The Real Rules of Golf : )

fearruanua

The Real(unwritten) Rules


1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

11. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. for a GÇÿ10'.

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as GÇÿchalant' putts.

14. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

15. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

16. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

17. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

18. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

21. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

22. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

24. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

25. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

26. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

27. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

28. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the LAWN

29. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

32. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

33. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

35. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

36. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

37. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

39. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

40. It's not a 'gimme' if you're still away.

41. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

Milkers

lol'ed at quite a few of these

DAZP93

Number 15 is by fav..Savage post

blindside88

Great post

TRS30

Funny cause it's true.......

sumeas

A simple game!

Rikand

My favourite ones

fearruanua wrote: »

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

14. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.


23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

25. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

27. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

28. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the LAWN

38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

And this one could probably be related to half the posters in here ::


22. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

fearruanua

fearruanua wrote: »

21. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

My own personal favourite. So true!!

Arsenium

I love #7. Very inisghtful.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Other favourites.

19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

23. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Absolute classic.

28. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the LAWN

30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

blue note

fearruanua wrote: »

The Real(unwritten) Rules

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

Great post. This is the truest for me. So many times I've waited for a green to clear only to duff my 4 iron or 5 wood. Especially if someone has suggested that I wouldn't be able to reach it anyway.

phkk

Great post fearnuarua, wet myself laughing at so many of those!! 90% 0f the time I do hit that twig!!

phkk

Great post fearnuarua, wet myself laughing at so many of those!! 90% 0f the time I do hit that branch!!

antoobrien

fearruanua wrote: »

The Real(unwritten) Rules

You forgot #42: Laughing at your partner's duff guarantees you'll do worse for your next shot.

Gin77

20's My fav

Roger_007

There are exceptions to the rules of golf, follow this link: http://www.golfjokes.co.uk/exceptions/index.html

Milkers

Roger_007 wrote: »

There are exceptions to the rules of golf, follow this link: http://www.golfjokes.co.uk/exceptions/index.html

These are brilliant. For example:

"Ball Hiding from Player

If a player cannot find a ball that has been hit in plain sight into a reasonably playable area of the course where there is an accumulation of dead leaves, seasonal debris, grass clippings, or other forms of incidental camouflage in which a furtive ball could improperly conceal itself, the ball shall be deemed to be hiding, but not lost, and another ball may be dropped without penalty as close as possible to the place where the original ball is believed to be lurking."

Roger_007

Roger_007 wrote: »

There are exceptions to the rules of golf, follow this link: http://www.golfjokes.co.uk/exceptions/index.html

This is my favourite:

Audible Interference with Swing

A player may replay his shot without assessing a stroke if at any time during his backswing or downswing, and prior to the moment when he strikes his ball, he shall hear a distracting sound or noise, including, but not limited to (a) a horn, siren, bell, gong, or chime, (b) a backfire, tire squeal, or engine whine, (c) a cheer, shout, groan, or whoop; (d) a bang, clap, crack, crash, slam, or snap; (e) a blast, rumble, or roar; (J) a thud, click, clunk, rattle, or clatter; (g) a bark, bellow, whinny, bleat, or howl; (h) a squawk, quack, cackle, cluck, chirp, honk, mew, or coo; (i) a cough, hiccup, sniffle, snort, or sneeze; or (j) a giggle, chuckle, chortle, snicker, or guffaw.

onlyfinewine

Roger_007 wrote: »

This is my favourite:

Audible Interference with Swing

A player may replay his shot without assessing a stroke if at any time during his backswing or downswing, and prior to the moment when he strikes his ball, he shall hear a distracting sound or noise, including, but not limited to (a) a horn, siren, bell, gong, or chime, (b) a backfire, tire squeal, or engine whine, (c) a cheer, shout, groan, or whoop; (d) a bang, clap, crack, crash, slam, or snap; (e) a blast, rumble, or roar; (J) a thud, click, clunk, rattle, or clatter; (g) a bark, bellow, whinny, bleat, or howl; (h) a squawk, quack, cackle, cluck, chirp, honk, mew, or coo; (i) a cough, hiccup, sniffle, snort, or sneeze; or (j) a giggle, chuckle, chortle, snicker, or guffaw.

So no relief for a Harrumph or pshaw then?

chud1234

brilliant if it's not broke change your grip classic

markthespark77

like 14 meself...great post.

stockdam

I like number 34 but would suggest the following edit:



If the light is fading fast and you are on the 12th hole then you'll be having the game of your life.

Panrich

I've seen this a few times too:

Ball Swung at and Missed

A player who assumes his stance, formally addresses the ball, and then fairly strikes at it, but in so doing fails completely to make contact with any part of the ball, is deemed to have performed a full-address rehearsal of his swing (practice swing) and therefore need not count a stroke provided that he strictly observes the following procedure:

1. He must immediately readdress the ball with the same club, and his next stroke shall be counted regardless of result

2. He must not exhibit any surprise or dismay or suggest by gesture or facial expression that he ever harboured an expectation or belief that his swing would cause his ball to undertake any forward movement whatsoever.

3. He must make no remark disparaging the course, the prevailing weather conditions, the state of his equipment, or the level of his own playing skill, other than a statement taking note of the fortuitous elimination through practice of a faulty swing or a declaration of an intention to strike at the ball with less force or in a more controlled and measured manner when making his actual, true, real, final, intended, and accountable stroke.