How to get over someone

x Purple Pawprints x

Hi folks,

First time I've posted a thread here myself.

Last week me and my bf of 2 years split up. I'm devastated and heartbroken and numb and in shock all at the same time. But I also know it was the best thing to do, we weren't happy for a while and I think we should have split a few months back despite me being in shock. I'm all over the place, everything is reminding me of him and I can't sleep properly..

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me advice on getting over him and moving on? We're still friends on Facebook but I don't see any of his updates and I'm trying not to look at his profile. I have looked once or twice I have to admit. I don't really want to delete him tbh, not yet anyway. We haven't been in contact since. I would like to be friends maybe a couple of years down the line if it's possible, I know it may not be.

I got rid of some birthday cards and stuff he gave me but I have kept a few little things because I'm not ready to get rid of them. I can't go looking for them though, my mother put them away for me. I still have some clothes of his that I'll return.

Can anyone help? At the moment I just feel lost.

Denaien

Hun.... Surround yourself with people, give your self time. Allow yourself to have your off days, you'll have lots..... But it's ok.
Delete him off Facebook, you don't need to be friends right now. Maybe down the road but not now.
If your of the mind set now that it was for the best... Well my dear you are well on the road to recovery....
The sleeping will fix itself in time and it will take a little time.... But your going to be just fine.....
A girl half my age told me last week that she had broke up with her boyfriend I asked if she was ok, she is only 15, she turned and said... I want the boy who is going to ruin my lipstick not my mascara....

x Purple Pawprints x wrote: »

Hi folks,

First time I've posted a thread here myself.

Last week me and my bf of 2 years split up. I'm devastated and heartbroken and numb and in shock all at the same time. But I also know it was the best thing to do, we weren't happy for a while and I think we should have split a few months back despite me being in shock. I'm all over the place, everything is reminding me of him and I can't sleep properly..

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me advice on getting over him and moving on? We're still friends on Facebook but I don't see any of his updates and I'm trying not to look at his profile. I have looked once or twice I have to admit. I don't really want to delete him tbh, not yet anyway. We haven't been in contact since. I would like to be friends maybe a couple of years down the line if it's possible, I know it may not be.

I got rid of some birthday cards and stuff he gave me but I have kept a few little things because I'm not ready to get rid of them. I can't go looking for them though, my mother put them away for me. I still have some clothes of his that I'll return.

Can anyone help? At the moment I just feel lost.

x Purple Pawprints x

Thanks a lot for your reply. I don't have many friends but I really need them right now. I'm meeting with my oldest friend for lunch tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. I know I should delete him but I can't do it right now. I'm not on much these days tbh and I'll resist looking at his profile, I set it so I can't see any of his updates.

It was for the best, we both knew that when it happened. We were just staying together because we didn't want to hurt each other and I can see that now. Things have felt different for a while but I thought maybe it was just in my head. It hurts a lot right now. I thought he was the one for me but I'm seeing that maybe we weren't right for each other. We did have a lot of issues as a couple and we both had separate issues, mine being confidence issues.

I'll be fine. I'm just really looking for some reassurance and advice.

Denaien wrote: »

Hun.... Surround yourself with people, give your self time. Allow yourself to have your off days, you'll have lots..... But it's ok.
Delete him off Facebook, you don't need to be friends right now. Maybe down the road but not now.
If your of the mind set now that it was for the best... Well my dear you are well on the road to recovery....
The sleeping will fix itself in time and it will take a little time.... But your going to be just fine.....
A girl half my age told me last week that she had broke up with her boyfriend I asked if she was ok, she is only 15, she turned and said... I want the boy who is going to ruin my lipstick not my mascara....

jantheman91

There is no miracle i'm afraid. For a 2 year relationship it could take you a few weeks up until a few years to get over. I've gone through a break-up recently. Loving someone and watching them betray you and cast you aside like my ex done me is a hard pill to swallow.

Logically you have no choice but to keep pushing forward. Rehashing old memories will do nothing to get back what was once had. I've learnt this the hard way. Don't bother grovelling either it's completely futile and highly possible you'll end up with egg on your face. Take what's happened as a harsh learning experience, nothing more.

The days are tough alright but as each week passes you'll return to what some would call feelings of 'normality'. Remember it's not a sprint but rather a marathon. Take time out to treat yourself. Buy yourself those shoes you've been looking at, or perhaps get yourself highlights. Change is good and is something you'll need to adapt to.

Throw away everything that reminds you of him too. Pictures, cards, etc. Block him on facebook and look after yourself.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that remaining friends with someone of the opposing sex who you've been intimate with just does not work. Perhaps in a minority of cases it does but i do not think it is worth that drama it may bring.

Tomorrows a new day and with it comes new feelings.

Have faith in yourself OP, you'll get there in your own time.

Best of luck.

x Purple Pawprints x

Thanks for your reply jantheman. I appreciate it. We did love each other a lot. Nothing in particular split us up, just that we weren't working and we weren't happy - there was nobody else involved or anything like that which probably does make this tougher. I know we can't be friends, not yet anyway. That could be years down the line realistically if it's even possible at all. I just miss him, it's hard that he's not around. I know breaking up was the right thing but it's very difficult to get my head around the fact that he's my ex, my first ex.

jantheman91

x Purple Pawprints x wrote: »

Thanks for your reply jantheman. I appreciate it. We did love each other a lot. Nothing in particular split us up, just that we weren't working and we weren't happy - there was nobody else involved or anything like that which probably does make this tougher. I know we can't be friends, not yet anyway. That could be years down the line realistically if it's even possible at all. I just miss him, it's hard that he's not around. I know breaking up was the right thing but it's very difficult to get my head around the fact that he's my ex, my first ex.

Life is complicated Pawprints. I've said it to numerous people i've met. The human brain is far too advanced for us. The amount of over-thinking and mental torture we endure over what some may describe as ''trivial things'' is ridiculous.

Of course you'll miss him. He was a huge part of your life. Not only were you lovers, but friends too. Unfortunately it's over and as hard as it is to take, you can move on knowing the reasons for the mutual break-up. Take solace in that. I've searched for the reason as to why my relationship ended but to no avail. Perhaps i'm not meant to know and it's something i've to get on with.

Just take it easy OP. Just remember that there's a lot of men out there that would be delighted to be with you. You've just got to find them.

Things will get easier, that i promise you.

kat.mac

When I feel shaky, I listen to Move in the Right Direction by the Gossip. It's the most nail-on-the-heady post breakup song I've ever heard in my LIFE. Best line: "reminiscing will get you nowhere"... Never a truer word said!

Feel good about the fact that you had the strength to end a relationship that wasn't working. This pain is *so* temporary in the grand scheme of things, and will ultimately make you a stronger person.

x Purple Pawprints x

I suppose that's true. I know it's best we're not together, it just hurts. I know I won't be looking for anyone else any time soon. I know I need to be on my own for a while. I'm going day by day and I think keeping busy is working. I'll be okay eventually. I will miss him so much for a long time though.

x Purple Pawprints x

It wasn't me that had the strength to, it was him. But in a way I'm glad he was stronger than me.

Neyite

PP, break-ups suck. Even when you practically hate the other person by the time you break up, it still hurts like hell. It hurts even if you know it was the right thing to do, and all that takes care of that is time. Its a day by day process. You are better than you were this time last week, next week you will be gradually better than that and so on. Time.

I think that you should unfriend on facebook for now - explain that once both of you have processed your feelings, you can reconnect as friends. But if you see status updates at the weekend you will start to wonder if there were girls there or if you see a girl reply to him, it WILL wreck your head, and it WILL undo all the positivity you have worked on all week.

Practical ways to help are to keep as busy as you can - but also, take time for you. I liked to do stuff that I could never do with my ex. One hated spicy food so I worked my way through an Asian cookbook trying new recipes that I never could while with him. Another loved my long hair so I got a fab new hairdo. One used to undermine my efforts to quit smoking and begin exercising so I quit and got fit after that fella!

In terms of keeping busy, have you thought about learning new skills? Look for free online courses that may interest you - crafty things, languages, computer skills. I know its really hard to motivate yourself but at the end of it you will feel like you achieved so much. Why not consider something a little drastic, like moving to a bigger city to work? He is not keeping you there anymore, and opportunities for career progression and making new friends through future flatmates and colleagues might be the best thing you ever did. Certainly if you are no longer around the local haunts you don't have to worry about bumping into him.

You've mentioned your lack of confidence -this is the perfect time to work on whatever you need to do without having to explain to someone what you are doing and why. If that means counselling, sign up for a session, if you think self help books will help you, get reading. For me, building up my confidence meant being a little bit more assertive, saying no nicely instead of feeling obliged to say yes all the time, agreeing instead of being too shy to go for drinks with colleagues when invited - just gradual, little brave steps at first that I forced myself to do, then they became normal to me.

I mentioned keeping a journal before - it was really therapudic for me. I used to write him letters (that I'd never send!) There were sad ones, angry ones, pathetic ones, loving ones - you get the picture, but it helped to process my emotions on a day to day basis.

You will always feel that little butterfly in your tummy when you see him - but it wont feel like the punch to the gut it currently feels like at the moment, it WILL get better.

Johnny31

I agree with deleting him from Facebook.. you will drive yourself crazy if you see a pic of him or something..

It will take time but you will need to cut all contact and spend time with your family and friends

gillapino

Break ups suck. But trust me a month or two down the line your going to find this sad time irrelevant. First things first, do something that makes you feel good. Wear something nice, your favourite top or dress, put on a lil makeup or get your hair done. I always find when you look good you feel good. Even though all you want to do is stay in your jammies or comfy tracksuit and cry. Watch one of your favourite movies, buy a new magazine or book just do things for you, see a friend and don't think about him. Try get out of your house, go for a walk or a wander around the shops, even if its just to the supermarket. I know it hard but you'll get there. Stay strong and try keep busy.

RE the facebook thing, i wouldnt delete him it could make things awkward if you want to stay friends,as you said it didnt end on bad terms. is their a function where you can hide his activity from your timeline?

x Purple Pawprints x

Thanks for the reply Neyite. I'm on my phone right now so can't really reply properly. Not sure about Facebook. I haven't unfriended but I've blocked it so I can't see what he posts. I'm taking a break from Facebook too, need to get my head straight and I will think about unfriending. We never really went out a lot so I've decided to go to the cinema now and then or things like that. I'm saving for a few things too.

I'm staying where I am for now. Good thing about long distance is not seeing him which actually really helps. My poor brother had to see his ex everyday on the school bus after they split.

Weight Watchers has been great, started about a month ago and I've lost 9lbs. It's a focus for me. And I've got a volunteer shift in a charity shop every Friday. I'm actually doing ok considering.

Reading people's experiences here is really helping. I like the journal idea. Might give that a go.

x Purple Pawprints x

@gillapino - I have been thinking of getting my hair done or dyeing it a different colour. I think I do need a couple of changes to make me feel better. I have hid all his updates, I can't see on my timeline if he posts. I haven't been on much in any case. Need some time for me, don't really need my head stuck in Facebook at the moment. I do feel better every day that passes, a tiny bit.

yermandan

Time & zero contact through any medium. Repeat until you're over it.

Good luck x

x Purple Pawprints x

This zero contact is taking a lot of strength I have to admit but I know it's best.

gillapino

x Purple Pawprints x wrote: »

@gillapino - I have been thinking of getting my hair done or dyeing it a different colour. I think I do need a couple of changes to make me feel better. I have hid all his updates, I can't see on my timeline if he posts. I haven't been on much in any case. Need some time for me, don't really need my head stuck in Facebook at the moment. I do feel better every day that passes, a tiny bit.

Thats a step in the right direction, new hair cut or colour is perfect, treat yourself, i'll garentee you'll feel better. Yeah stay away from Facebook for the next few days, and keep yourself busy with different things, reading, cooking, watching tv/ movies, shopping, walks Good luck

x Purple Pawprints x

I have loads of books to read, better start one. And I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow. Need to decide on what colour I want to do my hair too.

cantdecide

I'm sorry you have all this to deal with, PP. These are the days that no one wants. You will come out the other side, however, and you will be a stronger better you. In the meantime, follow all of the above and (this is my stock answer for break-ups so these people will be sick of me saying it...) give yourself something to look forward to like a holiday or maybe plan to do something you've always wanted to like a ride a hot air balloon or do do a bungee jump. Maybe something that challenges you.

x Purple Pawprints x

It's hard for me to get my head around the fact I won't see him again. I suppose that's a positive right now that we were long distance.

DeltaWhite

Hi PP

I know you'll be ok, reading your posts and all the ways you are keeping yourself busy is really good and positive You know yourself not to get stuck in a rut as it can be extremely hard to come out of it!

Ps.. every time I broke up with someone the first thing I did was change my hair it's a funny thing as I've heard loads of women doing it it's like you're re-inventing yourself - a "new you" so I would make an appointment and get your hair done, you'll feel a lot better after it

Ps.. stay the hell away from sad or romantic films Music is the best thing for you and ice-cream

x Purple Pawprints x

I'm doing all right but I'm still sad that he's gone. Staying away from Facebook and romantic films and stuff that reminds me of him (or at least I'm trying to). I slept a little bit better last night. He's my first ex and it's difficult to call him that I have to admit.

x Purple Pawprints x

Went for lunch with my friend and had a chat with her about everything. Took so much strength not to break down in the cafe.

msg11

One thing, don't go and do what I done and ended up letting them stay over in the heat of the moment, nothing even happened just was so happy to have her in my arms !

Sadly it put me back to square one and am going thru the hellish experience again. Just any thoughts that come into your head just over power them with the its over.

Facebook is annoying, I have her blocked but she can still like my status or she can pop up some times. Don't want to delete her cause don't want the situation raring it head again.

Day by day and zero contact, far as I see it balls in her court she ain't balling ball and it's over. Just it's not 100% registered in my head only time will make that happen !

x Purple Pawprints x

Yeah that won't be happening.. He lives in a different county anyway so that's probably a good thing.

Facebook is tricky. I have him blocked too but we're still friends. I'm not on that much anyway, need to get out more, make some new friends and stuff.

Zero contact is hard for me but I'm getting there.