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Left out

LegacyUser

I was out with my partner the other night and sat with a few of her friends having a drink. When more people arrived I was left sitting on my own with 2 people sitting with their backs to me completly oblivious to my presence...tbh I felt slightly embaressed by the situation so I made myself look busy on my phone...but my partner who was off talking to friends spotted me and came over.

My partner was pretty annoyed by the fact I was left by myself while the people around me went off and blantley ignored me. This type of situation has happened to me a few times and my partner got really annoyed because of the number of times its happened.

When I look at the situation, I can see that its that Im very different from her firends and their OH's...for example they are all into football, boxing, GAA...whereas Im into economics..business, markets...history...etc,etc.so I struggle to make any type of conversation with them, because they are soooo different from me!!

How do I make this better...not for me but my partner?

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username123

Goats Gruff wrote: »

When I look at the situation, I can see that its that Im very different from her firends and their OH's...for example they are all into football, boxing, GAA...whereas Im into economics..business, markets...history...etc,etc.so I struggle to make any type of conversation with them, because they are soooo different from me!!

Do you look down on them a bit because you feel you are more intellectual than them? Do you like any of them? Do you think any of them like you? I sympathise to a degree because I find sport the most unutterably boring topic of conversation ever - its a foreign language to me - but I have rarely found myself unable to chat about something else to people who are into it.

Surely you can find common ground to talk to them about, films, the state of the economy, Game of Thrones or other tv shows, stuff happening locally, the household tax, etc?

daisybelle2008

username123 wrote: »

Do you look down on them a bit because you feel you are more intellectual than them? Do you like any of them? Do you think any of them like you? I sympathise to a degree because I find sport the most unutterably boring topic of conversation ever - its a foreign language to me - but I have rarely found myself unable to chat about something else to people who are into it.

Surely you can find common ground to talk to them about, films, the state of the economy, Game of Thrones or other tv shows, stuff happening locally, the household tax, etc?

+1, I'd add , travel, holidays, music, current affairs, hobbies, plays etc...
Too be honest football, rugby and economics are not topics that I'd be too interested in but luckily there are soo much more things to talk about you don't have to limit yourself or feel sorry for yourself, make an effort and steer the convo a little to find common ground, that is what socialising is about after all..

The Corinthian

Goats Gruff wrote: »

How do I make this better...not for me but my partner?

You can learn a little about their interests - just enough to be able to bluff a basic conversation whenever you're out with them. Or you can try and find whether you have any common ground with them - TV shows, movies, career interests, etc. - for the same purposes. Ask your partner for suggestions.

Ultimately, you don't really have much in common with them and under normal circumstances wouldn't be friends with them - and vice versa. It's not unusual that someone will not get on with the friends of their partner though; after all, they're her friends, not yours, and it is a bit optimistic to think that everyone can get on with everyone else in life.

Nonetheless, I think it commendable that both of you are making such and effort and looking out for each other.

username123 wrote: »

Do you look down on them a bit because you feel you are more intellectual than them?

In Ireland, in particular, you'll get the opposite, I find. Because someone is more 'intellectual', they'll be looked down on and ostracised through a bizarre form of inverted snobbery. Indeed, the presumption that he looks down on them (he never suggested he did) is a hallmark of this attitude.

Ireland's the only country I've ever been in where you can put a person down for using words that are too 'highbrow' - "Jeazus, did you swallow a dictionary?"

skyfall2012

You have limited options here and they are to; not go out with these people; watch a few games so that when you meet them you too will be able to join in the conversation (I have tried this and it can be quiet enjoyable if you have seen the game); as the above poster suggested find a common ground. Thing is, you need to be proactive in trying to make the night enjoyable and you may be pleasantly surprised, you may all find a new appreciation for one another. Good luck OP

username123

The Corinthian wrote: »

Indeed, the presumption that he looks down on them (he never suggested he did) is a hallmark of this attitude.

Asking a question is not making a presumption.

The Corinthian

username123 wrote: »

Asking a question is not making a presumption.

Your question was based on perusing a particular hypothetical scenario. And had he written anything that would indicate that this was a possibility I'd believe you. But he didn't; not even a hint of it.

looksee

Seems to me the main problem was that a couple of people blocked him off by sitting with their backs to him, which is ignorant. Though it is possible that they did not realise he was with the group.

The approach would be to say, as they are sitting down, oh sorry, look I can move over a bit so you can get in and I can talk to you! Even if it is not true (that you can move) you create a bit of kerfuffle so that seats get re-arranged and you are still part of the group. If they say (ignorantly) oh no, we are fine here, then you make a point of getting up and moving to somewhere where you are not walled off.

Having done that though you have to look interested in the discussion, even if you are not, and find the opportunity to take the conversation off on a bit of a tangent with someone who looks equally bemused. If you just sit and look at your phone other people are likely to think, boring person, can't be without his phone for five minutes to talk to people.

RubyWoo83

It is possible to engage in conversation with people with whom you have nothing in common with. Have you ever thought about showing an interest in what the group is discussing? Asking questions? Opening your mind to things you wouldn't normally be interested in?

Being honest, I would have no time for someone who didn't make the effort to engage and it sounds like it's something you do quite regularly. Obviously if you were new to the group I would try to include you but you're an adult and people shouldn't have to be babysitting and making you feel included on an on-going basis.

o1s1n

skyfall2012 wrote: »

watch a few games so that when you meet them you too will be able to join in the conversation (I have tried this and it can be quiet enjoyable if you have seen the game)

I'd be a bit wary of someone doing the above. If the OP has zero interest in sports then they shouldn't waste their free time watching games. I experience the same thing and would never dream of doing that foe the sake of a few conversations.

There are common ground conversation scenarios everyone can use as a starter. Silences and not knowing what to say says more about the OP's conversational skills.

OP - just relax a bit more in these situations amd listen for a point to join. If they do touch on an interest of yours then roll with it and make the conversation interesting so they don't default to football.

mood

username123 wrote: »

Do you look down on them a bit because you feel you are more intellectual than them? Do you like any of them? Do you think any of them like you? I sympathise to a degree because I find sport the most unutterably boring topic of conversation ever - its a foreign language to me - but I have rarely found myself unable to chat about something else to people who are into it.

Surely you can find common ground to talk to them about, films, the state of the economy, Game of Thrones or other tv shows, stuff happening locally, the household tax, etc?

I think you are jumping to conclusions assuming the OP is more intellectual than them. That may OR may not be the case.

OP has your girlfriend ever talked to her friends about this? Do you make an effort to get to know her friends?

kat.mac

My very simplistic answer to this is to just ask questions here and there if the conversation revolves around a topic you're not overly interested in or familiar with. I can be very quiet in unfamiliar company but I've found asking a few questions brings you into the conversation without sounding like you're spoofing on a topic you don't know much about, or sounding like you're trying to force your way into the conversation.

Go forth and converse!

username123

mood wrote: »

I think you are jumping to conclusions assuming the OP is more intellectual than them. That may OR may not be the case.

OP has your girlfriend ever talked to her friends about this? Do you make an effort to get to know her friends?

No, I simply asked him what he thought. I also asked him if he liked them and if he thought they liked him.

The differences he listed suggest that its a case of people interested in sport versus someone interested in more intellectual subjects. If he feels that they are boring as a result then he may be projecting that and they may feel he is looking down on them. He didnt say that he felt superior to them or anything like this, which is why I asked the question. It is not jumping to conclusions to ask a question which might reveal more about the situation.

There is no reason common ground cannot be found. People are people. Some people are more sociable than others. I find sports or chat about "the football" totally boring, but while Im interested in things like philosophy and astronomy, I generally dont talk about that in the pub - there is a middle ground of conversation that can be had with almost anyone. Subjects have already been suggested.

mood

Some of the smartest people I know are also very interested in sports and talk about it a lot in social situations and some of the not so smart people I know constantly talk about things such as economics. That is why I would never make assumption regarding someone's intellect based on what they discuss in a pub.

username123

mood wrote: »

Some of the smartest people I know are also very interested in sports and talk about it a lot in social situations and some of the not so smart people I know constantly talk about things such as economics. That is why I would never make assumption regarding someone's intellect based on what they discuss in a pub.

Which is why I was asked the OP the question I did. If he is making such assumptions it could explain why he is being left in a pub with people sitting with their backs to him.

The Corinthian

username123 wrote: »

The differences he listed suggest that its a case of people interested in sport versus someone interested in more intellectual subjects. If he feels that they are boring as a result then he may be projecting that and they may feel he is looking down on them. He didnt say that he felt superior to them or anything like this, which is why I asked the question. It is not jumping to conclusions to ask a question which might reveal more about the situation.

He's never suggested they are boring, let alone that he is in any way 'superior' - only 'different'. Only you have suggested that he considers himself 'superior', when you asked him if he did.

You've also now suggested that he may 'projecting' this attitude, which either means you do believe that he believes this himself or that the other group has jumped to similar conclusions themselves - which of course presumes they even know what his interests are, which is debatable.

In short, in asking this question, you're introducing this sense of superiority all by yourself; you saw the list of things that interest the group and that interest him, noted that the latter was more 'intellectual' and decided that being more 'intellectual' there must be a possibility that he considers himself superior.

Ironically, they might be doing this too, leading to his exclusion as a result of inverted snobbery, but to suggest, as your question does, that he actually feels this way is completely unfounded based on all evidence here to date.

Big Bag of Chips

username123, The Corinthian and mood - you are all here long enough to know not to drag the thread of topic, by getting into discussion with each other.
Every poster is entitled to pose questions to the OP, to make them think about their situation and give them an outside perspective. Other posters are then entitled to agree or disagree with the different perspective being offered.

But getting into over and back sniping at each other is offering nothing constructive to the thread and certainly not helpful to the OP.

Keep it on topic, keep petty disputes off thread.

Consider this an on thread warning. Any more off topic posting will result in infractions.

Cheers all!
Big Bag of Chips

ongarboy

Generally, socialising and making conversation comes naturally and is quite easy to most as long as they are interested in the topic and have something relevant and interesting to add to the conversation. However, I would think most people will struggle to actively participate in a conversation where they know very little about the subject matter being discussed. This is where I think we need to use additional skills to be included.

I wouldn't recommend sitting through matches that you have no natural interest in just so you have topics for Saturday night. However, you can involve yourself by asking more high level, broad questions and even openly admit your minimal knowledge of sport so that the other participants can adjust the conversation accordingly. I think most people will be some what accommodating. Do not try and pretend you know more than you do as you can usually be caught out this way. You can also sway the conversation to something that appeals to you more without abruptly changing the subject. The key to good communication skills is sensing that the other participants are reciprocating the conversation with you. If the topic is going nowhere, don't force it. Try and introduce generic topical topics that will resonate with a lot of people (property tax, recent Garda shooting, horse burgers etc!)

While it was rather rude to have their backs turned to you, it may not have been done deliberately. If you give off an impression of boredom or aloofness, others will feel that you are not interested in what they have to say and will naturally glide to those that do. Sometimes it might be as simple as not smiling can be what's putting off others. Either way, don't beat yourself up . There are some groups of people we have more in common than others which determines why we are naturally friends with some rather than others. If meeting your OH's friends seem to be a fairly frequent occurrence in your social life, I think you just have to make more of a social effort and step outside your comfort zone a little. Hopefully, once a rapport has been established, it won't then seem like an effort. On the other hand, if you find after a lot of effort that there is still no clicking, then perhaps it's time to choose different people for socialising with.

IrishEyes19

Would it be possible for your GF to properly introduce you for a while or stay where you are just for the first few outings in order to establish you within the group.

mood

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Would it be possible for your GF to properly introduce you for a while or stay where you are just for the first few outings in order to establish you within the group.

Good point. However, OP didn't state if it's a new relationship or not so we don't know if everyone already know he is with the group or not.

Taltos

mood - if you have not done so recently please take some time now to read our charter. If you cannot post inline with the charter or follow mod instruction then please consider not posting, doing otherwise may result in infractions and / or bans.

Thanks
Taltos