Do I contact the "other woman"

LegacyUser

I say other woman in apostrophes because I suspect the reality is that I'm more like the other woman.

I have very recently come out of a 3 year relationship with a man. After about a year together, I discovered that he had actually still been in a relationship when we met for about a month. I decided to let it go and chalk it up to indecision because he swore they were just dating a bit seeing if they could work things out, and he decided he wanted to try with me instead. I did know that they had been on and off for almost 8 years.

Throughout the relationship I had my suspicions that he had started seeing her again but never knew for definite so thought I was just being paranoid. And then we broke up. So this week he started sniffing around again, begging me to try again. I've said no but I know he'll be back. It's a pretty toxic relationship.

So anyway, I decided to have a wee snoop on facebook (stupid, stupid, stupid) and I see that this girl has just broken up with him this week, and we're not broken up that long. I don't know why but every part of me wants to contact this girl, not for a row or anything but just to say who I am and whats been going on from my side. I'm finished with this guy but still pretty angry at what he's done, and my mind is saying if I send her an email, it might help her move on and find a guy who treats her right, like I hope to do. But the downside is, it may just create more drama for me. And hurt her more than she has to be hurt.

I've no idea what to do. I think I'd want someone to do it for me, female solidarity and all that jazz. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hardonraging

Personally i've no time for guys who carry on in this manor, contact the other woman, and bring his little fantasy world crashing down around him.

cantdecide

I say "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt". Both of you are free of this guy and IME, even if one or both of you confronted this guy, it wouldn't stop him trying to do this again. Maybe it would be different if she was still seeing this guy and blissfully unaware he was cheating. I say telling her now will accomplish nothing. Especially when she could very well accuse you of being the other woman.

kat.mac

If I was in your shoes, I would contact her, and if I was her, I'd want to hear from you. IME, ignorance is far from blissful when someone's been making a fool out of you.

CommanderC

I say tell her. Write her big long mail, telling her exactly what he has been up to. And then call him up and tell him exactly what you've done.

Then tell him to piss off because you're ****ing sick to the back teeth of him !!!

Hopefully he will get the message that you mean business and he'll leave you alone to get on with your life.

P. Breathnach

Without knowing either of you, I can't offer a useful opinion. People differ.

Can you find an intermediary, somebody that knows both you and this person?

RossFixxxed

I would think about yourself first in this. What do you think will be best for you? You broke up with him, so he doesn't matter now. I, personally, think you'd be better off moving on and NEVER going to his page on facebook etc. Get your life moving and forget about losers from your past.

You say yourself it is a toxic relationship. Why drag yourself into it? I understand the desire to bring it all down as others have said, but do you want to bring all that stress down on yourself too? You know all the clichés yourself: holding on to anger is like holding a hot coal etc etc etc.

Move on.

LegacyUser

OP, I was the girlfriend who received an email from his other woman.

We had been together for over a decade and it totally and completely brought my world crashing down around me. It took me years to get over and nearly broke me many times.

She claimed in the email that she didn't want him and there was no going back from them. She said that she hoped she was doing me a favour and that she wished me no ill will. I do suspect that she knew I wouldn't take him back after finding out he had been cheating for so long and he was so weak willed that he would come to her eventually because he just didnt know how to be alone. And she was right - they got married last year.

Now, without emotion and with hindsight, I thank her. He was too weak and selfish to ever tell me and I may have gone on to marry and have children with this man and walked into a life of sheer misery, heartache and pain.

She still thinks she 'won' as she 'got' him int he end but I know, after being with him so long, I have a thousand times more happiness than she ever will

OP at the time I would NEVER, EVER have said that you should but now looking back, you can set her free. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not for your own gain as she did int he story above.

Cupcake_Crisis

If you want to contact her to someway liberate yourself and give yourself complete closure, and feel that doing this will bring you that, then do it. But if you're just doing it to hurt him, then don't. You will probably open a can of worms here, so you need to be ready to say your piece to this woman and then wash your hands of the situation.

jdsk2006

Sorry that you have been treated so badly. I see from your post that you have seen the light with regards to this relationship and you now know how unhealthy and damaging his presence in your life is. Recovery from that relationship will take a lot of time for you, so imo you should write that woman a super long email and title it as "the final chapter". Use it as therapy of some sorts - I bet you will be glad you did it in a years time. As for the other woman, she may take little or no heed to you just yet but who cares what she does with your information?? It may take another few years for her to see the light, or you may give her that extra resolve she needs to claw back her dignity.......either way it will do you good to get your story out.

LegacyUser

whattodo32 wrote: »

I did know that they had been on and off for almost 8 years.

whattodo32 wrote: »

I see that this girl has just broken up with him this week, and we're not broken up that long.

Ok there's a few things you need to take into consideration here, the fact that they have been on and off for 8 years. As far as you know, that is.


I agree with the suggestion of is there a mutual contact between the 3 of you that could shed some more insight?

I think it's nice to want to let the woman know what her ex - and possibly long term boyfriend/partner/father to children for all you know - has been doing but you have to be aware that you might get a whole load of abuse your way from her if she has been in the dark about it, or has had her suspicions, or is insecure and vulnerable and could potentially see you as a threat to her "happiness" whether it is a happy relationship or not, it might be something that she is happy to settle for, even if she could do better.

You might find too that her breaking up with him, is just temporary, part of some drama played out so many times between them that no matter what, they'll be back together.

Personally I think that if he is a toxic person, if your relationship with him was a toxic relationship, and if her relationship with him is a toxic relationship, chances are you are bringing a very toxic event your way.

Unless you know the person my advice would be to put yourself first. You have no idea what sort of relationship they have had, or where her head and self esteem are or whether you would be seen as a threat to her and her partner that she might wish to protect from what you say and side with him, or whether she would listen to you. She may listen but may not like what you have to say and could go into denial, especially if the reality is presented that you were both in a relationship with him at the same time, rather than consecutive relationships.

Consider what you want to achieve out of this - enlighten a woman who you feel deserves to know the truth, whether it would be believed or not by her which could fall either way that she may hate you for it or be grateful for the contact so she can move on and better herself and her life or that you wish to be rid of your anger towards the situation by giving him what he deserves in getting landed in it and relieving yourself of any guilt and wrong doing while you walk away from whatever carnage may be caused? You've no idea really how your contact could be taken, if she is in a vulnerable position or has been subject to abuse and has lost her self esteem it could be devastating to her that could have dangerous consequence.

I think you would be better off holding off contacting her until you know at least something more about her, I don't think it would be fair to her to land her with this information if she is fragile because I'd be concerned if she can cope or not with it, which I think would be more important than perhaps relieving you of anything.

P. Breathnach

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Sorry that you have been treated so badly. I see from your post that you have seen the light with regards to this relationship and you now know how unhealthy and damaging his presence in your life is. Recovery from that relationship will take a lot of time for you, so imo you should write that woman a super long email and title it as "the final chapter". Use it as therapy of some sorts - I bet you will be glad you did it in a years time. As for the other woman, she may take little or no heed to you just yet but who cares what she does with your information?? It may take another few years for her to see the light, or you may give her that extra resolve she needs to claw back her dignity.......either way it will do you good to get your story out.

The danger is that such an email might be upsetting to the other woman. I think you need some insight into her before you do anything.

What would sending the email achieve? They broke up - might have been her decision, might not, but they still broke up. If they get back together, then it is her decision, her life.

tcif

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

If you want to contact her to someway liberate yourself and give yourself complete closure, and feel that doing this will bring you that, then do it.

I'm not sure this is good advice. You don't say in your post if you think she knew he was cheating on both of you, but in any case is hurting her really going to make you feel any better? "Honesty is the best policy" can be a dangerous thing if no good comes out of that truth except to inflict damage. Have a long, hard look at your motivation for contacting this woman and if you genuinely, in your heart, can say it's her you're concerned about, then fair enough....a lot of us (myself included) have been hurt in situations we wished in hindsight we'd been warned to stay away from. But if you think there's even the smallest chance you're just lashing out at him, through her, then show the decency he's incapable of and keep your peace.

Cupcake_Crisis

tcif wrote: »

I'm not sure this is good advice. You don't say in your post if you think she knew he was cheating on both of you, but in any case is hurting her really going to make you feel any better? "Honesty is the best policy" can be a dangerous thing if no good comes out of that truth except to inflict damage. Have a long, hard look at your motivation for contacting this woman and if you genuinely, in your heart, can say it's her you're concerned about, then fair enough....a lot of us (myself included) have been hurt in situations we wished in hindsight we'd been warned to stay away from. But if you think there's even the smallest chance you're just lashing out at him, through her, then show the decency he's incapable of and keep your peace.

From the op first post I really don't get the impression that she would be contacting her with any malicious intent. She just wants to be sure the woman knows just what this man is like, and that she has her eyes open before she makes any decisions about him,like the op did .

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Just wanted to thank you all for your advice. Having had a read on here and a good long think, I've realised that she does know what he is like. There have been situations in the past that he has told me about. While I do pity her in a way, she is aware and it's not my responsibility to remind her. So considering that I'm finally free of the stress this relationship brought, I'm going to avoid this like the plague and keep moving on. Really hope the girl sees sense this time though.

Thanks again everyone

kat.mac

whattodo32 wrote: »

While I do pity her in a way, she is aware and it's not my responsibility to remind her

If she is already aware, then you are making the right call here. My previous advice was based on the assumption that she didn't already know.

Fair play to you, best of luck from here on in