How to plan to break up

LegacyUser

I Guess since this is the relationship section that many people have been on the giving and recieving ends of break-ups in relationships

since this is the first relationship ever been in, im looking for advice

i want to break up with my girlfriend, nothing is wrong except i think we have gone out for long enough, i want to be single again, do my own thing, not be constantly busy or in contact meeting up and going on dates etc. i care for her as much as always except the relationship has become boring and repetitive

but how do i do it? what am i supposed to say that doesn't hurt her as much as possible because she will be really upset but i cant let that stop me.

i have all these questions that are preventing me from doing anything about it..

like should i call round to her house or meet her for coffee in the local?
should i text her first and tell her i want to speak about us?
what am i supposed to say and act and finish the convo?
do i not tx for a few days after texting her everyday for the past year?
is it bad to do Monday when valentines day will be in 4 days?

i'm really finding it a daunting job and wish i could chat to someone whos been in the situation but since i cant really il have to try get experience other ways

i know i have to be direct and say what i feel and dont hold back but its the actual conversation and meeting im struggling with..

can anyone help?

ManOfMystery

There's no such thing as a guide for breaking up OP. Every situation is different. But in a nutshell, and speaking from what little experience I have with a few breakups, I would advise the following:

• Do it ASAP. There will always be a reason to say 'it's not a good time' - Xmas, Valentines, Birthday, dog died, etc. The flip side is that she may find out you wanted to be broken up for ages but never told her, which then adds an element of betrayal to a situation which will already be upsetting. Just do it as soon as you can.
• Be direct, clear, and to the point. Stuttering, stammering and beating around the bush will only drag out an already difficult situation.
• Don't be patronising - "It's not you, it's me" is cliched and almost offensive. Tell her honestly your heart is no longer in it, you don't feel the same way and it's not fair on either of you to drag it on. It takes two to tango.
• Don't try and end things with her while simultaneously comforting her. Telling her she can text you, ring you or spend time with you after the breakup will not soften the blow but just make it harder to end things completely as it will give her false hope that you still have feelings there.
• Absolutely no intimacy (kissing, sex, whatever) post breakup. If you're going to end things, end things.
• Remember, there's no such thing as an easy breakup. It's inevitably difficult for all involved. Be mentally prepared for that, and don't go in thinking that if you soften the blow and be mega-nice to her, she'll just go "it's grand, never mind!". It WILL be awkward, and WILL be difficult, and you just have to accept that and get through it.

As for where you do it, it's up to you. Going to a public place like a coffee shop might not be advisable if she gets very upset. Ideally, meet her at her own place with no-one else around.

I actually feel bad here sitting writing about your breakup when this girl has no idea it's coming. Which reinforces my first point - do it ASAP.

ibarelycare

like should i call round to her house or meet her for coffee in the local?
Call around to her house. She's going to be upset and it is not nice having to go through something like that in a public place.

should i text her first and tell her i want to speak about us?
It would be no harm to text her and say you want to call over to have a talk.

what am i supposed to say and act and finish the convo?
What you've said is that you're bored with the relationship and you've been going out with her long enough. I would usually say "be completely honest" but I would try and put it a bit more diplomatically than that. Start the conversation by telling her you've been doing a lot of thinking lately and you're not happy in the relationship. Tell her you're not in love with her any more and that you want to break up. Don't give her any false hope, don't let her think that you haven't made your mind up yet, and that this is open for discussion. You asked what you can say so as not to hurt her, but you're going to hurt her, it's inevitable and it's difficult but that's what happens in a break up. She's going to have questions, she's probably going to cry, she might plead and beg (maybe not, perhaps she feels the same as you do!) but you just have to be tough and stand your ground.

do i not tx for a few days after texting her everyday for the past year?
That depends on what you both decide. Most couples who break up amicably say that they'll still be friends and they keep in touch, but more often than not it does not work. If she is devastated by the break-up then keeping in touch will only make it harder for her. No contact is probably best for the first few weeks if you can.

is it bad to do Monday when valentines day will be in 4 days?
It's always a bad time to break up with someone! I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a week before Valentine's Day a few years ago. We had a hotel and all booked for it. I felt like the biggest bitch in the world. But there was no point in going on pretending. If you leave it until after Valentine's Day would you put on an act that day, pretend you're happy, buy her a card, go out for dinner, etc? For me, that would be even worse than breaking up with her a few days beforehand.

IrishEyes19

dont let it go past valentines day. she'll always wonder if what you said on Valentines day was all fake, which obviously it will be.

Im not sure about texting her to say lets talk. On one hand it might hint to her that it's coming and prepare her, its your choice.

do it in your house or hers. dont leave her hanging in a public place, if she's upset as you say she will be, its not nice to be surrounded by other people like a cafe ect.

it wont be nice, it never is, but a bit of advice, be honest with her. give her a reason why its over, because honestly, it tends to haunt people when its out of the blue and no reason given.

afterwards cut contact, no matter how weird it seems to be single, stay strong, because unless you intend on making a go of it again, staying friends and meeting up for the occassional hook up/kiss is head-wreaking, and so unfair.

Best of luck and be fair. thats the best approach!

Lorna123

If it were me I would write her a letter explaining how I feel, e.g.

"I enjoyed this relationship while it lasted but I am ready now to move on, I want to be single again, if you would like to meet up with me to discuss this face to face we can do that."

I actually think that telling her in a letter in advance is kind because it gives her the opportunity to digest this before she meets up with you. She is then ready and it is not a complete shock that she had to deal with in front of you and you are also telling her face to face as well. So it is easier all around.

IrishEyes19

I really don't think writing it in a letter is right. Its easier for the person breaking up, not the person being dumped. It seems sweet from the outset. But just think about it. Its going to come out of the blue, and instead of just manning up and doing it face to face, you send a letter with the option of meeting up if she wants to written in it. Not cool at all. Just take a deep breath, know what you're going to say, dont go off the point and tell her the absolute truth.

ibarelycare

A letter is no better than a text message! It's a coward's way out. He owes it to his girlfriend to talk to her about it to her face.

Lorna123

ibarelycare wrote: »

A letter is no better than a text message! It's a coward's way out. He owes it to his girlfriend to talk to her about it to her face.

No I don't agree wilth you there, it is not a cowards way out at all. He would be giving the girl time to digest what he wants her to know and he is also offering to meet her face to face.

ibarelycare

Lorna123 wrote: »

No I don't agree wilth you there, it is not a cowards way out at all. He would be giving the girl time to digest what he wants her to know and he is also offering to meet her face to face.

It is completely cowardly! I would be furious if someone broke up with me by a letter and "offered" to meet up with me. The girl isn't going to want to take time to digest what the guy is telling her. She's going to be upset and angry and want to ask questions there and then. She can't ask questions to a letter.

Lorna123

The girl can respond in a dignified way if she gets the chance to be forewarned in a letter. It is also easier on the OP to express how he feels in a letter, and it is the OP we are trying to help here. However, the OP can decide himself what suits him best. This is just a suggestion.

The only time a text message/letter/Facebook/whatever else breakup is OK is if it is a long distance relationship, where meeting is difficult or impossible.

Otherwise, a breakup that is not done in person is an extremely cowardly way of doing it. You went out with the person, you had feelings for them, you had good times together. The least you could do is give them the respect of a breakup in person.

sherbett32

Meet face to face. Tell her it's over. You had a great relationship however its over.

Don't leave her with any ambiguity. Say It's best if you don't meet (don't give her a time when you next talk, she may hang on to this as a time when you talk, to get back)

It's hard but it can be done, in 3 months it'll be so much better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replys guys it was great and unfortunately i only got to read the first two before i acted

its done anyway! went to her house and said it out as kindly as possible, she was really upset and i did my best to explain properly so she wouldn't have any lingering doubts. she didnt say much but i didnt think she would

i have to say it was a daunting job from what i expected and i really would not wish it on anyone.

i was expecting to feel sorry but i didn't expect to feel this bad.. really felt like **** afterwards even tho i was the one who ended it.. it was a long walk home,
i keep wishing that there was something i could do to make it easier on her but i know its the best for me. it is awkward and difficulty

if i didnt do the breaking up then we would still be together now and the would be equally bad feeling so im happy its over and done.

now its post break-up and i want to know whats the best policy. i want to keep some kinda contact/friendship so i think i should wait a while and give her a friendly text or meet for coffee, just to break the ice

is this a good idea or what should i be thinking of doing next?

ManOfMystery

To be honest, I think your next approach should be to do nothing. It's still very early days and if you suggest coffee/lunch/etc she may think you have have changed your mind.

Give her time to adjust to the situation and if she wants to see you, I'm sure she'll be in touch. It's way too soon to try and move your relationship from 'broken up' to 'friendly exes'.