Sexist mothers at toddler group

Lola18

Just wondering if anyone has had problem at a Parent and toddler group with some mothers not being happy with Dads attending?
I was confronted today and one of the mothers told me she didn't mind my partner coming but she'd rather it was just mothers. Now he's not the only dad that comes and it actually upset me that she pulled me aside. She even offered to tell him herself not to come!!

dave1982

Not a regular poster in here but you're thread title caught my eye.

As a parent and male myself I'd consider parent toddler groups to be mainly mothers attend so I'd be uncomfortable to go there so I can only imagine how your husband felt when it was put to him that its mother only,it must have been awkward enough for him besides putting up with that BS


Actually its a Parent toddler group not a mother toddler group.

lazygal

Does she run the group? On what authority is she 'laying down the law'?


I go, infrequently mind, to two play mornings near me. There's a small but significant cohort of dads at both, along with au pairs, minders, grannies and mums. If I was told my husband shouldn't come I'd ask quite simply why. Or else I'd be thinking a group like that wouldn't be for me. I like a mix of adults around when I bring the wee lass out and about.

MintyDoris

That's an absolute disgrace! I would be fuming

I haven't come across this attitude in this scenario but I saw a LOT of sexism against my partner in the hospital I gave birth in. He was treated like a complete nobody by most of the staff.

For what its worth I admire your partner for going to the group with his child. He is the type that will slowly change the backward attitude shown towards him.

donegal.

i sometimes go, but because of work i'm not a regular. There's never any other men and i don't really know any of the women.
But i'm always made to feel very welcome. and am included in any chat as its mostly about toddlers/babys , things like sleeping, feeding, behavior, development , even breastfeeding.:eek: Most of the women there realise that dads know as much about parenting as mums.

Lola18

Thanks for the replies everyone, there are other fathers that go too and nothing was said to them or their partners! I'm a youngish mum at 23 and I admit I can be sensitive about things at times! I didn't know what to even say, I actually got quite upset and was so embarrassed as I started crying!
I just wanted to see if anyone has had this experience as its really getting to me.
There is a group of women which "run" the group and she's one of them, but everybody is involved and has their say so no she definatly doesn't own the group although she seems to think she does!!

CarMe

Oh my god Im shocked bye disgusted by that, I would have lost the rag with her altogether. I think it's great that it's becoming more acceptable for dads to be more hands on, idiot people like her are a brutal reminder that we're not quite there yet though!

CarMe

Lola18 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone, there are other fathers that go too and nothing was said to them or their partners! I'm a youngish mum at 23 and I admit I can be sensitive about things at times! I didn't know what to even say, I actually got quite upset and was so embarrassed as I started crying!
I just wanted to see if anyone has had this experience as its really getting to me.
There is a group of women which "run" the group and she's one of them, but everybody is involved and has their say so no she definatly doesn't own the group although she seems to think she does!!

I was 23 when I had my little one and I can remember about ten times having stupid ignorant comments by stupid ignorant people when I went back to work and my partner stayed home.
I would seriously either keep bringing him/let him take the child alone, or find somewhere else to go.
These years are precious and it'd be totally unfair for your partner to miss out because of this horrible woman.

biko

Talk to the person in charge of the group. If they say yes, which they will, then it's ok and the woman you spoke to can find another group if she's not ok with it.
No biggie.

juan.kerr

efb wrote: »

I don't think it's suitable conversation for a toddler group!

Exactly. I think theses groups could do with some male supervision to keep things i order.

Froyo

biko wrote: »

Talk to the person in charge of the group. If they say yes, which they will, then it's ok and the woman you spoke to can find another group if she's not ok with it.
No biggie.

Well, it is a biggie - the fact that this attitude exists at all in such a forum.

This kind of attitude towards men is a lot more prominent than people care to realise.

If it was the other way around there would be outrage.

I would definitely talk to whoever runs the group.

This is totally unacceptable.

Tombo2001

Can o' worms there OP.

From a dad's perspective....

I have probably been to toddler groups at least 100 times at this stage and I've encountered zero hostility from the mammies at any time.

I do feel sometimes that the dads on the other hand are not particularly open. What I put this down to is that some of them feel a bit embarassed about being there. But when I look back on it, I dont remember even one single occasion when another dad struck up a conversation with me at these things.

Tombo2001

MintyDoris wrote: »

I haven't come across this attitude in this scenario but I saw a LOT of sexism against my partner in the hospital I gave birth in. He was treated like a complete nobody by most of the staff.

I would say I was treated like a complete nobody in the maternity ward but to be honest, the nurses have more to do than to be worrying about the dads feelings.....I wouldnt call that sexism.....I'd just call it having more important things to do.

Neyite

OP, she is singling out your partner, as you say that other dads attend, so I would ask to speak to ALL the organisers together, and demand to know why.

Did they all agree on approaching you on this? If so, are they speaking to all the men about it? If its only your partner, was there a complaint made, and if so, what was the nature of the complaint.

She has an awful neck on her to be honest.

MistyCheese

This woman may have been singling out the OP if she is one of the younger members of the group. Maybe bossy-breeches thinks the OP will be easier to pick on and the other mums with partners there will tell her to shove off and mind her own business.

Lola18, if she says it again try to calmly respond "That's nice. Well I'd prefer if he did come" and walk away. You don't have to justify your partners prescence if he's perfectly entitled to be there. Maybe this women would love for her own partner to be there and is a bit jealous that you have yours as support.

doolox

...as more and more men find conventional employment cut off from them and women find more and more opportunities to commercialise their skills.

Two huge areas of growth in the modern economy are elder care and call centre related jobs, bith of which are eminently suitable to women.

Construction, an area dominated by men is only a fraction of its former inflated size and also financial related jobs are gone as well.

People in general will have to accept men in family roles roles formerly dominated by women.

lounakin

I am fuming reading this post! I can't believe this woman is so thick and blind not to understand the implication of her comment! Parent and baby groups are support for a difficult and sometimes lonely time in parents' life, they are supposed to be a safe, open-minded place where young children can meet others and become sociable, pleasant beings... she has it all backwards, I'm surprised she didn't laugh at the sound of her own stupidity. But it does happen sometimes... that those who are supposed to be embracing turn out to be the most obtuse.

StupidLikeAFox

dave1982 wrote: »

Not a regular poster in here but you're thread title caught my eye.

Me too, thought it said "Sexiest mothers at toddler group", oh well!

Lola18

Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!

lounakin

Lola18 wrote: »

Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!

There you have it! She's just a selfish person, she didn't want your partner there purely for her own comfort. Selfish and childish, I wouldn't waste time with her any more! But I bet this group was convenient for you and now you have to either go out of your way to find another or go and have this needless tension between you.

kirving

So, she's basically just looking for a place to bitch about her husband. Sounds like a lovely person altogether.

Lola18

Yeah I want to continue to go and avoid communication wit her really, I don't work and don't drive, Im in college most of the week which is why my partner brings him and sometimes we both might go! I don't see any reason why I should give in and stop going just to please her! I just can't wait for the next comitee meeting so I can present the issue properly! I'm usually one who would roll over and take it and never go back but it's only my lil boy who'll suffer if I do that as he has friends in the group now

Lola18

Lola18 wrote: »

Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!

Perfect. She is the one with the problem, not you. Anyway what sort of a gossip is she that she's telling things to all the ladies of the village that she doesnt want her own hubby to know?
Stick with it.

CaraMay

Don't even consider stopping. I think I would say to the group at the next meeting at x asked my partner to stop coming and ask if anyone else has a problem with men being there. Show her up for what she is.

Lola18

CaraMay wrote: »

Don't even consider stopping. I think I would say to the group at the next meeting at x asked my partner to stop coming and ask if anyone else has a problem with men being there. Show her up for what she is.

Exactly what I'm planning on doing I don't want to be causing hassle but I don't deserve to be spoken down to and made feel like a fool when the group is supposed to be helpful for parents

dublinlady

Totally ridiculous way to be treated - don't accept it! Can't wait to hear how u get on! Stupid interfering old fashioned sexist auld bag!

Owryan

I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .

lounakin

Owryan wrote: »

I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .

That's a real shame! I'm trying to create a group in the city centre (widely unpopular!), if I'm successful, it will be opened to anyone with a child! Fathers would be encouraged to come!

pwurple

Owryan wrote: »

I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .

That's an utter disgrace. So sorry you encountered that. The groups we go to have loads of dads and they are more than welcome. The mums are often even outnumbered by dads.

Owryan

lounakin wrote: »

That's a real shame! I'm trying to create a group in the city centre (widely unpopular!), if I'm successful, it will be opened to anyone with a child! Fathers would be encouraged to come!

Ah this was in Carlow. Pity is that its a great set up but there is a clique that make it miserable for many others

Lola18

Owryan wrote: »

Ah this was in Carlow. Pity is that its a great set up but there is a clique that make it miserable for many others

Oh there's a clique in my one too but I just try to get on with everyone. She said that men should go to a pub to socialise...I think it's great to see fathers at these groups!! She has now said "let's be ladies not knackers" I fuming!!!

Gee_G

Lola18 wrote: »

Oh there's a clique in my one too but I just try to get on with everyone. She said that men should go to a pub to socialise...I think it's great to see fathers at these groups!! She has now said "let's be ladies not knackers" I fuming!!!

I think this whole thing is a bloody disgrace, I know it would take a lot for my fiance to go to one of these groups,no more then any other daddy's, I'd say it's daunting and first. Fair play to them for going. And for a little bully like that to say who can and can't attend!
In your last post you say she said that about being ladies,was that in the same conversation? Stand up to this woman. There's far too many like her in the world! needs taking down a peg or two

Lola18

Gee_G wrote: »

I think this whole thing is a bloody disgrace, I know it would take a lot for my fiance to go to one of these groups,no more then any other daddy's, I'd say it's daunting and first. Fair play to them for going. And for a little bully like that to say who can and can't attend!
In your last post you say she said that about being ladies,was that in the same conversation? Stand up to this woman. There's far too many like her in the world! needs taking down a peg or two

No she said that just today,It was actually in a Facebook message as I hadn't got her number. I sent her a message asking her to please contact me as I just wanted to sort it out, yesterday I liked someone's picture which had the quote " I'm not perfect and I don't try to be but before you go pointing fingers just make sure your hand are clean" I just liked the quote, had nothing to do with her but now she thinks I liked it because that's what I thought of her! My head is actually melted at the min! I'm after being in tears many times this weekend.

lounakin

Lola18 wrote: »

No she said that just today,It was actually in a Facebook message as I hadn't got her number. I sent her a message asking her to please contact me as I just wanted to sort it out, yesterday I liked someone's picture which had the quote " I'm not perfect and I don't try to be but before you go pointing fingers just make sure your hand are clean" I just liked the quote, had nothing to do with her but now she thinks I liked it because that's what I thought of her! My head is actually melted at the min! I'm after being in tears many times this weekend.

Please don't let this bully get to you! I've encountered a few mothers in groups who I thought were plain old bullies, it's disgraceful and shocking. We all support you here, even though it's only cyber-support

aristotle25

MintyDoris wrote: »

I haven't come across this attitude in this scenario but I saw a LOT of sexism against my partner in the hospital I gave birth in. He was treated like a complete nobody by most of the staff.

Well as a recent new Dad whose partner attended one of the big maternity hospitals in Dublin I can say 90% of the time the doctors and nurses acted like I wasn't even in the room with them.

Even there were times I would ask a question and the nurse\doctor would answer the question looking at my partner. I must say the consultant was good, she involved me during the planned C-section (just talking about what they were doing etc) and the team they had in the operating room were the same as were the team based around the operating room.

But up to that point you might as well not have existed as a guy in there. It is probably because it is all about the mother and child and I didn't get offended by it, we laughed it off really.

Kevhog1988

The one my child attends is mostly single mothers who attend.... Personally i would find it too intimidating to go...

NapoleonInRags

aristotle25 wrote: »

Well as a recent new Dad whose partner attended one of the big maternity hospitals in Dublin I can say 90% of the time the doctors and nurses acted like I wasn't even in the room with them.

Even there were times I would ask a question and the nurse\doctor would answer the question looking at my partner. I must say the consultant was good, she involved me during the planned C-section (just talking about what they were doing etc) and the team they had in the operating room were the same as were the team based around the operating room.

But up to that point you might as well not have existed as a guy in there. It is probably because it is all about the mother and child and I didn't get offended by it, we laughed it off really.

I had exactly the same experience with both of our kids - and like you didn't get too offended. As long as Mother and Baby are being looked after, I'm happy. This gender-snobbery with the toddler groups on the other hand......I wonder what approach would they take with a (male) same sex couple who had adopted a kid?

Oral Slang

That's just dreadful carry on. I've never been to a proper toddler group - I used to go to a breastfeeding group, go to different place centres, classes etc. Hoping to start going to a toddler group in the next few weeks, but would be disgusted if that happened at any that I was a part of.

My little one was in gymboree for a few weeks & then clap handies & I had said to my partner to bring her to them before but he wasn't comfortable doing this - have only seen a man once at either of them. These places are all about the children interacting together & the parents getting a chance to meet with adults during the day, so to say that they're for women only is ridiculous.

lounakin

One of my female friends moved back here from abroad for work, she has a 1 year old and her husband is staying at home for the moment. He's not from here and wants to meet other parents with their children. I told him to go to a parent and toddler group and he liked the idea... I hope I didn't send him somewhere he wasn't comfortable!
I really think more dads should try, perhaps braving their own intimidation. Dads are great. I love mine!
I have yet to go to any of those meetings but want to create my own. I am a little scared though because I was part of an online support group in which I felt really bullied and if those were the people in the toddler groups then I didn't want to be a part of that.

On a brighter note, my partner was in the delivery room with me and came along to a few antenatals at the Rotunda. He had a very good experience, was always included in discussions and was never ignored in the delivery room.

IvyTheTerrible

God, I'd be disgusted if my OH was told not to come to the toddler and parent group!

The Parent-baby group I go to encourages mums, dads, grandparents and nannies to come. Granted, there are more mums that other groups but we do have some dads. One of the two group organisers is a man too. I like it, everyone has a different take on parenting, makes things interesting.

0ctober

Sorry to hear about your experience OP. I used to go to a parent and baby group every week when I was on maternity leave and like that there was one woman who was a bit obnoxious. She made it pretty clear she didn't want to have anything to do with me or another girl, and I reckon it was because we were a good bit younger, I'm 23 and she was around the same age, cos she was fine with the older mothers. Stupid things like she would turn her chair away so she wasn't facing you, ignore you if you spoke to her or else talk over you or change the subject whenever you tried to contribute anything to the group! It was all very passive aggressive. I just made a point of making sure I sat nowhere near her and just tried my best to ignore her. Eventually she stopped coming because she went back to work thank god. But like that all she did was bitch about her husband/friends/mil/the phn etc. She wasn't coming to the group for support or friendship, just somewhere to moan. The best advice I can give is to just ignore her, easier said than done though. But don't let her stop you going to the group, otherwise she has won and will continue to bully others.