Is this normal

cazzak79

Hi I need a male opinion
I love my boyfriend but he seems to like to drink a lot he would drink wine/ beer every night if I let him eg 1/2 bottle of wine he dosnt have a great diet and rarely exercises we and has high blood pressure
His 35 this year
I worry about his health and future health especially with the high blood pressure

Do I need to let him decide to look after himself or to stop himself
I'd like to start a family and don't want him sick or dead in the future when we can prevent it

Is this normal?

Thanks

howamidifferent

Whatever about his health, drinking lots will impair the health of his "little swimmers" and consequently may interfere with his ability to father a child.

Rossin

hlaf bottle of wine every night is fine I would've thought, it certainly hasnt affected my parents over the years!

D'Agger

Moved to Relationship issues. Any problems PM

StompToWork

My first reaction is why the hell are you on here asking? Sorry to sound harsh, but I would have thought the very first place you go would be to your BF and talk to him about it.

I know that's why Boards is here, but honestly, for the vast array of opinions and suggestions you get here, you will probably be better off just talking to him about your concerns.

So far, the majority of the small number of replies seem to agree that half a bottle a night is fine. I tend to actually agree. But it's not our opinion that matters here. It's yours. If he loves you back, then it will be no problem to him to listen to your concerns, talk to you about, reach a comprimise or agreement, and move forward from that.

IMHO, anyways.

Czarcasm

Your boyfriend's behaviour sounds perfectly normal for a man his age OP. It's not the healthiest of lifestyles I grant you, and so it's perfectly normal for you to be concerned about his welfare and both your future happiness.

Do you feel your boyfriend would be unwilling to change his current lifestyle choices or have you actually discussed with him the possibility of trying for a child?

xLexie

You can't force him to get help if he doesn't want it. The most you can do for him is support him but at the end of the day the decision to cop on and be more healthy will have to be his decision.

dannyc31

well what is normal OP? there really is'nt such a thing. everyone is different. if he likes wine then he is gonna drink alot of it. i'd be more concerned if he was drinking to get drunk every night, then i would say there's a serious mental problem going on possibly depression.

health wise i'm no Dietician but i would say thats a bit excessive, and if he's already getting high blood pressure, he's a heart attack waiting to happen before the age of 50.

but like everything, people have to help themselves change, you nagging him about it is probably not gonna work. unfortunately sometimes the only thing that works for these people is for them to get a big scare before they want to change.

cazzak79

Believe me I have talked and argued with him about it
I know about the fertility issue

My cousin died few years back leaving young family just dont want the same for me it was awful at the graveside

judgefudge

Am I the only one that thinks half a bottle of wine a night is not normal?! It's a little over his recommended units for a day.

Is he able to go without the drink? Cause if not it could be a dependency issue

cazzak79

judgefudge wrote: »

Am I the only one that thinks half a bottle of wine a night is not normal?! It's a little over his recommended units for a day.

Is he able to go without the drink? Cause if not it could be a dependency issue

I don't think it's normal
My dad is 82 he wouldn't have drank that must few nights a week his made it so far without any major health problems his a farmer so he would have walked a lot

Think il try talking to my boyfriend again see how it goes

SunnyDub1

You're not over reacting and imo his behavior is selfish.
If he suffers from anxiety he needs to see a doctor, not drink a bottle - that's just a lame excuse.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk him. Tell him how you are feeling about his drinking and tell him how much it if effecting you.

awec

I don't see the issue with half a bottle of wine each night. That's hardly in the excessive category (not even close IMO). 3 and a half bottles of wine a week.

Meauldsegosha

cazzak79 wrote: »

Hi I need a male opinion
I love my boyfriend but he seems to like to drink a lot he would drink wine/ beer every night if I let him eg 1/2 bottle of wine he dosnt have a great diet and rarely exercises we and has high blood pressure
His 35 this year
I worry about his health and future health especially with the high blood pressure

Do I need to let him decide to look after himself or to stop himself
I'd like to start a family and don't want him sick or dead in the future when we can prevent it

Is this normal?

Thanks

The bit in bold would indicate that he doesn't drink every night. So how many nights a weeks does he drink?

judgefudge

You said in your other thread that he suffers from anxiety and uses alcohol to relax. It would worry me too. I suffer with anxiety too but I'd never dream of going down that road. I actually use exercise to help deal with it. Yoga is good because it relaxes the mind.

Alternatively swimming can be a really relaxing exercise. And meditation or acupuncture can help.

I know you said he doesn't exercise but with the money he'd save on the drink he could pay for a gym membership and I'm sure he'd feel much better.

As for what you can do... Basically all you can do is sit down and tell him your concerns and try to nudge him in the right direction. If he doesn't want to change he doesn't have to and then it's up to you whether you still want to be with him.

Good luck anyway.

cazzak79

Il stay with him I love him just concerned for his wellbeing
I meant 1 or 2 bottles of wine
So far this week his been in pub tues and Wednesday drank prob 6 to 8 cans of Guinness plus bottle of wine!

sffc

cazzak79 wrote: »

Il stay with him I love him just concerned for his wellbeing
I meant 1 or 2 bottles of wine
So far this week his been in pub tues and Wednesday drank prob 6 to 8 cans of Guinness plus bottle of wine!

That's a lot OP! I'd run a mile , if he wants to ruin his life fair enough but don't ruin yours or your future children's.

Table Top Joe

Cant believe how many people think its fine to drink that much,think it says a lot about Irish culture,it doesnt matter if its normal either,it would still be unhealthy.....he clearly has an alcohol dependency of some sort,im all for partners doing their own thing but when what one of them is doing is effecting their health its both peoples concern,especially if you want a family


It is perfectly normal for Irish people to drink way too much.....its also bloody stupid

CaraMay

cazzak79 wrote: »

he would drink wine/ beer every night if I let him

Op not sure if you see how controlling that sounds. He is a grown man and entitled to do what he wants. If he is tightly controlled by you in the relationship it will only make any anxiety worse

sffc

CaraMay wrote: »

Op not sure if you see how controlling that sounds. He is a grown man and entitled to do what he wants. If he is tightly controlled by you in the relationship it will only make any anxiety worse

The OP has anxiety too! She doesn't resort to copious amounts of alcohol though . She needs to decide what life she wants. Best not to bring children into this relationship or think they will change anything - they won't.

ronjo

CaraMay wrote: »

Op not sure if you see how controlling that sounds. He is a grown man and entitled to do what he wants. If he is tightly controlled by you in the relationship it will only make any anxiety worse

But drinking one or two bottles of wine a night is nuts if you ask me. He certainly does need some sort of intervention.

ibarelycare

I wouldn't have thought half a bottle of wine a few nights a week was too bad (it's two glasses!) but 1 or 2 bottles a few nights a week IS a lot.

OP you said you've talked to him about this before and nothing's changed. I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him again and lay the cards out on the table. Don't do it while he's drinking, or while you're both tired/stressed. Do it maybe on a Saturday afternoon when you both have no plans. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you're worried about his health, and your future as a couple. Tell him your worries about having children and him dying young. Tell him if he isn't willing to do anything to change then you have no choice but to leave him. Suggest exercise, counselling, whatever.

If he's still not willing to do anything after all that, then unfortunately I don't see what else can be done and you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to stay with him.

sffc

ibarelycare wrote: »

I wouldn't have thought half a bottle of wine a few nights a week was too bad (it's two glasses!) but 1 or 2 bottles a few nights a week IS a lot.

OP you said you've talked to him about this before and nothing's changed. I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him again and lay the cards out on the table. Don't do it while he's drinking, or while you're both tired/stressed. Do it maybe on a Saturday afternoon when you both have no plans. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you're worried about his health, and your future as a couple. Tell him your worries about having children and him dying young. Tell him if he isn't willing to do anything to change then you have no choice but to leave him. Suggest exercise, counselling, whatever.

If he's still not willing to do anything after all that, then unfortunately I don't see what else can be done and you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to stay with him.

OP there are thousands of husbands and wives who have gone through years of misery living with and often having to separate from an alcholic spouse . The majority don't get the warnings signs you are getting before they walk down the aisle and start a family . You are lucky .

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056842894

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056853667

Just two from the last month

LegacyUser

Drinking most nights is not normal IMO. Since my teens, I have always been a 6/7 beers on friday and saturday night kind of person. Then from around my mid-20s I started having a "treat" of having a six pack on a tuesday or wednesday. Then it was a few more on a sunday to 'chill out' before the start of the week. Not an huge amount of alcohol compared to a serious drunk, but not healthy for the body, mind or wallet. A massive waste of money really. Now, I have pretty much given up the gargle, had enough of the cycle of drink, feel good, feel bad, look forward to my next few beers. It's a sh!tty cycle, and it's pathetic.

I suffer a little from anxiety, but from personal experience, beer will provide temporary relief and thens it's back with a bang the next day. Overall, it just gets worse with alcohol. Now I just go easy on caffeine and have a cup of camomile tea every evening.

I agree with a previous poster...an ultimatum or 'nagging' won't make him stop drinking. He has to want to reduce his intake himself. Encouragement to stop? yes. Order to stop? no.

Best of luck, to you and to him.

CaraMay

sffc wrote: »

The OP has anxiety too! (

And im sure his is worsened by her controlling.

I agree there should be no commitments and / or kids in this relationship - it's not a healthy one for a variety of reasons.

DeltaWhite

How is she controlling?? He does what he wants anyway by drinking so how exactly does OP have "control" over him!

I have to say I am absolutely gobsmacked by the replies on this.. No wonder there are so many alcoholics in this country with the "Irish Drinking" attitude.

My brother is the same OP, he drinks EVERY single night, 6 bottles of beer and a bottle of wine. He seems to think this is fine?
It isnt fine. Ever. Drinking that much during the week is not ok. I think you should sit down and have it out with him. Lay it all out and tell him your worries about the future. I totally agree with you I would be worried too

RossFixxxed

DeltaWhite wrote: »

How is she controlling?? He does what he wants anyway by drinking so how exactly does OP have "control" over him!

I have to say I am absolutely gobsmacked by the replies on this.. No wonder there are so many alcoholics in this country with the "Irish Drinking" attitude.

My brother is the same OP, he drinks EVERY single night, 6 bottles of beer and a bottle of wine. He seems to think this is fine?
It isnt fine. Ever. Drinking that much during the week is not ok. I think you should sit down and have it out with him. Lay it all out and tell him your worries about the future. I totally agree with you I would be worried too

Please take this post onboard. Ignore anyone projecting the ah sure it's only a bit of booze. It's a lot of booze on top of mental health issues. Anyone with a grain of sense will know that it is a recipe for disaster and I can say that with absolute certainty.

I know 2 people who died in their 30's from drinking. And it started with half a bottle, then one, then two. He's at the one to two stage now... where next? Self medicating is not clever.

She's not controlling, and the projecting onto you is mind boggling in this. It isn't right. It's not a HUGE drama but it is wrong and you need to talk to him. He's making himself worse and you obviously care about him.

I hope it works out, but do look after yourself OP.


EDIT: It is worth pointing out that trying single handedly to save him may end up being nagging or perceived as controlling. I'm not saying just keep at him non stop. It's not 100% back and white. I just cannot understand the Irish attuitude to booze. 2 bottles of wine is a LOT and is really bad for you long term.

Read up on the AA questions. Can he stop drinking etc.

tcif

cazzak79 wrote: »

Il stay with him I love him just concerned for his wellbeing
I meant 1 or 2 bottles of wine
So far this week his been in pub tues and Wednesday drank prob 6 to 8 cans of Guinness plus bottle of wine!

I don't think it's normal at all and I think you're right to be concerned. No matter how much you love him, you can't make this change for him - he has to make it for himself. If he feels he can't do without this much drink, there are avenues you can both turn to for help. But if he won't give it up or seek help you have to decide what's best for you - can you live with this? Do you really want to? Or is the best thing for you to do is move on? You need to be concerned for your own wellbeing here too

cazzak79

Thank you all for your replies
I suffer with anxiety so prob dont
I'm going to my parents for the weekend so next week of we get a quiet moment il have a chat
I'm not trying to control him just prefer if I have kids that they grow up with a dad

Katgurl

Table Top Joe wrote: »

Cant believe how many people think its fine to drink that much,think it says a lot about Irish culture,it doesnt matter if its normal either,it would still be unhealthy.....he clearly has an alcohol dependency of some sort,im all for partners doing their own thing but when what one of them is doing is effecting their health its both peoples concern,especially if you want a family


It is perfectly normal for Irish people to drink way too much.....its also bloody stupid

Would you mind not tarring all Irish people with the same brush? For a start I think most people misread it as a half bottle ie. two glasses which a lot of couples do - one while cooking dinner, one with. Even that wouldn't be for me OP, I think drinking at home is a bad habit, like smoking or always having biscuits around. But that's not really relevant. 1 or 2 bottles every night is definitely way too much especially if it means your relationship is suffering: when are you finding time to talk / spend time together / be intimate? Maybe you need to approach this from another angle - could you take up some hobbies together or join gym together? Is he drinking because he's bored?

But I agree with previous posters, it's him who ultimately needs to make decisions. It shouldn't be your responsibility to stop him drinking, you're not his mother. If he doesn't care enough about you and the relationship it might be time to start asking yourself some tough questions.

Czarcasm

cazzak79 wrote: »

Il stay with him I love him just concerned for his wellbeing
I meant 1 or 2 bottles of wine
So far this week his been in pub tues and Wednesday drank prob 6 to 8 cans of Guinness plus bottle of wine!

Jesus! I read back there and realised what all the fuss was about, one or two bottles, and then beer on top of it? OP that's a crazy amount of alcohol in fairness. Never mind even his health, but the thought of having a child with him should be the last thing on your mind unless he drastically changes his attitude. As a previous poster said- you're not his mother and it doesn't sound much like he takes your feelings into consideration anyway. Chances are you would quite literally be left holding the baby while he carried on drinking. He'd also spend very little time with the child if he is too unhealthy to do so.

Tetra

As a recovering alcoholic myself, (I've been sober for over a year now), I read this thread with interest. Yes, I believe that the OPs boyfriend has a problem. He is at the top of a slippery slope. However, you cannot change an alcoholic, and it is dangerous folly to try. He has to WANT to change. But there is excellent help is out there, for him, and for yourself as well. But first he has to admit that he has a problem, but he cannot change for you, or because you want him to. That is something he must decide for himself.

It's attitudes like this below, that annoy me:

sffc wrote: »

That's a lot OP! I'd run a mile , if he wants to ruin his life fair enough but don't ruin yours or your future children's.

After a year of therapy, AA meetings and aftercare, I can assure you that alcoholics are not people to be afraid of. Most alcoholics are ordinary people in a HUGE amount of pain, like myself. We don't all drink out of paper bags on the street.

Getting sober was the making of me...cos it enabled me to start working on myself and my life...and if the OPs boyfriend stays away from booze, there is no reason why he can't live a normal life.

LegacyUser

I'm a nurse working in a Cardiac Unit, and I can put my hand on my heart and tell you that with this level of drinking, coupled with his poor diet, you're boyfriend will have cardiac issues in his forties or (if he's lucky) his fifties.

And when I say cardiac issues, I mean at the least a stent or two, and possibly a bypass (I had a lad of 42 the other day for a quadruple bypass - his youngest is only four.)

Alcohol is a HUGE risk factor for heart attacks. Most of the younger men I see who come in for stents tell me during their assessment that they would drink a lot. Except of course, they don't see it as a lot, cos of our culture.

The other day I had one guy. I said would you drink much during the week? He said: Ah no, only at the weekend, y'know yourself. I would go to the pub with the lads every weekend, like everyone. I said, And so how much at the weekend? He said Weeellllll.....I suppose over the Friday night and the Saturday night I would drink about 20 pints....or thereabouts.

He thought this was normal. He was sitting up in the bed, with the big belly and the big fat neck on him, and with two stents put in him, and the poor wife there ashen-faced beside him, and he was shrugging off 20 pints X 52 weeks a year like it was nothing.

Its very hard to convince any man that they are drinking too much. They usually have to get an awful shock. I don't know how you can do it. But you do have to try, as otherwise you'll be the ashen-faced wife.

Table Top Joe

Katgurl wrote: »

Would you mind not tarring all Irish people with the same brush? For a start I think most people misread it as a half bottle ie. two glasses which a lot of couples do - one while cooking dinner, one with. Even that wouldn't be for me OP, I think drinking at home is a bad habit, like smoking or always having biscuits around. But that's not really relevant. 1 or 2 bottles every night is definitely way too much especially if it means your relationship is suffering: when are you finding time to talk / spend time together / be intimate? Maybe you need to approach this from another angle - could you take up some hobbies together or join gym together? Is he drinking because he's bored?

But I agree with previous posters, it's him who ultimately needs to make decisions. It shouldn't be your responsibility to stop him drinking, you're not his mother. If he doesn't care enough about you and the relationship it might be time to start asking yourself some tough questions.

Didnt mean to tar the entire country so ok....in general....

This country has a problem with alcohol,ask any Doctor or Nurse....or pretty much any intelligent person,half a bottle of wine a night before you get to the huge weekend drinking binge is still too much,its a dependency on alcohol



The second comment ive highlighted is a generalisation of your own,why is it a bad habit? ill be drinking a bottle of wine on my own tonight with dinner while watching a movie,thats all ill be having,this brings me back to the point i made about attitudes here,i have friends who think its weird and not healthy to drink on my own,even tho its one bottle of wine or maybe 5 cans,even though this is all ill drink for the week and some times ill go 2 or 3 weeks without any alcohol they find it odd.......these same friends think nothing of getting plastered all day Friday and/or Saturday(easily over 10 pints and countless shots)....and the odd time they go for "an ol cure" on Sunday


I got a text from a friend awhile ago actually,one of them puked his guts up on the street last night,dying sick....and theyre off out again tonight....."for the craic"(they went away for the weekend,i wasnt interested and im saving)the guy who puked is the guy who thinks its "f*cked up" i drink on my own every now and then:rolleyes:



My point above wasnt directed at you btw,again i meant it in general(i dont mean that in a smart ass way)its just another example of how our attitude to drinking here is often about how drunk you can get as opposed to just enjoying a drink every now and then

The Corinthian

Drinking half a bottle of wine in the evening, every evening, at home would probably be considered a problem in most continental European countries.

For example, if drinking wine at home in say Italy or France, you'll generally do so only with meals and even then it tends to be watered down, so that in the end you will at most drink the equivalent of one, perhaps two, glasses at most. Drinking undiluted wine is something you do in special occasions, when you buy more expensive wine that merits it - typically in restaurants or the like. Drinking undiluted wine at home, tends to be something you only find in countries where there's no wine-drinking culture to begin with.

If it's beer, then again, the amount is moderate when drinking at home, in say Germany, 50cl or even just a 33cl bottle, with your meal. You'll drink more if you're out, but again that's not a quiet evening in, plus - unlike Ireland - a meal will likely form part of the evening, even if just some sausages and bread or potato salad.

Overall, a lifestyle that involves drinking half a bottle of wine at home, every evening, would be considered very unhealthy in most of continental Europe, especially in the south. And given the difference in both lifespans and quality of health between the British Isles and most of continental Europe, I would contend that the latter probably have a better chance of having it right.