Always being the bigger person?

lazygal

I feel myself and my husband are always the ones compromising or being accommodating when it comes to family events and situations. We make plans, then suddenly the time, date or place doesn't suit someone else so arrangements are changed and we have to fall in with this. We've helped out family, financially and practically, in the past, but when we've needed help none has been forthcoming. This has happened with friends too, my husband was great at helping his friends move house, do DIY etc but when we could have done with a hand, no one was offering help.

We made plans with family on a number of different occasions, either in our home or in a restaurant, only to have to accommodate last minute changes because others said they couldn't make it, despite us running the plans by them before we organised anything.

I don't want to get into specifics. It just seems like we're always the ones doing the compromising, falling in with what suits others and never the ones to say 'What about us and what we would like or what suits our family'. People seem to see us as flexible, or a pushover more likely, but any time we've been a bit stubborn and said no or we'll see, we're subject to a lot of pressure to just go along with what's been organised, even though others seem to be able to suit themselves.

shinikins

So stop. Stop compromising, stop accommodating and stop bending over backwards for them!! If they see you as a pushover and a doormat, it's only because you've allowed them to see you that way. You don't have to be nasty about it, just say "no" when they ask for something!

Lorna123

I have just come to the conclusion that life is like that for everyone. I always feel that I am the one who initiates everything and nobody else wants to make the first move. People let me down constantly but I have just got to accept it if I want to associate with them. Nobody caters to me. This is how I see it and it seems like this is how you see it too !!! It just seems that everyone has their own agenda and nobody fits in with us perfectly. We just have to compromise the whole time to get on with it. Sorry I don't have the perfect answer.

username123

lazygal wrote: »

People seem to see us as flexible, or a pushover more likely, but any time we've been a bit stubborn and said no or we'll see, we're subject to a lot of pressure to just go along with what's been organised, even though others seem to be able to suit themselves.

The reason for this is that people know you will give in and compromise. They know that they can hassle others til the cows come home and they wont budge so they hassle you instead. Its also a bit of a power struggle, if you really held fast and didnt compromise, someone else might be forced to - and people dont like change in the status quo.

You have to do whatever makes you happy. If its ok that you guys compromise and you feel fine about it and it doesnt put you out - then no problem. But if its getting in on you and causing resentment - then just stop doing it and dont bend when the pressure comes on.

I remember helping a friends husband out with his laptop before, I spent around a week of evenings working on it and gave it back to him working perfectly. A few months later I asked him would he help snag my new apartment (he was an engineer) and he said no. I was really disgusted that Id bothered helping him out with my professional skills and he wouldnt return the favour. Needless to say, next time his laptop had a problem I declined to assist.

If I were you Id stop being so accommodating.

LegacyUser

Was just discussing it with my sis the other week.

Thinking about it now, those who respect us more are less likely to let us down and are less likely to ask us to alter our plans to suit them.

I'm just thinking about a recent birthday I had. My good friends all turned up and I was grateful to them for it. I would in turn do the same for them.

Two friends in the group texted me to say they weren't going to be able to make it - they are the same guys who had stag parties abroad, weddings where everyone has to travel and the type who'll decide to go somewhere I would never go to (a bar or restaurant) yet when I choose a venue, they just won't go there and will decide last minute to go somewhere else and leave me hanging.

I compromise only for certain people now. Actually, it isn't compromising when a friend asks me to go somewhere as I want to go there with them. I'll happily change plans for a good friend.

Start looking our for yourself more and by doing so you won't be suiting other people

lazygal

Thanks all. I think the main problem is my husband's desire to keep the peace. He'll agree to meet people in place that suits them rather than meeting half way so we don't have to travel all the way. He'll make excuse for his family, saying that 'ah so and so is always late, they'll be here eventually', when we're waiting for someone to arrive. I've started being less of a pushover with my family and its working, there were some hiccups and still are but I wish my husband would say no or tell people what would suit us instead of agreeing to things that are clearly going to suit others in terms of time or place than suggesting we do something that suits us a bit better.

maryk123

I have to admit to being like this in my younger years and since I have married and had kids I have opened my eyes to others. I used to get up early and change plans to suit others. Basically a pleaser but found that no one else wanted to please if that is he right word. So I stopped meeting some people who practically drain the life out of me and I am a much happier person. To the extent that I have "lost" contact and pulled back from some people. I always had to meet them and travel to meet them. The same with relations my aunts were very pass remarkable so I just withdrew from them and now I am a stage I don't care if something suits I will do it and if it doesn't I won't. This actually annoys them more than me. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't hurt someone's feelings either but sometimes you have to make a stand but it can be done in a nice way.

Thoie

The phrase that's coming to mind is "Pick your battles". Granny's 90th birthday is not the time to start laying down the law

Keep some flexibility, but if plans have been made for Friday at 8, and someone suddenly pops up and asks to move it to Saturday at 7, just say "Sorry, that doesn't suit, Friday's our only available time". Don't lie, don't make excuses and start describing what else you're doing on Saturday, just stick with the original plan, and if they can't make it, shrug and cancel. If they start giving you the third degree, just laugh and say "A guard wouldn't ask me that!" and ignore the question.

Big Bag of Chips

Learn to say 'that doesn't suit us'. If you don't mind changing plans to accommodate something then it would be silly to dig your heels in on a point of principle.

But if, like you say, you are putting yourselves under pressure just ti make something slightly easier for someone else, learn to say no!

If it means you, or they, miss out on the odd occassion so be it.

Monkey Allen

You need to explain to your husband that you need to be his priority and he needs to be yours. Everyone else (bar kids) come after that. If you want to do something with people but they don't like the plans and make excuses, do them anyway. If they want you to compromise, tell them you can't. If they drill you for an excuse, explain that you would prefer to do it your way. Family may get offended but will soon realise that they need you around and will accept this new confident you.

Don't expect anything from people and you won't be disappointed. Easier said than done but it will reduce the stress in your life.