Don't want to ruin best thing I have

squiggs123

Hi all,

So I'm in a relationship for the last 18 months. Its been amazing and we are very much in love, very affectionate with a good sex life.

Sounds great right?! It should be! However there's one little thing creeping in that has ruined previous relationships, the green eyed monster. I've driven away a long term boyfriend before and accept full reaponsibility for irrational behaviour - I'm determined not to screw this one up though!!


Lately when my boyfriend comments that someone on tv is "so hot" or a friends girlfriend is "cracker" it really stings me. Don't get me wrong he's very complimentary to me, but I find myself comparing these women to myself and only being able to focus on his comments about them not me. It came to a head when I found out his best mate is dating a stunning girl (found this out thru a friend as my bf never told me).

I couldn't sleep last night with jealously over this girl.

What kind of freak behaviour is that!!

Help me :-(

CaraMay

He is obviously thinking you are more secure than you are when he is comfortable making remarks like that to you. He obviously likes the secure you so try to remember that. He likes you cos he is with you.

What do you think is going to happen if he thinks a friends gf is hot? Do you think he is going to steal this girl from his friend while cheating on you? If that's the case you don't have a very high opinion if your bf, do you?

The point I am getting at is that your worst nightmare is unlikely to come true if your gut about your bf being a good guy is right... If you don't think he us a good guy then that's a whole other problem.

danslevent

There is a saying that goes: Jealousy is the inability to love yourself.

Easier said than done, but you have to realise that your boyfriend loves you. Sometimes I feel jealousy too when I see gorgeous girls talking to my boyfriend but you think of all the times you may have seen/talked to good looking guys and it hasn't made you want to dump your boyfriend or stray away.

Your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he didn't love you, and you have no reason to think otherwise, so try relax. You have no reason to be jealous over a friend of his good looking girlfriend, she is clearly very much out of bounds! And you say you are annoyed he didn't mention it, if anything that is a good sign!

Good luck OP

squiggs123

thanks guys.

Its not that I'm worried he's going to run off with her or anything, its more I can't get it out of my head that he is comparing her to me!

I do believe he's a great guy an I know this is all my issue. I'm determined to suppress this madness and not let him see this behaviour, I just need to learn how!!

CaraMay

And what's wrong is he is comparing you to her? Maybe he prefers the way you look?

There is no point proceeding by hiding and suppressing this issue. You need to find a way to improve your self esteem.

RossFixxxed

Well OP it's great you realise this is irrational, but don't be so hard on yourself. It happens. It probably happens most people at some point to some degree. I've had silly jealousies over the years and told my OH about them and that I knew it was silly and just one of those things. We moved on without any fuss and I didn't change what she did or who she hung out with.

It does seem that you are lacking in confidence in yourself and/or have some trust issues. They are worth exploring and working on yourself will definitely help. Could you talk to him about it? Just give him an outline of it, make sure to emphasise you are not blaming him or accusing him of comparing you to other women, but you feel jealous at times and you know it is silly but you can't help how you are feeling. See if there are things you can do to work on it together.

It's worth noting that myself and my friends may notice a hot woman on tv and give it the old 'phoar she's lovely' type thing, but she's immediately forgotten the next minute. It's my OH that occupies my thoughts, dreams, fantasies and general thinking. That said, I'm not blind, and I would notice if someone is attractive, and then just move on with my day. There's no comparisons made and I'm with the woman I love. If a friend has a hot gf I'm happy for them and I would be saying it as: "fair play to X, he's got a gorgeous new girlfriend". At NO poing am I thining "she's hotter, I'm going to murder him, steal his girlfriend, move country ... unless I see a HOTTER woman, then I have to dump the new one and get with her... unless..." It just doesn't happen. Assuming your BF is a decent guy he loves you, wants to be with you, but he has eyes and hormones. Random pretty ladies (on TV or passing you by) are nice to glance at, but they don't make your heart warm, they don't occupy your mind, they don't give you a cuddle or make you absolutely double over laughing.

cantdecide

+1 to all of the above. If he was having buyer's remorse he wouldn't say those things in your presence. However, you do need to let him know that you can be a little jealous and insecure and it makes you feel like you have to compete.

squiggs123

thank you all. Ross - thank you so much your post is after completely making sense to me. Going to save it and look back at it when I need a shake of reality!!! Thank .

RossFixxxed

No bother! It's easy to over think it and attribute all sorts of premeditated acts and crazy comparisons etc and mull over them until they become bigger than they actually are! It happens. Just remember to be kind to yourself!

tbh

Fair enough saying someone on tv is hot, but saying a mates girlfriend is a cracker is just disrespectful tbh

Holsten

I've had girlfriends who acted like this and it's extremely annoying. You have to see that this guy is with you for you, it doesn't matter if he makes these comments they are generally meaningless.

You probably need to have a confidence boost... look at it this way, you've a boyfriend who likes you for you, so you're obviously doing something right.

Just try and chill out on the jealously.

But.. if he is doing this all the time, and comparing you to other women.. that is NOT on at all, and you should make this known to him.