I cant provide the Storybook relationship she wants

UndesirableNo1

Hey folks

Just wondering what everything thinks.

Myself and the other half have been together for four years and have spoken about house, marriage etc.

Everything is great but she is always trying to change the type of person i am and traites i.e she wants me to communicate everything that happens to me back to her and give more commitment(We've been together for four years, what do you call that?, Ive said I want to build a family with her! What do you call that?. I tend to bottle everything up and only tell people what they need to know. I am impulsive but not if its a situation that I cant be. I always look out for her and am not violent.

There are some things about her I would like her to change but i would never ask as i dont think you should dictate a persons traits and plus that was how I met her, so why would I!

She is looking for a perfect storybook relationship and I just cant prov1de this.

Where i am there is little employment and i have been forced to look in a city 2hrs away. This is only a temp measure till something becomes available at home, but there is no support from her. I told her i need to have a job for my independence, but she dosnt understand this :-( She said to me "I dont want to know about your interviews", because it upsets her too much. But that's life today, I'm not going to sponge off her(or anyone).

Any thoughts are appreciated

UDNo1

cantdecide

It's not about you. The only thing about keeping things bottled up is that she can't be sure the extent of your feelings. If there were better communication, she would know when to stop pushing. You have to understand that she's not just concerned about the big headline issues, she needs to know what's going on in your head so that she can feel fully participated in your relationship and learn when things aren't going well in your mind so that these things can be discussed so they don't become insurmountable. I think in this day and age where everyone's life appears filled with uncertainty, to say that 'I'm a bit of a closed book, she just has to accept that' is a bit unreasonable. It's about give and take. She sounds like she is looking for reassurance that things you've said in the past are still the case.

The whole thing about your interviews appears to me to be about the possibility you may move away? If I'm right about this, it just seems like she feels out in the cold and uncertain about whether you are going to stridently do your own thing. Again, it sounds to me that she just needs regular reassurance that she's at the centre of your life and world if it's still the case.

Overheal

Everything is great but she is always trying to change the type of person i am and traites i.e she wants me to communicate everything that happens to me back to her and give more commitment(We've been together for four years, what do you call that?, Ive said I want to build a family with her! What do you call that?

That doesn't seem like a trait so much as it does an issue of trust and intimacy. A trait would seem more like she tries to control the manner in which you laugh, or brush your teeth or if you have bad smoking or drinking habits. It could also be telling your to pick up your laundry, but that's not exactly unreasonable(!)

I tend to bottle everything up and only tell people what they need to know. I am impulsive but not if its a situation that I cant be. I always look out for her and am not violent.

You don't see that as a problem?

In a relationship you both need to be able to connect on an unparalleled level. If it's going to work she needs to know how you think and feel just like you should know how she thinks and feels. Use finances as an example (the same rules are applicable to emotions though): if neither of you communicate, and you never set a budget, you both will end up in a situation where you each try to spend the money you both have and you wind up overspending, living beyond your means, etc. whereas if you communicate effectively you are each together in control of your household finances and should never have to worry about things like crippling debt. If you simply try and keep both your finances separate - well, think about it son: if you were going to just go it alone financially and emotionally (bottling things up), why are you in the relationship at all?

Similarly to overspending: if she doesn't know how you feel, she's going to do things that will just cut you the wrong way, pretty consistently. Until you tell her how you feel about things, how will she know?

There are some things about her I would like her to change but i would never ask as i dont think you should dictate a persons traits and plus that was how I met her, so why would I

Again I don't think its really about that, and it's simply a case of confused terms here. You're in a relationship. You're planning to move in together. You are going to share a welcome mat, a shower, the same roof, bed, windows, and toothbrushes, the same mortgage the same finances and the same children (presumably), so why the hell would your feelings be the one thing you don't share? You have to see how little that makes sense. It's not about control or wanting to take away your privacy of thought, the whole idea behind sharing your feelings is the same thing between sharing anything else: the whole point of life as I see it is to continually better yourself, and what better way is there that to have someone you can trust implicitly to share yourself completely with; someone who can be there to help you keep being a better You, year after year? Do you not have any care for your OH's own thoughts and feelings, or her personal growth? Two people can join finances and will be more prosperous in doing so, surely you can understand too that when you come together on your thoughts and feelings you both become more emotionally stable, and ultimately, happier.

If these ideas seem too foreign to you, it might just be that your relationship doesn't have a long term future.

UndesirableNo1

cantdecide wrote: »

The whole thing about your interviews appears to me to be about the possibility you may move away? If I'm right about this, it just seems like she feels out in the cold and uncertain about whether you are going to stridently do your own thing. Again, it sounds to me that she just needs regular reassurance that she's at the centre of your life and world if it's still the case.

Agreed, and I have assured over and over that it is only temporary that I have a job(anywhere at this point), because unless I do, our plans to get a mortgage cant move on till I'm in employment for six months, Ive already been unemployed for the last year.

I have explained that its all to ensure our long term plans.

In terms of sharing information, its more-so information I would tell no-body, even my mom i.e how I feel about certain people or situations.

I am all for sharing information when we do eventually move in together, and have a family, but as you know, there are some things you will always keep to yourself.

I just don't know how I can re-assure her anymore than I already have.

rainbowtrout

UndesirableNo1 wrote: »

I have explained that its all to ensure our long term plans.

In terms of sharing information, its more-so information I would tell no-body, even my mom i.e how I feel about certain people or situations.

I am all for sharing information when we do eventually move in together, and have a family, but as you know, there are some things you will always keep to yourself.

She doesn't see it that way. You won't tell her how you feel about certain people or situations, why won't you share that opinion with her and trust her to keep it to herself? That is part of what being in a relationship is about. Why will it all change when you move in together? Currently you are asking a women to move in with you and share her life with you when you won't let her know how you feel about people and things going on in your life.

I'd hate to be in a relationship where after four years where my partner didn't feel he couldn't trust me with information and drip fed me scraps as and when he saw fit, in your case after she's made a huge commitment to you without perhaps knowing the real you.

You keep employees on a need to know basis, you don't keep your life partner on the same level surely?