Not In Love with her

LegacyUser

I'm looking for some advice here as I don't really know what to do?

I've been seeing my currect girlfriend for 4 years and I realise that while I do love her I'm not in love with her. I think I only got into the relationship as I wanted to be in a relationship and as time went on I realised I didn't love her as I should.

I thought it was maybe because we didn't see each other that much so I asked her to move in with me. I thoguth this would make things better if we lived together, I realise now this is not the case and I now know that I don't want to marry her :-(

I know I'll have to break up with her and its going to come like a bolt out of the blue as I know she does love me and I've never let her know that I had my doubts. Whats worse is that she has rented out her apartment and has moved all her stuff in with me and I just don't know what I should do? I really don't want to hurt her but I know its going to hurt her a lot :-(

Has anyone any advise that may help?

Katgurl

You dont say how long you are together but of you're sure you are not going to change your mind then my advice would be to finish it quickly.

I know it's not ideal having asked her to move in with you but reality is its never right time to break up with someone and you owe her honesty at least.

I once agreed to move in with my then-boyfriend, we paid our deposit, gave notice on our respective places and night before we were due to move I realised I was lying to myself. It was awful telling him, so so awful. But you know it would have been worse to let it continue with him believing a lie. He's now married to he girl he met later that year and while we are not friends he does not seem to have any sort of hostility toward me.

Tell her you need to talk to her in the evening, sit her down, tell her how sorry you are about the circumstances (moving in together), that you care very much for her but you don't see a future for the two of you together and you don't want to mislead her. She will be very upset but you are going to have to deal with that, do not backtrack or suggest a temporary break or staying together while living separately or anything like that. Be kind but firm. Have a plan ready about living arrangements ie if it's your place could you stay with a mate for couple weeks while she finds somewhere else? Do not sleep with her as this will confuse her.

Good luck.

sffc

100% agree with Katgurl on her advice above , especially the bit about giving her time and space to sort living arrangments out . The only additon I can think of is that if you are doing this you need to agree a maximum time period that she can stay in the apartment . "When you get sorted" is tempting but way too vauge - specify it in weeks .
Plenty of people in your situation have have shut their eyes, got married and brought children into a loveless atmosphere . You are doing the right thing OP .

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

You dont say how long you are together but of you're sure you are not going to change your mind then my advice would be to finish it quickly.

I know it's not ideal having asked her to move in with you but reality is its never right time to break up with someone and you owe her honesty at least.

I once agreed to move in with my then-boyfriend, we paid our deposit, gave notice on our respective places and night before we were due to move I realised I was lying to myself. It was awful telling him, so so awful. But you know it would have been worse to let it continue with him believing a lie. He's now married to he girl he met later that year and while we are not friends he does not seem to have any sort of hostility toward me.

Tell her you need to talk to her in the evening, sit her down, tell her how sorry you are about the circumstances (moving in together), that you care very much for her but you don't see a future for the two of you together and you don't want to mislead her. She will be very upset but you are going to have to deal with that, do not backtrack or suggest a temporary break or staying together while living separately or anything like that. Be kind but firm. Have a plan ready about living arrangements ie if it's your place could you stay with a mate for couple weeks while she finds somewhere else? Do not sleep with her as this will confuse her.

Good luck.

First I'd like to say thanks for the advise, I'm completely lost here at the moment?

We've been together for 4 years going on to year 5. It just breaks my heart to have to do this to her as she is a lovely girl and she has been nothing but good to me :-(

I just don't know how to tell her I'm not in love with her, I wish I was and I've tried but I know I could only love her as a friend. She is going to be devasted!

I have no plan on what to do I've only really admitted this to myself today. I've always put it to the back of my mind when the doubts crept in but now I realise I'm only making things worse. It's my house she is living in at the moment and her place is rented out till July.

She's away at the moment and isn't back till Sunday and I just can't saying anything like this on the phone. I can't imagine I could say anything on Sunday either, then on Tuesday its our first date anniversary. This is awful :-(

LegacyUser

sffc wrote: »

Plenty of people in your situation have have shut their eyes, got married and brought children into a loveless atmosphere . You are doing the right thing OP .

I even thought about this and this is whats lead me to where I am now. I don't what to end up 5 years from now having to go through a divorce with children involved because I couldn't do the right thing now.

As much as it hurts me I know I've got to do it but when I think about it all I can think of is the pain and hurt she is going to go through and it brings tears to my eyes. :-(

Katgurl

As I said there isn't going to be a good time. The phone is a terrible idea so prepare to do it Sunday. Going through the motions of your anniversary will be too false and painful for you both.

im confused again

This is a very difficult situation to be in, for you and your girlfriend. But you know yourself that there is no choice about what you need to do. It will be extremely hard to tell her but this is something that cannot be avoided. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have thought things through. While the discussion will be most difficult and also the few weeks afterwards, it will definitely be best in the long term.
Last summer I was in a relationship with a girl for almost 3 years. I knew it wasn't right. So we split up. It was a difficult discussion at the time but now 6 months later life couldn't be better. I have met another woman and I could not be happier.
I know that you are more worried for her than yourself but the point I am making is that you will both get over this and the right person for each of you is out there.

LegacyUser

im confused again wrote: »

This is a very difficult situation to be in, for you and your girlfriend. But you know yourself that there is no choice about what you need to do. It will be extremely hard to tell her but this is something that cannot be avoided. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have thought things through. While the discussion will be most difficult and also the few weeks afterwards, it will definitely be best in the long term.
Last summer I was in a relationship with a girl for almost 3 years. I knew it wasn't right. So we split up. It was a difficult discussion at the time but now 6 months later life couldn't be better. I have met another woman and I could not be happier.
I know that you are more worried for her than yourself but the point I am making is that you will both get over this and the right person for each of you is out there.

My problem is I can't help but put myself in her shoes, to her I'm the only one. She tells me all the time how lucky she is and how I'm her dream man. She is all so a very emotional girl. She doesn't have many close friends so she doesn't have a shoulder to cry on. This is one of the reason I have so far stayed in the relationship, the fear of the hurt it "will" cause her :-(

I almost wish we argued or I was with someone or there was something more but there isn't anything. We've had some really good times together, some really great times and I don't think I've ever argued with her. She is going to be devastated :-(

I've got to stop thinking like this?

CaraMay

She will get over it. Op you can't make excuses for staying with the girl... It's very disrespectful to stay with someone out of pity.

LegacyUser

As tough as its going to be I'm going to tell her when she's back on Sunday. There's never a right time so there's no point it dragging it on any longer. I'm not looking forward to it and I hope its not to hard for her and I do know in time we will both feel happier.

Thanks to everyone for their advise and experience on this matter. I'll post back to let everyone know how it goes. Thanks again

Lorna123

Its a bit of a bummer that she has now rented out her apartment until July because you asked her to move in with you, so where is she expected to go? First of all I think you should tell her how you feel. She most probably won't want to stay in your place after that. So that will be that problem solved. You owe her the truth and just telling her the truth will make you feel better. She will be very disappoited but will get over it. Your first priority is to yourself and you can't stay in this relationship because you are afraid of hurting her. It will be hard on both of you but at least you now know what you want and that is something to start with.

LegacyUser

Thanks Lorna, I just thought I would feel different if we were living together and I feel responsible for her moving in because it was me that kept asking her :-( I should have known it wouldn't have made a difference.

The accommodation isn't a huge problem, I found out that she can actually get her apartment back in 30 days. As for me I've got plenty of places I can go to so at least I can give her some space.

CaraMay

Best to tell her soon then.

LegacyUser

Well I broke up with her last night :-( To say she was in shock is an total understatement. There was a lot of tears, a lot of why's, a lot of please try again, a lot of emotional blackmail, a lot of abuse, a lot of begging and then back to the start to repeat the same stuff over again.

The guilt I was feeling was extremely intense and I almost gave in a couple of times but I knew I would just end up in the same position 6 months, a year down the line. No matter what I said to her she just wouldn't listen. I said I would go to my brothers for the night but she beg me to stay, saying its the least I could do after 4 years. So I stayed and it went on. She tried to get me to sleep in the same room but I slept in the spare room.

Then this morning she came in again and the conversation started all over again, in the end I said I had to go to work.

I know she's in work now as I just got an email from her asking if I want her out of the house right now. I sent her a reply saying she could stay until her place is ready and I would stay with my brother. I'm going to go home at lunch time and grab some stuff, my brother said I could stay with him and his girlfriend till its sorted.

I feel completely drained today, I knew this was going to be hard but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. My mind keeps playing tricks on me and I keep blaming myself for everything, some of the things she said makes me feel like I've ruined her chance of ever being happy :-(

There is no magic switch I can flick to change things, I wish there was, but she just doesn't seem to be able to understand this. I've got to go with my heart as painful as it is and I know I'm doing the right thing now. :-(

prettyinpink

I'm so sorry to hear this op but you've done the right thing for both of you in the long run.

tan11ie

Stay strong and stay true to your heart ....It's a hard thing to do when you know you're hurting another person. Try keep some distance because the emotional blackmail may continue for some time.

LegacyUser

I'm still getting the why? and try again :-( but I know it won't work. She does seem to be accepting it a bit more now.

Why do I have this huge feeling of guilt? I should be feeling much happier but I don't, I keep thinking about her even though I know I don't want to be with her any more. I have to head over after work to pick up some stuff and I know she will be there. I'm a bit worried as to what will happen then?

I will stay true to my heart, I know that if I did back down. It would just be a matter of time before I would have to break up again. I think I'm going to stay single for a long time after this.

ibarelycare

NotInLove wrote: »

I'm still getting the why? and try again :-( but I know it won't work. She does seem to be accepting it a bit more now.

Why do I have this huge feeling of guilt? I should be feeling much happier but I don't, I keep thinking about her even though I know I don't want to be with her any more. I have to head over after work to pick up some stuff and I know she will be there. I'm a bit worried as to what will happen then?

I will stay true to my heart, I know that if I did back down. It would just be a matter of time before I would have to break up again. I think I'm going to stay single for a long time after this.

How you're feeling is normal. You're not going to have instant happiness...of course you're going to feel guilty because you're a decent person and you feel bad for making this person feel the way she does. And even though you're not IN LOVE with her any more, I'm sure you care deeply for her.

Just be strong. The first few days are awful and she's going to be absolutely all over the place. But as long as you stand your ground, then very shortly she's going to have to accept it and come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. That doesn't mean the tears, phonecalls, texts, etc will stop. But hopefully the begging and the "why's" will.

Sometimes having no contact after a breakup for a period is best for both parties, but that's up to you. Obviously because of your living situations, you're going to need some level of contact. But after the initial few days, I think you should keep it to a minimum.

The guilt will ease over time and eventually you will realise what you did is the right thing. It's just going to take some time.

P. Breathnach

NotInLove wrote: »

...
Why do I have this huge feeling of guilt? I should be feeling much happier but I don't...

If you didn't have such feelings, you should worry.

LegacyUser

Thanks for both of your replies :-)

I do care a lot for her and I hope further down the road she will realise how much I do care for her and not to hate me for this break up. I am finding the cutting contact very difficult because of the accommodation but I think once I collect some more stuff later I'll be able to keep that down to a bare minimum.

Thanks everyone for your help. I have broken up and been left before but it was always more of a joint decisions. I've never been in this situation before so its been very difficult.

I guess I'll see how she is when I'm over later, I hope she's ok