Protection Order Against Ex-Boyfriend

SweetJeebus

Hey everyone,

Where to start. (He is 29 and I am 19). Sorry in advance about the length.
I broke up with my boyfriend just at the end of last year after I realized how controlling and manipulating he was being. He didn't take it well (he hinted at ending his life and pretended to overdose on painkillers) even though it was long overdue.

Forward on 2 months, he still won't leave me alone. He has being sending me a continuous string of messages ranging from abusive name calling - about my mother as well as me, threatening to post pictures of me up online that he claims to have found on my laptop that he still has(I didn't want it back due to the hassle of having to see him again if I did). He even brought my recently passed away father into the one-sided conversation. He showed up at my house on a few different occasions, while texting me repeatedly begging to talk - while calling me every name under the sun. He stayed outside for 2 hours.

So last week my family and friends agreed the best thing to do was go to the Gaurds. The Gaurds went and had a talk with him telling him to leave me along, but it was off the record as I didn't want to get him in trouble no matter how much of an *sshole he was being.

Tonight he has started texting me and ringing me again, threatening to tell people things about me(not sure what I've got hide though!) and post pictures of me around. My friend just contacted me and said he texted her - I don't know what it was that he said(they never got along so I'm guessing it must be bad).

My point is, I've gotten to the stage where I'm starting to become scared of what he will actually do or say. I obviously just want to move on and he won't take no for an answer. I'm getting my number changed in 2 days time, but that won't stop him arriving to my house or contacting my friends.

My question: Would all of the above be enough to go by to get a Protection Order against him? I'm not sure if they work for physical abuse only? And what would it mean as to him contacting my friends and family, and being around me in public places? And would I have to go to court/get a solicitor/etc?

Again apologies for the length!
Thanks for any help

CaraMay

Op. escalate it with the guards. You owe him nothing and this guy is not acting in a normal manner. Your safety has to come first. Do what you need to do.

Furious_George

Go talk to the gardai and make an official complaint. Dont delete any messages you receive from him as u may need them as evidence.

2rkehij30qtza5

OP definately go to the Gardaí again.

Get them to give him an official warning.
I had an issue when I was about 23/24 yrs old with a guy (i wasn't going out with him-he was just a random stalker) and like that he started crazy texting to the point my phone inbox would be totally full and when I'd delete all the messages a tonne of new ones would be queued up to come in.

Then like you he started showing up at my home, more messages, voice calls, letters through my letterbox. It was freaky. I barely knew him (he got my number from
Someone else) and as time went on it got even weirder with regards to the things he did and I showed him no interest (other than requests to leave me alone).

Anyway I eventually moved away, had to change my phone number because of him and I never went to the Gardaí. Big mistake. He hunted me down again a number of years later. I was out one night in a different town and I got a random drink sent over to my table. A while later the text started about how good I looked to my new number, him!!!!! It took me a long while (and another number change) to feel ok again and safe (as he would send me texts indicating he had been watching me etc). I was young, innocent and afraid of calling the Gardaí to deal with this freak.

Your ex sounds like he is a similar type of person. My point above is that these people don't stop...they have it in their heads now to just keep going. He is not normal, his behaviour is off-the-wall. He has ignored your requests to stay away and the gardai's requests. Time to contact them again and get them to give him a warning. At this point you must have exhausted all reasonable attempts to stop him before proceeding down the route of barring order...so you must go through the warning route first. Good luck, not a nice situation to be in.

SweetJeebus

Thanks for the advice guys.
I do know it's what I need to do because it looks like he isn't going to stop. It's really messing with my head at this stage. The only thing that has stopped me going sooner is the fact that I feel sorry for him because clearly he has a lot of problems that are bubbling to the surface. We were together for 3 years so it's not easy. I became really close to his family,they know he has a problem but they won't be expecting this to have gone so far.
Guess I've got to stop making excuses for him (& me!) and just go do it.

Abi

SweetJeebus wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys.
I do know it's what I need to do because it looks like he isn't going to stop. It's really messing with my head at this stage. The only thing that has stopped me going sooner is the fact that I feel sorry for him because clearly he has a lot of problems that are bubbling to the surface. We were together for 3 years so it's not easy. I became really close to his family,they know he has a problem but they won't be expecting this to have gone so far.
Guess I've got to stop making excuses for him (& me!) and just go do it.

Almost everything you said in your original post was done to me by my ex, but there was a violent element to it also. He was a very possessive, obsessive sort when it came to me, not to mention extremely paranoid. If you were to move on and find another guy, it wouldn't surprise me if this gets worse.

I took out a safety order against my ex, and it has come into use several times. He was arrested at my home drunk, having caused damage to my home and my car and was arrested on the spot with the help of my safety order.

If you want serious backing on this, get it done. A protection order is a temporary version of a safety order, which I suggest you look into for the bigger picture. Your ex doesn't have to be physically violent towards you in order to obtain one of these, but putting you in fear in anyway or intimidating you in the way that he is via text would be an arrestable offence if you had a safety or protection order in place.

It might seem heavy handed, but your ex reminds me of my own. Won't take no for an answer, threatening to kill himself, and threats to put details of my private life on line. I have all the texts still on my phone from a few years ago. They all stand to you, so keep them all. Like I said, may look heavy handed, but it's going to take for him to have a brush with the law before he will start to see sense. It's just the way these guys are built, manipulative, obsessive and a sense of ownership over you.

I wish you luck, and please take what I've said into consideration. You can start the process at your local district court office.

Take care of yourself and take no more of his shít x

cantdecide

He was 26 and you were 16 when you started going out? You're still very young now but as time goes on, you'll start to realise what a damning indictment of his character this is. I'm sorry if that sounds judgemental but it proves this guy isn't living in the same world as the rest of us.

Do the right thing and listen to the above advice. Your future self will thank you.

SweetJeebus

No it was almost 3 years and I am almost 20, so I was 17 and he was 27. Not much difference!
But I agree, your judgements are correct! I very very young with no life experience and thought it was my fault for being miserable and that once I did everything the way he wanted, we would work. We had our good times and loved each other, but above all it was a lesson well learnt! Just a pity it had to end so disastrously, because I don't want to regret nearly 3 years of my life with him just because of the way he's behaving now.

Abi

cantdecide wrote: »

He was 26 and you were 16 when you started going out? You're still very young now but as time goes on, you'll start to realise what a damning indictment of his character this is. I'm sorry if that sounds judgemental but it proves this guy isn't living in the same world as the rest of us.

Do the right thing and listen to the above advice. Your future self will thank you.

This bit is very important, I wasted 12 years of my life with someone very controlling and manipulative. If only I could go back in time and tell myself to get away from that bully I would do it in a heart beat. The things he did and said to me were horrific.

I met my ex when I was 16 and he was 19, perhaps not such a large age gap, but I do feel that I was groomed somewhat, and the controlling and manipulation came on so gradually I didn't realise what he was doing. I immaturely took his obsessiveness as love and that he was only just that way because he cared about me. BIG mistake. It evolved into me not believing I could survive without him. My self esteem hit rock bottom with the insults, and attempts to ruin my face with violence.

While there has been no violence here so far, never underestimate a jealous and obsessive kind of person.

If they feel that they're losing control of you, they get more and more unhinged. Like I said above, the only effective way I've had of dealing with him was through the safety order, I'd be lost without it and still gripped by fear of what he'd do next. It's the only way.

Abi

SweetJeebus wrote: »

No it was almost 3 years and I am almost 20, so I was 17 and he was 27. Not much difference!
But I agree, your judgements are correct! I very very young with no life experience and thought it was my fault for being miserable and that once I did everything the way he wanted, we would work. We had our good times and loved each other, but above all it was a lesson well learnt! Just a pity it had to end so disastrously, because I don't want to regret nearly 3 years of my life with him just because of the way he's behaving now.

I don't mean to patronize you or anything, but this could have been much longer and far more painful.

I'm now with a lovely, funny, affectionate man, and I couldn't be happier. He's fought this fight along side me all the way, he's been a rock for me.

There are guys out there that can really love you. I can't say my ex really loved me, I was more of a possession. You don't say or do hurtful things to someone you love. But they break you down till you've no confidence to break up permanently. I regard myself as lucky for getting away after 12 years..

SweetJeebus

Abi wrote: »

I don't mean to patronize you or anything, but this could have been much longer and far more painful.

I'm now with a lovely, funny, affectionate man, and I couldn't be happier. He's fought this fight along side me all the way, he's been a rock for me.

There are guys out there that can really love you. I can't say my ex really loved me, I was more of a possession. You don't say or do hurtful things to someone you love. But they break you down till you've no confidence to break up permanently. I regard myself as lucky for getting away after 12 years..

I do feel lucky. I'm thankful every day since I've left that I had the sense to leave him when I did. Break ups are never easy but he's making this way more difficult for the both of us than it needs to be.Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps prove it to me

blatantrereg

It's plain harrassment. You've made it very clear that you want him to leave you alone and he is persisting anyway. It's illegal. I'd think it's very straightforward from the point of view of the guards, since you're already had them talk to him about it. I'd imagine the guards would now be looking to arrest him. That would be a good thing, not a bad thing, so dont be cowed by the idea if it does come up. In particular, if he comes to your house again and refuses to leave, call the guards right away.

As said, do keep a record of his contact. Make a list with times, dates, and notes on what he says.

Also, block his emails. Some mobile phone providers allow you to block specified phone numbers from calling or texting you too. Dont engage with him at all. I wouldn't let him scare you about threatening to say stuff about you. People are unlikely to believe him from the sounds of things.