Help with boyfriend's sister

LegacyUser

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. Met his family many times. His parents are lovely and I get on well with them but not his only and younger sister. Everytime I met her, she just said hello and ignored me completely. I've tried to be friendly with her and asked her about life, job and so on but she just gave one word answer without eyes contact. He told me she is jealous because she is very close to him and now he has been spending most of his time with me and cares about me very much. I asked her and her boyfriend to join us for dinner/ movies/ holidays but she always refused. Last week my boyfriend bought me a nice handbag and his sister a pair of sunglasses, a scarf for his mom on his business trip. She said to my boyfriend that he shouldn't have spent that much money on my handbag in front of everyone and stormed off. I didn't know what to say and at this stage I think she has no respect for me and her brother. Don't know what else she would say to my boyfriend behind my back but I trust him 100% so it's not a big deal but I don't like her putting him in a difficult situation or to upsetting him over her childish acts. There will be an important family event this weekend but I really don't want to sit on the same table with her because I know she is going to ignore me and puts me and everybody else in awkward situations as many times before, I want to be there for my boyfriend but I really don't know how to deal with her, I can't just bend over backward trying to be nice to someone who has no interest in getting to know me. I haven't talked to my boyfriend about this, he knows and has had a conversation with her but nothing has changed since. She is 28 and is living at their family home so whenever we are over to his mom, she is there. What do you think I should act when I see her next?

AnonoBoy

Ignore her. If she doesn't want to interact with you then don't make any more efforts. She can't give you one word answers if you don't ask her anything. She'll soon tire of it when she sees you don't care.

Tell your boyfriend that since she seems to have a problem with you, you're not going to bother attempting to be nice. I'm sure he's seen how you tried, her parents probably think she's a f*cking brat to be honest so let her act like a child and let everyone see her for what she is - they probably know already!

ManOfMystery

If she's rude, ignorant or just silent, she'll only embarass herself OP - not you. Just be your normal friendly/chatty self and engage with your boyfriend, his parents and anyone else who's there. I wouldn't worry much about her, whatever issue she has is clearly in her head and has nothing to do with your behaviour.

In saying that, when she made a comment about the handbag I do think your boyfriend should have told her it was none of her business what he spent his money on.

trixy

My now husband sister was like that for same reasons, she even told lies about me to his family . I was civil to her and knew truth would come out in time, she caused uproar on our wedding day (didn't spoil it), she is lonely and jealous , everyone eventually saw how she treated me but I rose above it. I have a great relationship and that never changed because of her. My OH no longer talks to her since our wedding day 11 yrs ago and we have no involvement in her life. We never done anything but be nice and she is still single but is over the top nice to me last few yrs when I see her. Don't change or molicoddle her, just be yourself and let her go into self destruct mode , if you and you bf get on and are happy you have to ignore her needs and tantrums, you are going out with him , not his family . Good luck

Stop trying with her. If she wants to pout, let her.

Either she'll come round with time, or you'll just never have a close relationship with her, but it's up to her. All you can do is respond kindly to any interaction she initiates and avoid interaction otherwise.

Cupcake_Crisis

She sounds immature and bratty tbh. You've tried to be be nice to her and build a relationship, but if it's entirely one sided, it will never work. Be civil to her, don't be rude or dismissive, always be the bigger person, even when it's difficult to hold your patience. By the sounds of your first post I was expecting her to be a teenager at most. She needs to go up. You're not at fault.

WaltKowalski

I have a similar problem with my sister in law. She doesn't have a boyfriend though.

Don't mind her.
You don't have to be friends.
Just be civil with her.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you so much for your replies. Really appreciated.

I had a small conversation with my boyfriend tonight. I told him please understand if I start getting tired of being ignored and from now on if he is going to give me a gift, do so when she is not around. He told me she has already asked him what he is going to get me for Valentines and he told her his plans then she said its expensive dating me, I don't know what she meant but I never once asked him to buy/do anything for me that cost him money, he bought gifts and booked holidays for us because he wanted to when I paid for other things. I said since she doesn't like me I don't think he should say anything to her about our business. I don't want my boyfriend to hear all that nonsense. I feel bad telling him what to say and not to say to his sister but I really don't want she has a tantrum again or any unpleasant comments toward me. I asked him what his sister was like with his ex girlfriend. He said the ex was her friend so there wasn't any problems and I'm the second girl he brought home to his family. I remembered before he introduced me to his parents, he said that they are nice but watch out for the sister, now I'm getting it.

I suppose I can only be myself around her as I can't ignore people and I'm sure no matter how rude she is to me I find it hard to ignore her if she is there in front of me. I don't know if she will ever learn anything if I or others have to put up with that. His mom is being extra nice to me because she knows her daughter well. His mom once put our picture of me and my boyfriend in the living room and his sister took it up to his room but her mom gave out to her so she had to leave it where it was. I am a confident person, I believe I do nothing wrong but good to her brother and polite to her family but I do feel nervous sometimes thinking of facing her again, I feel like being bullied emotionally. I know I have lots more important things to think about in life but this is really getting to me lately because I know I'm going to see her again and again and it's just getting worse:-(

WaltKowalski

You're just going to have to get over it.
You can't keep bringing it up with your boyfriend because whatever happens, she's still his sister, they're close, and he won't appreciate hearing negative things about her, whether it's true or not.

You have a boyfriend that loves you, that's all that matters.

stargazer 68

Op you are going to have to be the bigger person here. So what if she ignores you and makes snide comments - she is only showing herself up. They all clearly know what she is like and sees how she behaves so try not to show that it bothers you.

And yes I think your boyfriend should have told her to mind her own business re the handbag and valentines day but thats up to him.

username123

My now husbands sister was horrible to me from the time we started going out. The worst part was that because my hubby was so used to her being a mouth, that he didnt even notice she was targeting me with comments. It was really awful for a while and then eventually she was over in our place for some reason and I brought it up and she admitted that she had been deliberately saying nasty things to me etc.... But she still continued to do it. She likes to make out that I am some kind of weirdo because I dont share her limited interests in hair/nails/make up.

Now I just pay her very little attention. Sometimes when I see her she is nice as pie, other times she is a horrible person - Im not interested in testing the water to see which personality is there so I just dont talk to her and if by some accident I get left in the same room as her I sit in silence quite happily. I avoid situations that she will be at, social events etc (my husband is on board with this, her behaviour at social events has been appalling in the past) so if we are invited to something that she will be at, we often decline.

ibarelycare

I can't believe that girl is 28! What an idiot. And she has a boyfriend, so it's not as if she's particularly lonely or anything.

There's nothing you can do to change her behaviour unfortunately OP. I do think your boyfriend should be standing up to her more, but that's not for you to tell him to do. It's quite telling that the mother is extra nice to you and can see what way her daughter is treating you. How annoying that they won't sit her down and tell her to cop on and grow up But the fact is that others DO see what she's like. As others in this thread have said, she's only embarrassing herself, and as long as you continue as you are, you'll always look like the bigger person.

Don't avoid family occasions, his mother is obviously very fond of you. Continue to attend whatever family occasions are happening, hold your head up, be yourself, be charming...it will wreck the sister's head to see that other people like you. Try your best to be polite to the sister. If she says anything smart/cutting to you in front of a group, don't brush it off or try and change the subject quickly. Just say nothing for a few seconds and let her comments hang awkwardly in the air. Then turn to someone else in the group and smile and start a new conversation. It will make her feel silly and make others see her behaviour.

Honey-ec

You need to get over it, OP. Not everyone in life is going to like you, and you can't force them to. Neither is it your place to tell your boyfriend what he can and can't discuss with her - she's his sister, you're some chick he's been seeing for 6 months.

Acknowledge her when she's around, and be civil but not fawning. That's all you have to do. She'll either get over it, or she won't. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

Don't avoid family occasions, his mother is obviously very fond of you. Continue to attend whatever family occasions are happening, hold your head up, be yourself, be charming...it will wreck the sister's head to see that other people like you. Try your best to be polite to the sister. If she says anything smart/cutting to you in front of a group, don't brush it off or try and change the subject quickly. Just say nothing for a few seconds and let her comments hang awkwardly in the air. Then turn to someone else in the group and smile and start a new conversation. It will make her feel silly and make others see her behaviour.

Thank you. That's exactly what I am doing now and I will continue to do so.

Sorry for the previous moan/rant. I know others have more serious problems.

I DO need to get a over it, be a BIGGER person or I will become a drama queen. I know it was wrong of me telling the boyfriend what to tell her and what not...Ah, he knows I never want to come between his sister and himself, I just like we all can just get along. Her boyfriend is a nice and friendly lad, I hope one day I will see the better side of her.

There are so many helpful advices here, I will have to read it again and again and I will be polite, be civil, be silent if needed and the bottom line, try not to let her behaviour bothers me! Thank you so much guys.

LegacyUser

WaltKowalski wrote: »

You're just going to have to get over it.
You can't keep bringing it up with your boyfriend because whatever happens, she's still his sister, they're close, and he won't appreciate hearing negative things about her, whether it's true or not.

You have a boyfriend that loves you, that's all that matters.

Thank you.

I only brought it up once with my boyfriend about his sister after many incidents. He can see it himself from day one and he is the one who told me if it bothers me, just talk to him so yesterday it was the first time I was talking to him about her and I didn't say any negative things about her at all but my feelings and what has happened.

Lux23

Have you any idea why she would be like this? I don't understand why someone would behave like that.

WaltKowalski

Lux23 wrote: »

Have you any idea why she would be like this? I don't understand why someone would behave like that.

Women!

IrishEyes19

WaltKowalski wrote: »

Women!

Generalising much? :rolleyes:

OP, would it be worth sitting down and asking her. I think your partner should stand up for you in this respect though I can understand he feels divided in loyalties.

maybe just sit her down privately and explain that you feel she seems put out by you somewhat. say how you love her brother and enjoy visiting the family home but you feel uncomfortable in her presence at this stage as there is clearly something wrong. As long as you remain calm and stress that you have no issues here other than that, she cant turn it around and accuse you of being confrontational and aggressive.

Just to add, might be worth a shot talking to his mother? They tend to know a lot more than they let on. best of luck

username123

Lux23 wrote: »

Have you any idea why she would be like this? I don't understand why someone would behave like that.

Its usually simple jealousy, immaturity. My sister in law incorrectly perceived her brother being cold to her as something to do with me whereas it was actually because of her own behaviour towards their father. Some people cant look at their own behaviour or see that actions have consequences.

Its an awkward situation because the OP probably feels that she cant be rocking the boat or complaining about her boyfriends sister to him. Nor does she want to be the one to react because in any family situation the favour will probably fall on the sister from whoever else is there (family Vs stranger). But really the answer is to be the bigger person and see this person as an annoying pest who simply isnt worth getting upset over. She will show herself up with her own bad behaviour if the OP stays pleasant and civil.

LegacyUser

Lux23 wrote: »

Have you any idea why she would be like this? I don't understand why someone would behave like that.

I thought about it and asked myself the same question(not anymore)

I think: she is jealous with me because her brother used to give her lots of attention but now he is spending lots of time with me but she has a good boyfriend. Of course he can spend as much time with her as he wants so I don't know why. I'm the one who always want to include her.

She always think her brother is a good catch and want him to be with one of her friends who she thinks is good for him.

Her brother ended the relationship with her friend and he is so in love with me. It shows.

Her parents like me and her mom and I often lunch together( she refused to join). So I do get some attention from her family members. I never met her friends so I don't know what she is like with them but she is sweet to the boys who are my boyfriend's friends which is great.

Her brother bought me many gifts and treats me very well even we haven't been together that long and her boyfriend is a very nice man but not a person who sometimes get her a little present. Nothing wrong with that but maybe she prefers If her boyfriend would do the same, again I don't know. I am very happy my boyfriend sometimes buy her a present, family is very important because I do very much care about my family.

She might think any girls who wants to be with her brother because of his status and money so she thinks its safer for him being with one of her friends who she knows best....I don't know, to be honest, could be a mil other reasons. I'm just be myself, now I try not to care what she thinks of me or what are the reasons that she doesn't like me. She is the only person who is cold toward me in this big world so I pay my attention to people who are nice and kind ...just like me ( haha, just need to say good things about myself) and I'm lucky to have a great boyfriend who cares about me deeply, that matters most.

WaltKowalski

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Generalising much? :rolleyes:

OP, would it be worth sitting down and asking her. I think your partner should stand up for you in this respect though I can understand he feels divided in loyalties.

maybe just sit her down privately and explain that you feel she seems put out by you somewhat. say how you love her brother and enjoy visiting the family home but you feel uncomfortable in her presence at this stage as there is clearly something wrong. As long as you remain calm and stress that you have no issues here other than that, she cant turn it around and accuse you of being confrontational and aggressive.

Just to add, might be worth a shot talking to his mother? They tend to know a lot more than they let on. best of luck

I really don't think you should bring trouble on yourself by discussing it with her or anyone else in the family.
I can only see that making things worse.

Dark Phoenix

don't accomodate her behaviour anymore. If your boyfriend buys you a gift it should not matter if he gives it to you in front of her - sure if she wants to storm off let her on she is making an idiot out of herself.

At the family event sit beside your boyfriend and ideally beside someone else that is not the sister. be yourself and stay calm and pleasant. if she wants to ignore you - let her. Pay no heed. If she wants to make smart comments - let her. The key thing is not to retaliate because it means it will soon become obvious to everyone that there is only one person there who has a problem with someone else and only one person who is being rude / childish - her.

Taltos

WaltKowalski - infracted for clear breach of charter. Walt - please read the charter before you post again, your next breach of our charter will result in a ban from PI.
Can I remind others if you have an issue with a post as above just report it, don't be tempted to respond or quote.

Thanks
Taltos

a posse ad esse

There is nothing more you can do other than be civil to her when she is around (which you are doing). I honestly say stop trying anymore because it isn't providing you with the results you want and you may end up more annoyed and exasperated. This is the way his sister is going to be. So in the meantime carry on as you do, you are doing nothing wrong.

IrishEyes19

WaltKowalski wrote: »

I really don't think you should bring trouble on yourself by discussing it with her or anyone else in the family.
I can only see that making things worse.

My reasoning for this, is if you and your bf OP are together for the long haul, she will be part of your life. I just dont think tolerating someones bad manners should you be something you have to tolerate. And quite often if someone has an issue, confronting them calmly on it can do all the good. I dont think there is anything to lose by it