Proposal question: asking mother's blessing as gf's father has passed away..?

ergo

as above, that is my question?

my girlfriend's father died a number of years ago now, long before I met her. I am planning to propose but we wouldn't be getting married until 2014 and one of her siblings getting married this year - am thinking we might keep the engagement to ourselves for a while and I know my girlfriend's mother would probably (let's face it, definitely!) not keep a secret..I don't mind going public but am wary my gf might not want to or might not want a long dragged out public engagement (or maybe I'm wrong..)

so should I ask her mother / run it by her...? also it's an 8 hour round trip to see her in person so that could be an issue or I could possibly do it over the phone..also herself and her mother are in regular contact (ie. almost daily phone calls) but I wouldn't describe them as very close tbh, they are close enough but not very close if that makes sense

appreciate any opinions

Borderfox

Keep it to yourselves until you are comfortable, watch out when you announce it regarding the other wedding lest they have a hissy fit for taking away from their wedding.

Clareman

Why not propose to herself and if she says yes ask her what she wants to do? Lets be honest, the whole asking permission is a tick the box exercise now and you don't expect to get refused so it has little bearing on the overall engagement. A friend of mine did it this way and brought his mother in law out for dinner to ask her permission, this was after they had a ring bought

SmilingLurker

I proposed to my (now) wife, and did not ask permission/blessing. I knew her well enough that she would not have wanted me to ask them.

It depends on the situation, and what your girlfriend would like.

Good luck with the proposal!

ABajaninCork

Aw, I think that's sweet asking for her mother's blessing...:)

It's just a tick in the box really, isn't it? But I still think it's nice to ask. My husband proposed, and we only told our parents after. He did ask for my father's blessing though, which I think my old man appreciated.

Go for it OP!

Lots of luck for your engagement and beyond.

ergo

thanks for the replies, just wanted to test the water out there

she was very close to her father and I think I would definitely have asked him beforehand if he was still alive

but the further complicating thing here is if we want to go public sooner or hold off with that until later especially with the sibling only just engaged

I think will go ahead with the proposing first (not exactly sure when, I have to say, but soon...) and look for the blessing after - I definitely can't imagine her saying "did you ask my mother" when I do propose.....hopefully not anyway..!

Neyite

Why not use the siblings engagement to guage your girlfriends opinion on asking her mother?

Just ask if sisters fiance asked the mammy beforehand, and if that's the done thing in their family etc.

ergo

Neyite wrote: »

Why not use the siblings engagement to guage your girlfriends opinion on asking her mother?

Just ask if sisters fiance asked the mammy beforehand, and if that's the done thing in their family etc.

her brother got engaged so her mammy wasn't in picture for that engagement (until after it happened that is!) - if she had a sister who had gotten engaged that would've helped alright

PhoenixParker

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Tradition is to propose to the girl.
Then, when you have secured her agreement, you go and ask her fathers permission.
Traditionally while she was in the next room telling her mother about it.

Read any Jane Austen book or old manners guide and you'll see that that's how it was done.

So ask her, then ask her if she wants you to ask her mother for permission in the traditional manner.

Luca Brasi

ergo wrote: »

her brother got engaged so her mammy wasn't in picture for that engagement (until after it happened that is!) - if she had a sister who had gotten engaged that would've helped alright

Perfect opportunity for you to become the favourite in law "not like that other tramp that took away me son without as much as a bye or leave"

Bonus points all the way and extra helpings of dessert!!!

IK09

Hey man,

When i was a kid, my father-in-law always slagged me, sayin "ah...ul have to have my permission before ya do any marrying around here". He was only pullin the piss out of me but, i decided that for the easy life i.e he couldnt slag me about not asking him for permission, that id ask him.

So i called into his work, coming up to his lunch break. (He loves coke cola, doesnt drink) So with 2 cans i went in. Asked him, he said of course, was delighted! welcomed me to the family and almost cried! So he said "**** going to work for the rest of the day!" so we went back to my fiancees house and smoked cigareets and drank coke and just sat around chatting for a few hours. He even kept the secret for me for a couple of weeks.

When i proposed, he was delighted, couldnt get over it, said he could die happy now that he had someone to look after his little girl.

He died last summer. But if i hadnt asked his permission, i would feel bad now. Even though he was only messin, it was just the right thing to do with the way things worked out.

Either way, you'll have nothing to regret if you ask permission man, im so happy i did

Theboinkmaster

I would ask for the blessing. Not required but it's a nice touch IMO.

All you have to think about is if you had your own daughter and raised her for 30 years would you like (but not expect) another bloke to do the same...