Afraid of attraction

LegacyUser

Dear boardsies, I am looking for some insight into a pervasive problem of mine.

I am a 22yr female old uni grad to give some perspective. Basically when it comes to the opposite sex, I've been having issues for a long time. I can only be friends with a guy if I find them in no way attractive. Until I hit my twenties whenever I met a guy who was attractive, I used to instantly write him off in my mind and find some problem to make them unattractive, 'oh he dresses like an a$$ therefore he must be one' or 'I don't have enough to offer a guy like that'. Its only after growing up a bit that I've realised this was just a self defence mechanism to combat my massively low self-esteem and poor/negative self image. I would rarely let myself find a man attractive and when I did, I would obsess and put him on a pedestal. When I was consequentially rejected, I would feel crushed as I had envisioned him as the perfect man.

Over the last year and especially this year I've been consciously trying to change my whole world view and kick my negative thinking and depression to the curb. I've become better at making friends with men and had my first bf two years ago.
It was a positive relationship that ended due to me leaving to study abroad for a year in France. I was happy to finally lose my virginity to a guy I really liked. However our sex life was abysmal and this has stuck with me and brought up old fears of inadequacy. My bf was never interested in trying anything except missionary and every time I tried something new or whatever he rejected the idea and I felt rejected in turn. I never got anything out of sex as it usually only lasted 1 min and just felt like it was my fault really. I've really lost any interest in sex since

I've had a few ONS and flings with men but they've all made me feel worse. I'm terrified of finally being in a good place mentally where I can get into a good relationship only to fail in the sexual side of things. There is a guy I am interested in at work and I think the feeling is mutual but I'm so scared of actually getting into a relationship only to have to fake the sexual side of things again. Once again I find myself making negative assumptions just to try and quash the butterflies I have for him and I'm confused a to if I'm even interested in him at all anymore! I've starting self sabotaging again I think.

I come from a very dysfunctional background, father was an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic and my mother was in and out of mental hospitals for most of my life. I've been to counselling and feel like I've dealt with that side of things so I had hoped I would be able to pursue an adult relationship at last!

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach men better or how to deal with the scary sexual side of things?
I want to enjoy sex but I feel like I've turned off that side of me and don't know how to get back into feeling feelings!

Any advice or thoughts are really really appreciated

Lionel Messy

There's nothing wrong with switching off sexually. You just have to find the right person. That's actually an attractive feat, plus you have the education to boot, again, very attractive. It shows you have some class. My advice is, don't try too hard. I'm no genious but I know this advice is sensible.

Roisy7

Insecure_OP? wrote: »

Dear boardsies, I am looking for some insight into a pervasive problem of mine.

I am a 22yr female old uni grad to give some perspective. Basically when it comes to the opposite sex, I've been having issues for a long time. I can only be friends with a guy if I find them in no way attractive. Until I hit my twenties whenever I met a guy who was attractive, I used to instantly write him off in my mind and find some problem to make them unattractive, 'oh he dresses like an a$$ therefore he must be one' or 'I don't have enough to offer a guy like that'.

Its only after growing up a bit that I've realised this was just a self defence mechanism to combat my massively low self-esteem and poor/negative self image. I would rarely let myself find a man attractive and when I did, I would obsess and put him on a pedestal. When I was consequentially rejected, I would feel crushed as I had envisioned him as the perfect man.

It sounds like to me you have a fear of sex, a fear of rejection. Because you see yourself an unattractive and unworthy, you push away men that are attractive, because you feel you are not good enough for them. You know yourself that this a self-esteem thing. Be kind to yourself. Why wouldn't you get a good looking guy? There are actually very few people in the world that are actually ugly, and I bet you're not! The putting guys on pedestals as well, I think that comes from an unfamiliarility with guys. I used to do that as well, wasn't til I got to college and realised that guys were human that it stopped.
I'm glad you're addressing this, it isn't a quick process so be patient.

Insecure_OP? wrote: »

It was a positive relationship that ended due to me leaving to study abroad for a year in France. I was happy to finally lose my virginity to a guy I really liked. However our sex life was abysmal and this has stuck with me and brought up old fears of inadequacy. My bf was never interested in trying anything except missionary and every time I tried something new or whatever he rejected the idea and I felt rejected in turn. I never got anything out of sex as it usually only lasted 1 min and just felt like it was my fault really. I've really lost any interest in sex since

I've had a few ONS and flings with men but they've all made me feel worse. I'm terrified of finally being in a good place mentally where I can get into a good relationship only to fail in the sexual side of things. There is a guy I am interested in at work and I think the feeling is mutual but I'm so scared of actually getting into a relationship only to have to fake the sexual side of things again. Once again I find myself making negative assumptions just to try and quash the butterflies I have for him and I'm confused a to if I'm even interested in him at all anymore! I've starting self sabotaging again I think.

I don't think that relationship was positive. There sounds like there was a severe lack of communication and that the guy had reservations about the sexual side of things? Others may disagree with me but I think sex is very important in a relationship, because sexual problems can poison the rest of the relationship.

Sexual rejection can be devastating for both men and women because it cuts to the core of a person. You probably never felt less desirable than you did in that relationship, because the guy was wham-bam-thank you ma'am. He sounds very selfish, completely unconcerned with your pleasure. You're better off without a guy like that, he's probably doing his one-minute-man act with some poor other girl.

ONS don't suit some people. For women, I think it's all about how we approach it. For example, a woman bringing a guy home and knowing they'll have sex and that is it, there will be no relationship, some women can handle that. And some can't. There's no need to force yourself into one nighters if you don't like them. Sometimes the sex can be great, unhibited etc, sometimes it's awful. So I think for you, a proper, decent, loving boyfriend would be ideal. Someone to help you regain your sexual confidence. Only you know if that guy you like is one of those (the only thing that worries me is that ye work together!)

Insecure_OP? wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach men better or how to deal with the scary sexual side of things?
I want to enjoy sex but I feel like I've turned off that side of me and don't know how to get back into feeling feelings!

Any advice or thoughts are really really appreciated

OK. I don't know how delicately I can put this, but get to know yourself. Sure you might feel dirty and silly at first but you need to get to know your body and what you like. Read some erotic fiction, watch a movie, think about Ryan Reynolds, embrace your sexuality and enjoy!