Depressed

Question13

Hi

This is the first time I am telling anyone about this. I have been feeling depressed and lonely lately.

I have a good enough life, I am in the final year of my college in Dublin, I have enough money for food and clothes, I am in good health and I like my course and I have good friends and family. But for me there is one think I am missing, I have no one to share my life with.

I am in my early twenties and have been single all my life. I have never had a girlfriend and I am still a virgin. I haven't gotten that far with a woman either.
It might not be that big of a deal to some but of me it is.
What is getting me depressed and feeling lonely lately is the fact that after 3 and half years in college I have never been with a woman. I have let some chances slip away because of my own stupidity.

I have never felt what it is like to be loved/wanted by someone else. I don't know what it is like to be in bed with a woman and spoon her or cuddle with her. I don't know what it is like to fall asleep with her in my arms and listen to her breath in and out or to wake up to someone else in the bed with me. I don't know what it is like to lean my head on a woman's chest and hear her heart beating and hear her breathing in and out. I don't know what it is like to have someone in my arms or hold someones hand. I don't know what it is like to fell needed by someone. I don't know what it is like to do the boyfriend/girlfriend things like go shopping or go to the cinema or have a lazy day. You know all the small and big things you do with a partner.

I do know what it is like to be alone and single all my life. I know what it is like to go to bed on my own and only have my pillow as company. I know what is it like to wake up every morning with the knowledge that no woman is thinking of me specially. I know what it feels like to wake up every morning with no urge or will power to get up. I know what it is like to walk down the street and see people younger than me having relationships. I know what it is like to go out time and time again, try my best and fail. I know what it is like to go to Coppers and fail.

I am nice lad, I don't hurt people or insult people or harm them. I help out when and where I can and I ask for nothing/little in return. If you ask any of my friends about me they would say I always appear with a smile, I am happy and honest. I am a gentleman and never/rarely speak bad of people.

I have asked woman out/to meet me but the answers I get back are either one of the following: 1) They don't like me, 2) They are just out of a relationship and want to stay single, 3) They are with someone else, 4) They only like other women or 5) They don't respond/ignore the question.

I'm not the worst looking lad out there but I'm also not the best looking lad out there.

I know what my "problem" is, that is because I don't drink.

In Ireland these days not many young adults go out and on a night out and not drink. I have even been accused by non-Irish people that I am not Irish because I don't drink. I have said to myself that when I go out, and if a woman fancies me but she is drunk the furthest I would go would be shifting. If you think about it nearly everything in today's culture for young adults involve drinking. I have joined clubs and soc's in college in the hope that I can find someone there but often times after the club/soc they go to the pub and people drink. Even on college nights out normally people goes to someones house for pre-drinking and then go to the club, I am not normally invited because I don't drink and then when I get to the club the majority of people are already drunk. When I told someone that I don't drink they said that they know the reason that I don't drink and that is so I can take advantage of drunk women and all of my friends around me just laughed at said to me they have discovered my secrete. One person also came up to me and told me that I have to drink because they don't trust people who don't drink. To me I don't see the reason behind drinking and my friends have accepted that.

I would like to say my friends are helping me through this but at the moment they don't know all of this (unless they have just read it and still they don't know who is writing this). I want to ask them for help but I don't want to burden them with my issues as they may have issues of there own ( I am writing this for you all because knowing a random stranger having these issues is different and has a different on you than if one of your friends had these issues). I have indirectly "asked" them for help by means cryptic posts on facebook and twitter but it hasn't worked.

What has changed in my mind to tell someone this is that I saw a documentary of Stephen Fry - The secret life of the manic depressive and thought to myself I need to tell someone about this.

In honestly I don't know if there is anything any of you can do apart from try and convince me to hang in there, I will find someone etc but I have been telling myself that all these years and I use to be able to convince myself to believe them, but they have stopped working. I think I am hoping somehow one of my friends will see this and somehow work out it is me.

(P.S. I am not going to commit suicide in case some of you are worried I am)

Dr Sunshine

Question13 wrote: »

Hi
I am nice lad, I don't hurt people or insult people or harm them. I help out when and where I can and I ask for nothing/little in return. If you ask any of my friends about me they would say I always appear with a smile, I am happy and honest. I am a gentleman and never/rarely speak bad of people.

I have asked woman out/to meet me but the answers I get back are either one of the following: 1) They don't like me, 2) They are just out of a relationship and want to stay single, 3) They are with someone else, 4) They only like other women or 5) They don't respond/ignore the question.

I'm not the worst looking lad out there but I'm also not the best looking lad out there.

I know what my "problem" is, that is because I don't drink.

/QUOTE]

Hi OP,
You sound like a nice guy, obviously sensitive, articulate, educated. You have a lot going for you.

As a non-drinker who survived college life I don't think that not drinking is the main problem. Are you just asking women out in pubs/niteclubs?

If you are involved in other activities you may meet someone this way. IMO common interests and a sense of humour are very important.

Ask your friends directly if they can help you by pointing out your good and bad points. You mention how helpful you are, unfortunately a lot of girls seem to like "bad boys". Are you maybe too nice?

BTW if you own a car you will become very popular as the designated driver!

You will meet someone eventually. Hang in there.

Question13

Hi Dr Sunshine

As I said above, I joined different clubs and society in college but no luck.
I have ask different women out, some I have known a while, some I just met and others randomly but not much success.

I have also said that none of my friends know much about this and for the moment they only they will know about this is if they ask me or they come across this.

RossFixxxed

OP, you need to look after yourself first. Seperate how you are feeling, and the fact you single.

If you are feeling down, and too eager to meet someone it is a dreadful combination. You need to work on feeing good about yourself and sorting yourself out and the rest will follow. The harder you keep trying on nights out the more desperate you seem. If you are unhappy or intense it is not going to make the right impression with people you meet / ask out.

I'm not going to tell you to 'hang in there' because frankly that isn't working. I would suggest you talk to a close friend about this. If you don't want to speak to a doctor/councellor/parent etc.

Look, I've been there man, many years ago. It wasn't the women, it sure wasn't being a non-drinker (as I am) or any of that. It was me. I wasn't happy, I wasn't confident, I doubted everything I did and it totally sucked. Once I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin things began to get better. I made more female friends, I met more girls to chat to on nights out and finally met my OH (of 11 years now!). There isn't a secret formula, or a magical way of doing it. If you feel good about yourself it shows, and people are drawn towards cheerful, fun people. Being locked drunk is not necessary for any of it.

You know what you want, but you are going about it the wrong way is all. It's hard to take advice, and you have no clue who I am over the internet, but your current set up isn't working for you why not try something different. Here's some ideas I think may help (keep in mind I don't know you):

Go to the doctor, explain how you are feeling.
Speak to a good, trustworthy friend.
Take up some light exercise (a stroll every day or something).
Find something YOU want to do for YOURSELF (e.g. painting, guitar, games whatever) and follow that with the passion you have for it.
Go on nights out to clubs with your friends and DON'T go on the pull. Concentrate on having fun. Have a silly dancing competition, you'd be surprised how magnetic and charasmatic someone having a great laugh and really enjoying themselves with no self consciousness can be.
Be kind to yourself.
Keep checking in here if you need to chat to people, PI is full of cool, helpful people.
Watch your diet.
Try and have a day you dress yourself up a bit fancier, a nice shirt, clean shave, shower etc and see how it makes you feel.

Most importantly take it slowly and appreciate that things WILL, CAN and DO get better. The change starts with you first then moves outwards. Remember you have a goal in all this!

Best of luck OP.

Question13

Hi RossFixxxed

I am only feeling down recently after many times of been rejected. When I go out I don't always look for someone, I have stop actively looking for a good while and just out for the fun. I am happy with myself and accept my flaws and weaknesses.
I have a good few female friends who all say that I am nice, gentlemanly, honest, I can make make them laugh and any woman would be lucky to be with me, but I can't seem to find any woman to put that to the test.

I have tried almost everything to help but not much success. In college there was some take me out events or speed dating events that were on during SHAG week or other times of the year and I entered them with the intention of hopefully getting someone but also for the laugh and for the fun but for what ever reason almost everyone else who was at them got lucky apart from me.

The other day I asked someone out who I thought liked me but instead of saying yes or no or giving no reply, she just laughs at the way I asked her out.

When I go out there is still a part of me that believes I will get lucky no matter what happened the previous night even though previous experiences says other wise, and to me I have accepted that I will be single and lonely for a while there is still that part of me that believes otherwise and gets hurt almost all the time.

RossFixxxed

Hey, so we've established what you are currently doing isn't working. So now we need to figure out what to do next.

Do you have any female friends?
Have you spoken to a professional about this?
Is this affecting the quality of your day to day life?

It seems to me (and I only have a little to go on, on an online forum) that the two aren't related in the way you think. It may be that you're being down is stopping you from getting dates. Is that possible?

I still think you need to work on YOU first, then move into the dating arena. It could be you are trying to get into a marathon with an injured leg and may be exacerbating the underlying problem.

What do you think about going to a GP and just talking about what's going on? You never know what may be contributing to how you are feeling, from organs to hormones, from just being in a rut to a mental health issue.

There's a lot of avenues to explore, and despite how terrible rejection can feel, the fact you are asking people out is great. Once you are on the mend you KNOW you can do the difficult asking out part.

I'm absolutely sure this can be helped and fixed. It just takes figuring out what steps to take and following up on it. I'm here, and there's lots of great folks on PI here too. We're behind you and will help however we can!

Question13

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Do you have any female friends?

Ya I have plenty of female friends and like I said above they think I am a nice lad, a gentleman etc.

Have you spoken to a professional about this?

Nope as I have said before that I have not told anyone about it.

Is this affecting the quality of your day to day life?

For the most part it isn't.

It seems to me (and I only have a little to go on, on an online forum) that the two aren't related in the way you think. It may be that you're being down is stopping you from getting dates. Is that possible?

I don't show that I am depressed at all outside my bedroom. To the almost everyone, I am a happy lad who is enjoying life and don't complain much. When ever I am out, I am happy and joyful and full of talk etc.

What do you think about going to a GP and just talking about what's going on? You never know what may be contributing to how you are feeling, from organs to hormones, from just being in a rut to a mental health issue.

For me I know the reason I am depressed and that is because I am loosing faith that I will find someone because there is only so many time you can be hit and knocked down and get back up again before you quit.

There's a lot of avenues to explore, and despite how terrible rejection can feel, the fact you are asking people out is great. Once you are on the mend you KNOW you can do the difficult asking out part.

I do feel bad about getting rejected time and time again but in a way I am like bubbles in South Park after he got dumped and he said he loves life, he is sad but at the same time he is really happy that something can make him feel that sad, its like it makes him feel alive. It makes him feel human and the only way he can feel this sad now is if he felt something really good before, so he has to take the bad with the good. So he is feeling a beautiful sadness.

I can see people around me everyday that are happy because they are with someone and I want to feel like that because from what I have seen from my parents, family members, relatives, friends and stangers, even thought you could be on cloud nine and fall to the ground but at least when you finally do find the one they will make you experience more emotion, more love more things than anyone has before

ShowMeTheCash

Hey Buddy,

OK just reading through your thread.
I do not think not drinking is the issue, I think you seem to place a lot of emphasis on it and maybe you shouldn't.

You have said you have asked people out, so it does not seem like you are shy, you will at least give it a go.

Now this might sound harsh but there are two things I do not know and maybe something you need to ask yourself.

1. Are you being realistic in the people you approach? In reality I could probably look at someone and say she would probably not go out with him or he would probably not go out with her... Not in all cases I know there are exceptions to the rule etc... etc... but I think we need to get you in the game first....

2. What is your approach like? You said a girl laughed in your face by the the way that you asked her out, maybe you are coming across a little desperate or blunt or perhaps just weird. No one likes to be put on the spot just off the bat... If I randomly went up to a girl in the bar and said "hey fancy going out next week" i am sure they would think I was weird and probably ignore me.
But if I approached say a girl or girls, introduced myself, nothing too crazy, ask them why they are out, where they are from etc... usually someone if they find you interesting may ask you a question or two and usually the conversation can flow from there... Again usually I put things out there like, I was thinking about going to ..... or I cannot wait to see this movie ..... and have it open that someone might say, yeah I want to see that too or I was thinking about going to that, you can slip in the idea that maybe you might see them their or take a number and say hey I am thinking of going to see that movie if you would like to go....

But anyways... Just something to think about.

The above statement is about spooning and being in love and being needed is very heavy emotional stuff.... This stuff does not happen over night, being intimate with someone at that level takes trust and time spent together, if I am being honest talking about it too soon will scare people off.

Maybe a harsh question, has anyone ever asked you out? You have said you are not the worst looking nor the best... But I would imagine someone would have before now asked you out?

Consider a dating website, at least there you can talk to people that are actually looking to go on a date, as a non drinker you can arrange an activity that is no alcohol driven.

All the best.

Question13

I seem to put a lot of emphasis on it because that is what I can find "wrong" with me. I'm not fat or unintelligent or ugly and the main thing that separates me from all my friends is the drink.

1. Are you being realistic in the people you approach? In reality I could probably look at someone and say she would probably not go out with him or he would probably not go out with her... Not in all cases I know there are exceptions to the rule etc... etc... but I think we need to get you in the game first....

I have asked women who are above my reach or level or what ever you want to call it, but they said know but I have also asked women who are below my level etc but still no luck. I ask the ones who are not in my reach because at one stage I had a chance but i totally missed the chance and it was only after she got a bf that she decides to tell me and so from that the odd time i try.

2. What is your approach like? You said a girl laughed in your face by the the way that you asked her out, maybe you are coming across a little desperate or blunt or perhaps just weird. No one likes to be put on the spot just off the bat... If I randomly went up to a girl in the bar and said "hey fancy going out next week" i am sure they would think I was weird and probably ignore me.
But if I approached say a girl or girls, introduced myself, nothing too crazy, ask them why they are out, where they are from etc... usually someone if they find you interesting may ask you a question or two and usually the conversation can flow from there... Again usually I put things out there like, I was thinking about going to ..... or I cannot wait to see this movie ..... and have it open that someone might say, yeah I want to see that too or I was thinking about going to that, you can slip in the idea that maybe you might see them their or take a number and say hey I am thinking of going to see that movie if you would like to go....

I don't want to put them on the spot so I would ask directly out by text or facebook and say that if you like you can ignore this and we can pretend this never happened and then move on if she says nothing. I would ask them out in person but i just dont want to put them on the spot and make them feel like they have to answer straight away and at least if i ask online and they ignore it then we can both move on and it would be easier to pretend it didn't happen.
The one who laughed at me for how i asked her out, she was just after coming home from a trip and jokily asked her what did you bring me back, and then she said she was going on another trip this week and then i asked her to bring me back something nice and she said she needs to get more bags to bring home some stuff then I asked her ok you know the present could be going to the movies with me sometime and then all she says ha ha are you American with saying movies? I asked her so whats the difference and she never said anything back.

There was one who I went to the movies with a while and things were going great, we were back at my place and then out of no where she said she don't want to do this because I lack the experience and to come back with more experience. The worse thing about that is that she is was two years below me in college.

The above statement is about spooning and being in love and being needed is very heavy emotional stuff.... This stuff does not happen over night, being intimate with someone at that level takes trust and time spent together, if I am being honest talking about it too soon will scare people off.

I know it takes a while and time and trust but it is something that I aim for and I know it will take ages but still something that is helping me keep going.

Maybe a harsh question, has anyone ever asked you out? You have said you are not the worst looking nor the best... But I would imagine someone would have before now asked you out?

Nope, no woman has asked me out before and that is because all of my female friends only see me as a mate and nothing more in part due to me not drinking because they love me on nights out so i can help mind there purse or if some lad is annoying them, they get me to pretend to be there boyfriend.

ShowMeTheCash

OK maybe give the online dating thing a go?

Just a random question, would you hang around more so with the guys or the girls? You say you have a lot of female friends and this pretending to be someones gf to stop guys hitting on them sounds a little weird to me....
(Falls in the the gay best friend stereo type)

Read the book "The game" by Neil Strauss... It might help you in how you speak to women when you are out and about... Also be careful with falling into the friend zone with women who will stand in the way of you getting anywhere with anyone else on a night out.

RossFixxxed

IT IS NOT DRINK!!! For the love of God let that go. I'm a non drinker and it definitely doesn't make a difference.

You are being a doormat holding bags, intervening etc THAT is why in that case. Being drunk isn't going to make women suddenly want your body.

It's down to YOU. YOU are coming across wrong somehow when you are out. I can't say how or what as I don't know you, but I'm 100% sure if you started drinking it would work out the same.

I can see it in your posts, you just shoot everying said to you down and blame it on being a non drinker. I'm a non drinker and it has had NO impact on my meeting my OH are anything of the sort. In nightclubs girls tend to prefer a guy who isn't falling over himself drunk, who can chat and laugh and smile.

I'm willing to bet you come across as too intense, or depressed, or as a nice pal to have with no sexuality or drive to ask someone out. Texting / facebook is a poor substitute to asking someone out. Jokingly refering to going out is a passive aggressive "NICE GUY" trait and just doesn't work. I mean NICE GUY SYNDROME here (not a genuine bloke who is nice).

Your posts are dripping with negativity. I bet that permeates you when you are out too.


I've been blunt here and a bit harsh. I'm doing it to shake you by the shoulders to say WAKE UP, you need to work on changing YOU first. Let go of it's the drink's fault, it's this and that. FIX YOURSELF and the rest follows. I know this from experience.

Stop shooting down people's help and looking for scapegoats.

Look inwards.


Also I doubt you and all your friends have the exact same looks, charm, charisma, sense of humour, cheeky smile, glint in the eyes, dancing ability, silver tongue, laugh, ability to interact with the opposite sex etc. Everyone is different and something like not boozing is not a decider like personality and charisma.