What just happened???

Confused1982

I'm really struggling to get my head around what just happened with a guy I've been going out with for the last few months. We've been getting on great, totally smitten spending all of our spare time together. Last Wednesday he asked if I'd go to The States during the summer and on Saturday we were due to go out with my friends. This was the first time he would have met them and he was the one asking to meet them. All was great until a few hours we were supposed to go out he texts me saying he doesn't think we should see each other anymore because he doesn't see a future. Needless to say I'm heartbroken and feel completely blindsided. My first thought was he was with someone else but he is adamant this isn't the case. He told me he just doesn't see a future and he only thought about it the day before he dumped me. He had been home a week before we broke up for a family funeral, it is the anniversary of his Dad's death this week as well but he seemed fine when he returned and all was normal between us. I'm pretty much devastated that he could treat me like this without an explanation. Any insights into how a man's mind works would be very beneficial.

LegacyUser

I'm not a man but I've done something like this twice. The same thing happened both times. I liken it to a switch being flipped in my head. I really did change very quickly from really liking someone to not wanting anything to do with them any more.

I doubt you will ever find out what happened with your ex. I just saw this thread and felt I needed to give you a little insight into what can happen.

Confused1982

The thing I'm finding hardest to get around is the cowardly way he handled the situation. What grown man sends a text message

P. Breathnach

Confused1982 wrote: »

The thing I'm finding hardest to get around is the cowardly way he handled the situation. What grown man sends a text message

I think you answered your own question: a cowardly man.

I am sorry that you have been treated badly and left hurt. Do remember that people are complicated creatures, and that their behaviour and motives can be very difficult to understand. And sometimes if you do get to the bottom of things, the only result is that you end up saying to yourself "so what?".

Confused1982

I keep hoping that he will change his mind and that he's just going through some stuff. I know it's ridiculous, and I shouldn't want someone in my life in any sort of capacity who can treat me so appallingly. It took me so long to find him and I wonder will I ever meet anyone again

CaraMay

When you meet the man for you, you will be so happy that this creep did what he did. I promise.

IrishEyes19

well I personally dont think the "switch turning off suddenly" is a good excuse. Im so sorry OP, and it was dirt cheap to do that to you and by text. Trust me, you deserve better. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but down the line, you'll be grateful you didnt have to spend another moment with him.

Confused1982

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

well I personally dont think the "switch turning off suddenly" is a good excuse. Im so sorry OP, and it was dirt cheap to do that to you and by text. Trust me, you deserve better. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but down the line, you'll be grateful you didnt have to spend another moment with him.

Thanks, it just seems so out of character for him. He was so full on and then he's gone.

daisybelle2008

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

well I personally dont think the "switch turning off suddenly" is a good excuse. Im so sorry OP, and it was dirt cheap to do that to you and by text. Trust me, you deserve better. I know it doesnt feel like it now, but down the line, you'll be grateful you didnt have to spend another moment with him.

But it is not an 'excuse'. It happens, especially in the early days I.e weeks. Sometimes the feelings go. Yes it feels ****ty to the other party, but you have to be honest tell them you are not feeling it. Sometimes you really just don't feel it and don't get each other the way you want. There is no big reason, just you are not on the wavelength. Accept and move on. Looking for 'reasons' is never going to serve you. Sometimes the other person doesn't know anymore than they are just not feeling it. That's your cue to consign them to history and find someone more suitable.

sherbett32

Confused1982 wrote: »

Thanks, it just seems so out of character for him. He was so full on and then he's gone.

I think a lot of people will identify with this. Often people who are very full on very soon, talk of the future, lots of plans then disappear very quickly. Nothing to do with the other person. It's usually a pattern of behaviour.

Not saying this man is like this.

In the meantime you're never going to work out his motivations, you'll drive yoursrlf mad trying. Look after yourself.

Confused1982

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

But it is not an 'excuse'. It happens, especially in the early days I.e weeks. Sometimes the feelings go. Yes it feels ****ty to the other party, but you have to be honest tell them you are not feeling it. Sometimes you really just don't feel it and don't get each other the way you want. There is no big reason, just you are not on the wavelength. Accept and move on. Looking for 'reasons' is never going to serve you. Sometimes the other person doesn't know anymore than they are just not feeling it. That's your cue to consign them to history and find someone more suitable.

I know that honesty is the best. My issue is why deliberately lead me on if he is feeling like that. That isnt exactly honest. Friday night he was making plans with me and telling me he was looking forward to seeing me and less than 24 hours later he's sending me a text message saying he thinks we should stop seeing each other.

CaraMay

Unlss you are capable of treating someone like this, you will never understand his behavior so there is no point trying.

Dtp79

Confused1982 wrote: »

The thing I'm finding hardest to get around is the cowardly way he handled the situation. What grown man sends a text message

A cowardly one!

Confused1982

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think that is a really imoportant and good point.

I have seen some shoddy treatment in my time and wasted ages trying to get my head around it. With age, I realised that I will never understand what motivates some people to treat others the way they do.

He may have a pattern of this, he may not. He may have a pattern of breaking up over text.... what you should focus on are these traits. Is a man capable of this behaviour worthy of you? Of course not.

Hopefully in a few days you will be changing your thought pattern from 'how could he do this/why did he do it?' to 'thank God I got out of that in the early days'.

Onwards and upwards. You'll be just fine in a little while and will smile again

I know you are right and I'm not normally the type of person to tolerate such behaviour. If one of my friends was going through this I'd be telling them the same thing and it will all look brighter shortly. It harder to believe it when you are in the situation

Confused1982

sunflower27 wrote: »

Oh,I know that. You liked the guy, so of course you feel let down. Just don't try and reason it all, it will get you nowhere.

It will take a while - you wouldn't be human if you didn't wonder what the hell happened. Just don't overthink it as there is no point.

I've cut him out of my life, deleted his number, deleted his email address and deleted him from Facebook. I just need to remove him from my head now

beks101

katemiles wrote: »

I'm not a man but I've done something like this twice. The same thing happened both times. I liken it to a switch being flipped in my head. I really did change very quickly from really liking someone to not wanting anything to do with them any more.

I doubt you will ever find out what happened with your ex. I just saw this thread and felt I needed to give you a little insight into what can happen.

OP I think this insight is the best you're going to get.

Stop looking for reasons, stop looking for excuses, they're only hurting you. He doesn't want to be with you anymore, that's all you need to know. Treat yourself compassionately, feel sad, cry, yell, vent, get it all out of your system.

I know exactly where you are and I know the pain of it. This guy went from 100 to 0 miles an hour and it's like "what the hell?" Why did he say this, why did he say that, why did he tell me he liked me, why did he chase me, why did he kiss me, why why why!! We try to understand because we had invested so much, we felt so much and we thought "finally" about this one.

Take time for yourself to recover from this. Keep busy, I find it helps a lot. Spend time with good friends, don't retreat too much. Do some seriously vigorous exercise, it sounds a bit daft but it's a great way of channelling all these negative feelings.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you no matter what. This guy is not him. Give yourself time to let that sink in. You'll be just fine.

IrishEyes19

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

But it is not an 'excuse'. It happens, especially in the early days I.e weeks. Sometimes the feelings go. Yes it feels ****ty to the other party, but you have to be honest tell them you are not feeling it. Sometimes you really just don't feel it and don't get each other the way you want. There is no big reason, just you are not on the wavelength. Accept and move on. Looking for 'reasons' is never going to serve you. Sometimes the other person doesn't know anymore than they are just not feeling it. That's your cue to consign them to history and find someone more suitable.

the op was seeing him for a number of months not weeks. She deserved better. it was cowardly of him. there had to be a reason. this wasnt a few weeks like.

Confused1982

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

the op was seeing him for a number of months not weeks. She deserved better. it was cowardly of him. there had to be a reason. this wasnt a few weeks like.

I do but unless he develops a conscience I'll probably never know

daisybelle2008

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

the op was seeing him for a number of months not weeks. She deserved better. it was cowardly of him. there had to be a reason. this wasnt a few weeks like.

Well there is no way of knowing if he is telling the truth or not, but he said he doesn't see a future. You can only take him at his word and accept that. To be honest between the quick u-turn and text message he is not too reliable. Losing a parent can have a very big impact on your state of mind too.

Isolt

Same thing happened me two weeks ago. It was going well, in fact I was supposed to be going to meet his family next weekend then within 24 hours BAM! ''no future, no chemistry anymore'' etc. It is like a slap in the face that somebody's feelings can change so fast in the space of one day(and I also find it hard to believe because I know my feelings don't change overnight) but there is nothing you can do about that. It won't feel as much of a shock in a few weeks, you'll be back feeling fine again soon.

Confused1982

Isolt wrote: »

Same thing happened me two weeks ago. It was going well, in fact I was supposed to be going to meet his family next weekend then within 24 hours BAM! ''no future, no chemistry anymore'' etc. It is like a slap in the face that somebody's feelings can change so fast in the space of one day(and I also find it hard to believe because I know my feelings don't change overnight) but there is nothing you can do about that. It won't feel as much of a shock in a few weeks, you'll be back feeling fine again soon.

I find it really hard not talking to him. It''s gone from talking every day to nothing

IrishEyes19

Confused1982 wrote: »

I find it really hard not talking to him. It''s gone from talking every day to nothing

It is hard, but you will be ok. You just have to maintain the no contact rule. If you dont, every slip up will just start the healing process over again and it will be exhausting and emotionally damaging for you. I still maintain the guy acted like an ass. If it were a couple of weeks, Id understand a text ending it, but to be honest you were going out as you said in your post, and this was for a good few months. It's a dirty move to make and so cowardly of him. you probably wont ever know. The only good thing is at least its not a year down the line and you're oblivious to his intentions. You will recover from it. Just dont falter and contact him. It rarely changes anything and just makes the getting over him process a lot slower and messier.

Confused1982

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

It is hard, but you will be ok. You just have to maintain the no contact rule. If you dont, every slip up will just start the healing process over again and it will be exhausting and emotionally damaging for you. I still maintain the guy acted like an ass. If it were a couple of weeks, Id understand a text ending it, but to be honest you were going out as you said in your post, and this was for a good few months. It's a dirty move to make and so cowardly of him. you probably wont ever know. The only good thing is at least its not a year down the line and you're oblivious to his intentions. You will recover from it. Just dont falter and contact him. It rarely changes anything and just makes the getting over him process a lot slower and messier.

As much as I want to contact him I know it won't make me feel better

dellas1979

I guess he cant control his feelings towards you, what ever changed for him, as you cant towards him. Nothing you can do there. What you can change is your feelings towards him going forward. And dont blame yourself.

However, I do agree that breaking up via sms was not the way to go. But ultimately, would it have changed anything? Maybe a face to face would mean that he would have had to answer questions that either he doesnt want to answer, or couldnt answer. You wanted better closure/better answers, and thats natural, but most of the time, when there is no better colsure, it has to come from you, i.e., the way he just switched off, the way he handled it should be enough ammo.

Confused1982

dellas1979 wrote: »

I guess he cant control his feelings towards you, what ever changed for him, as you cant towards him. Nothing you can do there. What you can change is your feelings towards him going forward. And dont blame yourself.

However, I do agree that breaking up via sms was not the way to go. But ultimately, would it have changed anything? Maybe a face to face would mean that he would have had to answer questions that either he doesnt want to answer, or couldnt answer. You wanted better closure/better answers, and thats natural, but most of the time, when there is no better colsure, it has to come from you, i.e., the way he just switched off, the way he handled it should be enough ammo.

Despite my earlier resolve I stumbled and contacted him. Needless to say I feel 10 times worse. Won't be doing that again

CaraMay

There is no point contacting him op, as you have now experienced you are only stressing yourself.

Confused1982

CaraMay wrote: »

There is no point contacting him op, as you have now experienced you are only stressing yourself.

Lesson learnt the hard way

jantheman91

Everyone here is 100% correct saying stay away. I tried pleading and fighting to get my ex back but it was all in vain. I understand that feelings change but imo they don't change that quick.

Take this as a learning experience. A very harsh one but one nonetheless. I've learned that no matter how close you are to someone and how much you love each other you never know what that person is capable of.

Look after yourself, and forget about him. Be glad you don't have to spend your life with someone who is in my humble opinion emotionally inept.

Get on with your life you deserve better. Head up, and soldier on.

Stavro Mueller

Confused1982 wrote: »

Lesson learnt the hard way

I'm sorry you're hurting but maybe it was for the best that you did contact him. Because of whatever happened that upset you today, it's going to stop you from picking up the phone and ringing him again. As the others have said, the only way to get over someone is to cut contact. It's easier said than done because we all get moments of weakness.

Confused1982

cymbaline wrote: »

I'm sorry you're hurting but maybe it was for the best that you did contact him. Because of whatever happened that upset you today, it's going to stop you from picking up the phone and ringing him again. As the others have said, the only way to get over someone is to cut contact. It's easier said than done because we all get moments of weakness.

I'm kinda glad I contacted him. It's removed the delusional hope I was clutching onto that he would change his mind and it was all down to the death in his family. He wants to be friends and keep in touch but I told him no as he would be nice to me and I would think he was interested in me and that's not fair on me or him. It would stop me finding a better man, one who actually has balls

IrishEyes19

Good and now that it's out of your system, delete the number now!