Completely different sex drives

LegacyUser

Any advice on this is very welcome. In short my bf and i have very very different sex drives. He's really content with the one a week, go to sleep, i'm more of a 'session' girl as in a lot of foreplay, having sex more than once etc...def more than once a week. Any time i let him know i'm horny when we're not together he either ignores me or says he is meeting other people, any attempt i make to ta;lk about sex, both in a fun way and a we have a problem way are met with silence and a change of subject.

I've tried doing different things and discussing what other fun we could have but he just shows no interest whatsoever. Even saying to him we can pretty much do anything, just tell me.........nothing, absolutely nothing. He shows more interest if i say will we get the bus or the luas. There is just no participation from him at all. He does enjoy me going down on him but thats the only thing he will bother 'going again' for. Now i really do enjoy that but i'm a bit unsatisfied and frustrated that there is nothing coming from him at all.

I know he thinks of me as nagging and says that i'm unrealistic in my expectation for sex, maybe i am but a bit of halfway or even a bit of a response would be great. The very odd time he takes the lead in bed its amazing and blows my mind. Ugh any help or advice pretty please? Thanks xxx

Katy89

I don't feel good saying this as I don't want to hurt your feelings but did you ever consider he might not be that into you?

for me from what you're telling in your post it sounds like. and for whatever reasons he's not able to admit it.

sffc

It's one of two things - you (as the above poster has said) or him . You aren't going to change (and shouldnt) so that leaves him. Honestly I don't think he'll ever change . Some ppl have little sex drive and that's that . At least he's your boyfriend and not husband and father of your four children. You've tried telling him - so time to find someone you are better suited to.

Holsten

Sit him down and talk about the issue. Simple. If he refuses let him know that would be grounds to end the relationship, and it would be.

If a girlfriend of mine had a radically different sex drive from myself and was not willing to even talk about it? Relationship over!

saiint

he has a low sex drive
not his fault , although not yours either
its actually very common for both sexs to have low sex drives
seeeeeee not all men are horney animals :P haha but if he is not willing to even talk about it well then thatsa different story
sex in a relationship is important, although only you can decide if its deal breaker to leave him.

Hardonraging

It's deff something you'll need to broach with him as inevitably it will only get worse, and develop to become and elephant in the room, as a few others have said, you need to work out if it's something that can be resolved, or if some thing can be agreed upon in the future

ibarelycare

How long have you been together OP? Has it always been like this?

Mr. Loverman

Too much foreplay every single time can be so off putting. I know you say you are trying other things but deep down he knows that's not really what you want.

Does he like a lot of foreplay too?

miamee

Is it possible that he is not as experienced as you thought and/or shy about it? It may also be that he is just not that interested in sex.

new user101

sexhelp wrote: »

Any advice on this is very welcome. In short my bf and i have very very different sex drives. He's really content with the one a week, go to sleep, i'm more of a 'session' girl as in a lot of foreplay, having sex more than once etc...def more than once a week. Any time i let him know i'm horny when we're not together he either ignores me or says he is meeting other people, any attempt i make to ta;lk about sex, both in a fun way and a we have a problem way are met with silence and a change of subject.

I've tried doing different things and discussing what other fun we could have but he just shows no interest whatsoever. Even saying to him we can pretty much do anything, just tell me.........nothing, absolutely nothing. He shows more interest if i say will we get the bus or the luas. There is just no participation from him at all. He does enjoy me going down on him but thats the only thing he will bother 'going again' for. Now i really do enjoy that but i'm a bit unsatisfied and frustrated that there is nothing coming from him at all.

I know he thinks of me as nagging and says that i'm unrealistic in my expectation for sex, maybe i am but a bit of halfway or even a bit of a response would be great. The very odd time he takes the lead in bed its amazing and blows my mind. Ugh any help or advice pretty please? Thanks xxx

In a similar position myself. Incredibly frustrating and very difficult at times.

In my situation our sex drives seem to have changed over time. Me wanting more, her less.

It's not a good thing and can lead to arguments etc.

By way of advice I would suggest trying different things to find what you both enjoy. TBH if you are at the start of your relationship it really shouldn't be this way though so maybe you're just not suited?

LegacyUser

Katy89 wrote: »

..did you ever consider he might not be that into you?..

Just wanted to point out that this is a dangerous assumption to make. If the genders were reversed would you be suggesting the same thing? People have different sex drives, for all we know he could be crazy about her.

It sounds to me like the OP and her OH may not be sexually compatible. But definitely try your best talking to him about it and come to a comprimise as posters above have suggested. Good luck!

LegacyUser

I have some experience of this - I thought (naively) that men were always gagging for it, and kinda believed that old comedy cliche of the man getting a "not tonight darling" from the wife.

So when I discovered that my fella had a very low drive, I was stunned and deeply upset. I felt pretty undesireable, truth be told.

What has saved us over the years is his willingness to talk about it. His willingness to compromise and meet me half way. I know full well that if I had as low a drive as him, we would probably be in a sexless relationship. My drive is basically what keeps our imtimate life going.

He cares deeply about my feeling desireable, and does appreciate that he's lucky to have a wife who's always up for it. But even after all these years, its still something we need to work on constantly. He still falls into the habit of "You initiate it and I'll either go along with it, or reject you". So, this week I've told him that I'm not going to iniate anything, and that I don't care when, but I'd like us to have sex this week. The day, hour is entirely up to him.

But again, this wouldn't work unless he cared about meeting me half way. It wouldn't work if he got shirty and snotty at me saying that to him.

Its something we will be working on for the rest of our marriage - our natural drives haven't really changed. But thats OK, as long as we're both committed to working at it. If your bf isn't willing to have a conversation about it, you're in trouble - as our marriage wouldn't have lasted unless we were able to be as frank with each other as we are.

dannyc31

How long have you been together OP? Has it always been like this?

this is a very important question OP. because this will show if there has been an unhealthy change in the status quo. if you two were at it like rabbits for the first 6months and now its like this, then its a big worry. either he may be suffering with mild depression or is going off you.

on the other hand if he was like this from the start, it simply probably is the case that he has a low sex drive. yes men can have them too. there is no point denying the fact that sexual compatability is a very important thing in a relationship even, thou we are kinda made to feel somehow guilty to ever bring up sex as a problem in a loving relationship. we are still mammals and need to enjoy sex.

many couples will never admit this as a reason for breaking up and often its not gonna be the only reason for a break up but it is very important that this is dealt with or it could lead to cheating or inevitable break up.

shalalala

Sennon wrote: »

I have some experience of this - I thought (naively) that men were always gagging for it, and kinda believed that old comedy cliche of the man getting a "not tonight darling" from the wife.

So when I discovered that my fella had a very low drive, I was stunned and deeply upset. I felt pretty undesireable, truth be told.

What has saved us over the years is his willingness to talk about it. His willingness to compromise and meet me half way. I know full well that if I had as low a drive as him, we would probably be in a sexless relationship. My drive is basically what keeps our imtimate life going.

He cares deeply about my feeling desireable, and does appreciate that he's lucky to have a wife who's always up for it. But even after all these years, its still something we need to work on constantly. He still falls into the habit of "You initiate it and I'll either go along with it, or reject you". So, this week I've told him that I'm not going to iniate anything, and that I don't care when, but I'd like us to have sex this week. The day, hour is entirely up to him.

But again, this wouldn't work unless he cared about meeting me half way. It wouldn't work if he got shirty and snotty at me saying that to him.

Its something we will be working on for the rest of our marriage - our natural drives haven't really changed. But thats OK, as long as we're both committed to working at it. If your bf isn't willing to have a conversation about it, you're in trouble - as our marriage wouldn't have lasted unless we were able to be as frank with each other as we are.

That is great! Thank you for this. Gives us all hope!

kjl

I know this sounds crazy, but has there been any infidelity on your behalf?

blatantrereg

Decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not. Don't expect him to change.
Get assurance that he does fancy you if you need it. Just be straightforward about it.
Also dont feel like you can't relieve yourself when you feel the need to.