Outside: Confident and Together, Inside: Scared and Falling Apart

LegacyUser

Currently 28/29 years old. Parents divorced since very young age but have always felt loved. Led quite a normal childhood other than this. Did fine in school, never any issues making friends. I Get on with people easily and don't have any enemies. Consider myself very kind and gentle. Always willing to help people and not aggressive or violent in any way. Don't drink or do any drugs, have tried alcohol and weed but wasn't interested. Would appear to have a lot going for me. My physical health is generally very good and from a societal point of view, I'd be doing well; financially stable, not living at home, would probably be considered physically attractive and have had beautiful, amazing girlfriends who themselves have been extremely great people.

Considering my childhood with parents sepererating and overcoming weight issue - which included bullying (my two main challenges I guess) I thought myself as quite strong. I always had an issue with anything medical however. I had problems growing up and was in and out of hospital a number of times and had a few procedures done. One of which I woke up during and this was a pretty traumatic experience. There was also a time only one parent was allowed stay overnight in hospital with me and my parents started arguing in front of me after I had an operation. I believe I had to be sedated as I was hysterical. They deeply regret acting like this in front of me.

Both my parents are amazing people but not without their own issues. My dad cheated on my mam which I only found out when I was about 20 and has a pretty stressful job and my mam can be very difficult to deal with at times. She has suffered with depression since a young age. I don't hold any grudge against either of them, but just stating facts.

Up until about 4 years ago, my life was fine, I was what I'd consider a normal guy able to do normal things, going on holidays etc. I probably spent far too much time on the computer however and built up relationships with people online as can easily happen with a bored teenager on the web. This stopped when I met my first real girlfriend from the age of 16-18 I was with her. She had her own problems involving molestation and was quite messed up. This ended over a few lies she told me etc. My next girlfriend was much more trustworthy and I had no issues at all with her. We just didn't click so much. That lasted around a year. I then spent some time chatting with another girl online and believed I was falling in love as a young man might. After some time of no communication we met for the first time by chance and didn't click as much as we did before. I had a pretty regular social life in between all this, going out to clubs, kissing and hanging out with various girls etc.

I never really pursued anything online after that until I happened to get a new friend request over an old social network. Ended up chatting and got on well. She lived in the UK and I ended up going to visit her. I was about 23 at this stage I think. Ended up not being able to "perform" and neither was she. She was older but was actually not very experienced herself but I was definitely attracted to her. We both laughed it off and continued chatting after I went back home. I went over again and AGAIN couldn't perform. I never had any problems performing with my previous girlfriends so this was weird for me. This was in the evening and she left to collect some things for work the next day and I began to look up online what could be wrong. I was reading heaps of crap, all medical problems etc that I could have and I got completely nervous and that triggered something in me. Since that night my whole life changed. I don't know what it was, but I went into a state of panic, my girlfriend (we were bf gf at that stage) came back and I just started shaking, it was late and we went to bed but I was still shaking. I did get some sleep eventually but I was utterly in fear. She had to go to work in the morning and I was going home that evening but I just spent the whole day in bed, thinking awful things, not knowing what was happening and thinking is this what happens to people when they commit suicide because I coudn't imagine being able to live with such thoughts.

Within 12 hours I changed from someone who was flying over to the UK meeting girls and not having any problems, to a scared helpless person confined to bed afraid of the world and in complete despair. Thankfully, I began to feel a little better come evening and was able to get my flight home. I actually felt much better when I was in the public waiting room at the airport.

I made it home but from then on my life has never been the same. I stayed with the UK girl for a few months after this. I went back to visit her once or twice but she mainly came here as I had begun to be afraid to travel. We had absolutely no trouble with performance and all was well in this regard. She was a great girl but I didn't really want to be in a relationship, especially so far distance and I broke it off. I met another girl here through a friend and told her also I didn't want to be in a relationship but the more we saw eachother the closer we got and I ended up with her for about 2 years. We broke up though, maybe 3 times, but were soon back together. Both of these girlfriends knew well about my problems and we're extremely understanding and probably very helpful for me.

I started seeing a pshychologist when I was with the newer girlfriend and I don't believe it helped much. Maybe it did, just to talk to someone, but I felt good talking to anyone, my girlfriend or close male friends too Just to note, I'm pretty open and have some very close friends I can talk to about pretty much anything. I only went to the psychologist for a few months and decided to stop going, it was VERY expensive and I didn't feel it was worth it. I also didn't like talking about it much as it brought it back up. I was doing pretty ok and only had lapses into feeling down.

There were times I'd be staying in my girlfriends house and would have to leave in the middle of the night because I was having what I guess were panic attacks. This was the case for a few months. I had to go stay with my mam for periods too but I eventually got a hold of things and learned to accept them and just let them slide and that's been the way for the past number of years.

I've since broken up with that girl and have another girlfriend now but I'm having the same commitment issues. My current girlfriend knows this, which is sad when I think about it and she's planning to go back home (she is from another country) even though we are currently together. I do love her very much and she is an amazing person and an amazing friend. We get on so so well and do a lot together, it's just, as with my last 3 girlfriends, I seem to not really want to be in a relationship. I'm not the type to go out cheating at all and would consider myself to be very trustworthy and faithful, yet I do tend to "look around". I don't really want to be in a relationship if I still have the urge to look around. It's as simple as that. Maybe I just need to go a bit more wild and sew my wild oats and get it out of my system. I don't really feel I've experienced much and this is probably why too. I might be thinking of my dad having cheated at the back of my mind and feel I need to travel, meet more girls and other friends and do more things before settling down. Both my current and previous girlfriends have had serious marriage proposals from ex partners, they really are amazing and would be the type of person you would feel like settling down with. Not me though. I get on with my current girlfriend probably better than anyone I've ever met so it's pretty sad to think about and write but I just don't feel ready for that.

I've a pretty serious life I believe and spend a lot of time working and am constantly keeping myself busy whether it's obsessively looking up information on something I want to buy or going out of my way to help people and taking on their problems etc. I've a lot of ideas and am quite creative too. I do partake in and organise a lot of sport and am maybe subconsciously trying to keep the mind busy to avoid too much thinking. When I'm working, playing sport etc I'm ok, it's when I stop to think, I begin to get scared. Bad thoughts can come into my head at any time. I could be enjoying something with friends or my girlfriend or even in the middle of playing a sport game and a thought of despair can suddenly come into my head and ruin the moment for me. The sooner I get it out of my head the better, but it feels these bad thoughts are constantly in the background and can come to me at any time. They may just flash in for a few seconds and then go and not come back again for a few hours/days but unless I'm kept pretty much occupied, I do tend to think about the fact they can come back, and then of course they do end up coming back and I feel bad again.

I find I'm also constantly judging and analysing things. As an ex-overweight and unhealthy child, the state of the nation with all the fast food places, unhealthy foods in supermarkets, seeing overweight or unhealthy looking people, walking by a mcdonalds or even looking into someones trolley in the supermarket and seeing crappy food, I start to feel bad. I'd be pretty hard on myself in terms of eating well. I have a few friends who are into what most people would see as extreme healthy eating. No cooked foods, no meat, dairy etc and although I don't follow this and even they find it difficult to follow, I tend to think I should and so should everyone as it sounds like the best for both our health and the health of the planet. Again, it's just when I start to think about it, if I'm with friends enjoying a nice unhealthy meal I'm generally ok, but if I'm walking by a mcdonalds, or in the supermarket on my own and see these people I feel bad and judgmental. Sometimes also I just watch people and think how lucky they are not to know what it's like to experience this and I can feel weird sometimes watching people enjoy themselves while I've experienced such fear in my life. It's like I'm on another level to them.

These thoughts aren't so bad compared to what comes into my head some times. When I feel panicky, I begin to feel I can't really control my thinking. A lot of things can trigger this too. As a teenager who spent a lot of time online, I was quite curious and saw some horrible things on the internet that I wish I had never seen, horrible videos watched just out of curiosity as to how people could do such things. I don't want to go into details here but basically some terrorist recorded videos and other horrible horrible things. Anything I watch that shows any kind of sickness of the mind can really upset me. Even watching documentaries on drug addicts, soldiers and the after affects of war or anything where people are dealing with anguish or problems of the mind. Another thing that really upset me one time is when I was at my sisters and was minding my 2 nieces with my mam. My younger niece appeared to get a bit upset, maybe because her mam wasn't there and just went into a corner and crouched down and wasn't very responsive. Seeing this fear and upset in a 2 year old really scared me too and since seeing this, I feel a little sad when I think about her but she's such a cute and good spirited child normally. Just the fact I get a little upset and that mind "fear" when I think about it upsets me. Two films which really upset me were "we need to talk about kevin" and "brothers" both dealing with young men who had mental issues and losing control. If I hear of of any news of suicide I get upset and if I see something, for example even on boards with "celebrity male dies at only age 26" for example, I'll curisouly click into it hoping it's NOT suicide if it's not, I feel better, if it is, I get upset. One story which really upset me too was I think 2/3 years ago when some young man stabbed his girlfriend and killed himself in Bray. It was so close to home and scared me so much, how did he go over the edge and do something like this, what's to stop the same happening me? I was hoping to speak to the psychologist who was on this show but he has since passed away which was difficult for me to find out as he looked like he really was interested and could help and wasn't just in the profession because he got good marks in school that allowed him study a highly academic subject.

I don't consider myself a threat to myself or to anyone else and never have but it's the thought of how can someone go from ok to ill that really scares me. The way I went from ok one night to in such fear in the space of an hour or so makes me fear and going even worse and harming myself or others, even those I love. After all, that's what happens some people when they go insane, right? These thoughts are really difficult to deal with and I feel like I need to talk to someone to tell me everything is ok and it's normal. It doesn't feel normal. I know it's normal to get panicky and stuff and a lot of people experience this, but the sick thoughts of maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be so bad that I'll end up doing something I don't want to do, just out of craziness of the mind and irrational thinking and fear, really really scares me. Thankfully these extreme thoughts don't come often but they came last night which is why I'm writing this today. I'm currently injured so can't do much exercise or partake in sport as I regularly do. It seems I get worse when I know anything medical is wrong with me. I am trying to help myself, I've been listening to mediation practices, dealing with anxiety and the likes of Eckhart Tolle's power of now audio books.

I've been mostly ok for the past few years but it's the fact that even if you've been ok for 10 months, anything can change in the space of a few hours. I really want to hear that it's normal to have these thoughts but I don't want to be lied to either. I'm quite reluctant to go on any medication and have avoided it thus far. I do have some St. Johns Wort tablets which I've taken a few of over the past few years (not even more than 10 tablets over the space of 5 years probably, just take them when I start to feel really bad like last night.). Seeing my mam on medication that has turned me off the idea and also everything I hear about it being a way for drug companies to get you fixed on a life long subscription and then once you're on them, you're so drugged you can't do anything to get off them. My mam is trying to come off hers and may slowly be succeeding but it seems difficult and I'd rather never go near anything. I know it's a challenge of the mind so I'd rather learn techniques to deal with these thoughts in other ways. It would even just help to hear somebody else has had the same kind of experience and is aware of it and coping just fine and believes everything will be ok. I need to believe that!

This is long I know, but if anyone can bring some light to my experience please share. Also, if anyone has any recommendations for somebody to speak to in the Dublin/Wicklow area (I can travel if they are really good) please share. Again, I want someone who is passionate about helping people and not just someone who qualified after getting good marks in the leaving cert and "sticking through college" to get a well paid job.

Thanks for reading and for any help

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

We cannot offer medical advice and neither can we give recommendations for professional help - there is an excellent post on how best to find someone to suit you at the foot of the PI charter thread HERE.

IF you are concerned about your mental health - you need to contact your GP and ask for their professional opinion, we cannot diagnose you or declare what you are experiencing as "normal" or not just based on your description.

All the very best.