Complex issue with an ex

LegacyUser

Quick backstory - me and my GF of 18 months broke up at the start of the year. It had been on the cards for a long time, to the point where it was almost a mutual parting of ways when it happened. We both agreed we would stay in touch and remain friends, and for the first week or two after it ended we were able to chat every few days without making things harder for ourselves. Of course I missed her, but without the pain and anguish you see so many people go through after a long-term relationship ends. Everything seemed to work out fine.

But after a while I got the sense that she wasn't as happy staying in contact as I was. The last time I spoke to her was about 3 weeks ago when it was plainly obvious she didn't want to hear from me....but I don't know whether that was because she's changed her mind on us being friends, or whether the semi-regular contact was making the break-up harder for her. Either way I told myself after that I would give us some space and not text or chat for a while. I haven't heard from her since.

However since then I've run into some major problems of a different kind, both family matters and severe difficulties in work. On top of that, the lack of contact with the ex has really made me miss her more, to the point where I'm getting those horrible long-term break-up feelings I thought I had missed out on.

The combination of all these issues has really put me on a low ebb in recent weeks and I feel like I need to talk to someone about the work and family matters in particular....and the only person who'll really understand these problems is my ex-GF (who doesn't know I'm having these issues).

A part of me thinks it would help me to give her a call and see if she'll allow me to talk to her about my other problems...but I'm also afraid about what that could do to the 'healing process' of the break-up. What do you think?

im confused again

This problem is fairly usual when couples break up in an amicable mutual way. It's ok to think you can be friends and sometimes it works but quite often it doesn't. It could be that she misses you too and that contact is too painful, or it could be that she has started seeing somebody else. Friendship with ex's is usually kicked to touch when a new relationship starts, which is understandable.

CaraMay

She doesn't seem to want up be in contact do I wouldn't contact her and would talk to a friend or relative instead. Imagine how much worse you will feel if she doesn't return your call...

stargazer 68

CaraMay wrote: »

She doesn't seem to want up be in contact do I wouldn't contact her and would talk to a friend or relative instead. Imagine how much worse you will feel if she doesn't return your call...

This Op but also, and apologies for being really blunt here, but why on earth would she want to listen to your problems? I know you had a relationship but thats over now and she clearly doesn't want to keep in touch.

Speak to a friend or relative instead and let the girl move on.

sffc

Don't mean to be smart OP but your issue is not complex - it's quite simple . It would be nice if relationships could simply switch to a friendship straight away but they don't - or if they do its a very, very , rare occurence . Among my own friends I can't think of any tbh . What does happen occasionly is that after a period of almost no contact people form a "new" friendship with each other with the relationship a dim and distant memory . There are no rules as to how just long this period of no contact is or indeed if the "new" friendship will form at all . Best thing to do is expect nothing, that way you can't be dissappointed .
You say that "the only person who'll really understand these problems is my ex-G " - I doubt this . Anyway, sharing your problems with her really isn't fair right now . From what you write your ex is looking for a period of no-contact and it may be permanent . You need to accept this and respect her wishes . This acceptance may help you with the other issues . In short you need to move on .

RossFixxxed

As the others said it's pretty simple: don't contact her about it. The relationship ended she's moving on, or at least trying to. I've had amicable break ups but I sure didn't want to hear their problems.

Sorry man, you gotta move on.

daisybelle2008

Fork out for a counsellor, sometimes free through college or work. To be honest it is better to pay a trained professional to listen to your problems rather than dragging down friends never mind exes who have absolutely no interest. I rarely indulge or listen to friends wallowing in misery, I prefer to cheer them up by having fun with them. And you couldn't pay me enough money to listen to an ex complaining about his 'issues' and problems.

sherbett32

This is not a complex issue, it's very simple.

This girl is your ex, She is not your friend. It sounds as though she's moved on. You need to as well.

Not to be harsh but why would she want to listen to your woes. Confide in your mates.

P.s even if she were to contact you how do you think this would pan out. Even if you meet and have a heart to heart, would you then meet on a regular basis until your problems are resolved

ShowMeTheCash

Going to sound like a broken record here as, I am not adding anything new to this.

But I know what it is like to go through this kind of break-up.. When me and ex broke up, was a long time coming but we did not really fall out just had a talk and decided that was it... after 8 years... It was a shock to the system as my entire life changed, after 8 years it can be hard to know who you are on your own... But anyways...

During days where I was down or feeling sorry for myself, I would loved to have contacted my ex as I did not have anyone else, whether you are in love with someone or not, having someone to fall back on is a great comfort!

But as a few have pointed out, she is not your buddy, she is your ex, you have to allow her to move on with her life, being friends with the ex usually does not work, people say it, but it is a lot harder than it looks!

"Hey ex fancy meeting up later tonight??", "Sure!" then she lands down with her new boyfriend, "hey ex here is my new boyfriend"... "Nice to meet you..." Then you get to watched them eat face towards the end of the night! AWESOME!!

There are just too many complicated feelings, also if she has met someone knew I am sure she is nice and would not want to do or seem to be doing anything to hurt you.

I think you just need to let it go buddy...
If you found or when you find someone knew you might see it different.