Does this happen to most couples in the end?

LegacyUser

Myself and oh been together nearly 4yrs. Have a child together who's 1.
Bit about myself, I'm a more get up and go person.. Or was.Kinda lost my motivation in the relationship or am too upset to broach the subject. I had a chat with my partner a few months ago and asked him why we don't go out for 'dates' anymore, he blamed the whole thing on me. I have to ask him to go to the cinema or take me, ask him to take me for dinner but it doesn't happen 'hey let's go for a drink'... 'Uuugh maybe, lets see in a little while.. Never happens. He bought some cinema tickets months and months ago and they are just sitting on a shelf. My brother babysits whenever for a few bob, he lives with us. Sex is just a poke in the dark when I'm half asleep, if there's any different positions I have to encourage it. (Dont laugh) but even if lube was needed I have to say it :-/
I've told him if things don't change in 6mths we'll have to talk about separating, that was at the end of November and he still hasn't made any effort.

I'm miserable!Is this what happens to most couples in the end?Is this what married life is like!We're not even married!Is this it!

Cupcake_Crisis

Op that sounds like a horrible situation to be in. To me, it sounds like communication has just completely broke down, something that happens to a lot, but not all couples. It also seems like you allowing yourself to settle in the rut you've found yourself in. Things were obviously good once, and can be again.

I would suggest sitting down and having a long, no holes barred conversation about your relationship. Be prepared to say and hear things you wont like, but it'll be for the best. I wouldn't suggest giving him another ultimatum or time frame. There is a lot at stake here and your problems are not going to get fixed over night, or in 6 months. You need to learn how to enjoy each other again.

Taltos

Also consider going to couples counselling - bit more difficult for him to ignore you with a 3rd party there - although from the sound of things he will refuse to go anyway, you can still attend and they can help you develop the tools you need to open dialog with your husband.

RubyWoo83

I think to an extent all couples are at risk of getting into this sort of a situation. Relationships take work, it's so easy to just fall into a routine & get stuck in a rut. You also have a young child & that first year is tough going, takes a lot out of both parents.

Could you get a babysitter and have a weekend away together, get some quality time and have a serious talk about things?

MistyCheese

It's something that can happen, but not something that definately happens, or has to happen. I think you should try arranging something and then all he has to do is come along. You're doing the hard work of arranging it. Not that it should always be you organising things, I know he should make an effort too, but hopefully he'll see you doing it and realise he should reciprocate. If not, if he refuses to get off his arse even after you going to the trouble, then he really will be showing how little he cares.

Sure I asked my OH last weekend if we could do something during the week and he agreed but nothing came of it. When I pointed out to him that the week had passed he said I should have said it to him again. I reminded him that if I were to ask him to do something more than once he'll say I'm nagging him. To his credit he conceded that point and we're going out tomorrow.

LegacyUser

I have been doing all the organising.. That's the problem. And he knows it too, it came to a point where I'd ask him to come out for a few drinks or comedy club and he'd say 'ask the babysitter so' for him! Seemed as though his presence was a privilege. If he asked me to come somewhere I'd have to organise the babysitter, do all the running around.
But enough was enough and I decided that I cannot and will not go on like this. We talked about marriage the other night but I have come to the conclusion that I'd probably have to get down on one knee with the ring😕 I said 'but that was the only thing I had that I have ever wanted to be special. And he said 'what you think it's going to be like a fairytale proposal. And my heart just crushed at that point.

We have done the couples counselling and it did help, it helped me focus on my reactions and to listen and communicate, there's only so much you can get from counselling and the rest is upto us! Looks like we are doomed tbh.

Taltos

Certainly reads like he is comfortable and just not bothered - either to improve things or to leave. Seems like he is leaving all the choices - tough or otherwise up to you. The question you have to ask yourself is do you see a long-term future with someone who isn't really there for you?

The Princess Bride

I think four years is a very short time to be together,and have these feelings-when you consider most people would hope they're going to have a lifetime of a few decades together, " happily ever after".

To be this non-chalant,at this early stage,doesn't sound very promising, I think.

You say that the couples counselling helped- but did he identify that he had issues also,or was it all about what you'd get from it?

One more thing-you say your brother lives with you.
I hope that you & your partner are getting some alone time together,outside of the bedroom.
Kind of difficult to have deep conversations if there's another adult there.
It does put added pressure on your relationship as a couple,regardless of how nice your brother is.

The Corinthian

Most couples 'slow down' over time, but in my own experience, even when you do both will make the occasional effort to inject something new or temporary into the relationship from time to time. Sometimes knowing that your other half is making an effort, even if that effort fails, is worth more than had it succeeded.

Honestly? There's almost more to it than meets the eye. One possibility is that your OH is under stress from work (or lack thereof) or for other reasons, and this can have a profound effect on a relationship.

Another distinct possibility is that he feels trapped in the relationship because he remained in it for all the wrong reasons (for the sake of your child), in the first place, and naturally he would end up resenting you for this, over time.

I'd agree with others when they say that you should seek couples counselling. There is an underlying reason for what's going on and you're not going to find out what it is unless you talk it through successfully.

RubyWoo83

OP I'm just going to play devils advocate here for a minute. You haven't told us much about your situation but is there a chance that maybe you need to cut your OH a little slack?

You have a young child, those early are tough going and can put a strain on any relationship. Does your OH work? Do you? Working full time, then coming home to sleepless nights is exhausting. I can remember days where I didn't even manage to get out of my PJ's let alone organise a night out and that was when I was still on mat leave. I think myself and the OH managed about 2 nights out in the first 12 months.

LegacyUser

We have been like this a long time, since before baby arrived. I have changed a lot, I have looked at myself long and hard and have cut him lots of slack. We both work, our childminder has been sick the past few weeks so I have been on the go 24/7, when the weekend arrives I am exhausted. My oh doesn't see this. I try to juggle everything and for what? For him to call me a discrace of a mother this morning! This has been the breaking point for me and I've told him to leave. I have had post natal depression and he wasn't there much for me 'I wish I had a normal girlfriend' ' Jane at work is more Craic than you'
It doesn't matter what I seem to do it gets chucked back at me. I've come to the conclusion we are both different people.

crixos30

It sounds to me like he dose not have a great deal of respect for you or himself for that matter you are the mother of his children that alone deserves a great deal of respect I would say tell him leave (just for a few days) to give him a wake up call and if he dose not realise what he is throwing away I would pull the plug on the relationship.