How to broach moving out of home?

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is hard to talk about. But I was basically wondering how do you tell your parents that you are moving out of home?

Basically I lived with my parents all through college. I worked and paid my own way, but money was tight for us all and it made sense for me to stay at home and pay my mam money for living there. However I seem to have fallen into a trap of that now I'm no longer in college but working full time that I'm still living there. And it's good and nice and easy to talk to my mam but I want more freedom I guess. If it was just me and my mam, that would be fine. But it's not. My dad lives there too. And he's not the easiest person to live with.

He can be very emotional and can get annoyed very easily. He'll take the slightest comment as a personal attack against him, even when it's completely innocent. He also suffers from depression which doesn't help. And I find that when I go out, as I'm doing more now that Ive found a place where I'm happy, he can get very irriated. He'll constantly text and ring me. And if I don't answer straight away I get a few more texts and calls from him. Then his texts turn mean, accusing me of being up to no good, when it's usually a simple case of me not hearing them. I try to make the effort to text back, but sometimes when you're out with a group of friends, you don't want to be the one constantly on the phone because that can be quite rude. I try and make the effort of telling them where I'm going and what time I'll be back, but sometimes, I get caught up in the fun and am late, only for my dad to text me, and then ring me. Sometimes he takes his bad mood out on my mam and sister, by shouting at them and being mean and sometimes quite frightening. And I feel really bad, as it's my fault for being inconsiderate.

I've decided that I've had enough and can't take it anymore. I know it's not the worst situation in the world, but I want more freedom out of life. So how do I go about it? I'm afraid that by leaving, I'll be leaving my sister and mother behind to face his wrath, and also that I'll be leaving my mother in the lurch finacially. I've told my mam about my thoughts, and she says if that's what I want I should go for it. I know that it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just find it hard to leave them, and also, when he's not in strange moods I really love him and it's hard to let them go I guess. Sorry for the long post, I was trying to find a balance between not sharing the full situation, and disorting the issue, which is basically how to tell your father that you are planning on moving out of the house?

skyfall2012

Hi OP, You Dad sounds like he could do with some counselling. You Mom sounds like a kind and caring person. Sometimes people who have children take complete advantage of the fact that those children are so dependant on them for the basics like food and water and then emotionally. Instead of nurturing their children, they try to control every aspect of their lives.

This is very unhealthy relationship. I had a similar experience when I was leaving home, one of my sisters was special needs and I took care of her, my mother no longer lived with us. My Dad tried to emotionally blackmail me to stay. My thoughts were, if I died in the morning you would have to figure it out. I am not going to ruin my life, it had been bad enough already.

I left and travelled had a great time and married. I often think about that time, I am so glad I made the break, because I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't. It wasn't easy I had major fight with my Dad and didn't talk to him for years. But we are all good now.

You need to teach your Dad a lesson about you and that is he can no longer control you. You have to think selfishly in this case. Good luck OP.

Diziet

Listen to your mam! You can't stay at home forever. And it may well be that your parents would find it easier if you moved out; it is hard to coexist with an independent adult child however well you all get on.

So find a nice place to move, say that it is time to stand on your own two feet, that you are very grateful to them for letting you stay so long, and move. It is kinder to not bring up the problems with your dad as a reason. And you can always visit and provide support when needed.

looksee

OP, I can tell you as a parent, that while you always love your children (well most people do ) they get to a stage where out of sight is out of mind!

I am glad to have my children independent and leading their own lives, and provided I hear from them once or twice a week I do not worry about them. The youngest I am lucky to hear from once or twice a month, but she has me well trained and I have got used it it, it doesn't mean there is any divide between us, she is just getting on with her life.

If, as has happened on and off over the years, one is living at home for a while, I immediately go into mother mode, and feel the need to know what time they will be in and what they are doing. Which is entirely unreasonable, but that is the way parents are.

You have already broached it with your mother and she has given her blessing. She probably is fully aware of all this and would like to see you independent, even while she enjoys your company. Find your flat, talk about it, be enthusiastic and cheerful rather than guilty. Have them go over and see it. Then go.

Your dad will stop texting when he loses track of whether you are likely to be in or out. If he does ring just say, sorry dad I was just about to have a shower/ I'm cooking dinner/ whatever boring thing you can think of. As he gets used to you being gone he will stop doing it.

I think your story would be very familiar to a lot of people, move on, you are an adult and have to make your own life, good luck!

dollypet

Get yourself sorted. Say nothing once you are sorted with a house, deposit is paid then let your father know what is happening. At that point he can do and say as he wishes but it wont have to change your plans.

Your entitled to move out and stand on your own two feet OP- Dont forget that.

Best of luck.

Merkin

You can't live your own life for other people. It's also high time you moved out, you can't develop fully as an adult without being independent and finding your own path. Start looking for somewhere now, your sister and parents will cope fine without you and you'll probably have a better relationship with your father when he's not there to breathe down your neck.

username123

I faced emotional blackmail for moving out as well. It was hard. In the end I actually moved out after a row - into circumstances that were not ideal. Instead of being like me in my little car with my belongings piled haphazardly on the back seat, get organised!

Go ahead with the plan, choose where you will live, sort out the deposit etc, pack your stuff neatly, arrange someone to help you get your bits out. During this, let it be calmly known that you will be moving out on whatever date. Dont ask it, dont say it guiltly, just inform your father of it as you would the info about anything you might be doing - like going on holidays. Be positive about it "well, Im moving out on Friday, isnt it great, out in the big bad world - Im finally going to be independant! I cant wait!"

Do not accept any emotional blackmail. If your father tries to put any negative spin on it at all just tell him that you are sorry he is unhappy with your decision but that you are an adult who makes your own decisions now and you would be pleased if he would respect that. If he goes mad, just walk away.

I promise you that once you turn the key in your own door you will feel a lot better! Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I'm the original poster. I just wanted to thank you all for your nice words and advice. You are all right. I'm going to get organised and break the news, I guess I just built it up as a big thing in my mind, that to hear that it's not actually really helped. Thank you all so much.