Bf's Ex had his Baby

IMsOgr8

Hi im looking for a bit of advice or maybe to hear of other peoples experiences on this matter.

The story is. I have been seeing this guy that I like for about 6 weeks now. He told me from the beginning that his ex of two months was pregnant with his baby. They broke up early last year. She lives about an hour away and has a child from a previous relationship. He told me he didn't understand why she broke up with him.
She didn't have any contact with him during the pregnancy, wouldn't reply to his messages and wasn't in when he called on her. I asked would he ever go back to his ex and he said he wouldn't as to much has happened.

She has since had the baby about 2 weeks ago and he's only just found out he was quite upset. He called over there and left a note as she wasn't in. Now her mother has contacted him with pictures and promises to see the baby. I don't know this girl and what she's like at all.

I understand this baby is now going to be his top priority and as I already have a child I know what this entails. I won't stand in his way. A new baby requires alot of work but on the other hand I don't know what the arrangements will be regarding visitation. I'm worried he's going to end up going back to his ex at some point or pushing me out. Im not sure what to do as this is a relationship that is still fairly new and it has a lot of potential.

Do I let go now before it gets too complicated and let him concentrate on being a dad? Or do I carry on and see where it goes?

Meller

I would give it a chance. It is difficult, as he will be juggling both a new relationship and a new baby, but as you have a child yourself, you may find it easier to understand his situation and be patient with him.

It doesn't sound like he'll be going back to his ex - sounds like a very bad situation to recover from with regards to her.

I'd just give it some time - if you're willing to take a step back and let the relationship develop slowly (as he'll be busy, I'm sure), I don't see why it can't work out. He'll appreciate the support, I'm sure. With a bit of time you'll have a better idea of where you stand. But if, at the moment, you feel like it has potential, just stick it out. Just don't get in too deep too quickly, and continue being cautious.

December2012

Take your time because its only a new relationship.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'd ask him if he feels like he needs time to solely concentrate on his baby. He may well need your support and advice, so make sure you explain that you will do what he feels is best, within reason, in this situation. It will either be the making or the breaking of you imo.

IrishEyes19

It really boils down to what you can accept. Not tolerate. Accept. He has to be a dad. If he chooses and agrees with this ex for visitation and rights, that baby and that ex will always be a part of his life. They may not be a family in the proper sense of the way, but they are a family.

If you choose to stay with him, I think you should be supportive of the ex as well as your partner. Now that may sound daft, but the quickest way to drive him back to her is by making her the number one enemy. At the end of the day she is another woman who now has a baby and up till now probably wasn't sure if the dad would be involved.

If you choose not to stay with him, be open and honest about why. You need to hear him say. I dont love her. I want to be with you. Dont listen to, "she broke up with me. She ended it. I dont know how I feel."

Its not good enough and not concrete enough. think carefully. This is a situation that you have to be happy about, not willing to compromise on. It simply wont work otherwise. best of luck

witchqueen

It doesn't sound like the ex wants him in her life at all. She broke up, never gave him any updates on the pregnancy let alone told him the baby was born. It's her mother who's trying to make contact. I wouldn't worry that he's getting back with the ex, she clearly doesn't want him. Be supportive, be there for him whenever he needs you, I guess he's going to have a tough time if he wants to see the baby.

IMsOgr8

Thank you to everyone who posted. I agree with you all. I am going to stick it out for now and see how it goes. I will support him with whatever he needs. I am glad that I am going into this with my eyes wide open. Most of the worries I have are my own making he's not given me any reason to doubt this relationship. He has assured me he never wants to be with her again and I'm happy with that. I'm definitely not going to keep going on about it. I think there may be things that I won't be able to handle but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. Here's hoping it goes well and if not call it a learning curve.

CaraMay

I think you should let it go.... It's only 6 weeks and its awfully complicated. You already have what seem like issues with his ex and at this time, for that baby, the most important thing is that the parents develop a civilized relationship. If you have issues with the situation, that tension is going to filter into the relationship with the ex which is not fair on the baby. On top if that, it's already stressing you. Too much grief.

IMsOgr8

You make valid points CaraMay it is early the issues I have were of my own making. I won't come between him and his baby and will encourage his relationship with it. With regards to the parents relationship I guess there will always be that worry that things will change from concern for the child to feelings for one another. The tension has dissipated somewhat since he put me right. He was only with his ex for 2 months and they only saw each other 8 times or so.

He has arranged with the grandmother to meet his child this Saturday and I will be leaving shortly to go on holiday for a week. I will give him the space he needs and will wait and see how things go from this weekend as this is when it will all be starting. I have no plans to get in the way. If it doesn't work out for us it doesn't I'm fully aware of the situation and have held back largely on the feelings side. Not to a careless extent but enough to let go if I need to.