Ways to interact and make friends?

LegacyUser

Okay, I don't drink. Much. I'd take an odd beer every now and again but it is not a big thing to me. I have nothign against pubs etc and regularly used to enjoy them when I had friends.

However, now I'm in a positin where my friends are all married with kids and out of the social scene. And so am I by proxy.

They don't even text me now unless I initiate the text conversation.

I've tried numerous things in order to get into a new social circle, but there is no success. I try night classes, gym classes, but all to no avail.

I can't seem to find a way to make friends. I am alone most of my time outside of work. I go to gym and train alone. I go to movies alone.

I am interested in fitness - weights etc, but I have little or no interst in competitive or team sports.

I sit in at the weekends as I have no one to go to pubs with. Nor do I have places to go alone.

I don't drink much as I prefer not to drink in house, only when out.

I think I am a friendly, if quiet person. Probably seem a bit distant and aloof at times - due to my mind and thoughts wandering - a bit of a day dreamer...

So, I'm not reached the 1/2 way point in life with zero social life (apart from Work Xmas meal), no friends, no GF, and basically nothing to look forward to.

I did try volunteering once, but I found I was there with the wrong motive and didn't enjoy it. Actually hated it so quit.

How or what can I do to get myself out there and meeting people - I have wasted a large portion of my life trying to do things the traditional way, but it has not worked.

skyfall2012

I am speaking as a person who is married and has children. My social life came to a stand still, when I had children and I was sooo busy that I couldn't get my head around organising to go out, but when a friend text me to meet up I would focus my mind on organising myself to make that date. I had to apologise to my friends for not contacting them and explain why, because I got the vibe, they understand and always let me know when they are going out and I try to make it if I can.

My advise for you here is don't give up on your old friends, they haven't given up on you, their lives have just got very complicated.

LegacyUser

TBH my friends are of no real consequence now. There are deeper issues which I need to resolve.

They were never really my friends - it was a social circle that I fell into and through one member and as they paired off and went to work in different towns and cities the group dissolved.

However, by this stage they were all paired up, except me.

I'm now in my mid 30's and a virgin with no real prospect of having a relationship with a girl. I have never even been on a date with a girl. I just can't see how to change this.

The lack of friends that I have mean that I have not been out socially regularly for a number of years now. Prior to that I when I did go out I hid behind drink, letting on that I was too drunk to chat to a girl.

I always thought that somehow things would right itself somewhere down the line, but it hasn't. I thought that by this stage I'd be married and having or thinking about a family. However, I'm nowhere near that. Couldn't be further from it if possible.

The thing is, I have missed out on the dating scene. Experimenting. Finding out your likes and dislikes. I think it would be equally bad to just settle down with the first person to come along.

I want to get out have fun and to enjoy the dating scene. However, I'm in my mid 30's. No own property. No friends (as such). No social life. Doesn't make me sound like much, does it?

It puts me almost into the realm of the undateables.

So, I don't know what to do with myself. Online dating scares me as I'm from a small town and I really don't want and knowledge of this to get back home. I know I should say who cares, but as someone who has been outside of the norm all my life, I desparately try to avoid it now.

I work strange hours at work. I go to gym in evening, so I usually end up at in the place I live for only 1 - 2 hours in the evening prior to bedtime. I don't go out during the week. I have no real interests and tend to keep to mysel - a bit of a loner. Although, if you knew me, I don't think you'd would realise this about me.

I'm getting quite down about this all now. Not quite suicidal but I do feel down. I see facebook posts from people having a great time, media articles about people enjoying life etc. I know this can be fake and all a front, but it still affects me.

I don't go on holidays any more, as I am fed up going solo on trips. I tried group tours but felt too old for the group and the trip options didn't appeal to me.

I just don't see where the fun in life lies for me. I feel unloved, unwanted and resentful of other peoples professional and personal successes.

I have tried to fix my life before, but I just can't do anything about it. Why me?

skyfall2012

There are deeper issues which I need to resolve.

I'm now in my mid 30's and a virgin with no real prospect of having a relationship with a girl.

People are so afraid of being a virgin, there is nothing wrong with it, it is not a disease.

I think it would be equally bad to just settle down with the first person to come along.

Not sure what to say to this, why not, if you make each other happy.

It puts me almost into the realm of the undateables.

If you lack self confidence and are afraid to talk to women, this makes it impossible for people to date you, you don't give them the opportunity to get to know you.

My advise, work on your self esteem, a few self help books might help you to start thinking in the right way. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start changing the things in your life that you feel need changing. Pick someone who you admire and ask yourself how they think about themselves and why and try to emulate them.

I think autobiography's of people you admire are a great place to start. Hope this helps, good luck OP.

Take drugs.

BBDBB

I agree with the advice re the self esteem

one thing struck me about your question and your second post

for me, making friends is about taking an interest in what other people do/say/think, listening to them and probing those answers, even just casual conversations

your post seems very introspective, even for someone who is sharing their story, I may be wrong, it was just an impression I gained. However if it is significant to you Id say your focus would need to be turned outward to others and less inward to yourself

good luck

Taltos

Can I remind folk not only to read our charter but also the site faq.
Suggesting forbidden topics, or illegal activities is strictly forbidden.

paddyg91 - taking a one month break. Please read our charter and site faq on your return, posts of a similar nature can result in a permanent removal of your posting rights.

Taltos

Lorna123

OP, there is a great site on the net called Meetup.com and there are 190 groups on that site that anyone can join to do things with. I would strongly advise you to look this up. It is all there for you if you just take the first step and join. Best of Luck with this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Like I said this has been going on now for years...

Meetup. Yes, I've have looked at this and signed up to it. However, there was nothing of interest to me in it anywhere near where I live. However, I am doing a night class at my local tech, if that is any consolation.

I am interested in fitness generally and want to bulk up. My hours at work vary so I can't really commit to going to a boxing class. Although that is probably just an excuse....

BBDBB - I'm not sure what you mean.

Sorry guys that I can't reply in much more detail tonight, but I'm tired and a bit fed at the minute. However, I thank you for replying. It is nice that you take the time to do so and I hope this poor reply dsoes not put you off further posting!

light_gets_in

Think you need to break your goals up into smaller steps to make them more manageable. Dating might be easier if you made a couple of good friends first, and making friends might become easier if you widen the circle of people that you meet, by doing things that are outside of the norm for you. The meetup groups are a good option or look in your local paper for events / classes that you might be interested in. Counselling might be a good option also.

BBDBB

m_f_3 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Like I said this has been going on now for years...

Meetup. Yes, I've have looked at this and signed up to it. However, there was nothing of interest to me in it anywhere near where I live. However, I am doing a night class at my local tech, if that is any consolation.

I am interested in fitness generally and want to bulk up. My hours at work vary so I can't really commit to going to a boxing class. Although that is probably just an excuse....

BBDBB - I'm not sure what you mean.

Sorry guys that I can't reply in much more detail tonight, but I'm tired and a bit fed at the minute. However, I thank you for replying. It is nice that you take the time to do so and I hope this poor reply dsoes not put you off further posting!

my apologies for not being clear

let me try again,

your posts describing your feelings seemed very introspective, ie focused upon your own feelings, actions etc. The balance was very much about you. In my experience the way to make friends is to take a genuine interest in getting to know other people, how they think/feel about subjects, their likes and dislikes and probing why they think/feel that.

Im just wondering if the reason you are struggling is you are focusing too much on how you see your situation. Just relax, put a smile on and go socialise but make yourself take an interest in other people and consider it a personal challenge to get to know a few people a little better (you are unlikely to bond instantly and be best mates for life) so be realistic and just build a friendship by starting witha few easy conversations and buiild up

skyfall2012

The introspective point is a very important point, this can often be the reason why people are not getting on in the world and making friends. I describe it as been at the centre of the universe and only understanding how the world affects you and very little understanding or interest on how the world affects others.

As a result the conversation is always about you, even your last post, your apologising for not putting effort into your post because you are tired. But everyone who has read your story has put effort into replying in a way that may be helpful to you and we don't even know you.

We show you respect, interest and that we care by taking time out of our lives to reply to your post. Now, if I am on the right track, this might not be an easy pill to swallow, so please don't take offence, but really try to consider what I and BBDBB are trying to convey. It won't make any difference to us if you don't take our advise, but it could make a big difference to you. Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. Some food for thought here so I'll try to repsond as best I can.

light_gets_in wrote: »

Dating might be easier if you made a couple of good friends first, and making friends might become easier if you widen the circle of people that you meet, by doing things that are outside of the norm for you.

I know quite afew people at the gym, work etc. But everyon goes their own ways outside of these areas and I find it frustrating that this happens. I am quite chatty and at the gym every evening I have conversations with 2 - 3 people. Usually just run of the mill stuff about what are you doing tonight? Busy, aint it? What does that exercise do for you? Did you try doiong it this way? Fitness programmes on TV, cycling, weather, allsorts However, these are links that only seem to hold inside the gym.
At work everyone is married or loved up, so socialising is difficult. I've recently tried to organise a few nights out, but people are unable to commit or can't 'get a pass for the night'.

The meetup groups are a good option or look in your local paper for events / classes that you might be interested in.

As i said previously, I have looked at MeetUp in the past year. There was nothing of interest to me in my region. So, i've knocked that on the head. Although i might take another look on there incase there is something new popped up in the intervening time.

Counselling might be a good option also.

Already on the list. Was meant to see one, but it was a guy whereas I'd be more confortable talking about my issues with a female so I asked for another counsellor.

your posts describing your feelings seemed very introspective, ie focused upon your own feelings, actions etc. The balance was very much about you. In my experience the way to make friends is to take a genuine interest in getting to know other people, how they think/feel about subjects, their likes and dislikes and probing why they think/feel that.

I do do that - see above about the gym. I do take a genuine interest. Although I remember once when out a girl 'complained' that as I was the single one in the group why was I so quiet or disinterested (not quite worded like that, but it was in that vein). On another occassion another girl said don't worry I'll go now. I wasn't wanting her to go. The conversation had drifted away from as my attention was caught by something else and when I tried to get back into the conversation I was lost and the subject matter was something I knew nothing about so didn't have confidence to join in.
Plus, I also enjoy people watching - just standing taking in the surroundings and watching others. This might have been taken as being offish, but it wasn't really.
Although i could probably see why she thought that.

Im just wondering if the reason you are struggling is you are focusing too much on how you see your situation. Just relax, put a smile on and go socialise but make yourself take an interest in other people and consider it a personal challenge to get to know a few people a little better (you are unlikely to bond instantly and be best mates for life) so be realistic and just build a friendship by starting witha few easy conversations and buiild up

I see what you are saying. I do try that. Although I do get frustrated regularly when my effort is not returned. I have more down days than up days.

As a result the conversation is always about you, even your last post, your apologising for not putting effort into your post because you are tired. But everyone who has read your story has put effort into replying in a way that may be helpful to you and we don't even know you.

Hopefully I've rectified that tonight. I was tired and frustrated by it all last night. I am still tonight, but going through all replies one by one to show my appreciation for the time spend by you all posting.

We show you respect, interest and that we care by taking time out of our lives to reply to your post. Now, if I am on the right track, this might not be an easy pill to swallow, so please don't take offence, but really try to consider what I and BBDBB are trying to convey. It won't make any difference to us if you don't take our advise, but it could make a big difference to you.

I don't take offence. I think I know what you are saying. In that my posts seem to be centered around myself and that I must be like that in real life. In real life I'm probably not like that, I think anyway... I don't speak much about myself or my life. I prefer to let the others lead the conversation and interject or ask questions. In part this may be part of my problem in that people think my life is rosy and don't put in any effort with me as they think it is fine as is. However, I don't want to tell people my problems in the hope that they take me into their group. That seems unhealthy to me. I prefer to deal with this on my own and with places like here for support.

I don't think anyone knows of my problems inside my family or 'friends' or otherwise. I really don't talk about myself as I feel that I have nothing to offer the conversation so I'm not really sure that I protray in real life mysel at the centre of the world.

I always place myself at the bottom and let others bring me to the top. A bit like the bibilical story:

But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests.

Hopefully, I've not misunderstood your and BBDBB posts. If so sorry. I hope you are not tearing your hair out reading this. Although, I think the last part above might raise some eyebrows, but that is me, currently.

Good luck OP.

Thanks - I need it.

noiniho

Hi,

If you are into fitness then why not try a wall climbing class if you have access to one? It is a good way to meet people of an 8-10 week course and you get paired off with someone as you climb, take the course a good few times and then become a member of the club?

Try to change jobs, aim for a larger workplace with a social club and become a member of the committee?

Try a few new sports that are club oriented, not a field sport if that doesn't suit because it may be hard to pick up something like that, but orienteering, sailing, hill walking and hiking.... These classes are unisex as well which may suit you better...

Go with the attitude that you are trying to first off enjoy it as a new hobby, and the social aspect will follow, don't get apprehensive or disappointed if it doesn't happen straight away

ConfusedBuyer

Why don't u try boards meet up? Im a billy no mates too. But i do have a son and ive learned that family is what u need. People let u down me thinks!!!

2rkehij30qtza5

I am just going to throw out some ideas for you guys to possibly try out to make some friends/social lives...these ideas are not based all on my own experiences but I do know some people who did these things and ended up making friends from them:

1. Skiing holiday in a group as a solo individual. There are plenty of 30+ only groups...one of my friends is just back from one in France and although she was so nervous going she had an absolute blast and has made some friends. Infact she was out last night with a few of them. Skiing is ideal as you are 'on your own' in your ability group once you get there, whether you go with friends or not!

2. College course...try a diploma or something in a language where you have to interact with conversational skills. Again, I know people who have made great social lives from part-taking in something like this!

3. I see Boards.ie have regular meetups..try one of them?

4. Try a hobby - join a creative writing workshop, pottery class, some kind of art class?

To be honest i would say a lot of people join classes and courses for two reasons- 1. To learn the thing they have signed up to and 2. To make friends.

That's what I would do anyway if I were you. You are not going to make friends sitting indoors and people are not going to come to you. You must get out there & join up to things. That's really the only way. Or start texting old friends and asking them out for a night. Or you could throw a party and ask a bunch of people along?

LegacyUser

ConfusedBuyer wrote: »

Why don't u try boards meet up? Im a billy no mates too. But i do have a son and ive learned that family is what u need. People let u down me thinks!!!

Hmmm, maybe. Never seen any in Belfast. Feels a bit wierd too - like a bunch of internet nerds convention. I know it wouldn't be but that is what people from internet meeting up seems like to me.

1. Skiing holiday in a group as a solo individual. There are plenty of 30+ only groups...one of my friends is just back from one in France and although she was so nervous going she had an absolute blast and has made some friends. Infact she was out last night with a few of them. Skiing is ideal as you are 'on your own' in your ability group once you get there, whether you go with friends or not!

Too late for this year. I did regularly go on group holidays such as Intrepid or Tucan. However, I felt I outgrew the groups and holiday solo now.

2. College course...try a diploma or something in a language where you have to interact with conversational skills. Again, I know people who have made great social lives from part-taking in something like this!

Already started one

3. I see Boards.ie have regular meetups..try one of them?

i'll think about it, see above response...

4. Try a hobby - join a creative writing workshop, pottery class, some kind of art class?

I never really seem to have time for hobbies. My work hours are wonky so I usually work from 9 - 7:30pm. by time I get dinner and relax for a while it is bed time. Time management is one of my major failings...

To be honest i would say a lot of people join classes and courses for two reasons- 1. To learn the thing they have signed up to and 2. To make friends.

Do you reckon - I've not met anyone on numerous classes who seem to be there to make friendss. Although maybe I give off bad vibes which stop them opening up.

That's what I would do anyway if I were you. You are not going to make friends sitting indoors and people are not going to come to you. You must get out there & join up to things. That's really the only way.

Totally correct and this is the most cutting thing said to me yet. I am so disorganised that I am unable to give myself the time to do anything. I love the gym and spend 4 evenings per week there. It relaxes me and takes my mind of things doing weight training. Plus it keeps me in shape.
It has been said to me many times before that no one is going to come to me and that I must get out. I just make things really hard for myself with my lifestyle at present. I don't want to give up the gym as I like it so much. I just can't see how to fit anything else into my life though due to work and gym.

Gonna have to think about this a bit more. I wonder how other serious trainers manage???

2rkehij30qtza5

To be honest it's almost like you are trying to convince yourself that you haven't the time, spend too much time at the gym, work too long etc to make friends.

In response to your post there where you quoted my previous post to you...:

Yes, I do think that a lot of people join courses to make friends. I joined a course a while ago and even though I joined to learn the subject matter, the course director asked everyone to stand up and give reasons as to why they wanted to do the course...about 70% of participants stated 'to make friends' as one of the reasons.

Secondly, you say you go to the gym 4 times a week. So what about the other 3 nights????? They are free for you to be available to socialise, yes???

You work til 7.30pm...that's not THAT late. Heck I often work way longer than that and still manage to squeeze in a drink or coffee after with a friend. And I bet you have at least one or two days off a week too.

See, I shouldn't even have to be saying these things to you. For every suggestion I made you had a response as to why you don't have the time, energy, interest etc to get out there and be more sociable. You kind of turned the positive suggestions into negative ones.

As for the skiing....how in the name of God is it too late?? My sister is off skiing in a month's time and it's not too late then!!!! The friend I spoke of in my previous post is 38,., she has hardly 'outgrown' skiing holidays!!!! And I never knew these types of holidays were to be outgrown!!....I know of men in their 70's whose wives have passed on who go on group holidays by themselves. You are just making excuses.

Being honest, you have every excuse in the book. If you really wanted to make friends then you would MAKE THE TIME. It's not like you have an action-packed life other than work or the gym so as far as I can see you have tonnes of time.

I don't see why you don't just get a hobby or try something new. If you don't like it, well, at least you tried it and you might have made a few friends or acquaintances from it. Take up a language class where you have to converse with others for example.

As I said before, nobody is going to ring your doorbell asking you to be their friend.

If you want to make friends then you have to stop making excuses, put yourself out there and stop over-thinking things and over-caring how people perceive you. Yes it's daunting but if you persevere then you WILL make friends. It's the only way. And you need to stop the excuses...think POSITIVELY and embrace all the suggestions everyone gave you. Try them all out...lots won't work out but some will and you might actually have fun along the way...it'll broaden your horizons if nothing else.

santana75

Graham Tall Duckling wrote: »

I am just going to throw out some ideas for you guys to possibly try out to make some friends/social lives...these ideas are not based all on my own experiences :

I know you mean well but the above stands out like a sore thumb for me. You're giving the OP advice thats not based on direct experience. You cant advise someone do do something unless you yourself have A) been in the same postion and have actually tried the things you're recommending. I mean how many ski holidays have you been on by yourself?
Op I undersatnd your dilemma, it sounds like as much a logistical problem as anything else. If you enjoy the gym then dont give it up. People do seem to be sorted in the friends dept so night courses, clubs and the like arent the goldmines of social interaction they're cracked up to be.
My advice is to think about what you like to do and then set about doing it. I mean if you like the gym why not get yourself in great nick and enter a bodybuliding contest. Its as good a pursuit as anything else.

2rkehij30qtza5

santana75 wrote: »

I know you mean well but the above stands out like a sore thumb for me. You're giving the OP advice thats not based on direct experience. You cant advise someone do do something unless you yourself have A) been in the same postion and have actually tried the things you're recommending. I mean how many ski holidays have you been on by yourself?
Op I undersatnd your dilemma, it sounds like as much a logistical problem as anything else. If you enjoy the gym then dont give it up. People do seem to be sorted in the friends dept so night courses, clubs and the like arent the goldmines of social interaction they're cracked up to be.
My advice is to think about what you like to do and then set about doing it. I mean if you like the gym why not get yourself in great nick and enter a bodybuliding contest. Its as good a pursuit as anything else.

I said not ALL experiences are my own...for example the skiing experience was my friend's experience. My friend made new friends from going skiing. That's a fact. Not something I made up.

I never let on that none of the advice is from my own experience!!! Of course some of it is from my own experience.

I have made friends through classes and courses. I have made friends through volunteer work and in part-taking in hobbies, especially sporting hobbies.

"These ideas are not based ALL on my own experiences" is what I said, indicating that some ideas ARE indeed based on my own experiences!!!!

face1990

OP, I don't think you should write off dating sites completely. They can be a great way to meet new people, even if it doesn't work out as a romantic relationship you can end up making some good friends (who in turn can introduce you to more friends).
You say you don't want to as you live in a small town and don't want word getting round? Everyone who's on the site is in the same boat, and there's no shame in online dating, it's becoming increasingly commonplace.

Also, if you really want to improve your situation you can't allow what other people might think to dictate your life. Who do you want to make happy, yourself or the other people in your town? Fúck them!

On a final note, not every group or activity will lead to new friends, but the more you try (and the more different groups you meet with) the more chance they will.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Graham Tall Duckling wrote: »

To be honest it's almost like you are trying to convince yourself that you haven't the time, spend too much time at the gym, work too long etc to make friends.

Quite possibly. I used to be quite organised, but now I'm a bit scattered. I've got into a rut and that is not helping matters. I spend too long at the gym because I don't have anything to go home for. So I take my time and chat to people there.
I work long hours because I've nothing else to do. Previously, when there was plenty of work I would stay late for the extra money and save for a house. I sort of have become first name on the sheet by default for doing extra work. It is now expected of me. I get good pay, so it can be hard to turn down my boss saying as I got fair rewards for my effort. Plus there is nothing to go home for, so I stay and work/chat with the other employee's.

Yes, I do think that a lot of people join courses to make friends. I joined a course a while ago and even though I joined to learn the subject matter, the course director asked everyone to stand up and give reasons as to why they wanted to do the course...about 70% of participants stated 'to make friends' as one of the reasons.

I really, truely thank you for staying with me on this thread, but i have to say my experience is otherwise. I've been on language courses and other types of courses from recreational to educational and everyone on these tend to shoot off home as soon as the class ends.

Secondly, you say you go to the gym 4 times a week. So what about the other 3 nights????? They are free for you to be available to socialise, yes???

One evening is a night class. Another - Sunday is travelling to my weekday accommodation for work. Saturday evening I sit in and watch TV/relax/cry/contemplate as I have no friends to socialise with. Also, at weekends I go home to my parents farm as I am currently living in shared accommodation - the house is clean, tidy and quiet. This is something i have wanted for a long time and don't want to give up even though the housemates all keep to themselves in their rooms.

You work til 7.30pm...that's not THAT late. Heck I often work way longer than that and still manage to squeeze in a drink or coffee after with a friend. And I bet you have at least one or two days off a week too.

Yes, work to 7:30. Go to gym. Go home and cook & eat dinner. Once all that is done, it is almost bedtime once again. Sorry, I do realise that I am shooting down everything you say. I am acutely aware of this and I realise it is part of my problems and something I must resolve. Sorry for being like this, but I can't seem to help it. Sorry.

See, I shouldn't even have to be saying these things to you. For every suggestion I made you had a response as to why you don't have the time, energy, interest etc to get out there and be more sociable. You kind of turned the positive suggestions into negative ones.

Yes, I even wrote my above paragraph for your previous quote without even reading the above quote! I know this is a major problem I have. I have known this for years now. However, knowing about it is one thing, but doing something to resolve is something else. If anyone knows how I can turn this around, please let me know! I don't want to be like this, but this is me, now.

As for the skiing....how in the name of God is it too late?? My sister is off skiing in a month's time and it's not too late then!!!! The friend I spoke of in my previous post is 38,., she has hardly 'outgrown' skiing holidays!!!! And I never knew these types of holidays were to be outgrown!!....I know of men in their 70's whose wives have passed on who go on group holidays by themselves. You are just making excuses.

Not making excuses. Wel I am but. Arghhh I'm frustrated with myself here. I know you are right, but it makes me angry that I can't do this. As an aside I have been on numerous trips on my own to far flung countries. The reason I say it is too late this year is that i've not practiced on the dry slopes here. I have not researched where is best to go or booked time off work. etc. It is not that I didn't want to go.

Being honest, you have every excuse in the book.

I presume that's not a compliment

If you really wanted to make friends then you would MAKE THE TIME. It's not like you have an action-packed life other than work or the gym so as far as I can see you have tonnes of time.

Yes, you are correct and as I said above in one of my inital paragraghs I got into this rut because of having no friends and I just struggle to get out of it. No one in my family is active so it just seems unnatural to me to be going out all the time.

I don't see why you don't just get a hobby or try something new. If you don't like it, well, at least you tried it and you might have made a few friends or acquaintances from it. Take up a language class where you have to converse with others for example.

I have thought about hobbies. But i have no real interests. I am a boring dull person. I get up, go to work, go to gym, eat dinner go to bed and repat. That is my life - the life of a boring person. I have no real interests outside of the gym. I attend classes there, chat to people, keep fit and it keeps me alert. Outside of this, I don't really drink, don't watch football much, nor GAA, sometimes watch rugby on telly. I am ambivilent towards music. I like movies, but apart from watching them (which I sometimes do on my own if there is something on I want to see) the thought joining a movie club to sit and discuss them is not my scene. Also the thought of joingin agroup to go and watch a movie is also weird to me. I don't know if I need others to be there to enjoy it. It can easily be a solo activity.

As I said before, nobody is going to ring your doorbell asking you to be their friend.

I know this only too well.

If you want to make friends then you have to stop making excuses, put yourself out there and stop over-thinking things and over-caring how people perceive you. Yes it's daunting but if you persevere then you WILL make friends. It's the only way. And you need to stop the excuses...think POSITIVELY and embrace all the suggestions everyone gave you. Try them all out...lots won't work out but some will and you might actually have fun along the way...it'll broaden your horizons if nothing else.

Thanks for sticking with me. I really appreciate your replies. It forces me to think about what I am doing and what I need to do. Whether I will/can change things around is my problem but hopefully I will try to do something before it is too late, if that point has not already been and gone...



Santana75

Op I undersatnd your dilemma, it sounds like as much a logistical problem as anything else. If you enjoy the gym then dont give it up. People do seem to be sorted in the friends dept so night courses, clubs and the like arent the goldmines of social interaction they're cracked up to be.

It is partly logistical and partly laziness/scaredness to do anything about it.

My advice is to think about what you like to do and then set about doing it. I mean if you like the gym why not get yourself in great nick and enter a bodybuliding contest. Its as good a pursuit as anything else.

I'll definitely keep this up as I enjoy it. I just need to tweak things in order to be more efficient at the gym and free up some more time in evenings. I'll have to do the same with work too.


Face1990

OP, I don't think you should write off dating sites completely. They can be a great way to meet new people, even if it doesn't work out as a romantic relationship you can end up making some good friends (who in turn can introduce you to more friends).
You say you don't want to as you live in a small town and don't want word getting round? Everyone who's on the site is in the same boat, and there's no shame in online dating, it's becoming increasingly commonplace.

I'll think about it, but TBH I've got bigger issues which need resolving before I can put myself out there I think. I hope my counsellor is a good one...

Also, if you really want to improve your situation you can't allow what other people might think to dictate your life. Who do you want to make happy, yourself or the other people in your town? Fúck them!

Yes, you are correct. However, small town gossip and suchlike can be really hurtful and damaging.

On a final note, not every group or activity will lead to new friends, but the more you try (and the more different groups you meet with) the more chance they will.

Nearly every year, I do some type of course. I keeping trying, but there has never even been a sniff of anyone being there for anything like friendship.

LegacyUser

I've been sitting here thinking about what to do with myself. I've stil not go my referral for the counselling. I hope that by askign for a change of counsellor I've not shot myself in the foot here:(

I know I need to be better a time management and hopefully this will resolve some of the lack of free time that I have. however, I sit and surf most nights and evenigns in work so I know that by cutting this out, it would give me some extra few hours each day.

I doubt that at my age I'll ever have genuine friends again my life. Nor do I expect to have a family. I just want to look forward to weekends. I love my family, but sitting in with your elderly parents watching Brendan O'Carroll on a Saturday night is demoralising to the extreme.

Lacking in looks and lacking in friends is tough. Losing my hair and youth without having lived a life is tough, really tough for me. I appreciate others have worse issues, but these are my issues.

I'm just sick of being a failure who can't sort my life out.

It is hard not to feel down and sorry for myself. I am trying. The replies have given me food for thought. I just don't know if I have the strength and will power to do anything about them.

light_gets_in

Hi OP, I hope you can motivate yourself enough to try out some of the suggestions here, even ones that you feel are not the solution...think you need to move outside of your comfort zone a bit. Hopefully the counselling will help...If you're feeling so down that you can't motivate yourself to make any changes maybe consider asking your GP re antidepressants. Or there are support groups for people with depression, e.g. Aware etc.
By the way you're not a failure...You're holding down a job, get on OK with your family, and are keeping yourself fit and healthy...You need to be kinder to yourself!
Best of luck

JuliusCaesar

m_f_3 wrote: »

Meetup. Yes, I've have looked at this and signed up to it. However, there was nothing of interest to me in it anywhere near where I live.

You could START a MeetUp on something you find interesting, or just one of those that go for drinks one night, dinner another, a walk or film another day - etc. A Single People In My Area MeetUp. Announce the first meeting and recruit a couple to help organise events. Look at what other groups are doing.

m_f_5 wrote: »

I know it wouldn't be but that is what people from internet meeting up seems like to me.

Time management is one of my major failings...

I just make things really hard for myself with my lifestyle at present. I don't want to give up the gym as I like it so much. I just can't see how to fit anything else into my life though due to work and gym.

I wonder how other serious trainers manage???

It seems to me you seem to have a bit of a "yes, but" attitude to suggestions: you acknowledge the suggestions are good, but you don't really want to make any changes to your life. If you REALLY REALLY wanted to meet more people, you would make time to do so - either by getting more organised, or dropping one gym night. Are you prepared to invest in the rest of your life by finding and making friends, or is it actually easier for you to stay as you are and complain about the lack of friends? Is there some reason (like nervousness) that you aren't doing the things you need to do, to get to know people?

(Most people will tell you evening classes and gym are useless for getting to know people.Ask everyone how they got to know their friends - school, work, longer courses, shared activities - not solitary activities that people do and then go home from)

Sorry if I'm harsh, but I think you need to acknowledge that thinking about change won't do anything, unless you're prepared to follow through and not just give excuses.

LegacyUser

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

You could START a MeetUp on something you find interesting, or just one of those that go for drinks one night, dinner another, a walk or film another day - etc. A Single People In My Area MeetUp. Announce the first meeting and recruit a couple to help organise events. Look at what other groups are doing.

Sorry, I'm not interested in running a group. My time management is crap as it is, so running a group is out of the question for me. Also, I've got no real interests worthy of a group.


[quoteIt seems to me you seem to have a bit of a "yes, but" attitude to suggestions: you acknowledge the suggestions are good, but you don't really want to make any changes to your life.[/quote]

Yes, I readily agree with this. Not sure why I do it, but I do accept that is a fiar and correct observation.

Are you prepared to invest in the rest of your life by finding and making friends, or is it actually easier for you to stay as you are and complain about the lack of friends?

I don't know how to answer this. I want to invest in my future, but for some reason the effort required to make friends is too much for me. I don't think it is laziness as I am an active person. It might be due to conditioning by parents who do not socialise. I don't know. I really don't know.

Is there some reason (like nervousness) that you aren't doing the things you need to do, to get to know people?

I am shy when in groups or with new people. My conversation skills are poor (imo). Like my parents I tend to avoid putting myself out there.

(Most people will tell you evening classes and gym are useless for getting to know people.Ask everyone how they got to know their friends - school, work, longer courses, shared activities - not solitary activities that people do and then go home from)

Yes, I find the evening classes are like this too. However, it gets me out of the house.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but I think you need to acknowledge that thinking about change won't do anything, unless you're prepared to follow through and not just give excuses.

No, I appreciate your honesty. I don't want or expect anyone to sugar coat it for me. I know I give plenty of excuses for bypassing things. I don't know why but I do. I'm not really a team games type of person. Maybe I got shouted at when I was playing football at school when I was a kid!
I know I need to do something, but I honestly do not have (m)any interests. I don't really drink, appreciate football enough to watch a full game, etc.

Hi OP, I hope you can motivate yourself enough to try out some of the suggestions here, even ones that you feel are not the solution...think you need to move outside of your comfort zone a bit.

I hope so too. The thing is, I don't believe in trying things that do not interest you as if you don't have an interest in the class/activity/whatever then you will have no motivation to attend. Just going somewhere on the rpemise of making friends is a recipe for disaster imo.

Hopefully the counselling will help...If you're feeling so down that you can't motivate yourself to make any changes maybe consider asking your GP re antidepressants. Or there are support groups for people with depression, e.g. Aware etc.

I hope so too. Just received my re-referral for a female counsellor. So things are on the go again. I just hope they won't think I'm a waster because of my inability to get up off my arse and do something.
I was previously on fluxotine (sp?) but decided to give it up as I was uncomfrtable taking AD's.

By the way you're not a failure...You're holding down a job, get on OK with your family, and are keeping yourself fit and healthy...You need to be kinder to yourself!

Yes. However, despite my family and job I feel like a failure. I've not experienced things or lived my life. I've never been on a date, felt like I had friends, have friends to holiday with, feel loved etc. Not having lived a life, I've nothing to add to conversations, no stories to tell.

The frustrating part is probably that relations think I was out running after girls, enjoying the bright lights of the city. Living life to the full - like my bublly out-going cousins. If only they knew...

Best of luck

Thanks.

Orbion

OP, you remind me of someone saying they are overweight and need help, and when people tell them do exercise or diet, they say they have no energy, time etc -excuses. The reality is that in many ways your life might be too easy and too comfortable and while you want friends, you dont want to lose that.

What you have to ask yourself is, do you really want this and are you willing to make big changes? Because if you dont you'll probably be back posting here in 5 years time, with the same troubles and feeling worse for having wasted more time. If you do, you have to realise that what you have being doing up to now is not working and start doing something about it today.

bain_triail_as

http://winsome.hubpages.com/hub/Things-You-Can-Do-Today-that-Scare-You

Do something everyday (Or at least once a week ) that frightens you.

How would you feel if in your past you had experience of being exposed to live rounds of gunfire ( say in a battle ) and survived.

I suggest anyone who has had this experience will not be worried about other peoples opinions and will be able to choose an outgoing attitude or adapt introverted
behaviour depending on their mood of the moment.

seablue

Skiing holiday was mentioned as an option - check out this recent thread on skiing for singles

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056865827&page=2

www.skiclub.ie have a ski trip in March.