What do you do when there's no support left?

LegacyUser

This is something that has been on my mind a lot recently.

I'm a 22 year old girl, in full time college, working part time.

I have been suffering from depression since the age of 15. I've been on and off anti depressants, attended psychologists, and nothing has worked. I'll explain why.

Every psychologist I have attended thinks my unhappinness is due to a problem in the family. One psychologist asked my family to attend a session with me a few years back and for us all to talk openly to one another, that went pear shaped as my dad lost the head and walked out. That was the last I saw of that psychologist. This was 6 years ago.

Recently, I have been attending a new psychologist, she also feels it is a problem in the family that is making me unhappy. She said "ideally" she would like to see my family and myself for a session but she doesn't think it would work (as I told her what happened 6 years ago).

My mum asked me how I got on in the session, I told her what the psychologist said and she flipped. She started accusing me of "dragging the family's name through the dirt". She has since refused to stop paying her part (I was paying a certain amount towards it), so now I cannot return as I cannot afford it by myself. I have a huge college loan to pay for, I pay everything myself so I simply don't have the money.

I'd like to make it clear, I amn't "blaming" my family for my unhappiness, I am just saying that they don't help. In my opinion my family is extremely dysfunctional. My dad has fallen out with all of his brothers and sisters, same as my mum. If you were to ask them both why, they will both blame their brothers and sisters. My dad is an alcoholic. He drink drives when he goes out and when I questioned it once he replied "I can drink drive because God will be with me by my side. He won't allow anything to happen me". So I asked him "so does that mean I can drink drive dad?" and he replied "No, because you don't attend mass. The Lord will not be by your side". To those of you that find this too hard to believe it is the God's honest truth. He genuinely believes this.

I could go on all day but I don't know what good will come from it. I have reached breaking point now. I have stopped attending college for the past two weeks as I fear I will break down and cry in class. I have stopped attending work for the same reason. So now I am earning no money, I am stuck in my room all day, I go for the occassional walk. I spent hours last night on daft.ie looking up house shares but I can't afford any of them. I am also not eligible for rent allowance. I don't have any friends who I can stay with, no relatives I can approach. I asked my parents if they could help me financially to rent a room somewhere, they said no. I have no money. I have no one to talk to now either at the psychologist has gone out the window. I genuinely don't know what to do now. I have tried talking to my family but it lasts a few minutes and then it blows up. Even if we were to talk calmly, they will never ever accept any responsibilty for any of their behaviour. According to them, I am the one with the issue, they are never wrong.

Thanks for reading

Neyite

Its a dysfunctional family, as simple as that. In their eyes, they will always be the adults and you the child, therefore they know better than you. There is no changing them, all you can do is gradually distance yourself from their influence and make up your own mind on things. To do that, it takes you standing on your own two feet. And in order to to that, you need an education or an income or both.

Firstly, I would suggest that you contact your Psychologist for another chat. You may find that they are happy to take partial payment for the time being, until you are earning more. Contact your employer and try to salvage your job. Dont look on Daft for something you cannot afford right now, look when you are halfway to a deposit+rent in a couple of months time. Talk to your tutor, there may be supports in college that you can access.

You made a mistake being so open with your mother about what you are processing in therapy, and it seems like she has her own issues - after all it cannot be easy to have an alcoholic spouse who thinks they are always right - but those are her issues to deal with, not yours.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I was where you are now for many years ago. I never got any help, just kept going, I would have loved to have had discovered boards all those years ago, because even this would have been some comfort and guide. Anyhow, I understand that you are feeling trapped and you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.

So my advise is and this only struck me recently, when watching Fiona (whose father's lack of sentencing was in the news) was the 'Late Late Show', I imagined, for so much of her life she had no where to turn and must of despaired and her pain must have been so great. But when she spoke about people trying to keep her down, she said she always came out fighting, this stroke a cord with me, though my experience would be more like yours than hers.

So you must look at your situation and tell yourself to go back to college, where you will get yourself an education that will allow you to support yourself and have a good quality of life. Go into class like a fighter and tell yourself you are not going to let these people ruin your life any more. Use college as a weapon and as a tool to help your healing. Also use the gym facilities at the college and when you are feeling depressed after having a conversation with one of your family, go to the gym think about your family and work off your sadness/anger/loneliness/frustration.

Good luck OP, don't let them keep you down.

Kayb219

I agree with Neyite - I think you should call your psychologist and explain frankly why you can no longer go on seeing him/her. They may be able to suggest lower cost options.

I know it's easy to say, but try to stay as focused as you can on college, as ultimately that will help your earning power and help you to escape from them.

Also colleges often have support schemes in place for students, so if you have a student advisor or welfare officer, I think talking to them would be a good start. They may be able to direct you to low-cost of free therapy, or advise you about work opportunities. I also agree with Neyite that giving your workplace a call and explaining may help, or at least live them with a more positive last impression of you.

The most important thing that has come from this experience, unpleasant though it is, is that you have learned that your parents can't be trusted on this issue. That's a valuable lesson.

Dr Sunshine

Well done on trying to deal with your problems. Your family sound like a big part of the problem and as Neyite says you need to try to distance yourself from them. Most colleges have a counselling service so check out if your college has and try to get an appointment.

Your family members are in denial and unfortunately you cannot change this. Do you have any contact with your extended family - maybe there is an aunt/cousin you could stay with temporarily if you need to move out of home. Try to be honest with your friends and let them know what you are going through. If you can't see a counsellor in college please go to your GP. Your priority now must be to look after yourself.

I hope you find the support you need. Take care.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

There is no changing them, all you can do is gradually distance yourself from their influence and make up your own mind on things.

This is a point my brother keeps making - "you cannot change them". It's something that really irritates/confuses me. Surely we can ALL change? I read the book on "Enneagrams" (the different types of personalities), and based on that, surely we can all make small changes in order to get along with the other type, especially in a shared household?

skyfall2012 wrote: »

Go into class like a fighter and tell yourself you are not going to let these people ruin your life any more. Use college as a weapon and as a tool to help your healing.

Thank you for your kind advice. I will try and keep your advice instilled in my head when I am feeling low and hopefully my attendance will improve.

Kayb219 wrote: »

The most important thing that has come from this experience, unpleasant though it is, is that you have learned that your parents can't be trusted on this issue. That's a valuable lesson.

This is my biggest regret. I should have kept what myself and the psychologist spoke about to myself. My mum asked me a question, so I just answered it straight. I thought by telling her the truth, she'd look at herself and ask what she might be doing wrong too. Unfortunately she's too stubborn to ever think she could be wrong.

Dr Sunshine wrote: »

Well done on trying to deal with your problems. Your family sound like a big part of the problem and as Neyite says you need to try to distance yourself from them.

Thank you Dr Sunshine. It saddens me the fact that I have to spend as much time away from them as possible to find happinness in myself, if they were less stubborn the family could be a much happier place. Now I feel like I will always hold a bitterness inside me towards them which upsets me.

Can I just ask people's opinions on this. For Christmas, I gave my parents €500 in an envelope for two nights away, myself included. I thought it would be a nice memory, a holiday for me and them together. I spent weeks saving for it.

Well yesterday my dad turned around and said "it's a bit bizarre how you included yourself in the holiday, it's not really a present if you're included". It hurt me so much that I felt why am I even bothering, so I asked my mum for the money back. She then left the money on my bed with a note saying "forget the holiday, your health is more important. We would prefer you to use this money towards the psychologist."

See how she flipped that around? I am the one that asked for the money back (MY money) as my dad made it clear that he didn't want me going. Now they are making it sound like THEY are paying for the psychologist. It was my money, not alone are they throwing the present back in my face, but I am also down a holiday which I was really looking forward to - instead they are telling me to use that money (MY money) for the psychologist which they were originally paying for.

I honestly don't think I could ever buy them a present again. They really don't appreciate or acknowledge anything I do. It is so hurtful.

santana75

Bloody hell OP that sounds rough. You say you dont blame your family but you have to realise that theres a reason why your dad stormed out of the couselling session and why your mother flipped out as soon as you told her about what was going on in therapy. You hit some nerves and when that happens you know theres something there. You gotta keep your cards close to your chest though. What happens in therapy is between you and your therapist. People are judgemental and no matter if they're related to you or not unless they're very self aware and have worked on themselves, they wont get it and will judge.
I agree about talking to your therapist,maybe you can work out a deal. If not dont worry because they're are counselling centres that will charge you only what you can afford. Check it out:

http://www.dctc.ie/

http://villagecounsellingservice.ie/

Shop around, I think you'll find some very generous and understanding counsellors out there who will go out of their way to help you.

Neyite

lost_and_alone wrote: »

This is a point my brother keeps making - "you cannot change them". It's something that really irritates/confuses me. Surely we can ALL change? I read the book on "Enneagrams" (the different types of personalities), and based on that, surely we can all make small changes in order to get along with the other type, especially in a shared household?

Yes, people can change, but YOU cannot change others. They have to change or want to change, themselves. And by the sounds of your father and mother, they dont see the need to change, its easier to say its you that is the one in the wrong. Your brother is right.

wrote:

My mum asked me a question, so I just answered it straight. I thought by telling her the truth, she'd look at herself and ask what she might be doing wrong too. Unfortunately she's too stubborn to ever think she could be wrong.

See? she thinks she is not wrong. If she is not wrong, why make an effort to change.

wrote:

Can I just ask people's opinions on this. For Christmas, I gave my parents €500 in an envelope for two nights away, myself included. I thought it would be a nice memory, a holiday for me and them together. I spent weeks saving for it.

Well yesterday my dad turned around and said "it's a bit bizarre how you included yourself in the holiday, it's not really a present if you're included". It hurt me so much that I felt why am I even bothering, so I asked my mum for the money back. She then left the money on my bed with a note saying "forget the holiday, your health is more important. We would prefer you to use this money towards the psychologist."

See how she flipped that around? I am the one that asked for the money back (MY money) as my dad made it clear that he didn't want me going. Now they are making it sound like THEY are paying for the psychologist. It was my money, not alone are they throwing the present back in my face, but I am also down a holiday which I was really looking forward to - instead they are telling me to use that money (MY money) for the psychologist which they were originally paying for.

I honestly don't think I could ever buy them a present again. They really don't appreciate or acknowledge anything I do. It is so hurtful.

That, to me sounds like your dad not wanting to go (maybe he would not be as free to indulge in the booze if you were there?) and your mother trying to save face with you that it was in your interests that they decided not to go. Your mother sounds like an enabler to a very domineering man, and probably is deeply embarassed that outsiders (like the psychologist) see how trapped she is.

Can I ask, why would you want to go on a holiday with them when they dont appreciate or acknowledge you and hurt you so much? Why the need to earn their approval so much? Does your brother feel the same?

Take the money back. Its beyond rude to disparage a gift someone gives, and next time, dont bother putting so much thought and effort into a gift for them. Your mother is right - spend it on you. At least then its not wasted.

LegacyUser

Hello OP,

I have experience of this sort of situation. Now I am 23 and now longer very depressed. I grew up in a terribly 'dysfunctional' (I am being notoriously kind here) family that cut me off from the world. I suffered depression since I was a young teenager, people thought it was just how I was but it was the poor life situation that was forced on top of me.

The problem is family members learn roles + expectations and run on auto pilot from there on, it is only when they realise for themselves that things are not right and have the inner strength to confront it that something can be salvaged. Counselling is great but you will be unhappy so long as you are in this dysfunctional situation- it is normal and probably a sign that you have a healthier world view than the rest of your family.

The major worry my own counsellor had about me was the lack of support from family and the lack of contact with my friends, there were groups such as Aware I could have gone too, but it was a little overwhelming at the time. Giving myself daily/weekly/monthly/annual goals, mindful meditation, yoga, getting myself involved in activites and reading a lot about CBT and positive thinking helped me support myself through very tough times, but if there is anyone you can trust with your feelings value them highly!

In the medium term you do need to devise some way of leaving the house. Step one is getting a through college, so you can get a job and money. The relaxation I feel now since I 'escaped' is intense, people have been commenting to me how I seem so different in such a short period of time (5 months). Right now I am slowly weaning my family off me visiting at weekends.

College can be a difficult time when you come from this type of background it was certainly the most miserable period of my life- but I am certain that what I got out of it gave me the platform to save my life. There is light at the end of the tunnel and when you have made it this far you definitely have the strength to see it through!!

Roisy7

Neyite's advice is excellent, you can't change them, but you can change your reaction to them. Don't whatever you do give up on counselling, work or college. They are your ticket out of your hellish family.

As Dr Sunshine said, many colleges have free/low-cost counselling options. UL, for example, has access to a psychiatrist. There are organisations like Pieta House too which are excellent.

I urge you to ring your psychologist and explain why you can no longer afford to go to your sessions. I urge you to go to your welfare officer in college and explain the situation.

As for your family. OP you are never ever going to make them happy. They are toxic people and that €500 would be better off down the drain than going to them. There is some severe emotional abuse issues here, and you need help to deal with them.

Finally, I hope whoever your dad meets on the road has god on their side too, because if he's drink-driving he won't only kill himself but bring someone else with him.

LegacyUser

@escapetovictory: Thank you very much. The problem is though I have three more years in college, so I am stuck here till then. I appreciate all that you said but I need something to help me now.

Roisy7 wrote: »

As for your family. OP you are never ever going to make them happy. They are toxic people and that €500 would be better off down the drain than going to them. There is some severe emotional abuse issues here, and you need help to deal with them.

Finally, I hope whoever your dad meets on the road has god on their side too, because if he's drink-driving he won't only kill himself but bring someone else with him.

Thank you Roisy. I have no idea what to do about the €500 being thrown back in my face. It has created a bitterness inside me which I will never be able to forgive. Birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day, I am never going to buy them a present again. I couldn't, because what's the point? They don't acknowledge or appreciate anything I do.

It kills me to know they don't care. They are all so tough, they see nothing from anyone elses perspective. I really don't know what to do. I feel so alone. And deel down inside I really don't like them, I am full of bitterness and resent. Even if we do make up and get along, it kills me to know that I feel this way towards them because they are my family and I'd love to be able to get on with them, but they really are malicious people. What do you do when you've so much bitterness with your own family? I aired my views to them before, but as I said, they think I'm wrong.

I attended my lectures today.

emuhead

OP, a lot of good advice above. Maybe you might consider attending AlAnon? It's for relatives and friends of alcoholics and it's free and anonymous. Most universities have free student counselling for a limited number of sessions (5-6 per academic year generally) but can sometimes extend this in extenuating circumstances. In any case, they would be able to advise you re low cost therapy options. Some university counsellors (mainly newer staff) today are actually counselling psychologists.
Also, you can access support through the university medical / health service, which is free.
Please hang in there - don't isolate yourself by withdrawing from work and college.

December2012

lost_and_alone wrote: »

I attended my lectures today.

Well done. Does your college have a student rep or union you could talk to?

Roisy7

lost_and_alone wrote: »

@escapetovictory: Thank you very much. The problem is though I have three more years in college, so I am stuck here till then. I appreciate all that you said but I need something to help me now.



Thank you Roisy. I have no idea what to do about the €500 being thrown back in my face. It has created a bitterness inside me which I will never be able to forgive. Birthdays, Mother's day, Father's day, I am never going to buy them a present again. I couldn't, because what's the point? They don't acknowledge or appreciate anything I do.

It kills me to know they don't care. They are all so tough, they see nothing from anyone elses perspective. I really don't know what to do. I feel so alone. And deel down inside I really don't like them, I am full of bitterness and resent. Even if we do make up and get along, it kills me to know that I feel this way towards them because they are my family and I'd love to be able to get on with them, but they really are malicious people. What do you do when you've so much bitterness with your own family? I aired my views to them before, but as I said, they think I'm wrong.

I attended my lectures today.

I'm glad to hear you attended your lectures.

On the €500. I hope I didn't seem harsh in my previous post, but why would you give them such a good present when they have been like this? Most reasonable parents would never, in their wildest dreams, expect such a present from their 22-year-old daughter while she's in college. Hell, I bought my mother €30 slippers at Christmas and she said they were too much.

You said you saved for it. Well now, that €500 would easily cover a deposit on a student house. If you were driving it would help with tax/insurance. So save your money for you. Get your parents a tin of USA biscuits on their birthdays, it's more than they deserve. Think of it this way, they throw a good present back in your face, so what's the worst they can do with a bad one??

People CAN change but they have to WANT to change. As someone said above, your father seems a domineering character. But why the hell would he change? He's being enabled left, right and centre, whether it's your mother or the publican who hands him the keys after a feed of pints. So you have to work on removing yourself from that list of enablers.

Take your money back and spend it on the psychologist. You need help to get through this OP. The very best of luck!