Disappointed Sexually

LegacyUser

Not sure how I can fix my disappointing sex life or if it even can be fixed. I'm a 26 year old male and I have never had sexual intercourse nor ever had a girlfriend. In my early teenage years before intercourse was an issue and it was all about kissing and feeling outside the clothes, I was very keen and had several kiss and tell partners but never a girlfriend.

Ultimately when I grew into my later teenage years, and sex became a factor, I became scared sh1tless. My first full on sexual invite was in junior cert on the results night with a girl I ended up kissing, and I completely freaked out in my head and basically ran away from the situation leaving her very confused and disappointed.

After that, I stayed away from women in that sense until I was about 23, having never even kissed another girl in that space of time. Since 23 up to now I have had 4 roughly four sexual encounters, two of which I have backed down from, similar to the junior cert year and two of which I have bitterly tried to commit, to my ultimate disappointment and ridicule. In the two encounters, where I have tried to have sex, I have been unable to achieve an erection and was unable to have proper sex.

The result of this then led to one of the girls spreading rumours about me, and how sh1t in the sack I was, and that my 'manhood' resembled that of a 10 year old boy. I have been incredibly hurt by this as I never seemed to have any standard of sexual confidence in my life. To this day, I have been the butt of the joke between close friends whom I know very well and for years. My sexual confidence has been scared beyond repair this time. I have started to isolate myself from these people and avoid those that know about my last sexual encounter. Even in groups of peers, that I know are not aware of this situation, I become incredible uncomfortable and paranoid if any conversation or jokes surround the topic of sex.

I have also been scrutinised by both family and friends in the past before my problem became highlighted as to why I don't actively date girls and if there was a possibility of being gay. I have nothing against men or women or there sexuality if they are gay or not , but I am not gay, and I see is as another challenge to my sexuality, which at this stage has been the bane of my life.

I cant see myself ever finding a women to settle down with, and ultimately see myself an an 80 year old bachelor virgin.

Is there any hope for me, will I just have to live with this problem for the rest of my life?

Thanks for reading..

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Doubt there is very much I can say to help but I just wanted to let you know that I am a 24 year old woman and if I was to fall for someone who told me they had been having this problem I would be as understanding as I could. So I presume there are others out there. That girl that went around slagging you is obviously a low life. Most people aren't.

Have you had any counselling about this? It seems like you have some self esteem issues. You need to chill out about being an 80 year old bachelor. You are only 26! I know its easier said than done, but maybe work on meeting a girl that you really like and trust enough to share this issue with. Then you can try to work through it together. You seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself when it comes to sex. Maybe you should try to take it out of the equation next time you meet someone, don't rush it.

Thats just my two cents.

Merkin

I think if you seek professional help for this then it no longer needs to be an issue.It sounds like you have just been incredibly unfortunate in your encounters and this has left an unfortunate mark.A psychosexual therapist or similar would be best placed to help you work through your issues so you should ask your GP for a referral.There is nothing wrong with you, you've just been unlucky.

looksee

OP, your junior cert was a long time ago, let all that go, it is irrelevant to your current situation.

As to your present feelings about your sexuality, you are 26, adult yes, old, no. Maybe you are one of those people who need to have genuine feelings for your partner in order to have an intimate relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.

You tried to have sex with someone who was so uncommitted to you that she went and nastily told tales. There could not have been any more between you than casual sex, and maybe that's not the way you are made. Have enough belief in yourself to be willing to wait until you find someone you have real feelings about, and she feels the same about you.

Maybe you do need counselling, or maybe you need to widen your social circle in looking for a girlfriend.

Kevster

It was mentioned above that you were just unfortunate in your encounters, and I actually believe this to be true. In my own case, you know, I only lost my virginity at the age of 27 or 28 (I cannot even remember because it became an entirely unimportant issue to me).

I would suggest that you didn't make this the main focus of your life from now on and that you instead focussed on other things. If you do meet the 'right' person, then she will not judge you for the past and - to be honest - your past might not even have to come out as you get to know her. Just focus on going on, developing your life, meeting and getting to know people, and let things happen when they happen...

...no rush...

Take care
Kevin

Esoteric_

Firstly, as a woman, I would be nothing but supportive if a potential partner or someone I was dating told me that. I think you've just been unfortunate in the women you have had experiences with. I actually dated somebody for over a year who had the opposite issue to you - due to inexperience and fear, he could not get rid of his erection! He could maintain it, but not 'finish the job,' and while it was difficult because it also knocked my own confidence a bit, I just helped him through it. Most women are not as shallow or childish as the woman who spread those nasty rumours about you.

As was already suggested, it might be a good idea to speak to a professional, to fix your confidence issues. It can't hurt to give it a try.

Some people (myself included) just can't enjoy sex unless they care about the person. It's not a big deal at all, to be honest.

I'm not sure of what I can say to make it better for you, but honestly, your virginity or lack of experience isn't a big deal, and won't be an issue when you meet a nice person who you want to go out with.

You've had some bad experiences, but I'm sure most of us have had bad sexual experiences that knocked our confidence. I know I did! :pac:

Just relax a bit. Easier said than done, I know, but virginity isn't a big deal at all. There are plenty of women out there who would prefer a virgin to somebody who has slept with countless women (not that that's wrong, either!).

Your time will come. You're only a couple of years older than me, you're still young! I dated a guy several years older than you who is still a virgin and he doesn't see it as a big deal at all.

Yes, it can knock your confidence, but you have to think about it rationally - you have to be at least somewhat attractive to have gotten the offers that you have, so I'm sure there's absolutely nothing wrong with you!

Overheal

OP - do you actually tell any of these prospective sexual partners about your feelings on the matter, or do you just pretend its not even a problem until the last possible moment? When I finally lost it I had just turned 25 and I don't think I could have done it if we weren't both on the same page, and I was still nervous enough, getting started. I couldn't imagine going into it again with someone who had no idea it was my first time.

The reason I ask is because I can't imagine a girl spreading that kind of information around if she knew all the details.

Weathering

I'm going to get stick for this answer but go c a prozzy. just so u know the score then u will have lost that worry and confidence wont be an issue when the opportunity naturally arises

Weathering

u should have played that girl at her own game and said i couldn go near her she was riddled with crabs. fight fire with fire

Esoteric_

Weathering wrote: »

u should have played that girl at her own game and said i couldn go near her she was riddled with crabs. fight fire with fire

Why the hell would he stoop to such a childish level? If he were to say that, people would mostly believe she must have been right in what she said for him to have to jump in AFTER and say she has an STI.

As for the prostitute bit - it could very easily destroy what little confidence he has if he feels he has to pay for sex, when he could just wait til he meets the right person, a person who won't ridicule him, and have a mutually enjoyable experience.

Weathering

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Why the hell would he stoop to such a childish level? If he were to say that, people would mostly believe she must have been right in what she said for him to have to jump in AFTER and say she has an STI.

As for the prostitute bit - it could very easily destroy what little confidence he has if he feels he has to pay for sex, when he could just wait til he meets the right person, a person who won't ridicule him, and have a mutually enjoyable experience.

We have very different view points and that's cool. I've had situations where I've let things go and situations where I have played them back with fire

In fairness she was a complete c_nt,so I would have said that. Who the fck cares about stooping to her level,ur getting ur own back on the b1tch and by the sounds of it every1 believed her anyway with the slagging he was getting so that points invalid.

True that could happen with the prozzy,but she ain't gonna care what he is as long as he's paying. might be a welcome change for her from the usually sleazy customers she would get if he explained
He's just a bit of notes to her,he might be waiting a long long time for it naturally if he keeps that attitude and losing his virginity would boost him with confidence and I guarantee ya he'd have slept with a few women in the months after it

Taltos

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Carson10

Hi OP.

Whats your social situation? Do you have 1 or 2 friends, do you have 20 friends, do you drink or not? Do you go out in the same places every weekend, and see the same people? Where do you try to meet girls?

It sounds to me that you may need to build up your confidence and your not going to do this in your local nightclub. If maybe you and your friends on say a Sat nite were to go to the next town instead and go to nightclubs there you could meet girls who you wouldn't know and you could approach them without fear and the knowledge that if it goes wrong or they are not instrested they dont know you, so you wont be thinking in your head there going to tell all the people you know etc..

Organise a weekend away with your friends aswell if possible say to Dublin or Belfast and not only enjoy your weekend but use it as a way to build your confidence and approach girls etc. You would have nothing to loose. You will probably talk/approach more girls on 2 nites away than you would in 6 months in your local nightclub.

When it comes to Sex and the issues you are having there, when you meet girls and have the opportunity for bedroom activity, instead of jumping to the conclusion that you must have sex straight away, leave that for the next time! Again build up your confidence of being in the bedroom with a girl and get to a stage where you feel relaxed and nature will work itself. All you have to say is sorry dont got a condom and you dont play without one. If the girl is right for you then she will totally respect you for that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments. My hopeful outcome if I can ever resolve my issue would ultimately to find a girlfriend, not a casual sex partner. This poses two problems for me that I can see.

1. How can I obtain a girlfriend at my age if I am still a virgin she will inevitably want sex.
2. It appears I cant loose my virginity with casual sex as I have tried numerous times with failure. Visiting an escort would also be out of the question as it would surely produce the same results.

Stigmas I have about starting a relationship with someone is that I always attach sex as being the front front of the relationship, rather than building on emotional and personality security between a potential partner. I am convinced that if I began to date a girl, at a minimum, if we liked each other, she would surely be wanting sex by the third date? No? I could never imagine or picture myself to be telling a girl at my age that I am still a virgin. I have been so scared by past sexual encounters in the past, how could I trust anyone again? Very very difficult!!

I seem to have serious hangup's on the sex issue in general. I couldn't even picture myself having successful intercourse. Even if I imagined it in my head and pictured myself as confidence with a partner, in a heated bedroom situation, I still find it very difficult to imagine the act of penetration, yet I know is is something I want, as like all human beings, I have sexual urges, the same as anyone and long to be with a woman.

Maybe it is problems with intimacy, but ultimately, I am feeling very very confused about the hole thing in general. I would love to be able to pinpoint where this phobia has stemmed from in my life and have tried to identify it several times in the past with no success.

Kevster

1. How can I obtain a girlfriend at my age if I am still a virgin she will inevitably want sex.

You'd be surprised, actually, at how many people don't see it as a priority in life. Plus, the older you get, the more people begin to think about family. Granted, to have a family the natural way requires sex, but the ultimate aim in this instance is to create life.

2. It appears I cant loose my virginity with casual sex as I have tried numerous times with failure. Visiting an escort would also be out of the question as it would surely produce the same results.

Like I said previously, try your best to take your focus off sex and focus more on 'getting to know' [people]. I wouldn't even start trying to judge when a relationship starts or ends. When you meet the right person, things just happen and they fall into place.

Overheal

Disappointed Sexually wrote: »

Thanks for the comments. My hopeful outcome if I can ever resolve my issue would ultimately to find a girlfriend, not a casual sex partner. This poses two problems for me that I can see.

1. How can I obtain a girlfriend at my age if I am still a virgin she will inevitably want sex.
2. It appears I cant loose my virginity with casual sex as I have tried numerous times with failure. Visiting an escort would also be out of the question as it would surely produce the same results.

Stigmas I have about starting a relationship with someone is that I always attach sex as being the front front of the relationship, rather than building on emotional and personality security between a potential partner. I am convinced that if I began to date a girl, at a minimum, if we liked each other, she would surely be wanting sex by the third date? No? I could never imagine or picture myself to be telling a girl at my age that I am still a virgin. I have been so scared by past sexual encounters in the past, how could I trust anyone again? Very very difficult!!

I seem to have serious hangup's on the sex issue in general. I couldn't even picture myself having successful intercourse. Even if I imagined it in my head and pictured myself as confidence with a partner, in a heated bedroom situation, I still find it very difficult to imagine the act of penetration, yet I know is is something I want, as like all human beings, I have sexual urges, the same as anyone and long to be with a woman.

Maybe it is problems with intimacy, but ultimately, I am feeling very very confused about the hole thing in general. I would love to be able to pinpoint where this phobia has stemmed from in my life and have tried to identify it several times in the past with no success.

I went through similar, here's what I did. To the first bolded problem, I actively made the decision to befriend women who, from the outset, were never going to be viable partners. One of whom as I've said in other threads was a woman who was all but married with 2 children, and we went out as friends and when we shared our life stories we held nothing back (something you might not do if you were trying to "date" someone). This did a lot for my trust and my confidence issues.

Thats about as far ahead as you need to think, I feel. Go out there and meet some women your age with the express understanding that they aren't and will never be sexual or romantic partners.

Chronic Button

OP, you sound like a lovely bloke and women obviously fancy you. That's 90% of the battle won right there!

The basis of a good relationship is trust and friendship. You must learn to trust again. Choose your dates (and by the sounds of it, your friends too) with discernment. Date a woman with integrity.

Not everyone wants to dive into bed. I'm sure many women would find it refreshing if you took sex off the table til you were comfortable together. Plus it could build anticipation and excitement for both of you. Sex with someone you love is incredible.

I for one would not be put off by a partner with no sexual experience. In fact it would be my pleasure to initiate them into the delights.

Yes, you will be ok.

Esoteric_

Chronic Button wrote: »

OP, you sound like a lovely bloke and women obviously fancy you. That's 90% of the battle won right there!

The basis of a good relationship is trust and friendship. You must learn to trust again. Choose your dates (and by the sounds of it, your friends too) with discernment. Date a woman with integrity.

Not everyone wants to dive into bed. I'm sure many women would find it refreshing if you took sex off the table til you were comfortable together. Plus it could build anticipation and excitement for both of you. Sex with someone you love is incredible.

I for one would not be put off by a partner with no sexual experience. In fact it would new my pleasure to initiate them into the delights.

Yes, you will be ok.

Agreed with this 100%.

OP, as a woman of a similar age to you, I can tell you straight out that I would most definitely NOT expect sex on a third date. Actually, if someone tried to get me into bed on a third date, I'd be a bit píssed off because I prefer to wait til I actually know somebody to sleep with them.

It's not all about sex. Make friends with some women, get to know them without any sexual element and once you're used to being around women regularly, you'll find it easier to find a decent woman who won't be put off by your sexual experience or lack thereof.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've been in similar circumstances to you, so I know exactly where you're coming from.

My opinion is this...You've clearly been hurt, and that's fine, however you need to approach this in a positive sense. Being pessimistic about your situation will provide negative results.

It comes down to the girl that you eventually get to be with. If she's understanding of your situation, GREAT! If she really cares for you, she'll be respectful of your situation and guide you through whatever worries you have.

If she doesn't have this mentality? she's not worth being with. It's as simple as that to be honest. A result of how you think, is due to over thinking, and I'm assuming you're a big over-thinker as I'm one myself.

It's a confidence element at the end of the day. Finding the right woman will help you through this. Don't beat yourself up about this, it's more common than you think

Good luck in your endevours!

LegacyUser

So I have explained before that I have no issues meeting women but its the commitment of sex is what I fear. As it so happens, I went out with two friends last night that I have not seen in a few weeks. (one girl, one lad) The girl brought one of her female college friends along that I had not met before. Now, myself and this girl ended up hitting it off, even before a few drinks were had. So here's the deal. I was getting all the signs all night, lots of eye contact, laughing, and standing very close to me in the bar all night. As I didn't want to be scared off by the thoughts of sex and relationships, I took this out of the equation in my head, and approached the hole night as if I was just making a new friend. This actually worked well and no part of me was nervous because I had made a consciousness decision early in the night not to think of her as a possible sexual partner. Now at the end of the night, she was definitely giving me the green light to kiss her if I wanted, but I decided not to. I left her at the end of the night, and we just exchanged a kiss on each other's cheeks, and was quiet sweet actually. When I got home a big part of me was kicking myself for not kissing her, but another part of me wants to play it smart and maybe meet her again and see where things go, definitely a kiss on the second meeting if she is still interested. The burning question is i suppose, did I approach this too slowly?? Should I have nestled in for that Kiss and then see where things go, or have I kept her guessing and interested for the next time?? I'm not sure...

PS - She seems like a really nice girl, and not one to want to jump into bed at the drop of a hat.

miamee

Sounds good OP, a nice girl who is interested and you are not overcome with nervousness in her company. Doing things when they come naturally and not when you think you are 'expected' to kiss her will work out better. I hope you got her number or at least know when you will see her again with your friends. You like each other, no need to make a mad dash for the finish line. Just enjoy getting to know her, little by little

Kwijiboe

hi,
I have no advice to give you but to tell you I'm right there with you and I'm older, I'm 33 years and in the same situation as you but I didn't have those early experiences you had. When I was a teenager I was going through so much stuff like depression, wondering what was the point in living, suicidal thoughts, no one cared etc. Girls didn't factor in with me as a teen or early twenties, My little sis has two kids and I'm a doting uncle and I think it would be nice to have kids, being a 33 year old virgin with no place of my own, its not to be. If you have friends your very lucky, I don't have any friends I can go out with, only work colleagues s and the going out with them is xmas parties and I don't fit in with any of them I'm always the outsider. albeit bad experiences at least you had experiences of some description. on very rare occasions im out and I see a girl that's interested in me and I nearly panic coz I don't know what to say or do and im very shy and quiet as well, My lack of experience really goes against me. there's always someone better or someone worse off than you. could try internet dating etc, and joining clubs and what not.

LegacyUser

Hi again guys and girls, I need more advice!! ....

I made contact today with the aforementioned girl in my above post.. Just nice and chilled out conversation through text asking her how her exam results went and general chit chat of how the last night went, being the first night that we met and all. Harmless enough stuff, but she was quiet friendly, and I think it's possible she may be interested.. I asked her if she was going out again this weekend, to which I am still waiting on a response. If we were to meet this weekend, it would be my friends and hers, as I haven't asked her on an official date per say. What i am wondering is, will I be making my intentions towards her clear if it would be two groups of friends to meet up rather than asking her on a one to one date?? I would feel more comfortable having the second and possibly even third meet as a group situation before I ask her out on a one to one basis to be honest, just to allow us break all the initial ice so to speak and be nice and comfortable with each other!!

Also, and this question is fairly direct to the readers and posters of this thread, .... How long into dating ur current or past partners were you before sex was on the agenda?? As I have mentioned before committing to sex with someone I do not know very well seems to be my kryptonite!! Obviously I do not want to rush things with this girl, and I don't think she would be the type either, but how long into a relationship is the general time frame before a couple decide to sleep with one another? I know this may be different with different couples but even a rough estimate would be good!! I want to bide my time, but also don't want her to loose interest, if we still haven't slept with one another after lets say like three weeks!!

Obviously this is all here say as I don't even know yet if things will go anywhere with this girl as of yet.. I don't want to be getting ahead of myself but also want to be prepared and have the knowledge... I am soo niave when it comes to dating!!

miamee

A group thing sounds good if it suits you both. You can still spend a large amount of the evening talking to her with the support of your friends and hers in case you need a little break from talking

Regarding sleeping together, you are getting way ahead of yourself there again. Forget about that for now, there are lots of other things to think about first before you freak yourself out with a countdown to SÉXY TIME. Before all that there will be a first date (with just the two of you), first kiss, first hand holding, etc. I'm not the best person to give advice about how long to wait...but whenever it feels right and you are comfortable enough with each other to not be dying with nerves. It should be a fun and intimate experience with someone you like and who likes you enough to make sure you are comfortable and enjoy yourself. That could happen over a few weeks or months depending on how you both get on. She might be happy to wait a while herself, not everyone is jumping into bed with everyone despite what they'd have you believe

Overheal

Calm down Charlie Brown. You did the right thing by just putting sex out of the back of your mind and just making a new friend. Keep doing that. You can hug, and you can kiss someone without immediately thinking "Ok! Great! Tongue! Time for Third Base!"

It will take as long as it takes. You don't need to worry about her losing interest; when she's ready for all that, she will let you know. Just be a Sir, and she will be the one to initiate that. It's working well for you so far, just be fun and respectful. It could be days, weeks, hard to say except that as a general rule the more genuine you both are to each other the longer you both are more likely to wait. Probably not months, you two will know if you're that into each other before that long. More likely, you two will get to a point where if you are both into the idea that you would probably end up talking about it first, so don't spend too much time worrying about it happening right around every corner like a surprise pop quiz.

halpin17

Have sex with a escort or hooker get that first time voodoo off your back ull get ur burst of confidence and get back on track

ted1

halpin17 wrote: »

Have sex with a escort or hooker get that first time voodoo off your back ull get ur burst of confidence and get back on track

Ignore the above, she'll probably expect sex on the third date. Let her know your a virgin she'll be flattered you choose her and Indy teach you a few thingd

janeo80

Not all girls expect sex on the 3rd date, and many will be delighted you don't either. I am convinced once you put sex to the back of your mind, and build up those other feelings with a girl and spend enough time comfortably in each others' company, the desire for sex will follow in its own time, and in a natural way.

You can kiss for a couple of dates, you can just have a "sleepover" where you just enjoy spending the night together, and even if you're finding things difficult you can still...satisfy..her (TMI for this forum? sorry!). Just enjoy it and if it's gonna happen, it will be with someone you trust and have real feelings for, not just a casual hook up.

Once it's having sex with a particular girl in mind and not just having sex for the sake of sex, I think things will come togethr for you (no pun intended)... And you're obviously attracting plenty wimmins already and have an appeal so well done for that, you're a step ahead of plenty of people! And I would be very understanding of a partner who was in your situation... Move on from those wagons in the past, your future's bright