Does his past matter

honey79

Hi , I have just found out from someone else that myboyfriend of 2 years has been engaged before

When I asked him about this it turns out he’s been engaged to two different people I had askedhim previously if he was ever engaged and he told me no to say I’m devastatedis an understatement I understand he has a past and there is nothing I can doabout this but oh god it hurts like hell

Am I overreacting

CaraMay

You are not overreacting. He told a huge lie. Does he lie about other stuff?

honey79

Not usually but I’m starting to wonder if he’s a better liar than I know if he lied about this what else has he lied about if someone hadn't let it slip would i ever know about this

The Big Red Button

It wouldn't bother me if I was dating someone who had been engaged/married/whatever in the past, so long as I was reasonably sure it was all in the past.

However, I'd be very annoyed if someone lied to me about something like that. Plus, it would indicate to me that there are still feelings/issues there, otherwise why would he feel the need to lie?

honey79

He believes his past is his past and not part of our life
Which part of me understands but not if it affects our future
I am completely open with him about my past and told him never to let someone else tell me something about him that I don’t know

rainbowtrout

It's a pretty big thing to lie about. He is right in saying the past is the past but at the same time, telling someone you were previously engaged and going into the gory details of a past relationship are two completely different things. And in this case he lied about it, maybe you need to discuss the difference between not disclosing the details of past relationships but acknowledging that there were past relationships with him.

CaraMay

Yeah it's the deliberate lie, not the engagement itself which would p me off. I was lied to before about something similar and it was the start of the end of our relationship. I just looked into everything else he said after as I knew he would lie to me (cos he had) and couldn't relax. It's no way to live but if you can get past it then that's a different ball game.

honey79

Hi Rainbow , this is what i tryed to tell me yesterday i don't need all the details but i do need to know of them he can't see why


Hi caramay
i have spent most of the night awake doing this starting to question everything he has told me

trust is everything without it you have nothing

rainbowtrout

honey79 wrote: »

Hi Rainbow , this is what i tryed to tell me yesterday i don't need all the details but i do need to know of them he can't see why


Hi caramay
i have spent most of the night awake doing this starting to question everything he has told me

trust is everything without it you have nothing

It is fair for you to ask for basic information. For instance if you started conversations about him about your future together/engagement/marriage/kids and he was stonewalling you on the issue without giving you a clear answer that would leave you frustrated, where as the issue might be that he's been engaged before and is apprehensive about rushing into engagement again. That may be a real issue for him, but how are you supposed to know that if he won't give you any information?

On the other hand he may be a guy that got engaged because it was the thing to do/ couple were going out X amount of years so it was about time/ external pressures from OH/family but when it came to the crunch he didn't want to marry these women.

Could be that he got engaged at 18 because it was perfect and it was his first love, but not at all realistic and it ended, or he could have been living with his previous girlfriend for 5 years and left her 2 weeks before the wedding. Two very different scenarios.


There are plenty of other reasons of course, but knowing gives you a clearer picture of the type of person you are with.

Gatling

On a slightly strange note you could say he didn't want to scare you off so wasn't up front about been previously engaged twice and that at some stage in the future he may just propose to you

honey79

Thanks everyone think i have a lot of thinking to do and we have a lot of talking to be done

SweetJeebus

I don't think his past matters. The fact that he didn't mention it would annoy/hurt me but probably wouldn't matter in the long run. But him lying to you after you asked him straight out would make me question things. It's a big enough thing to lie about, no matter what his reasons for it were.
Best of luck whatever happens

ABajaninCork

I would be the same. I wouldn't care about the past as long as it was just that - the past. But if after asking, he lied about it, it would be a case of 'That's all, folks'.

If they can lie about that, then what else will they lie about?

As an aside - my husband's a dreadful liar. I can always tell!

December2012

Was he embarrassed?

Humiliated?

Meauldsegosha

His past wouldn't bother me. Him lying about would bother me.

Everybody has a past. Did he really think you weren't going to find out.

kiffer

honey79 wrote: »

Hi , I have just found out from someone else that myboyfriend of 2 years has been engaged before

When I asked him about this it turns out he’s been engaged to two different people I had askedhim previously if he was ever engaged and he told me no to say I’m devastatedis an understatement I understand he has a past and there is nothing I can doabout this but oh god it hurts like hell

Am I overreacting

1. As a guy engagement isn't a big deal to me so I don't think it would bother me at all if a partner had been engaged before... I wouldn't even think to ask.
2. You found out from someone that he was engaged before? Maybe they are wrong? Maybe he was but doesn't think it counted because it's just one of those things you say when you're 16 and stupid...
3. Lies are poison to a relationship... but so are accusations and mistrust... Ask him about it carefully. As always communication is crucial.

ilovesleep

So you asked him in a casual conversation before was he engaged and he lied and said no. Then you find out some time later from some one else that he was engaged and when confronted he admitted that he was not only engaged once but twice.

If it was me in your position my head would be all over the place thinking all sorts and it's understandable that you are upset. I'd be thinking why would he lie about that? What if anything was he trying to hide from you?

There is a man local to me who was doing a very strong line with someone some time ago. Going back years now and if memory serves me correct they were engaged. Eventually before marriage, she made a break away from him and the story goes - he used to beat her and smack her around.

I'm not accusing your boyfriend of smacking around his exes as a possible reason for the break up of his past engagements. Fact goes is that he lied to you and I'd be wondering if he was trying to hide anything from you.

Magicmatilda

In short my opinion would be that his past does not matter, his lies however do. Two engagements is a pretty big thing to lie about? Had he bought rings for them both?

kiffer

ilovesleep wrote: »

I'm not accusing your boyfriend of smacking around his exes as a possible reason for the break up of his past engagements. Fact goes is that he lied to you and I'd be wondering if he was trying to hide anything from you.

... then why bring it up? Maybe he was engaged to physically abusive women and he'd rather just pretend that they didn't exist? We just don't know.

OP talk to him, remain calm and sensible and ask him why he said before that he hadn't been engaged when he actually had.

honey79

ilovesleep wrote: »

So you asked him in a casual conversation before was he engaged and he lied and said no. Then you find out some time later from some one else that he was engaged and when confronted he admitted that he was not only engaged once but twice.

If it was me in your position my head would be all over the place thinking all sorts and it's understandable that you are upset. I'd be thinking why would he lie about that? What if anything was he trying to hide from you?

There is a man local to me who was doing a very strong line with someone some time ago. Going back years now and if memory serves me correct they were engaged. Eventually before marriage, she made a break away from him and the story goes - he used to beat her and smack her around.

I'm not accusing your boyfriend of smacking around his exes as a possible reason for the break up of his past engagements. Fact goes is that he lied to you and I'd be wondering if he was trying to hide anything from you.

I'm doubting everything now and to be honest he has not put in any effort to make me feel better , He's a very gentle man who does not like confrontation so his answer to everything is to stay quiet in hope it all blows over i on the other hand needs to talk about things to try to understand what's going on ,

honey79

Magicmatilda wrote: »

In short my opinion would be that his past does not matter, his lies however do. Two engagements is a pretty big thing to lie about? Had he bought rings for them both?

I'm not sure about this i didn't think to ask
as soon as he said it i thought someone had stabbed me in the heart so all logic went out the window
The engagements stung a bit but nothing i can do about this
but the lies hurt and that's what i have the issue with

honey79

December2012 wrote: »

Was he embarrassed?

Humiliated?

No

CaraMay

So is he explaining at all?

honey79

CaraMay wrote: »

So is he explaining at all?

No he's staying very quiet I am meeting him later today he has a lot of explaining to do and if he can't well that will tell me everything i need to know

CaraMay

Yeah well be prepared for the 'I was scared to tell you in case I would lose you line'... My reply to that was you lost me when you chose to tell me a bare faced lie.

im confused again

Like most people have said so far, it's not the engagements but the lies that is the problem.

Absence of information and poor communications will eat away at you and make the relationship impossible. We all have issues in our relationships and we sometimes need advice from others. I myself had an issue recently, I thrashed it out on a forum on this website and got some really good advice. To be honest in my example I was over reacting about something, I came to realise that my girfriend was being really honest and I was being foolish in my thoughts. My point is that honesty is everything. Because my girlfriend is so honest with me it makes it easier for me to be completely honest with her. In past relationships I was like your boyfriend, quiet, skipping over details, not wanting to discuss my past, immature I know, but I couldn't help it. What also makes it easier for us is that we have similar history. If for example your boyfriend has been engaged twice and you have never been engaged then it will make it harder for him to talk about, he should still have told you but that could be some of the reason why he didn't.

If you guys can figure out a way to feel comfortable being completely open with each other then that will be the best way forward.

You are right, Trust is everything.

dorkacle

When did he lie about it?
I could understand if it was quite early in your relationship as it can be embarrassing and a scary thing to discuss when your only starting to see someone.

If it hasn't come up since then I wouldn't be overly worried, I can't imagine past engagements are a common conversation, particularly between partners.

I do understand you are upset about it and that he lied, but if it never came up again, why bring it up?

Balmed Out

If I was engaged twice before and dumped id probably be very embarassed about it and may in a panic lie if asked.....
Everyones entitled to a history and I dont think you should blow this up too much.