Mom with alcohol problem - don't know what to do

mike54321

I'm not sure if I am posting in the right section here so I apologise if I'm not.

Basically, my mother has a big problem with alcohol. She's had this problem for as long as I can remember. There are 5 of us in the family. None of us know quite what to do. Not that it matters but all of the children are in our 20's.

It all came to a head about 4 years ago. My mother was in the hospital cause of an accident she was in. While there the staff obviously noticed she had an issue with alcohol. One night she apparently broke down when she wasn't able to obtain alcohol. She became quite distressed so they sent her to the psyschiatric unit beacuse of her issue.

She spent a few weeks there, seemed to get back to normal, admitted she had a problem and seemed to be dealing with it really well. It was actually a pleasure to be around her. What she didn't realise at the time was she could have checked herself out. After a few weeks my sibling wanted her to come home, Dad was hesitant as he didn't feel she was quite ready. Regardless he caved and brought her home. It wasn't long before she was back to her old ways.

It's a strange situation, she works so from Monday to Friday evening she's fine, easy to get along with and that. But at the weekends she either spends the day in bed or up around the house talking complete nonsense, denying she's been drinking and just generally being a drunk. It's become a nightmare to live with. If we hide the keys of her car she will grab a bus, and we don't want her drunk around town. She basically busy bottles of spirits and hides them around the house.

My father has finally had enough of it all, he wants to help her and will do whatever he can but she won't help herself. To be frank, I'm very annoyed, I know its an illness but surely she can see it's tearing the family apart.

What my question is, is there anyway we can put her into rehab to help her get treatment,s she won't go on her own accord? What't the best way to deal with it?

Any help you can give would be greatly appreciate.

Thanks in advance

davet82

defo the wrong place, personal issues forum is where you want to be

bijapos

You should go to P.I. with this. Sorry to hear about your problem, alcohol abuse can destroy families. You might also consider having a chat with your GP about her problems.

summerskin

It could also be worth you and your father/siblings visiting an Al-Anon meeting. They are for people who have alcoholic family members/friends.

I've been in a similar situation to you, OP, good luck.

xzanti

Personal Issues Forum... (under the 'Soc' heading)

Best of luck

humanji

I've moved this over to the PI forum, as you're more likely to get all the info and help you need there.

Odysseus

Personal Issues is the place for you. If she don't want to go, no one can force her. However, you can seek help for yourself to guide you through this difficult time. If you are in Dublin contact the HSE Alcohol Services, you will also get some help from your GP in terms of info about where you can seek help for yourself. Best of luck with it.

DeltaWhite

I hope some of my post will help as I feel awful for you OP

My mam has had a mental illness all her life and she is on serious amounts of medication daily. There have been several occasions where, for some reason she just stops taking them and it causes her to drop into this state of complete lunacy (I dont know how else to describe it)
One occasion she did this, about 4 years ago and she wouldnt get out of bed, wouldnt eat, wouldnt shower, nothing. For weeks this went on and I have 3 older brothers and my father who could not bring themselves to intervene and they were quite useless at talking to her. Which left it up to me and I just decided that an intervention was needed. So I rang the clinic where she goes and told them something needs to be done or I was going to crack up! I was 22 and had to take over everything in the household and didnt even have my "normal" mam there to talk to. Horrific time of my life and I've never felt so alone even with my father and brothers (sucks being an only girl)

Intervention took place, she was brought to hospital and stayed there for 12 weeks. She was there for the whole of Christmas and everything. It was really a hard time but looking back I am glad now as she got better, she hasnt had a relapse since then, and I know now what to do if it does happen again

You need to speak to her GP or your family members about an intervention. I know it's not the same situation but something similar needs to happen to help your mam.

username123

Hi OP,
My father was an alcoholic, I grew up with a lot of what you describe and a lot worse too.

At the moment your mum is high functioning - she has a job, is still aware enough to be hiding the booze.

The fact that she already had a dry out session is a positive thing, it means that at least the subject has been broached.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can force her to do. In Ireland the medical community will not help an alcoholic unless that alcoholic asks for help. This sounds crazy to us family members but the truth is that they are wasting their time unless the person wants to quit.

Most alcoholics are "sane" as in they will pass psychological testing and simply show as addicts - its not the same as a mental illness in that sense.

The best advice I can give you and your family is to start attending Alanon. You cannot help the alcoholic but you can help yourself. You cannot change anyones behaviour but your own. Alanon will give you the tools to deal with the problem and teach you how not to enable the alcoholic - something we all do without realising.

I think you should also speak to the Rutland Centre or similar regarding the best way to go about a family intervention - which means the whole family and anyone affected by this gather together and confront your mother and tell her how it is affecting everyone and basically begs her to get help. I warn you, we did it with my Dad - more than once - and he didnt care. Its a strong addiction. But the alcoholic has to face consequences of their addiction or they will do nothing to change things. If (for example) your family asked your mother to leave the family home until she can stop drinking - it could be the kick in the behind she needs (I am using an extreme example).

Anyway - have a read of this (it explains how everyone around the alcoholic has a role) and then go to Alanon, get everyone in the family to go if you can, and be open about it, everyone has to be open that there is an alcohol problem, say it out loud, stop enabling your mother.

Best of luck - I hope it comes good, you guys are in a much more positive situation than my fathers was, he was far more progressed than your mother at a younger age.

Morag

I would suggest that you and your Dad and any other family memembers effects consider going to an al anon meeting. They are for people who have a loved one who has issues with drink. There you will get support and learn to figure out the complex feelings which can ensare us.

http://al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

I would also suggest you find out who your local Mental health social worker is.
Ring your local health clinic or get in touch with the hospital where you mother was
and get them to give you the info and/or make a referral.

There are supports out there but you have to know about them and push for them.

username123

Morag wrote: »

I would also suggest you find out who your local Mental health social worker is.
Ring your local health clinic or get in touch with the hospital where you mother was
and get them to give you the info and/or make a referral.

Im not sure you can get a social worker for mental health for alcohol issues where the alcoholic is a high functioning alcoholic and holding down a job etc.. I just dont know if it would be seen as important enough and given the current state of the health service etc..... Its worth a try.

We were not able to get a social worker assigned until after my father had been admitted to hospital on a number of occasions having collapsed in the street from alcohol poisoning and had on one occasion left the hospital in his PJs and paid a taxi man to take him to an off licence where he tried to steal alcohol. Then when we finally got assigned one, there was one meeting and ever after the social worker was too busy to deal with us again.

The above post reminded me that I tried every single thing to help in my own family situation and I contacted everyone possible, GP(s), AA, rehab centres, the guards, social worker, public health nurse, psychiatrist, (im sure there were more Ive forgotten about!). It all came to nothing, the only answer was for me to go to Alanon.

The Reamer

Perhaps you and your siblings could find some way of removing here ability to buy alcohol. Maybe you could limit or cut off her access to money or prevent her from driving a car. Of course this depends on where you live and might not be practical.

Does she drink drive? A harsh but effective action I have seen is where a family member tips off the gardai as to when and where they can catch the drink driving alcoholic person in the act of DUI.

A court appearance, hefty ban and a long driving ban may be enought to knck some sense into her. Not to mention preventing her from killing someone in an accident.

THis happened with a family friend. The father was a raging alcoholic and would regularly drink drive. The wife ratted him out to the Guards who caught him slumped at the wheel. He's still drinking but at least he can't cause an accident now which is some benefit I suppose.

username123

The Reamer wrote: »

Perhaps you and your siblings could find some way of removing here ability to buy alcohol. Maybe you could limit or cut off her access to money or prevent her from driving a car. Of course this depends on where you live and might not be practical.

This just wont work. You are dealing with an addiction here. The mother holds down a job, short of tying her up how would expect her ability to buy alcohol be limited? As well as that, you simply cannot remove a persons civil liberties. How would you feel if we suddenly decided that you were no longer allowed to buy "whatever" legally obtainable item - people have to make their own decisions. It is not possible to be someones minder 24/7, to try to do so sells out your own life and turns you into someones keeper - thats only creating more problems. If an alcoholic wants alcohol they will get it.

The Reamer wrote: »

THis happened with a family friend. The father was a raging alcoholic and would regularly drink drive. The wife ratted him out to the Guards who caught him slumped at the wheel. He's still drinking but at least he can't cause an accident now which is some benefit I suppose.

Yeah, my father lost his livelihood because he was caught drink driving (no one ratted him out he did it all by himself), and it simply spiralled him into far worse levels of alcoholism, he went from high functioning to brain damaging in short order. His personality was erased by the end, he was just a breathing aggressive thing who wanted more and more alcohol.

Its a very complex addiction and the impacts on the people around the alcoholic are very deep, psychologically damaging and far reaching. One of the reasons it tends to travel through families is that people do not get the support they need and they pass on the dysfunctional behaviours. It tends to skip generations, the next one down is so disgusted by the previous ones drinking that they go all out tee total, the next one along is so peeved at denial of normal drinking that they go too far and become alcoholics - ok a simplification but it is a fairly well documented generational disease. The effects on family are very well documented also, the OP is now whats known as an ACOA - Adult Child of an Alcoholic - some very well defined behaviours ingrained as a result.

Awful addiction, hopefully OP can get some peace.

The Reamer

^^^

I understand that getting them a driving ban may not stop their drinking but at least it may prevent them from killing some innocent person on the roads.

If they subsequently choose the drink themselves to death, that is their own problem.

Ratting her DUIs to the Guardi is a damage limitation tactic to at least get her off the road.

However, if she lives in a rural area a driving ban may prevent her from travelling to the shops to get drink. Of course, this all is location dependent - ie if they are 2 miles from town well thats a doddle. if she lives 20 miles from the nearest town it may bring about an involutary sobering up.

Re the civil liberties, you have to be cruel to be kind. It would be done with good intentions not to punish the person.

If the OP cares to reply to the post, is she a violent person when she's fluthered off it?

username123

The Reamer wrote: »

Re the civil liberties, you have to be cruel to be kind. It would be done with good intentions not to punish the person.

I know you mean well, but it is not a practical solution, nor should it be because any of us would consider it abuse to have our civil liberties removed without good legal cause - and its legal to drink your head off unfortunately. It is not up to an individual to be judge and jury over another persons behaviour - or to control it. What if I decided that I thought you were an alcoholic and locked you up - in your opinion you only have 4 pints on friday night, in my opinion its too much - do you see where this goes? The mother is in denial, its a protective mechanism. You cannot simply sober an alcoholic up and get them to see reason for their own good - its a really complex issue.

Its important to remember that the alcoholic is a person with a personality, who could be a lovely person and who simply has an addiction. An addiction that may ruin them, certainly, but they are a person and they have to be respected as such. Talk of restricting someones civil liberties, reporting them to the guards, etc.. I totally understand where it is coming from, but it is not realistic and if the OP goes to Alanon he/she will learn the correct methods with which to deal with the situation.

Yes, losing their licence might save people on the roads - but then to suggest that they can then drink themselves to death if they like is not helpful to the OP who actually wants a solution to the problem of alcoholism - not just for their parent to die of it.