The traditional girl

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Just looking for a bit of advice. Ive been seeing this girl for a few months. I like her and she likes me, but it is coming to the stage where there is a bit of conflict.
She would be a fairly traditional girl and i wouldnt consider myself to be too traditional.
She is very well educated, to phd level, but turns out that she eventually wants to be a housewife! stay at home and mind the kids and have the husband take care of financial things. So this really bothers me, firstly because in this day and age i dont think it should be like that. both should equally contribute but secondly im not sure i could ever give her what she wants as i am no where near as educated as her or dont have the most amazing job at the moment.
So im not sure what i should be doing now. ending it and let her off to find what she really wants or what.
part of me is thinking, who does she think she is, to put that pressure on any guy to have to look after her.
Is this what most girls out there want? is it not the case in this day and age that both would have to contribute. She also reckons that having to put your kids in a creche during the day is bad for them which i think is probably nonsense.
anyway, thanks.

CaraMay

I think you should let her go. You have managed to insult all stay at home mothers and people with kids in crèches in one fell swoop there.

She was honest about the life she wants and there is nothing wrong with that. You seem to assume that minding kids is a holiday and the reality is that I find it harder than going to work.

She will meet someone with the same aspirations as her and someone who won't look down on her and her dreams. The right guy will think minding his kids is contributing and will technical having a partnership is more than about money.

Keep moving and find someone who wants the same as you or who will at least do what you want her to do.

RossFixxxed

CaraMay wrote: »

Keep moving and find someone who wants the same as you or who will at least do what you want her to do.

Yep, this is about right. She has been open and honest about what she wants. It may not be possible with incomes etc, is she open to working while funds dictate the necessity. Do you want her to work a job the whole time and won't shift on this? Is it a relationship ender?

I'd be happy to support my OH minding children, it's a bloody hard job, but funds etc may dictate how this works in reality. There have to be compromises.

Asking if this what women want is like asking if women like apples... It's totaly rhetorical and I have no idea how you expect an answer.

Your post comes across as judgemental and looking down on housewives. She's educated BUT wants to be a housewife? Jesus. It is also very dismissive of her opinions. You're not too traditional you're actually backwards. So yeah, I'd move on and find someone else who will do what you think is proper in 'this day and age'.

Kold

Personally Id ignore the easily offended stay at home mothers and reckon that if you like the girl keep seeing her. Depends how old you guys are. If she's pushing 30 then yeah its a bigger issue but through your 20s, I dont think you need to let this issue affect your relationship too much.
I think most young men understand this problem. The idea of supporting an entire family with one persons income is a daunting task.

CaraMay

Whatever he does he needs to be honest with his views with her. She should know what she is dealing with - he does

movingsucks

Different people have different wants and needs. Your expectation of a relationship/home life is different than hers. You'd can't ask "are all women like this?" Some people want to be at home with their children, some people would rather work, there's no right or wrong in my book. Every family, every couple have a different way of doing things that works for them.
Myself for example, I never would have imagined I'd be at stay at home parent, it's not how I pictured my life at all but at this moment it works out better for our family, and that includes financially. I'm happy, my husband is happy and the baby is happy. That's just us. Our situation would not work for everyone.
Your girlfriend could get married one day, have a child and hate being at home. It happens.

leonidas83

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you should let her go. You have managed to insult all stay at home mothers and people with kids in crèches in one fell swoop there.

She was honest about the life she wants and there is nothing wrong with that. You seem to assume that minding kids is a holiday and the reality is that I find it harder than going to work.

She will meet someone with the same aspirations as her and someone who won't look down on her and her dreams. The right guy will think minding his kids is contributing and will technical having a partnership is more than about money.

Keep moving and find someone who wants the same as you or who will at least do what you want her to do.

Hang on a second, I dont think the OP is being insulting here at all. He just wants a 50/50 relationship with someone who has excellent qualifications & will probably provide as much of an income as him if not more should they get married/have kids,etc. Someone who can share the burden with him in extremely difficult economic circumstances. There is more to any relationship than just what one person wants, she needs to understand that it mightnt be possible for her to remain at homes with the kids indefinitely. His point of view needs to be taken into consideration also.

No one is disputing that minding kids isnt difficult but why go to the huge effort of attaining a PHD just to throw those qualifications away. She could make an excellent financial contribution to the relationship which could enhance the standard of living of all of them should they decide to have kids. Money isnt everything but its still very important & people usually only realise this when they have none.

OP, you need to communicate better with your other half, make it clear to her that you want from the relationship too. If you cant come together & talk about things like this at this stage the relationship doesnt have much of a future anyway. Good luck

Merkin

Good that you've had this discussion now when it's only relatively early on in the relationship.

It seems like you are singing off totally different hymn sheets so I'd cut her loose. I also find your views on stay-at-home mothers really quite disparaging and ill-informed.

ibarelycare

There's nothing wrong with the OP having the views he has, he's perfectly entitled to his opinion. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with the girlfriend having her views either.


OP are you serious enough yet to have discussed being together long-term, marriage, kids, etc? If so, then what does she think of your opinion, that she should stay working when you have children together? I'm not sure what kind of compromise can be reached in this situation but I wonder is it possible to find a middle ground that you'd both agree on. If it's something that you both are not willing to budge on, then maybe you're not right for each other.

Emme

OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting to mind your own children. I know couples where the male half stays home to take care of the children and the mother has a full-time job. Creche fees eat into a second salary in a big way.

Your girlfriend is educated to Ph.D level so there's nothing to stop her getting a job when her children are older or starting a business from home that's compatible with being a full-time mother.

If you both want different things then it's best you go your separate ways.

sffc

OP - your gf understands one thing you don't . You don't just contribute to a family home financially - you contribute in a whole variety of ways from shopping, cleaning to childcare. It's not all euros and cents. If she was my daughter I'd hate to think of her marrying you and her work in the home being undervalued day after day. You know nothing of family life and it shows.

December2012

Irrespective of your views - you are not on the same page. Unless this is something you can envisage happening, you should end things.

You'll either have to sit down and have a serious chat about your disagreement, or break up. Your two views are just not compatible in any way.

I certainly think she needs a reality check. Regardless of her views, to have an expectation that you'll be falling into line with her idea of the future is selfish, and you need to be clear with her that she can't make such assumptions about your life together, if you intend on continuing your relationship.

Edit: Also, I think Kold makes a good point. If you're young, don't make any hasty decisions. By the time you two are settled down, you both could have totally different views. You may find that you'd like to be a house-husband, she could find that she wants to work, you both could agree on part-time work and share stay-at-home duties, you both could decide to work, or you could become comfortable with the idea of her being a housewife. If there's time, take it.

Abi

true-or-false wrote: »

I certainly think she needs a reality check. Regardless of her views, to have an expectation that you'll be falling into line with her idea of the future is selfish, and you need to be clear with her that she can't make such assumptions about your life together, if you intend on continuing your relationship.

Who said she EXPECTS him to go with her plans? She merely told him what she would like for her future. She did right telling him sooner rather than later, which I feel was for the best.

OP, end it. There is no point in carrying on this relationship seeing as you're not even on the same page. I find your comments about full time mothers quite offensive. You certainly have a dim view of them, which is never going to work with this woman.

Beruthiel

pottedplant1 wrote: »

turns out that she eventually wants to be a housewife! stay at home and mind the kids and have the husband take care of financial things.

So this really bothers me, firstly because in this day and age i dont think it should be like that. both should equally contribute

Your core expectations of a long term relationship are completely different.
She has told you what she wants for the future. You don't agree.
The relationship will not work.

LegacyUser

It really depends on how stuck in these views both of you are, and why.

They seem a bit blinkered to be honest, and not accounting for what the actual situation might be like when it happens. I mean, where is her opinion coming from? Is she assuming that as the man you should be making enough money to support her and the family, and as the traditional girl you say she is, her views come from this model of what family life should look like? Is it a puritanical man should work/woman stay home with kids kind of traditional thinking?

Or is it coming from her personal view that the child benefits the most from having the mother there to look after them, instead of a minder, and whilst that is her ideal, if the financial situation doesnt allow it she wont have a problem finding work?

You really need to have another open conversation on the topic, if she's very black and white about it, as in I will not work not matter what, well that seems unrealistic. But if its simply a case of she would prefer to stay at home with the kids but if needs must will work, well that's just her view and i dont see anything wrong with it.

My guess is if you really question her I doubt she will be like yes I would throw away my education just to sit at home, because im unambitious and dont want to work again. Its probably purely her thinking from the childs point of view and what would she believes would be best for them.

At the moment you are looking at it from an equality/financial point of view, and she is looking at it from a completely different point of view, so you need to take these different scenarios and discuss each because it is not a black and white issue!

P. Breathnach

I imagine that everybody here has said stupid things from time to time. Don't walk away without giving things a chance. Have a proper talk about your views of what you want your future to be like. If, after talking things through, you find irreconcilable differences, I think you should agree to end things.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,

It wasnt my intention to belittle stay at home mothers, i realise it is not easy.
but my point is, i dont think it is fair of any woman to put pressure on the man like that.
yes her views do come from the old idea of the man should be earning enough to support the family.
I would love to be able to say i can do that but the reality is i probably wont be able.
And if i ever do have a kid, i would love to be there for that child as much as my wife would be. Im great around the house etc. so i think it should be equal.
she seems fairly set in her ways about this but as i said to her, its nice to have an ideal situation you would wish for but in reality it might not work out like that.

LegacyUser

If you really want to stay with this girl, would you not consider turning her "traditional" idea on its' head, and suggesting that YOU stay at home to mind the kids, whilst she provides for the family?
It makes far more sense financially, the kids would have a parent looking after them (after all, there's absolutely nothing to say that a mother is superior to a father with regard to this).
This is assuming that you would be happy to be a stay at home dad, but it would be interesting to guage her reaction.....is her attitude really based on the kids, or is it solely to not work outside the home?
Would she be taking 5 years or 18 years? What then, after that?
Both of you are entitled to your own views, it just depends on whether you're both willing to comprimise on your individual versions of "the dream" in order to be together.

popa smurf

Its nice to have your wife stay at home minding your kids but its not easy keep it all paid on one wage , but it can be done, it depends what ye want if ye want nice things, nice house, 2 cars ,Holidays, its going to be hard on 1 wage but if you settle for a little less i think its worth it. OP I think its good ye are discussing all this , but its only pillow talk and i would not worry about it too much yet , agree away with her, chances are if or when ye have kids she might think differently.

LegacyUser

No she wouldnt accept me being a stay at home dad, which to be honest i would be happy to do.
she thinks the guy should be the bread winner, wouldnt look good etc.
its funny, if i was to say to my wife that i want you to stay at home, mind the kids, cook and clean, i would be considered a chauvanistic pig!
equality when it suits i think.

movingsucks

pottedplant1 wrote: »

No she wouldnt accept me being a stay at home dad, which to be honest i would be happy to do.
she thinks the guy should be the bread winner, wouldnt look good etc.
its funny, if i was to say to my wife that i want you to stay at home, mind the kids, cook and clean, i would be considered a chauvanistic pig!
equality when it suits i think.

OK well I will be honest with you, her views are a bit outdated there. "Wouldnt look good"? What kinda thing is that to say!
Its one thing if she wants to have a family and her preferred scenario is one where she is in a position to stay at home with the children but to not even consider the other way round because it "wouldn't look good" ... She needs to open her mind a bit.

CaraMay

I don't think her views are outdated (other than not wanting a stay at home dad because it wouldn't look good). Many Women (esp after having kids) want to be at home and ill bet a lot more than admit it. Some people like working and that's fine but many I know would rather they reared their own kids than paying for others to do it.

The bottom line op is that your view is no more 'right' than hers... Maybe she wants someone more successful or ambitious who will provide the life she wants. At least she is honest even if you don't agree.

movingsucks

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think her views are outdated (other than not wanting a stay at home dad because it wouldn't look good). Many Women (esp after having kids) want to be at home and ill bet a lot more than admit it. Some people like working and that's fine but many I know would rather they reared their own kids than paying for others to do it.

The bottom line op is that your view is no more 'right' than hers... Maybe she wants someone more successful or ambitious who will provide the life she wants. At least she is honest even if you don't agree.

Sorry I should clarify it was purely the "not looking good" part I felt was outdated

ibarelycare

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think her views are outdated (other than not wanting a stay at home dad because it wouldn't look good). Many Women (esp after having kids) want to be at home and ill bet a lot more than admit it. Some people like working and that's fine but many I know would rather they reared their own kids than paying for others to do it.

The bottom line op is that your view is no more 'right' than hers... Maybe she wants someone more successful or ambitious who will provide the life she wants. At least she is honest even if you don't agree.

It's not outdated to want to stay at home and rear your children. But it is outdated for a woman to expect a man to be the breadwinner just because he's a man.

CaraMay

Yeah that what I said.

Tbh I suspect she is putting a shot over his bow telling him to become more ambitious / successful or there is no future for them.

December2012

She can think what she wants. The point is that they are not in agreement. A family on agreement can decide whatever they want.

CaraMay

I agree but the fact is they are just not compatible long term.

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah that what I said.

Tbh I suspect she is putting a shot over his bow telling him to become more ambitious / successful or there is no future for them.

Whatever she is trying to say, she is acting like a little princess.

Op, having kids and how to bring them up is a joint decision and very often depends on the circumstances which can change significantly. I don't believe in 'strangers bringing up my kids wafle' but sometimes it does make sense to be stay at home parent. I think you have to have a conversation with your girlfriend and see if there is possible compromise because I don't think marriage between parents who don't respect each other or resent each other would work. On the other hand your gf might get a reality check and cop on.

Forever Hopeful

OP,
You have only been together a few months and you are still getting to know each other. The cynic in me is wondering if she threw al this out now to see if its a runner or keep looking for someone who can give her what she wants. Again could be the cynic in me.
You are v level headed and I agree that things should be 50/50. My sister would love to stay at home with her son but she knows she has to contribute if they are to maintain their lifestyle.
You two have very different values and it can't work unless their is a compromise and it doesn't sound like she is willing to meet you half way by even working part time?