I want to come home

LegacyUser

I'm working in a city (I'm from a rural area originally). I am happy enough in my job but I have been trying to get a better one without success (I get paid very little in my current position). I went for loads of interviews recently and flunked every one of them.
My self-esteem is rock bottom (it was never that high to begin with anyway). I keep telling myself "I'm no good". It's a favourite pastime of mine; I recite it to myself while I am driving, doing odd jobs in my flat etc.
I have suffered from depression in the past (I am on anti-depressants). I find it difficult to enjoy anything, I don't want to speak to people except when I have to.
I am lucky in that my parents have land and I have only one sibling and she is financially independent. As the thread title says, I think I am better off not working anymore and that I should just come home and live with my parents. I know after a while that would make me even more depressed as it is in the middle of nowhere with only a little village nearby.
I've discussed it with my mother, she is not in favour of it but won't stop me if that's what I really want. My father would probably be against it but also would not stop me.
I suppose I would be crazy to give up a job in the present economy (even one that pays so little) but I just don't feel confident anymore. I don't think I am "good enough" to work anymore. I am not sure of myself anymore, I feel like a fool, a failure, an inept human being.
I've given up on myself and am prepared to accept that I am useless.
There's nothing for me at home, just keeping myself busy in whatever way I can, there's certainly not a career in it for me but I feel like I am not fit for anything else.
I went to college and got a degree and a job but I don't feel right anymore.
My mother says I only feel this way because of the interviews and that has brought down my morale.
Maybe she is right but it's just the way I feel.

Standman

As you said yourself, going home will make things worse and further lower your self esteem. You have low self esteem already and you are further lowering it by deliberately punishing yourself more and more.

I think the best advice for you is to see a counsellor and ask them about cognitive behavioral therapy, it is the most successful treatment for depression that doesn't involve drugs and in my opinion the best. You just have to take the first step and do it, stop punishing yourself because you deserve better and you deserve to be happy.

RossFixxxed

Hey, look I don't think the moving home is the real issue. It sure is a big factor at the moment, but reciting how useless you are and saying you've given up on yourself is the real issue.

When did you last go to a doctor? I'd say do that first. You are on medication but maybe other changes need to be made. I'm not suggesting what, as that is for a professional.

Many people have been where you are, myself included and sometimes it IS the job itself but that only seems a small part of the puzzle here to me.

Can you hang on in the job for a few months while you work on yourself? I think building yourself back up will provide clarity and help with the interviews etc. Moving home doesn't seem like a great option in your case (from my reading of the post) and my make things worse?

Really really think the GP is your first port of call and whatever they recommend to you from there. You probably will end up changing / quitting job but if you can get help and are in a better place more options open up to you. If the job itself is causing a lot of this, we may need to reevaluate the situation.

You seem to know that it isn't the real issue, and I hope you follow up with someone more qualified, and we're all here to support you in any other way we can. We've been there man, we'll probably be there again. The only difference is that I know it can get better and that there are always more factors at play than just a job, or whatever. I know I'lll come through and that a lot of the change is within me first, then external factors.

I've said this before: the depression lies to you. It tells you you are worthless, nothing will ever work, you are different and can't recover like others. DO NOT BELIEVE IT. Don't even believe me but find someone you trust and that has come back from this and follow them. It is an insidious, nasty, belitteling illness and it sinks its damn roots into you. It can be hard to see what people are saying, it can make you kee-jerk against advice but it is LYING TO YOU. You are not this illness, and this illness is not you. You have to want to cut it out of your life like the horrible tumour that it is. You deserve happiness, you can get better, you can get help, people care about you and want to see you better. Look I'm a random stranger in Dublin who has never met you and I want to help. Take even that away from your post, I want to see you better and I care that you do. I KNOW THAT YOU CAN. If my word isn't good, there are countless others on here who have been through their very own private hells and have emerged strong from it. Some posters here know my back story and know it is bad, but I'm here and I'm fighting and stronger than ever. (I'm not without really dark days but I know they will pass). "Like a kidney stone, this pain will pass away."

LegacyUser

Think of it this way:

Had you gotten one of those jobs which pays better than the position you're in, would you still want to move home? Would that better job encourage you to talk to people?

One person's decision to hire you or not has effected your self esteem - it's time to find some decent help.

I know how it is when you're in a job with financial pressures etc and not sure what way your career is going to go. But, until you sort out your inner self, you'll always feel like you're not good enough.

I went from being unemployable without a degree a while back to a graduate now doing a post grad and thinking about a MAsters - I wouldn't have done that without the help of a therapist. I had been rudderless but now I have direction.

Go talk to someone you feel you can work with. You won't regret it.

The fact that you got a job shows that someone thought enough of you to hire you.

RossFixxxed

EDIT: this part was posted in reply to another post, since delted. I get why you posted this (it was a book about a self made millionaire), but your post offers no real help. From what I can see in the OP this goes past that point and comparing yourself to a one in a million type can lead to further unhappiness / restlessness.

I really believe, esepcailly since the OP is on meds going to a professional. Read a few inspiring books sure, but get help first. From my limited experience these things can rub salt in a wound if you are feeling down on yourself.

LegacyUser

I was with a counsellor a few years ago and she recomended CBT. I bought a book on it and read a bit about it on the 'net but I couldn't get into it. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
I go to Aware meetings twice monthly and have regular appointments with the HSE. They changed my meds recently too but it's too soon to make a difference.
I'm basing my self-worth on where I am in my career (and where I am is not where I want to be; I feel I should be doing better).
I think I am aiming too high in the jobs I am applying for. I'm good enough for a less-demanding job but not a high-powered one. To be truthful about it sometimes when I am in the interview and I'm confronted with these brainy well-spken types I ask myself "what am I doing here?I'm not good enough for this". I want to get a better job but my mental health doesn't allow me to really believe I am good enough. A HSE doc said to me once that I probably wasn't suited to a job with a lot of responsibilty. He didn't mean it as an insult and it wasn't taken as insult. He spoke a lot of truth to be honest.
It's just that I feel I need to succeed in getting a top job to boost my self-esteem and make me feel good about myself.

Roisy7

pat_33 wrote: »

I was with a counsellor a few years ago and she recomended CBT. I bought a book on it and read a bit about it on the 'net but I couldn't get into it. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
I go to Aware meetings twice monthly and have regular appointments with the HSE. They changed my meds recently too but it's too soon to make a difference.
I'm basing my self-worth on where I am in my career (and where I am is not where I want to be; I feel I should be doing better).
I think I am aiming too high in the jobs I am applying for. I'm good enough for a less-demanding job but not a high-powered one. To be truthful about it sometimes when I am in the interview and I'm confronted with these brainy well-spken types I ask myself "what am I doing here?I'm not good enough for this". I want to get a better job but my mental health doesn't allow me to really believe I am good enough. A HSE doc said to me once that I probably wasn't suited to a job with a lot of responsibilty. He didn't mean it as an insult and it wasn't taken as insult. He spoke a lot of truth to be honest.
It's just that I feel I need to succeed in getting a top job to boost my self-esteem and make me feel good about myself.

OP, I am not qualified in any sense to give you advice on medication, CBT etc., but I think you should def go to your GP asap and talk to them.

That doctor made a remark he maybe shouldn't have, because we know that there are successful people with mental illness, not that you should be comparing yourself to them- you should compare yourself to nobody.

I urge you not to base your self-worth on your career or a remark a doctor once made in passing. You are not your career, or your illness. You don't mention if you have a partner but I'm sure you mean something very important to someone. You are loved. You come across as a very articulate, nice guy and as RossFixxed put in his wonderful post a bunch of strangers on the internet want to help you

Please don't take the flunking interviews to heart. Times are hard at the moment. In fact times are quite frankly ****. I too am looking for a job in my career and I know exactly how disheartening it is to get rejection after rejection. But look at it this way, it's a lottery at the moment. Companies are getting, literally, hundreds of applications and the fact that you're even getting to interview stage is positive.

Don't move home and definitely don't give up work. Imagine your life in a year's time if you did. As RossFixxed said, depression is an insidious, evil illness that wants you to be in its grip. Please go get help. Good luck OP, all the very best

LegacyUser

I'm actually not annoyed at what the doc said about me not being suited to a job with repsonsibility, he was only trying to help.
I was doing OK there for a while, I've been in the grip of depression for about fifteen years and I haven't ever really been "not depressed". I have these depressive episodes every few few years (the last one was in 2010 and nearly caused me to quit the job I was in at the time).
Something usually triggers them;a sudden realisation of what age I am, how little I have acheived. On this ocassion it's my continuing failure at job interviews.
I am not as bad this time as I was before (probably because of the medication I am on).
I heard back from one of the interviews I did today;they want me to take an online test (verbal and numerical reasoning) so that means I made it through to the next stage.
Trouble is I am completely useless at those types of tests. I have a good mind not to bother doing it as I know I will flunk it. I will probably do it though.
I have a lot of things floating around in my head at the moment, I don't think I am in a fit state to take on the challenge of a new job right now.
To answer one poster's question, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't think I'm worthy of anyones's love even though some nice girls have taken an interest in me over the years.
I used to house-share but have lived on my own for the past year. I don't like it to be honest, I didn't realise how lonely it would be. It's all a manifestation of my low self-esteem.
Leaving my job and going home would be "dropping out of life" to me. I don't want to give in to depression and end up on my own after my parents have died.
I've focused too much attention on getting a better job (to the detriment of my personal health). I think this is because the last time I was out of work I got really depressed and I fear if I am not in a "stable" job I'll be back on the dole again.
I had a bad night last night, terrible negative thoughts in my head. I suppose I am posting this 'cause it's near to bedtime and I have to face them again and I want some comfort.

Roisy7

pat_33 wrote: »

I'm actually not annoyed at what the doc said about me not being suited to a job with repsonsibility, he was only trying to help.
I was doing OK there for a while, I've been in the grip of depression for about fifteen years and I haven't ever really been "not depressed". I have these depressive episodes every few few years (the last one was in 2010 and nearly caused me to quit the job I was in at the time).
Something usually triggers them;a sudden realisation of what age I am, how little I have acheived. On this ocassion it's my continuing failure at job interviews.
I am not as bad this time as I was before (probably because of the medication I am on).
I heard back from one of the interviews I did today;they want me to take an online test (verbal and numerical reasoning) so that means I made it through to the next stage.
Trouble is I am completely useless at those types of tests. I have a good mind not to bother doing it as I know I will flunk it. I will probably do it though.
I have a lot of things floating around in my head at the moment, I don't think I am in a fit state to take on the challenge of a new job right now.
To answer one poster's question, I don't have a girlfriend, I don't think I'm worthy of anyones's love even though some nice girls have taken an interest in me over the years.
I used to house-share but have lived on my own for the past year. I don't like it to be honest, I didn't realise how lonely it would be. It's all a manifestation of my low self-esteem.
Leaving my job and going home would be "dropping out of life" to me. I don't want to give in to depression and end up on my own after my parents have died.
I've focused too much attention on getting a better job (to the detriment of my personal health). I think this is because the last time I was out of work I got really depressed and I fear if I am not in a "stable" job I'll be back on the dole again.
I had a bad night last night, terrible negative thoughts in my head. I suppose I am posting this 'cause it's near to bedtime and I have to face them again and I want some comfort.

Op you really have to go to your GP in the morning. You need help to control those thoughts. You are a good person, worthy of love and a good career.

I only wish I could say something more helpful and encouraging but know that all of us here wish the best for you

RossFixxxed

Hey OP, the others are right here. Get to the GP soon!

I don't think trying CBT etc from a book is going to work great, I think by making a regular appointment you can form a better routine around looking after your mental health. You'll have exercises to do etc. You need to adjust the whole set up and a professional is the only one who can do this.

I know it is disheartening, but it takes a few goes to get these things hammered out. You have to remember that your judgement on this is affected by the illness itself. You'll have to take a little on faith that others have been through this and we couldn't see the forest for the trees at the time either.

Working on fixing this should be your absolute number one priority. It affects all areas of your life and the improvement will give you space and clarity to make these big decisions. We all struggle with issues like this, but you have this illness making it so much harder for you. You clearly have huge reserves of inner strength, and that is to be commended, HOWEVER, you shouldn't need to fight and struggle like this. And you won't have to. This IS fixable! I promise you things can and will get better.

Realise this: It will take time, there isn't a magic cure. You need to work at it a bit, but in the correct way and in conjunction with a professional. You willl not know yourself once you get going. Truly man, I've read your posts and I can seriously relate to all of it. I feel your pain and I just want, in some small way, to get through to you and tell you that you can come back from anything. You really, really can. You're gonna be damn proud once you get going on this!

LegacyUser

I won't go to my GP as I have been to my HSE appointment recently and the GP there put me on a new anti-depressant (my next appointment is on the 24 Feb). When I am in work I am OK but it's just when I go home and am alone I start to get "afraid" of work and responsibility and doubt myself.
That's when I think I would be better off at home. As the previous poster said,my judgement is being affected by my illness so I am not thinking straight.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to know does anyone know of any schemes the HSE have for people with mental illness who are unable to work? If not the HSE then other voluntary organisations?
I can't come home and do nothing. I am based in Cork by the way.

Roisy7

Pat I wouldn't wait til the 24 Feb, it's far enough away and these thoughts are not lessening. I don't think your GP would want you to put off sorting this out because you have an appointment booked. Depression doesn't wait for appointments.

Not sure where in Cork you're based but I think there's a residential place in Mallow (could be wrong). But your GP is really the best person to talk to.

The very best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hope I am not giving too much away but I was in that place in Mallow once a few years ago (I only stayed 10 minutes). The people in there were really messed up, it made me really depressed. I'm not looking down on people like that by the way;I'm fairly messed up myself.
I don't want to accept I am like that.

changeling

You really need to start looking to yourself to change your thought pattern.
CBT is just a way of doing this. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is completely based on changing how you think. Here is a brilliant start for you, this link practically saved my life and you can listen to it with headphones while lying down before you go to sleep , please please do yourself a favour and try it
<mod snip: posting youtube or vids can result in a ban>


God bless

Roisy7

pat_33 wrote: »

Hope I am not giving too much away but I was in that place in Mallow once a few years ago (I only stayed 10 minutes). The people in there were really messed up, it made me really depressed. I'm not looking down on people like that by the way;I'm fairly messed up myself.
I don't want to accept I am like that.

I didn't realise the place in Mallow was that acute. But you do need help to get through this.... I still think you should go to your GP....

RossFixxxed

Listen OP you need to stop focusing on the negatives here for a minute. You'll find a million excuses to not go somewhere for help, but they will all leave you in the same boat as you are now.

Your current situation is not working and you need to do something. I just want to grab you and shake you by the shoulders and yell GO TO THE DOCTOR!! It doesn't matter if everyone in a place has 23 heads and the worst depression / problems you've ever seen, they are there for help like you. If anything it's good your not that bad, but it doesn't mean your problem gets any better. Context and contrast are good but they are holding you back here. You need help and you will benefit from it. You need to realise the depression is what is holding you back and finding excuses and leaving you 'messed up' in your own words.

Trust me, and the others here, we have been there. We have walked through our own hell and we have made many mistakes on the way out of there. We want to point you in the right direction and we want to help. More than anything, we want to see you on the road to recovery smiling and lauhing at how much better you feel.

We care man, we really do and you have to believe at least one of us, there is help, you can and will get better, you can beat this. I firmly believe in you and in the help that is out there. It is NOT EASY but my god it is worth it. You will not know yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks to RossFixxxed for his kind words. I have recovered a little but I will go to my doctor asap.

RossFixxxed

pat_33 wrote: »

Thanks to RossFixxxed for his kind words. I have recovered a little but I will go to my doctor asap.

Glad to hear it! Sometimes you do need to shake yourself and realise this illness isn't you. Beneath it is a brilliant person who is in a bad place. It's an incredibly difficult and brave thing to admit to a problem and seek help. It's fantastic you will do it. I'm really happy for you and I look forward to seeing you again along the road to recovery!

I'm far from an expert, I just have my own experiences, but IF I can help at all please do let me know!