How do i begin to talk to my partner?

andthen

To start off, my partner and i have been together 3 years and we have 2 kids.

Our sex life has slowly gotten less and less frequent as time has gone by. I thought it was something to do with me, she says it wasnt. Her reasons are that shes tired and often complains of feeling sick or head aches/back aches before bed (i dont know if thats coincidental). Iv dropped all the hints under the sun, compliments, gotten close to her, tried the sensual massage only for her to fall asleep once or twice. Thinking about it now iv never really gotten encouragement/reciprocation (not sure what words you would use) when trying to initiate sex.
Leading up to our first it was frequent, during her pregnancy pretty spars (understandable) after our first she said she wasnt comfortable with her weight gain but never really tried to change it, i didnt mind it and tried to convince her of that to no avail, it was maybe once or twice a month after that.
When we talked about having our second we started to have a bit of fun again, in the lead up to her getting pregnant it got to twice a week for the month or so then she did a test. As soon as she found out it totaly stopped except when we did it once three weeks later, after that nothing.

She says she does get the feeling of being turned on but her body doesnt react However, and this is the bit that disappoints me, i know where she keeps a vibrator, but she doesnt know i know. I have recently noticed that she has used said vibrator.

So now im gutted and i dont know how to talk to her about it.
id like to tell her
1. how disappointed i am when she puts off intercourse between us regularly
2. makes me feel awkward when trying to initiate it all the time with little reaction as i feel like im pressuring her
3. embarrassed that her body obviously does react enough to use a vibrator but i dont do it for her.
4. im confused as the times we have had sex she seemed to enjoy it a fair bit


On the other hand I dont want to talk to her about it because first thing out of her mouth will be "what were you doing going through my stuff to find it" and the honest answer is i saw her put it there when we moved into our house, and decided to check because of how our sex life has descended.

So, any advice on how to start talking about it or even what to do?
By the way iv often suggested incorporating "a toy" but she puts off the idea saying "we dont need one your good enough" :rolleyes:

RossFixxxed

Could you just say what you said in your post here? Make it clear you're not appropriating blame, just this is how you are feeling?

andthen

Yeah but what do i do if she starts on about how i invaded her privacy etc?

Do i really come out and say "hey look, i know your using your pleasing yourself and making excuses when it comes to our physical relationship"

I dont want to be confrontational and im worried about not having the right words to explain whats going on in my head. If you think my first post sums it up, ill roll with that.

RossFixxxed

Maybe don't mention it first, you could ask if she is pleasing herself without you.... She could be doing it to see if somthing is wrong, why she isn't responding to arousal.

iusedtoknow

andthen wrote: »

To start off, my partner and i have been together 3 years and we have 2 kids.

This was the stand out thing for me (i read the whole thing). But 2 kids in 3 years can play havoc with women's hormones and bodies (not to mention if she is back on the pill or suffering from PND)

It may take some time for her body and mind to get back out of "mammy" mode and back into being a partner as well as a parent.

I agree though that you need to start a dialogue with her about this as you don't want things like this to fester. I think you should bring up everything you've put down in the post, and agree about not mentioning the "toy" for now. Let's face it, men do it, women do it and both are able to maintain a "real" sex life with them in the equation.

andthen

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Let's face it, men do it, women do it and both are able to maintain a "real" sex life with them in the equation.

I agree, what has my self confidence kicked is the fact that she obviously does get turned on yet tells me she doesnt.

from my point of view our lack of bedroom time is less likely to be about PND/Hormones/mammy mode/back on the pill (she isnt on the pill) if she can please herself but make excuses when it comes to us.

i suppose the only thing i can do is get her side of things.

RossFixxxed wrote: »

She could be doing it to see if somthing is wrong, why she isn't responding to arousal.

Good point, but the coincidental timing of it puts me off because on our second she was pregnant for 9 weeks and nothing was wrong with our sex life until she found out.

Cupcake_Crisis

Out of curiosity, did you go looking for the vibrator, or did you just stumble across it?

Having never been pregnant/ had a child myself I can't really comment on that side of things. But what I will say is that some women can just go through phases where the prospect of sex is completely dis-interesting to them. I've been there myself and have had to explain to partners that I just am not in the mood and he will not be able to change that. It's not his fault, and no indication on his sexual ability. It's a funk only a woman can shake herself out of.

With 2 kids in such a short space of time her body is hardly going to feel like a temple. And she'll most likely be exhausted and worn out by the end of the day. I do feel for you op, because it sounds like you genuinely miss the intimacy you used to have. Have you thought about maybe whisking her away on a child free holiday for a few days?

andthen

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Out of curiosity, did you go looking for the vibrator, or did you just stumble across it?

Having never been pregnant/ had a child myself I can't really comment on that side of things. But what I will say is that some women can just go through phases where the prospect of sex is completely dis-interesting to them. I've been there myself and have had to explain to partners that I just am not in the mood and he will not be able to change that. It's not his fault, and no indication on his sexual ability. It's a funk only a woman can shake herself out of.

With 2 kids in such a short space of time her body is hardly going to feel like a temple. And she'll most likely be exhausted and worn out by the end of the day. I do feel for you op, because it sounds like you genuinely miss the intimacy you used to have. Have you thought about maybe whisking her away on a child free holiday for a few days?

I knew where it was because i inadvertently saw her rush it to the hidding place while we were unpacking boxes when we moved in.

I understand that after 2 kids shes not exactly going to feel sexy but i figure after 3 years body image would have a little less of an impact on our relationship. I also understand that women can have there moments when they are tired, and they do have aches and pains but every night? before we go to bed? im starting to pick it up as kind of a little hint at this stage as there doesnt seem to be a phase.

We have been away as much as money allows, I would bring her away again but at the same time i dont want get into "occasion sex" like valentines day and birthdays etc. I feel its predictable and is a big turn off for me as i get pressured because its kind of expected (not sure if thats the right explanation), but if thats the road that does it for her im all for it.

Its not like we have wham bam over in 10 minutes without a warm up intercourse. I spend time and put my imagination into foreplay aswell.


Thanks for the replies so far

Merkin

I would take the vibrator out of the equation for now.People with really regular and active sex lives still masturbate so I don't think her using it has as much to do with the issue as you think it has. I wouldn't bother mentioning it as it will detract from the fundamental issue at hand, that you and your wife have no sex life.You need to be having that chat outside the bedroom and work on ways together how you're going to rectify it rather than go on the offensive about her dildo, her being furious and then having a needless row over a small issue that isn't really related to the main problem.....

Jack B. Badd

andthen wrote: »

from my point of view our lack of bedroom time is less likely to be about PND/Hormones/mammy mode/back on the pill (she isnt on the pill) if she can please herself but make excuses when it comes to us.

I agree that you should take the vibrator out of the equation for the time being at least. Masturbation is not sex. To put it bluntly, sex takes a fair amount of effort, with 2 people to sync & satisfy if you're exhausted (I can't comment on the kid thing but I imagine she is exhausted) whereas masturbation is a quick and effective fix when all you want is an orgasm.

I think the main issue here is lack of proper communication on the matter. You can discuss that your sex life has gone stale in your opinion without being confrontational about it. The key is investigating why you two are out of sync at the moment. Do not refer to the issue as "her problem", whatever you do. Maybe it's the kids, maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want all the rigamarole of sensual massage, etc. Maybe she'd be perfectly happy for a quick wham bam if she knows that's what's on the cards at the start of the night & then she can conk out.

andthen wrote: »

Its not like we have wham bam over in 10 minutes without a warm up intercourse. I spend time and put my imagination into foreplay aswell.

That's great but again foreplay can seem like a lot of effort if you're knackered & just want to come, roll over & fall asleep.