Girlfriend driving me insane

LegacyUser

Hi all.
Per the title, my girlfriend is driving me up the wall.

I am based close to where she lives but I'm a student and am away from home during term times, usually returning at weekends. Most weeks the longest we go without seeing each other is 4 or 5 days.

Since we first met we have texted a lot. I didn't mind it at the start but now that we're past the novelty stage of it it's gotten a bit boring. She forces conversation a lot of the time and if I don't text every 15 minutes throughout most of the day I end up with a moody grumpy girlfriend. 99% of the time I physically amn't capable of this, due to work and sometimes pure frustration, and she gets the hump. I've talked to her about it plenty of times and she keeps saying she'll try and cool it with the texts but it usually lasts about a day and then straight back to normal. Then we have a big falling out, bla bla, we make up, she says she'll cop on a bit and I'll try and make the effort to talk with her more (which I seriously do but for some reason she thinks I don't) and then again, back to square one within a day.

I don't mind talking on the phone with her at all, in fact most of the time I really like it, once I'm not trying to get work done, talk to someone else etc. But again there's the odd time where the conversation is naturally supposed to end, but I daren't say I'd better go or anything because she'll get the hump, so I'm forced to sit on the phone with not a word said sometimes for more than a full minute. I do try and make conversation but some days there's not that much to talk about. It seems like a lot of the time all she cares about is racking up texts or time spent on the phone.
Also, any time I try and chill out with a few friends/my housemates for an hour or two and I'm not texting frequently she flies off the handle. She gets on with all my friends and my roomies as well, so it's not about them. I'm basically not allowed to have free time if I'm not going to devote a lot of it to using my phone in some way - it's quite hard to hold a conversation with someone if you're sending a text every few minutes.

As I've said I've brought up the issue with her a number of times. It always results in a big argument because she initially refuses there's anything wrong even though I'm clearly telling her I'm unhappy. I think she's developing a serious issue of some sort - she can get a little obsessive about texting/calling/staying over with me as much as possible, sometimes staying at my (parent's!) house for 7 days straight - her house is fairly nearby. To be honest I cannot see myself succeeding any way in the career I'm studying for if I were to try and spend the amount of time she wants me to on the phone/with her and that really bothers me as I'm busting my ass in college to break into the field. I think it is also starting to affect some friendships as a few of my friends have told me they are fed up of me half paying attention to them and have gone off talking to someone else/left my house altogether.

I've tried everything.
Sat down and talked calmly with her about it, ended with a big fight.
Tried weaning her off texting by spacing out replies more and more, ended with a big fight + way more time spent on phone calls.
Tried to put up with it but I'm close to breaking point here.

Anyone got any ideas for me?

Merkin

Stop humouring her. Talk to her before you go to bed and say you've a busy day in college tomorrow and you will be incommunicado as you've decided not to bring your phone to college.Tell her you'll phone her in the evening when done. Stop facilitating her and tell her to cop on.So what if she gets grumpy and throws her toys out of the pram, tell her the constant bombardment of inane communication is boring you rigid and that you're occupied during the day.Stop replying and be firm about when you'll talk to her next.

daisybelle2008

Jesus OP, really stop discussing this with her, she is not listening. Switch off the phone when you are in college, entertaining friends or with family. Tell her she can like it or lump it. She has some issues she needs to address herself, you are only enabling her by allowing her to treat you that way.
Stop being rude to your friends, stop neglecting your college and life to entertain your insecure, needy girlfriend, it is absolutely not helping her or the situation. Tell her it is for her own good otherwise she will suffocate you...I'd break up with her if she keeps being so dismissive and selfish about you having a semblance of a life outside her...

LegacyUser

As I said I've already tried just cutting it out.
I've tried the switching my phone off, not answering etc.
I end up turning my phone on to 8 texts, 5 missed calls and 3 voicemails, and then the next time I see her in person she's miserable and moody, calling me this and that, saying I don't make enough time/effort, it;s not fair on her etc.

Similarly, any time I try and cut a phone call shorter than what she wants she drags out goodbyes for about 10 minutes and often tries to start another conversation/tell me a story and I feel bad just cutting her off or just hanging up. I've tried just steamrolling her and rushing it saying bye etc. and then she texts me saying i hung up on her and im an arsehole bla bla bla.

Do you think I should keep at this? I went down this road for about a month but it had little to no impact and she was basically a moody cow most of the time when I was home.

The thing that most annoys me is that she's only like this when it suits her. When a friend of hers calls to her house/she goes out I get some bittersweet peace. It's a huge relief but at the same time it majorly pisses me off that she doesn't make the effort she unrealistically expects of me. She even admitted to me that the only time she texts me while she's out is when she's in the bathroom.

LegacyUser

One other thing I forgot was that I sat her down for a chat one time about it and presented her with my phone bill for the previous month. Now, I had only barely gone over my monthly allowance, I wasn't giving out about money. I showed her the bill as evidence that I really was doing way too much texting etc.

The network I'm with send a paper bill listing off every text and call you make each month. I pulled out the pages listing off my texts and showed them to her. There were something like 11 or 12 pages worth of texts. I even counted how many were listed on a page and skimmed over each page, looking at the numbers each text was sent to and about 90% of them were to her.
The number I came up with after all this was over 800 texts to her in one month, (but I said 700 to allow for miscalculations) which averages at something like 36 per day. On top of that there were numerous lengthy phone calls, which totaled up to around 8 hours calls to her (not including calls from her which were probably of equal or less time).

At first she had me believing that maybe I wasn't making enough effort, but then I thought about checking the bills. Each monthly bill is now around the same size more or less. Me being home during the summer didn't have a huge impact on the size of the bills, although she says she wants to talk so much because we're apart during the week.

Would I be right in saying this is a ridiculous amount of phone activity?

Taltos

To be honest I am just exhausted at the thought of this OP.
Being brutally blunt here - if you have tried talking to her about this and she still refuses to change then she is leaving you with only one option - walk away.

Focus on your career and friendships and try to enjoy what time you have left in college. Constantly being forced to engage with someone on their terms to the detriment of your friendships is neither good nor acceptable.

Sorry OP - but in my opinion you have tried all you can and maybe being faced with the results of her actions (though I doubt it) will cause her to grow up a bit for her next relationship. Really sounds like she has some growing up to do but that is not your job..

Stavro Mueller

It's not just the phone activity that's the problem here. In general she sounds clingy, insecure and immature. In your first post you mention her staying/ visiting you in your parents house 7 days in a row. If circumstances were different and you weren't away at college, it sounds like the girl would be practically living with you and following you to the bathroom.

I suspect she has already killed this relationship with her behaviour and her inability to change. I agree with Taltos. She has shown an unwillingness to change and she's not doing you any good. You need to be focusing on your college work and future career at this stage and I hope you don't allow her behaviour to scupper this. I would hate for you to look back on this in years to come and ask yourself what on earth were you thinking,

CaraMay

Op she is scarily needy and this isn't going to chance any time soon. Tbh you are feeding it by allowing her revert to bad behaviour despite having had numerous chats with her.

I can't even imagine how claustrophobic this is for you and you have two choices which are either put up with it (as talking to her doesn't work) or walk as its not going to get better.

Honestly op you are young and have your whole life ahead of you - you don't need this cr@p

Merkin

After reading your further posts OP I've of the opinion that you have to cut her loose. For a relationship to work, partners need to be on a similar wavelength and it's an attractive quality to be with someone who has a busy life and is making the most of their time and abilities. It gives a couple lots to talk about. You certainly seem to be ambitious and interesting.

Your girlfriend on the other hand seems to be solely existing for you and her endless, non-stop and mindless contact with you. It seems like she is quite literally consumed by you and your every waking moment while she lives a rather empty and vaccuous life and is wholly dependent on you to fill that void. This is desperately unhealthy. This will also ultimately bring you right down as her neediness turns into obsession and her demands become more ridiculous. You've tried having an adult conversation about this and she hasn't been receptive - I'd ultimately just let her go hon, she's holding you back.

Dark Phoenix

This is a method of controlling you OP and its something you have to put a stop to for your own sanity. having to text someone every 15 minutes is just mad behaviour - surely she cannot have anything new to say so often. This also must mean its impossible for you to know whats a missed call about something important from a missed call thats just looking to have a chat about nothing.

is she lonely during the week - does she have any hobbies or does she spend much time with friends? She just seems to be relying on you to live her life through and she can;t be getting much done if she is texting you non stop

If she won't listen you will have to decide what to do next - either you resign yourself to tolerating this behaviour or you dont!

Lux23

Maybe before cutting her loose, just say to her this is really affecting our relationship and if it continues I will have to end things. I know it sounds cowardly to threaten someone, but it obviously isn't getting through to her how stressful you find this.

R.D. aka MR.D

You sound like a very sweet guy putting up with this but i have to ask why are you putting up with this?

Are there good things in the relationship that overshadow this?

You said she is moody and to be honest it sounds like she is controlling.

You deserve some one that is good to you. Giving you a hard time about texting and not realizing that it is important that you have your own friends and own time doesn't sound very good. There are plenty of girls out there that are more mature than that.

You can give her one more chance if you like but I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if the contact doesn't become more reasonable then that's it.

I know every relationship is different but for me personally ( i've only been seeing my bf on weekends for the past 6 months) I think one text a day just checking in is fine and that might lead to a little chat if either of you have something to chat about. Or if you are making plans for the weekend or something then it might require more texting. Basically, try to come to a compromise.

jammywammy

Not a great situation. Why are you actually with this girl? She defo sounds like her life revolves around you and it sounds like her 'happiness' is completely derived from you. Not good! She has issues and quite frankly sounds like she is bored. Wants it to be more than it is.
It could end up that all you ever talk about is the issue of the phone calls/texts.
Anyway, if you have told her this is not good for you she should respect that. She hasnt and is having a strop about it. Even if she does give you space I would think it would be bubbling under the surface for her and she would take up some other way of trying to get some attention from you. She needs to look at her problems.
I would hate to be on the receiving end of that. Is it really worth it? Good luck with it

kat.mac

Op, from my perspective having read your post, your girlfriend is controlling, borderline obsessive, clingy, needy, insecure, immature, moody and difficult. Your friends are pissed off at you because she demands so much of your attention and you're worried her behaviour will have a negative impact on your college work. Sitting down with her and having an adult conversation hasn't worked. She has no interest in how you feel, what your worries are, how her demands are impacting your life.

You need to give your career and friendships the attention they deserve. A normal relationship with a reasonable girl would allow you to do that. Walk away and breathe a sigh of relief!

yaargh8

Forget to bring the phone with you next week . Ring her off a payphone explaining . Dump her if she has a meltdown . A week without the phone may do her good .

desertcircus

If this is a repeated issue, and if she reverts to old behaviours within a couple of days, then there's not really much else you can do. You can present an ultimatum - this changes or we split - but I don't know how likely it is that that will work, and there's always the possibility that it'll reappear after a few weeks.Unfortunately, it seems as though the only real option is to split up with her; you don't seem happy in the relationship and your repeated efforts to fix what's making you unhappy are being either ignored or treated as selfishness. Split up and ignore all calls and texts.

kylith

When she sends you the first text of the day reply with 'Sorry, in college. Talk to you when I get home', or words to that effect. Do this every day until she gets the message. If you think she might be insecure you could send her a 'thinking of you' text at lunchtime.

If she keeps going mental over something so trivial as you not texting often enough then you may have to make some decisions regarding whether or not you're willing to continue with the relationship.

Isolt

Dump the psycho. I'm in bad form just reading about it. She's a bunny boiler, insecure, selfish and immature. What a catch, eh?

dannyc31

yeah OP it seems strange that you are still in this realtionship at all. what exactly are you getting out of it? are you just falling foul to the "its too much hassle to end things? or perhaps you are worried what your family and friends will think of you if you ended things with her all of a sudden? everything you've described would be all the wrong reasons you would enjoy being in a relationship, so i ask you why are you still in it?

you have made it very clear that your career focus is number 1 and so it should be while you are in college and trying to get the best grades you can. she should be supportive of you trying to meet your highest potential not doing your head in every day of the week. seriously you must have the patience of a saint to be putting up with this i'd last about a week max with someone like that, as others have said she has alot of the worst traits someone could have in a relationship, needy, selfish, obsessive, insecure clingy, i'm failing to see the attraction?

if its a case of not wanting to hurt her, you should not hold that on yourself as you have giving her plenty of warnings that you need to focus on your studies. i guess the problem is, that she was probably like this from day 1 and you went along with because it was the honeymoon period and you just wanted to please her but the problem with that is, is that it seems like you are now pulling back from her. Due to her insecurities she probably feels she's losing you somewhat and so is getting obsessively needy to be in touch all the time.

my advice to you would be to sit her down and say you think we we need a break for a while. no need to bring up all the texting and ringing as an issue just make it about you and not her. tell her you just dont have time for her at the moment and its not fair on her as your main focus is your studies.

then on the break you can decide if you actually want to go back there at all or do you want to be done with her bugging the bejesus out of you for good. i know whcih one i'd be picking :rolleyes:

a posse ad esse

dannyc31 wrote: »

if its a case of not wanting to hurt her, you should not hold that on yourself as you have giving her plenty of warnings that you need to focus on your studies. i guess the problem is, that she was probably like this from day 1 and you went along with because it was the honeymoon period and you just wanted to please her but the problem with that is, is that it seems like you are now pulling back from her. Due to her insecurities she probably feels she's losing you somewhat and so is getting obsessively needy to be in touch all the time.

Good point and something that people dismiss at the beginning of any relationship.

I honestly think the best thing is to pack up and leave. You are at both at different wavelengths. You are focused on your studies and a career. What is she focused on? Is she studying at the moment? Working? Doing anything for herself? I think if she has another purpose in life other than just her relationship it might help a little bit. If not, well all she has is her focus on you which is not healthy imo. I just cannot understand how someone has that much time to be doing all that texting and calling. I agree with other posters that she is clingy and needy. I think you are not well suited for each other because it sounds like she does not share or support the same prospects as you.

Honey-ec

Tbh, OP, it sounds like it's dead in the water - do you even like this girl?

It sounds like she has absolutely no life other than you, and that's a recipe for disaster. As for her treating your family home like a halfway house - I can tell you exactly what my parents would have had to say about that if anyone in my family had tried it.

Cut the ties and move on. The longer you leave it, the harder it's going to be, for both of you.

Brego888

Man OP i'm tired even reading this thread. I'd be pulling my hair out in your shoes! Any girlfriend i've ever had is lucky to get one or two texts off me a day when i'm not with them and they never expected anymore.

You've set a precedent in this relationship of what is acceptable by letting this happen. Its going be hard for her to change. But insist on it with some tough love and planned ignoring.
Otherwise let her go, for your own sanity.

RossFixxxed

One question OP, and it's a genuine one not sarcastic or rhetorical: why are you with her?

My head hurts reading about it. If you can't talk to her or explain why you aren't happy with this you have an issue. If she won't listen, or fobs you off, you have an issue.

dannyc31

One question OP, and it's a genuine one not sarcastic or rhetorical: why are you with her?

i asked the same question. OP it really is an important question. by the sounds of it there are no positives going on in this relationship at all. of course we have only your point of view to go from. maybe if we heard from her we would get a different story. if not i'm wondering why you are with her? you might want to ask yourself that because you might be suffering with your own issues preventing you from moving on from her with your life, have you two become too reliant on each other for emotional stability which happens in alot of relationships? even thou the irony is, emotional stability is the last thing you are getting in this relationship.

Mansized Wreath

Dump her OP and move on.

Standman

She's very manipulative and will try to continue manipulating around anything you do to improve things in your favour.

I know from experience what a headfuck this can be; constantly second guessing yourself, always feeling like you are in the wrong, feeling like you are in debt to her somehow, etc. It will drive you crazy eventually.

Just remember that you don't owe her anything and you have every right to go about your life as you see fit. This also includes the right to break up with her which I believe is the only solution here.

dollypet

From your post it seems that your are "putting up" with this. A realationship is not about "putting up" with behaviours that are so easily changed.

You've mentioned to this girl that this is an issue with you and your not comfortable. She has accepted this and tried to change - so she sees that it is too much. But then reverts to old ways after a couple of days. So she sees it but in the end is unwilling to really change. Thats childish.

It up to you to use this or no- But for me, this would be over- you've talked everyway you could and given umpteen chances- I personally think you've been very fair. Its now about realising how much is too much

Carson10

Get rid of her....Ur a student FFS. you should be out making the most of it, not stuck on the fone talking to some moody cow. Students are ment to be single. Relationships are for when you have to turn boring after college and get a job.

Scarinae

If you're texting every fifteen minutes and spending that much time talking on the phone, how do you actually have enough to talk about? And this is coming from the perspective of someone who is in a long distance relationship. Communicating with her is actually stopping you from doing stuff, which is wrong.

Usernumber5 wrote: »

To be honest I cannot see myself succeeding any way in the career I'm studying for if I were to try and spend the amount of time she wants me to on the phone/with her and that really bothers me as I'm busting my ass in college to break into the field.

Which do you think you will regret more in 5-10 years - breaking up with this girl, or that you didn't do well enough in college and couldn't get into your chosen career?