Still not over it?

LegacyUser

I have just had a conversation with my friends about why I wasn't embracing the single life.

I broke up with my boyfriend about 9months ago and haven't been dating since. They were jokingly telling me to cop on and get out there - getting back on the horse so to speak.

Now I haven't been moping and it was my decision to break up in the first place. But I have realised that I don't want another boyfriend. I don't want to go out and sleep with guys for the "fun of it". I want my ex but I want the man who he was when we met first not who he's become now.

Now that I have written it down it seems like I am being really stupid but if I had to list the qualities I want in a partner it's him. But before it all went horribly wrong. There's no going back now, he's moved on.

I don't know what to think but am so confused. I do want a partner in my life but no one compares to how he used to be and to how good it was for the first few months.

I'm so confused and don't know what to think right now. I have been asked out but have never wanted to go on a date with them. Am I being unreasonable/stubborn/stupid?

Any advice or people in this postion before?

SweetJeebus

You're not being stupid.
It's only being 9 months, I don't know how long you were with him, but I don't think that it's that long a time to be single.
It could be good for you to stay single for a while, to be happy on your own? Although dwelling on your past with him might not be so healthy. Maybe you just haven't met anyone you actually like yet, and it mightn't have a whole lot to do with your ex?
I have friends that get into a serious relationship the week after breaking up with their ex, and others who have never even bothered having a serious relationship.
I'm not sure what my advice was? Oops

Ah_Yeah

Everyone is different, and equally it takes people different amounts of time to get over a relationship. Realistically, 9 months is really not that long. It took me almost 2 years to get over my last relationship, mainly because I was holding onto the person he was when we first started going out.

The sooner you accept that he is not the person you fell in love with, and that getting back together with him means you are dating a new person, the sooner you will allow yourself to let go.

Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Do all the things you wanted to do, but never did when you were with him because you let it fall to the wayside, or because he didn't like it. I dyed my hair the colour I always wanted, but my ex hated, and started wearing all the clothes I loved, but he didn't like. I have a completely new image that I love, I didn't do it to make a statement, I did it because it made me feel good about myself!

Being single is not about not having a boyfriend. It is all about time for you, doing things you love, taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first.

And above all, do not start dating because you think you should, or because your friends tell you that you should. Dating is fun, and should be treated as such. If you're not ready or feel apprehensive, then don't do it. Only do it when you're ready. You will get through this, go easy on yourself

Goldenlady

OP dont be too hard on yourself.Im in the exact same situation as you, but only 4 months down the line.I have absolutely no interest at all. Ive decided this entire year will be "all about me!" I am going to do all the things I wanted to do. I am certainly not looking for anything now and cant see myself with someone for a long time.
Everyone is different. Every single one of my friends are now married, and some have said the "get back on the horse", but i just find it annoying. You will know when the time is right, or when the person is right. Just concentrate on yourself and not the length of time. you are obviously not over your ex yet. Just be patient and dont allow any other people comments get to you. You will know what to do and when to do it.
You are prob like me and the thoughts of even being with someone else is scary, you believe they wont understand you like your ex did, they wont make you laugh like he did and there is no way ye will just have that connection.... Im sure all this will happen again, but when its right for you. Keep the chin up xx

MissDucky

Goldenlady wrote: »

You are prob like me and the thoughts of even being with someone else is scary, you believe they wont understand you like your ex did, they wont make you laugh like he did and there is no way ye will just have that connection.... Im sure all this will happen again, but when its right for you. Keep the chin up xx

Wow!! I was genuinely beginning to think I was the only person that thought that! I'm just over 5 months out of a long term relationship and although I'm only in my early 20s there's somedays I think I'm never gonna find anyone like my ex again although we did have so many ups and downs I find myself remembering all the ups and find it impossible to see myself clicking with someone else like that again! I find that although I'm over him I'm just not attracted or even interested in anyone else.. I suppose it'll happen with time!! Fingers crossed!! Thank you goldenlady.. It's nice to hear that maybe I won't end up a crazy cat lady in years to come lol xx

I'm sorry i don't have any advice to offer you op just want to let you know your not alone.. Look after yourself chicken it can be a lonely little world sometimes when your feeling like this just know that it will pass and well surely find our knight in shining armour maybe not soon but someday xxx

ash23

I was single for 4 years after my last relationship ended. I had a few rebound flings but for the majority of those 4 years, I was single.

I got the "get over it" spiel a lot too. But even though I got over the person quite quickly, I wasn't able to move on from the way the relationship ended quite as easily.

I had to work on myself, my confidence, my friendships. I had to build a life practically from scratch. And I had to get over the anger and hurt of the last relationship.

I was very happy on my own to be honest. And even though I'm with someone now and very happy, I wouldn't hesitate to be single again if it wasn't working. Prior to being single for a long time, the idea of being single scared me so much that I stayed in a relationship that was no good.
So having had those years on my own (and they were great for the most part) that fear of being single is gone and means I won't put up with being in a relationship for the sake of it.

You probably have your own lessons to learn and hurdles to jump and it's best to work through it on your own to ensure that the next time you get into a relationship, it's for all the right reasons.

Roisy7

Just to add to the thread, you're not alone.

Took me a ridiculously long time to get over my first boyfriend, a lot longer than 9 months! Again, to echo Ash23, it wasn't so much the person, but the way the relationship ended, and the fact that it dredged up alot of issues I didn't even know I had...

Have had a few flings and so on since, but have been pretty much continuously single for five years. Had the friends making the jokes, the get back on the horse comments, but to be honest I needed to be single, had a lot of work to do on myself. Feel a lot better now, but no man is forthcoming! :cool:

Seriously, if you're not ready, you're not ready. Your friends should respect that. Tell them you'd rather have the craic on a night out rather than spend hours shifting some stranger.

Enjoy being singledom for the moment, you'll miss it when it's gone!

Goldenlady

@Miss Ducky - its good to know Im not alone with those feelings either. I try not to think too much about it and its funny as sometimes I could be just washing the dishes or watching telly and a memory from my past relationship comes to my mind and I just try to push it out again. I dont even like cats, so hopefully wont end up just crazy!! xx

I am 4 months out of an 8 year relationship and yes it can be hard,especially as I said my friends are at different life stages (We are early 30's) so I spend a lot of time alone (Doesnt help that I work from home alone and live alone ha ha!) BUT its all about you now....

We are not like a food with a use by date, its so important to make sure you are fully ready for another relationship before entering one - be that 1 week or 2 years after the break up!

Ive always lived by the Motto that you have to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship, and its just so true.

xx

dorkacle

I have been in the same place as you before, I know how you feel.
Its really tough and you feel like you don't want to see anyone else.

It will pass though, however slowly, took me almost a year to just get over my gf of over 5 years, and even now I wouldn't be interested in a serious relationship.

Just concentrate on yourself, and don't worry about him, even now I sometimes think of my gf from time to time, i think i probably always will, but its just a fleeting thought and I don't feel so emotional about it anymore Hopefully that will pass too.

You will move on eventually though

jantheman91

The key to getting over this is time. Unfortunately, none of us have a time machine so we've got to just ride it out until the day those feelings are lost.

I'm out of a 7 month relationship that ended incredibly sour. Although i've to see this girl every day in college (same department, same course) and watch her get on with her life as if i never existed i'm coming to terms with it.

I think a major step in overcoming anything is true acceptance that there is no going back. Looking back to how i felt 2 months ago by comparison to now is frightening. I've come so far in that space of time and the feelings i once had for this girl are not as strong as they once were. Although they are still floating around they are waning with each passing day.

It'll get better no doubt about it. Take each day as it comes and in 10 years time you'll look back at this as a learning experience that happened for whatever reason.

Keep your head up and focus on yourself in the mean time!

beks101

jantheman91 wrote: »

I think a major step in overcoming anything is true acceptance that there is no going back.

This is the absolute truth.

I went through a breakup recently and the "what if" aspect has just made the whole thing a million times more difficult than it should've been.

I just couldn't rid my head of the idea that we'd be together again, that he made a mistake and would "realise" his true feelings and come back to me, that he was taking out past issues on me & really he did love me & there still was a chance yadda yadda

Unfortunately for me I rushed into something new & tried to gloss over all these feelings & it's only now, a few months later after things have gone t1ts up with the new guy, that I'm truly coming to terms with things.

Rushing into something new is counterproductive & won't allow for the necessary healing to be done & perspective to set in on why things didnt work out.

You're going to have to understand & accept the fact that it's over. That you and him will never be anything ever again. It's the absolute damnedest hardest thing in the world to do, when all your hopes & dreams were wrapped up in someone & all of a sudden they're just gone from your life.

And your brain will play tricks on you in order to cope with the trauma of it - tell you that it's a matter of time before he texts or facebooks asking for you back or he hasn't really changed & this is all one big mistake.

But it's not. He's gone, he's not right for you anymore & this, right now, single & trying to figure your life out, is where you're supposed to be.

I wish I had some good advice on truly closing the door on him so you can move on. I'm still struggling with it myself. I suppose focusing on taking care of yourself & being good to yourself & working on your self confidence & self worth will gradually make you truly understand that he was a negative influence on you at the end & you need better than that in order to be happy & fulfilled. You deserve more.

Chin up & just keep on keeping on. Ignore the peer pressure to meet someone & take all of this at your own pace. Being comfortable, confident & happy within yourself is the best asset you can bring to a relationship so use this time to work on yourself as best you can x

den87

OP, I am single 18 months after a 4 year relationship and from time to time wish that I could have my ex back, or at least who she was before. It just takes time and will get easier. Just enjoy being single and do whatever makes you happy.

Its only lately that I've realised that being single isn't so bad, if something comes along then fair enough. Look out for yourself, you can't go back to the way things were, you'll only damage yourself more in the long run if you do.