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Questioning my friendship

  • 26-01-2013 1:50am
    #1
    skinny_guy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35 ✭


    I have this friend who I have known since I was 5, we grew up together and went to the same schools, college etc.

    Lately I am wondering if I should continue with this friendship. There are two sides to his personality. At times he can be really sound and I can talk to him about anything. We even had a good laugh earlier on today.
    Then there are times where is really selfish, cocky and he tries to put me down.

    The majority of the time when we are in a group, he slags me an awful lot. I know lads take the mick out of each other but he can really go for cheap shots sometimes. I just know by the look on his face when he is going to be a ****head. He just gets really petty. It seems like his negative side over weighs his positive side.

    I think he is part of the reason why I have low self esteem, although there are other issues that contribute to it too.

    Anyone been in similar situations?


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi op. yes, i've been in a very similar situation. both with someone i was friends with since we were in primary school, and later with a friend i had made through work. here's my take on it. it's very VERY rarely that the friends you have for years will be the friends you have for ever. people change, grow in different directions, develop into different people.

    my primary school friend was someone who i could describe at one point as the closest person to me, and at the same time someone who i would dread to be in their company. one day a lightbulb just went off. hey, i'm going to meet her in an hour and i'm panicking cause i don't know if i'm going to have the fun friend and we're going to have a fun night out or the one who makes me feel sh!t about myself for days after. so i had to step back, accept that for my own sanity i couldn't be around them, and gradually move on.

    the friend from work, we were best mates for years. one of those real deep connections you make with someone, rarer as you get older, so i cherished it more. but the same thing, she'd say the most horrible things that would cut me to my core and not bat an eyelid, even when the people around us would be staring at her with their mouths open! i put up with it for far longer than i should, i can see that now.

    people put other people down and go overboard with slagging to feel better about THEMSELVES. they're usually the ones with low self esteem, and gain esteem by exerting verbal power over others. this seems to be what your mate is doing to you. but remember, you allow people to treat you the way they do. by taking his overboard slagging you're setting yourself up to be his punchbag so to speak.

    so if being someone's punchbag is affecting your self esteem well then you really do need to put a stop to it. how about saying something to him ''hey, i don't like the way you go overboard'' or ''you do realise those things hurt, don't you?'' you'll guage how true a mate he is by his reaction. if he genuinely cares about how it's affecting you he'll tone it down. if he tells you to get over youself and he's only messing, well that's time to be making a break for the good of yer own mental health.

    it's a crappy situation to be in, i know. best of luck x


  • #3
    skyfall2012
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 409 ✭✭skyfall2012


    I would say cut him loose. You need a break from this guy and he needs something to think about. If he pretends he doesn't understand, tell him what you think of him and feel the liberation. Work on yourself and build up yourself esteem. Good luck OP.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Go with your own instinct here. Last year I phased out a friend of 10+ years. It's not that they did anything bad but I realised that I wasn't looking forward to visiting them any more. Callous? Maybe but I don't regret it.

    If you think it's a good idea, you could take your friend aside and tell him that you don't find his comments funny at all. There are people out there who don't seem to know when they've crossed the line between slagging and hurtful personal comments.

    It's your own instinct you should go with. Does this friend make you feel bad about yourself? Do you find yourself bracing yourself for the next sideswipe? How do you feel about taking them aside and telling them to stop making those comments? If the answer to these questions is yes, then I recommend you think seriously about phasing him out.


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