What to do about my brother?

LegacyUser

This is could be slightly long winded and a bit tedious, so I do apologize.

I'm the youngest in my family, in my late 20s. When I was growing up, my father worked for an international company, which has long since shut down. This meant that he was traveling a lot and not really around much in our lives as children.

My eldest brother, who is 5 years older than me, pretty much raised me then. He taught me how to shave, how to do so many things, introduced me to so many books I hold dearly now, would read (and make up his own) bedtime stories for me, and I pretty much idolized him (and wanted to copy him).

When I was starting secondary school, he had just finished and had been accepted into Trinity - I would go visit him sometimes and it genuinely felt like something amazing, especially coming from the country. When I was finishing secondary school and moving to college, he moved to America to study in San Diego, where he met his now wife. I did go to visit him and stay with him and had such a great holiday over there.

I'm absolutely terrible at maths, so he would often hold Skype meetings with me, going over these and he is pretty much the reason I passed maths at all throughout college.

So, all-in-all, he was a pretty big influence in my life, until recently -

He's changed - about 7 years ago, he moved with his wife to New York, where they married 5 years ago. Things were going well, he was still being my big brother, that guy that raised me, but in the past two or so years, I've noticed the change.

Gone was the understanding and the helpfulness, to be replaced by orders, by snarky remarks, by impatience. I don't know what it is, but I genuinely get the impression that he thinks he's better than everyone else, especially me.

Growing up, my family were always quick to put me down- I think they get it from my father, but that's a thread for another time. This kept happening until recently, when I guess most realized it wasn't being nice at all, or when I stood my grounds.

One night, before Christmas, we went out for a meal (the closest brother to me in age, my sister and her now husband, who married just after Christmas, and my brother and his wife). I was wearing a shirt my father had bought for me a few weeks previously; we were going to see him playing with his band after the meal, so I thought it would be a nice surprise. I was very excited about wearing the new shirt, as I do over silly things like that, and they all knew it. As soon as I took off my jumper, my eldest brother says a really snarky remark, something about it looking like I was going to court or something, and it really hit me - essentially ruining the rest of my night and I didn't take my jumper off once.

Yes, it was a silly remark and shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but it did.

Over the holiday, I started seeing more and more of the person he was becoming - ordering me to do something, when he was fully capable of doing it himself, the impatience, like when I'd want to go make a cup of tea during a boardgame or something - you could actually hear the tutting, the dagger eyes - you could even feel him judging me if I wanted to watch TV. And other things, that I won't get into, because this thread is probably too long already :pac:

When he was leaving with his wife, I could barely even muster a heartfelt goodbye - the guy who basically raised me has become somebody I wouldn't even be friends with.

He has moved to Australia, pretty much just yesterday, and I found it hard to do anything but a post on my sister-in-law's status update on Facebook. Yes, it seemed petty, but after all of that, it's all that I could really manage.

I don't want to not talk to him, but right now it's so hard - so what should I do?

Kevster

Hey, there are some similarities between us, in the sense that I'm also the youngest and am in my late 20s - and also that my eldest brother is around 5 years older than me. Like you, I am also sensitive and take things to heart. So, while something can seem small and be a mere 'slight' remark, it can actually be a 'dagger' remark to me.

Recently, I have thought much about 'family dynamics' and birth order, and I believe that the oldest sibling generally feels like they have to protect other siblings and be the one who gives the family a good name. There are clearly going to be exceptions to this, though, and it is just my observation.

I am just going to hypothesise that your brother feels like he did so much for you and that now you should be the one doing things for him. Over the years, he did seem to help you a lot and perhaps he is just thinking to himself: 'I did all of that for him [ie you], so now he needs to do something for me'. I'm not saying that this way of thinking is correct by him, but it might help you understand why he behaves the wy that he did/does.

Either case, you both have your own lives to live, now and in the future. Keep communication going strictly through your parents for the moment, perhaps.

Good luck
Kevin

daisybelle2008

Brother-Problem wrote: »

remark, something about it looking like I was going to court or something, and it really hit me - essentially ruining the rest of my night and I didn't take my jumper off once.

Yes, it was a silly remark and shouldn't have hurt as much as it did, but it did.

OP, that looks like a very light hearted bit of banter. If it is affecting you so much it ruins your night then your level of sensitivity is going to cause you a lot of heart ache in life and I'd wager it won't just be your family that are 'upsetting' you.
There are two ways of fixing this one is the rest of the world can walk on eggshells around you to accommodate your level of vulnerability and sensitivity
Or two you can lighten up, develop a little thicker skin and start showing more outward appreciation for your lot. Being a positive appreciative person gives off a good vibe.
Your brother has done an awful lot for you, Show him a bit of unconditional love, who knows what pressure he is under. He has had some big moves and stress probably, and is showing signs of it. It is not all about you. I am sure all the cosseting and attention you came to take for granted from your family was nice and happens to the baby, but now it is time to grow up and give a little back without expectation.

woodchuck

OP I think you're being a bit overly sensitive here. If he's acting a bit out of sorts it's probably because he has his own problems and has nothing to do with you. For example living abroad away from all of his friends and family and now another big move to Australia... sounds pretty stressful to me.

Have you tried talking to him at all? Not in terms of his behaviour towards you, but about his life in general. Maybe if you know the kinds of things he's going through atm it might help you understand his behaviour a bit. But having said that, I don't think any of the examples of the behaviour you've mentioned are particularly bad, so you might just need to develop a thicker skin also.

Also there's bound to be a bit of a shift in the dynamics in your relationship now that you're older. You're not a helpless kid or teenager anymore, so he probably expects that you are more able to stand on your own two feet and doesn't have to handle you with 'kid gloves' anymore. I have a younger brother who I've also helped as much as I can, but now that he's in his mid 20s a part of me thinks he should be able to help himself more than he does (but that's a whole other story :P). I'm still happy to help him if he needs it, but I have my own life and my own problems and I can't always prioritise his needs over my own now that we're both adults. Hope I haven't gone too off topic, but just trying to give you an incite into the other side of the coin too if it's helpful.

Queen-Mise

OP - there is something else going on here and it has fcuk all got to do with you.

There is something happening with your brother as you said. Rather than asking us for help or suggestions to help your brother, it is about you. He has been incredible to you, and the first sign of trouble from him you have gone running for the hills.

This is where you step up and be a brother. Keep in contact, talk to his wife, keep in innocuous contact - if he is snarky or behaving like a gobsh*te, say it straight. Stop being xxxxx!!!!!

You have absolutely no idea of what is going on with him. It is time to find out and be his rock for the next few years, if he needs it.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I had a discussion recently with a friend about sibling relationships as I have quiet a few, she had two sisters that she has unsteady relationships with, though we both wished we had better relationships with our siblings.

Anyhow, we concluded because siblings are so familiar with one another, they think they can get away with saying things like 'you look like you are going to court' and it not to hurt, when in fact you need to be more sensitive to your siblings feelings than anyone else, especially if you want to have a good relationship with them and this would apply more to children from dysfunctional families where there has already been a lack of sensitivity to the children's feelings by the parents e.g. absent fathers.

This friend described one scenario where she had worked with her sister in a small office and one day said to her sister 'that her perfume was overpowering' in a funny sort of way, she said to me that 'she was shocked at how hurt the sister was at her comment'.

My husband comes from a very different background to me and it amazes me how well he and his siblings get on. They would joke etc. like above and nobody would think anything of it.

I may be wrong but your relationship with your brother may need to change, perhaps you treat him like a father and that was fine when you were young, but he is not your father and you are both young men and perhaps you need to start looking at each other as equals, he may not want the burden of being the older brother any more.

Or this could have to do with you and your brother's relationship with your father. Your brother took over his roll, and now after all those absent years, you still care hugely for your father and your brother could be jealous. You may have a close relationship with your father, that he never had and never will have because of the distance. He may have unresolved feelings of hurt from having to step up as a result of your fathers absence. It could be so many things.

But, I think the other posters are right, you should try and be there for him, because if it is as you describe, this snarkyness is coming from some centre of unresolved issues. Good luck OP.

missierex

Hi,

Like a few others have mentioned, I reckon the changes you are seeing in him are simply due to a hectic New York lifestyle (long commutes, stressful job, and family life). His priorities have changed, and unfortunately, that's impacting on the relationship you have with him.

I doubt his opinion of you has changed that radically, especially seeing as you were so close, and he took you under his wing for so many years. He did all that because he loves you. Needless to say that doesn't make this situation, and they way you're feeling any easier. Perhaps you should broach the subject with him? All in all, he sounds like an amazing brother to have and I'm sure he wouldn't knowingly want to upset you or hurt your feelings. Chat about it before this 'rift' grows bigger.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

This is not a Brother-Problem; it is a You-Problem. You are behaving as though you still expect to have the relationship of a young child with an older sibling. You are both adults now, and you still seem to be behaving like a child towards your brother.

Allowing a lighthearted banter comment about a shirt to ruin your night, and quite possibly ruin other family members night if you retreated into yourself, is extremely immature and selfish.

I think you need to grow up, and realise that the world does not revolve around your 'sensitivity', and that others have more going on in their lives than worries about a shirt. You need to stop focusing on your need for approval, and realise that other people have needs too.

Big Bag of Chips

As this is an old thread from 7 months ago, I will lock it. The Charter asks that posters not resurrect old threads.

If the OP comes back and asks a Mod to reopen it, then we will do so.