Separated and going for mediation

Flyingkiwi

I separated from my husband in July 2012 and I am now living in rented accommodation with our 4 children. He currently lives in the family home but only on the weekends as he works out of the country during the week. He has an au pair that lives in the family home during the week and she is also there on the weekends. According to him she is not an au pair but a dog minder. He takes the children every weekend. I have been to court for maintenance as originally he was giving me 800 a month but this dropped to 400 a month after he found out that I had been out for a night out and used a babysitter, he said if I could afford to go out he was giving me too much.

Court didn't go as expected, no maintenance order was made but we were told we have to go for mediation. He firmly believes that as he works and I have been at home for the last 15 years raising the kids that I'm not entitled to anything. He has told me that if I look for anything from him he will give up work so that everything will be taken away from us and that any debt from doing this will be half mine. We have the family home but we are also in the middle of building as well.

Before getting married I had my own career and earned very good money but this was all put aside and my time was spent with the children, this was a decision that was made by both of us. I'm now on an emergency welfare benefit and I receive rent allowance.

If anyone has any advice on what I should be looking for from mediation it would be great, I just feel that at the moment he has everything, but in saying that I do have the kids most of the time which is the most important thing.

Roger_007

Normally where there are dependent children the court orders that the mother and children remain in the family home. I know because I've been through the experience. Have you good legal advice.

Flyingkiwi

I have been to a solicitor and when we originally went to court it was only for maintenance as I figured once I had that sorted I could look at the bigger picture. My ex did say that if I wanted to move back into the family home I would have to pay the mortgage which at 1500 I really can't afford

Ken.

You need to get to a solicitor IMMEDIATELY. Sorry to be blunt and i don't mean to offend but your husband obviously knows your clueless about legal stuff and is feeding you bull****. When my mother and father separated my dad had to move out and pay for the house also as he was working and my mother was raising us.

Call your husbands bluff. Take him for all he's worth.(my opinion).

sffc

ken wrote: »

You need to get to a solicitor IMMEDIATELY. Sorry to be blunt and i don't mean to offend but your husband obviously knows your clueless about legal stuff and is feeding you bull****. When my mother and father separated my dad had to move out and pay for the house also as he was working and my mother was raising us.

Call your husbands bluff. Take him for all he's worth.(my opinion).

You'll need to toughen up I'm afraid - do it for your kids if not yourself . Firstly there's nothing to stop you moving back to the family home today . If he has changed the locks or threatens you phone the gaurds . It's your home and a protected "family home" legally regardless of deeds or mortgage although I'd say you are on both .
He's giving you a load of bull### regards the mortgage . As he earns the bank would come after him primarily for any arrears . The last thing they want to do is repossess these days and anyway it would take years .
Not often I'd say this but mediation with this guy is probably a waste of time - at least not right now . You need to know your rights and fast .You are almost certainly entitled to legal aid , he almost certainly isn't . In time it will dawn on him that he needs to settle with you to avoid a Judicial Separation . This could cost him 20k in legal fees so he'll want to avoid that !
You actually could be in a very strong positon but are letting yourself be walked all over .

ladysarah

hope you got legal advise. iyou will get through it )

Abi

Flyingkiwi wrote: »

I separated from my husband in July 2012 and I am now living in rented accommodation with our 4 children. He currently lives in the family home but only on the weekends as he works out of the country during the week. He has an au pair that lives in the family home during the week and she is also there on the weekends. According to him she is not an au pair but a dog minder. He takes the children every weekend. I have been to court for maintenance as originally he was giving me 800 a month but this dropped to 400 a month after he found out that I had been out for a night out and used a babysitter, he said if I could afford to go out he was giving me too much.

Court didn't go as expected, no maintenance order was made but we were told we have to go for mediation. He firmly believes that as he works and I have been at home for the last 15 years raising the kids that I'm not entitled to anything. He has told me that if I look for anything from him he will give up work so that everything will be taken away from us and that any debt from doing this will be half mine. We have the family home but we are also in the middle of building as well.

Before getting married I had my own career and earned very good money but this was all put aside and my time was spent with the children, this was a decision that was made by both of us. I'm now on an emergency welfare benefit and I receive rent allowance.

If anyone has any advice on what I should be looking for from mediation it would be great, I just feel that at the moment he has everything, but in saying that I do have the kids most of the time which is the most important thing.

There is so much wrong with this. I hope you've taken others advice here and have sought legal aid. This will take time to organise, so you cannot waste any time.

Why are you living outside the family home? Unless there is danger to yourself and / or your children, there was no need for you to leave. A separation alone is incredibly hard on children. They're unsure and feel insecure and need verification from their parents that everything will be okay. Surely between you both you could have agreed to share the home until more permanent arrangements were made?

Number one, you need to go back home with your children. Two, if he doesn't agree to mediation then advise him that you will be applying for a 'judicial separation'. I'd say he's a lot savvier than you regarding your entitlements, and has used your lack of information on this to his benefit. If he educates himself as to what a judicial separation is, he may learn quickly that you will likely receive full backing via legal aid and he may not, and this could be extremely costly to him in the long run.

He's only had the upper hand so far because you don't seem to know your rights. It's really horrible when emotions get in the way of fairness for both sides, but you shouldn't be cornered either.

I've further info in my head here, but it will depend on whether you intend to keep living independently or return to the family home.

Whatever the outcome OP, please ask him if nothing else, that he considers how all of it is effecting the children. It's both of you they turn to in troubled times, what happens when the parents cannot agree and fight?

Try to reassure them everything will be okay despite the changes, and don't let them overhear anything between yourself and your ex.