Dublin Love Story (poem)

Dave!

Hey guys,

Just wrote this poem. It's following on from an exercise which I started in my creative writing class I haven't done very much writing, so go easy! But I'd appreciate any constructive feedback. Thanks!

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Dublin Love Story

Her weightless figure floated through
The lookers-on and passers-by,
Her crimson lips and auburn hair
Were all it took to catch the eye.

The gentle breeze caressed her skin
As Summer Sun shone warmly on
The revellers on George’s Street
Who shuffled, mingled, trundled on.

Her navy dress (with polka dots),
Her subtle smile and light skin tone,
Would never fail to draw a glance,
And second glance, from men unknown.

But when he saw her bright green eyes,
Immaculate, he had to try
To wander ever closer to
This beauty under Dublin sky.

He pictured walking hand in hand
Through Stephen’s Green and Grafton Street.
A mournful hug, a gentle kiss:
His love remaining incomplete,

Unrequited, unreturned.
Regretful of a love forlorn,
He dried a tear and turned his back,
And left the other men to mourn.

A poppy bruise adorned her head
As there she lay in her final bed.

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I'm not sure about the last line, but couldn't think of a better one to go into the couplets!

Was the "twist" obvious from the start, or no? Was kinda hoping it would be ambiguous enough until the end.

Cheers

pickarooney

The twist is obvious from the first line, yes.

Dave!

Okay. Will have to change that. If the first line isn't there (I can see why that would put the idea in your head from the outset), maybe it wouldn't be so obvious?

Any other thoughts?

jonbravo

I like this poem, I read it, put it down and made a cup of tea...al the while thinking of how to say "This character in the poem seems a little gay from verse two"

I didn't get the geoge street thing but I had known its dublin, sunny, lots of people...but that's all I take from it..other then a girl with red hair and a hole that woddles along (forgive my french).
6/10.

Dave!

Thanks

Anyone else?

SueBoom

I think that's quite nice, especially considering you haven't done much writing, as you said.

As for the ambiguity, I also saw that coming from the first line but I'm not sure if everyone would, depending on their level of expectation in regards to a twist.

Dave!

Thanks!

I made a couple of changes to the opening verse... I'm not sure I like them, but they probably conceal the 'twist' a bit.

I can't edit the OP now, so...

Dublin Love Story

Her slender figure floated through
The lookers-on and passers-by,
Her crimson lips and auburn hair
Elicited a plaintive sigh.

The gentle breeze caressed her skin
As Summer sun shone warmly on
The revellers on George’s Street
Who shuffled, mingled, trundled on.

Her navy dress (with polka dots),
Her subtle smile and light skin tone,
Would never fail to draw a glance,
And second glance, from men unknown.

But when he saw her bright green eyes,
Immaculate, he had to try
To wander ever closer to
This beauty under Dublin sky.

He pictured walking hand in hand
Through Stephen’s Green and Grafton Street.
A mournful hug, a gentle kiss:
His love remaining incomplete,

Unrequited, unreturned.
Regretful of a love forlorn,
He dried a tear and turned his back,
And left the others there to mourn.

A poppy bruise adorned her head
As there she lay in her final bed.