Do I say something

Gannicus

One of my best friends has been going out with a girl for the past maybe 3 or 4 years and living together for about 2 years.

In roughly the last year I have noticed that she is speaking for him more and more. She has also become more demanding of his time. For example last year I asked him if he wanted to come on a lads weekend away. Now to be fair the weekend was about 3 weeks before his exams but he's a good mate and I didn't want to leave him out. His girlfriend spoke out over him and said quite insistently "I don't think its a good idea it's too close to your exams" and he left it out. Fast forward about a month from then and I find out that day she had convinced him to spend his bonus on a trip with her to New York for 2 weeks for both of them they were coming back the weekend of our lads weekend away (3 weeks before his exams). I said nothing as I thought he might have been planning it as a surprise for her (not the case she kept moaning at him saying they have not been on holiday at all that year).

About 3 weeks ago similar situation. Myself and the lads are going away the end of July early August before some of them go back to college and I asked him if he wanted to come. She told me "no he couldn't it was too close to him going back to college". When he tried to speak after this she cut him off again and told him "they wouldn't have the cash" (we're only going to Waterford). He sat there and said nothing then or until we got back to their place. He's also been told he can't go on a stag do with the guys this year either. Keep in mind the two of them are working approx €30k a year jobs each have no kids, no car and no mortgage.

These are just a couple of the main things that have come up. She makes him go to prissy dinner parties with her friends, wine and cheese tasting nights. Now if you're into that fine but he's openly told me he hates these kinda get togethers. She even tells him when he's allowed have a few beers. Makes him spend time with her mates but she only spends time with our mates if she wants him to not drink or go home early. He's not the same since he moved in with her. He seems to have a very defeated demeanor.

He's a very passive aggressive kinda guy and a couple of things may happen I if have a few words with him

1. He'll go back to her all full of piss and vinegar and start a row using my name and she would categorically not want to be around me.
2. He'll get really pissy with me but won't voice his problems with me and avoid me.
3. Go running back to her and repeat everything i've said verbatim and she will convince him I'm being an arsehole.
4. It may harm our friendship.
5. He might begin to speak up for himself and have a bit of fun with the lads again.
6. He'll go back to her all full of piss and vinegar and end the relationship (i don't want to be the cause of this)

Should I have a word with him about it or see if he's happy with how things are, or am I overstepping my boundaries by bringing it up at all?

Sorry for the length of this post.

LegacyUser

No, it's none of your business to say something, as far as you know they could be saving money for a wedding for a deposit on a house.

ABajaninCork

I agree. If it goes **** up (which it probably will), just be around to pick up the pieces...

Sorry, but that's all you can do. Never get in man & woman business, as we say in Barbados.

Gannicus

no don't say anything wrote: »

No, it's none of your business to say something, as far as you know they could be saving money for a wedding for a deposit on a house.

I know they're not as he is going back to college next year to study a Phd which means he is still getting an income of approximately the same amount he earns now. She has categorically stated that she will never pay a mortgage because she doesn't want to be tied down to a long term loan.

Based on your argument how was it okay for him to spend MUCH more money on a two week holiday to New York for two as opposed to a weekend down the country with the lads.

See the thing is he keeps saying to me how much he hates going to these prim and proper dinner parties and wine tasting nights because he has to act completely different and when I ask him why he doesn't just say no to going he says he just doesn't want the hassle of a row with her.

gugleguy

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I agree. If it goes **** up (which it probably will), just be around to pick up the pieces...

Sorry, but that's all you can do. Never get in man & woman business, as we say in Barbados.

Don,t be a third wheel in other words

ABajaninCork

Big Steve wrote: »

I know they're not as he is going back to college next year to study a Phd which means he is still getting an income of approximately the same amount he earns now. She has categorically stated that she will never pay a mortgage because she doesn't want to be tied down to a long term loan.

So what?

Based on your argument how was it okay for him to spend MUCH more money on a two week holiday to New York for two as opposed to a weekend down the country with the lads.

How on earth is this your business? What he chooses to spend his money on (whether he has 'help' or not!) is NOTHING to do with you!!

See the thing is he keeps saying to me how much he hates going to these prim and proper dinner parties and wine tasting nights because he has to act completely different and when I ask him why he doesn't just say no to going he says he just doesn't want the hassle of a row with her.

Let him moan. I'm telling you mate, if you stick your oar in now, you won't get any thanks for it. The two of them will come in combination and turn against YOU. He's a grown man, not a child. Let him make up his mind in his OWN time!!

username123

None of your business, stay out of other peoples relationships, if you dont like how your mate is acting towards you tell him, otherwise say nothing.

judgefudge

Seems like you are annoyed that he isn't prioritising these weekends with the lads. Which is fair enough but you are approaching it from the wrong angle. Having a go at his girlfriend and saying she controls him is not going to do you any favours. It's up to him what he spends his money on. And if he is really sitting back and letting her control his life then that's up to him too. For all you know he might have wanted to go to New York rather than go out with the lads. He may be using the controlling girlfriend as a cover for the fact that he wants to different things. I'm not saying that's the case, but it is a possibility.

I would just sit down with your mate and tell him it sucks that he hasn't done anything with the lads in a while. Leave his girlfriend out of it. It's his relationship. The only relationship you have a say in is the one between you and your mate.

bubbaloo

Grow up - its his money to spend how he wants! He earned it and it's none of your business. You have no idea what they might be saving for or what debts they might have.
Sounds to me like you're whining just because your friend got a girlfriend and doesn't spend all his time with the lads anymore! I was very young when I met my husband and a few of my friends acted like this. It ended in a massive argument and I never spoke to them again. That was 16 years ago!
Arguing with him about his relationship with his girlfriend won't end well for you!

LegacyUser

I wouldn't say anything directly unless it directly affects you.

What I do in this type of situation is I relate a story of another friend or maybe a brother who is in the same situation. It's subtle but it gets the point across. It opens up the conversation anyway.

Some guys though like to be whipped. It's not for me but some guys are happy to be bossed around.

Niamho!

Jesus....i'm not gonna be a jump down your throater here and just advise you not to bother your arse inviting him anywhere anymore.

What's the point? If he really hates doing all the things she has him doing, but he's not speaking up to the missus, tough s**t for him. Maybe if you all back off he might grow a pair, but if he doesn't it's his problem.

I can see how frustrating that could be, I've seen it happen before. I wouldn't bother with someone who got like that when they start going out with someone anyway... That's just my Tuppence!!

Gannicus

Hey all,

Thanks for the advice. I thought I'd touch base on it again as last night the same friend approached me and asked me what to do.

He basically asked if he should call it a day with her. He said "I felt like it was easier to just let her have her way than it would be to have an argument and looking back he feels like he's missed out on a part of his life etc. etc."

Based on the advice given to me her I avoided the situation like the plague and told him to talk to his missus that I can't speak for either of them.

ncmc

Big Steve wrote: »

Hey all,

Thanks for the advice. I thought I'd touch base on it again as last night the same friend approached me and asked me what to do.

He basically asked if he should call it a day with her. He said "I felt like it was easier to just let her have her way than it would be to have an argument and looking back he feels like he's missed out on a part of his life etc. etc."

Based on the advice given to me her I avoided the situation like the plague and told him to talk to his missus that I can't speak for either of them.

Good call Steve, as frustrating as it is, it’s a terrible idea to meddle in other peoples relationships. If you had told him that he should break up with her and they ended up staying together, it could have left things awkward between you and your mate.

It sounds like she is a controlling mare and that the relationship may have run it’s course. Just keep your council and be there for him if/when it falls apart.

‘Lest said, soonest mended’ is sound advice I always think!

ABajaninCork

You're learning!

Sounds to me like your mate is looking for 'permission' to jump ship. If he wants to, that's up to him. Keep well out of it now.