Struggling to move on

LegacyUser

My now ex boyfriend came around two weeks ago wanting to break up, it was totally out of the blue. We talked and I tried to see why but he vas very vague, he left and said we'd try and fix things. He came round 4 days later wanting to break up again but seen I was making progress in my own issues and said we'd give it a few weeks. He came around 4 days later again with a bag of all my stuff. I knew.

I asked him why and he said I was smothering him, and I then asked how and he said 'I texted him too much, and bought him too many gifts' and that the damage was done. He cried for about 40 minutes saying he never meant to hurt me as I had explained all I had gone through but he left then just worried if I was going to be ok.

I was just starting to rebuild after he left, my mate messaged me asking if I wanted to come work for him in London (no concrete offer but it looks like it could go ahead), I was spending time with friends I had neglected for a year because I spent a lot of time with my ex, I was getting out and meeting new people (something I hadn't done in a long time) and trying to come to terms with what had happened.

I seen that he had been pushing me away for months, not once was I ever taken on a date, he'd never ask me around if his friends were there, he'd never come to my place or make an effort to spend time with my friends the same way I did with his (some are still very good friends now to me). The only time he'd bother texting me was when he wanted sex, he'd just reply to anything I said, very little conversation. We still had great times when we were together but he'd just be flaky with any plans we made, blowing me off to play video games etc. I had tried for months to get him out of the house, go for food, a film, but he always just ensured I forgot about it.

He texted me on Monday asking if I was ok and it was like a wound was just ripped open again, I just started to get so emotional, so angry (I started punching a wall). I feel like I can't escape him, I sit in my house and just see him there, I have to cycle past his work every day, I just see him everywhere in town. Its constant reminders. I hid him on Facebook, hid all the gifts he got me but I just know hes there.

My heart just wants him to come round the corner and try, properly, because those reasons for leaving 'the most amazing man he ever met' (his words) just don't really cut it with me. He was so loving, so thoughtful and yes his actions did hurt me but at the time I glossed over it. I just keep slipping into a pattern of loneliness, regret, sadness and anger and I don't really know how to deal with them. My friends just say let it happen, go through them, but I am going through them. I'm trying not to blame him, me or anything but its all I can do. I just don't know if I can forgive him and thats something I've always been able to do with everyone, forgive them, for my own sake of peace.

I know I have to get out, meet people, spend time with friends, concentrate on me and I am, but I just feel I can't move on, the constant reminders, the constant feelings just flooding me all the time. I'm really struggling to try and move on because my head is telling me to, its telling me its the best thing to do but my heart just isn't going with it. I think about him all the time, I go to sleep and I dream about him, last night I dreamt about him twice and woke up in a sweat. I just want to stop feeling this way and I'd appreciate any advice on how to.

kat.mac

I'm sorry about your break-up, but what you're going through has been experienced by millions of people. All I can say is that after two weeks, it's bound to still be very raw, all you can do is give it time. You *will* notice that you think about him less and less. You *will* realise that you haven't cried in a week... Time is the best healer. It honestly, genuinely gets better and easier. Don't beat yourself up about feeling sad and don't feel like you have to be moving on already, give yourself time to heal!

LegacyUser

I want to move on but:

- Part of me wants him to come back and actually fix this
- Part of me wants to know exactly why, that flakey excuse is just hard to deal with
- Part of me really wants to move on but its the constant reminders really affecting me at the moment.

Flutterby80

I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible but as the previous poster says you will eventually start to feel better. Right now it's still so raw and your being far too hard on yourself . I'm almost 6 months down the line from a bad break up and I still have the odd bad day , usually after I've had a dream about him or just feel a bit lonely but it passes again. I know it's hard but when your feeling low remind yourself of the negative aspects of your relationship , the things that annoyed you about him and maybe make a list of things you want from your next relationship. In this way you can feel that you have learned something from all this and all is not lost, doing this helped me anyway. Good luck and it will get easier.

IrishEyes19

Hi,OP.

First of all sorry to hear about your break up. It's a horrible feeling, nothing can make it better until time sorts it. I know that.

I think you should take the London offer should it arise. I also think you dodged a bullet. I can understand that there were some very good times in your relationship, but the negatives you mentioned are huge deal breakers in my opinion.

Only texting for sex is not on. Neither is not making an effort to go out and do something nice for a change. that isn't asking much, OP. It really isn't. You deserve better. Block his number, delete on fb. These types of people never leave, OP, they leave traces of themselves just enough so that they can text randomly months down the line and leave again, leaving you in a mess. I may sound harsh, but I've seen it before. And the person you have to be the hardest on during a break up is yourself. And that requires picking up your dignity, and deleting contact.


best of luck.

beks101

tryingtomoveonwithlife wrote: »

I want to move on but:

- Part of me wants him to come back and actually fix this
- Part of me wants to know exactly why, that flakey excuse is just hard to deal with.

Just let yourself want these things. It doesn't mean you're not dealing with the breakup and it doesn't mean you have to act on them.

We tend to beat ourselves up about "not moving on fast enough" when going through a breakup, but you're a human being, not a robot, of course you still love and want this man! In time that will change, but just recognize your feelings for what they are because ignoring them or fighting them will just add another layer of shame/depression/hurt to what is already a tough tough situation.

Cry, vent, get angry, go for a 20 mile run, do what makes these feelings easier to deal with. It's so recent that you have no perspective on how wrong this man is for you right now; that will come in time.

Hang in there, it does get easier x

cantdecide

The first thing I'd say is don't destruct your current life. It will be filled with reminders of him but that's not a good enough reason to abandon it. You will need the stability of the friends you already have. As above, permit yourself to have good days. Permit yourself to have bad days. Just keep moving forward as best you can on any given day. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to like booking that holiday or doing that fun thing you always wanted to do. You are being very sensible about your attitude to rebuilding your life and the ground beneath you will start to feel less shaky as time goes by.

LegacyUser

I agree, I'm taking healthy steps and choices to ensure I don't put all of my eggs in one basket again.

I'm out meeting new mates
Out doing new things
Enjoying time by myself by doing things other than sit on the internet all evening
Moved my TV out of my room, my room is only for sleeping in now (I did tend to spend all my time in there).
Applying for jobs, i'm actually quite in the running for an amazing job in the UK at the moment.


I know theres some several good points about myself, I'm a kind person, a great boyfriend by most people's standards, I can make friends easy. These are things I'm not going to lose, i'm just going to augment my life. Booking a holiday today for next month, applying for a job every day. Building up again, I don't need to change myself to do this.

Everytime I think about him now, and I still do, I remember all those days he disappointed me, all the times I let these events happen. I'm still going to have happy memories and by doing that it might cloud those but really, dwelling on how happy I used to be isn't going to make me any happier in the present.

It might seem like I'm deconstructing my life by moving, but really its something I've wanted to do for the last 7 years but always let people stand in my way and let myself keep me here. Its time I'm the selfish one!