from but perhaps she would benefit meeting with a GP that comes from the same culture and speaks her language? Depression has no cultural boundaries but every culture is different when it comes to intervention and approaches to treatment. This could be one of the reasons why she prefers seeing the doc back home versus here? Does she even have a GP in Ireland? Or would she have to go into a walk-in where the doctor barely spends any time with you? Just hands the script and expect one to head off on their merry way? If that is the case than that may be why she refuses to see one as it may have made her feel not worthy enough of their time?

Unfortunately, there is not much more you can do for her. In the end, the decision is hers and she has to take the initiative to do something about it. Be supportive but do not become her caretaker. If she wants to vent it is best she does so with a counsellor. Proper counselling like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will help end her cycle of negative thinking. BTW, meds are not enough to combat depression, furthermore, meds may need to be adjusted or prescriptions changed and in order to get proper treatment for depression it needs to be ongoing. Not infrequently which is what she is doing and what also can stunt progress. If you are having a hard time dealing with this-believe me it is not easy, you need to be upfront on how you feel about this. Tell her on one of her good days how her moods really make you feel. Encourage her to seek counselling as they will be able to help her more and you are really not equipped to do so. Maybe retrieve a brochure from the campus counselling offices and give it to her when you have this talk. Many people do recover from depression but it takes work and to be honest a pill is only a band-aid solution. It may work for the first few months....than what? She needs to learn healthier coping strategies and that is only done through counselling. All you can really do for her is just be there and support her along the way.

Taltos

Hi SuperInfinity - welcome to PI/RI.
While opinions are welcome here they have to comply with site faq, terms of use and our charter. PI/RI is a strictly moderated forum and this means that any breach of the rules here can and does result in moderator action up to and including the issuing of permanent bans.

FAQ: Don't give / request medical advice.

Charter: Petty differences with other boards members will not be tolerated.
PI/RI is not a discussion forum, if you have no constructive advice for the OP please don't post. Similarly if someone has an issue with a post as above please just report it and don't respond on thread, as this risks thread being pulled off topic.

Thanks
Taltos

somepihelp

Thanks all for your help. This week has been great!

Superinfinity - i once thought like you (to a degree) wrt mental illness, but im willing to guess you havent spent substantial time with someone who is clinically depressed. Apologies if you have... Saying something like this to such a person, they would actually kill you and then get even more depressed as you are belittling their anguish. It is very real, although not diagnosable with a blood test.

Im not giving out or anything! All help is welcome and appreciated! :-)

Magicmatilda

There are plenty of free and low cost counselling services in this country, particularly in big cities. Would she attend one. I think to be honest it would be only fair that she recognises the strain she is putting on the relationship and seeks some form of help, would she agree to that? Perhaps discuss this with her on one of her "good days" and not when she is deeply depressed.

P. Breathnach

somepihelp wrote: »

Thanks all for your help. This week has been great! ...

Good. I take it that she is feeling a bit better, and that makes you feel better.

Of course you should enjoy the good times, but when she is feeling well is the best time to have conversations with her about her depression and how it might be managed. Not confrontation, but constructive talk, with some emphasis on your support role ("how are we going to deal with this?"). Back off if it becomes difficult for her, and wait for another opportunity. It is important that she does not feel that you are taking over, that she still has the right to make decisions about her life, even though she might not be in a good place for making those decisions.

You are in for the long haul; there are no quick fixes.