Friend's Annoying Boyfriend...And My Party

damselnat

Hi guys, I know this is quite trivial compared to a lot of things on here, but hopefully that will mean I can get it cleared up pretty easily!

Basically, I am emigrating soon, and planning a going away party for my friends in the coming weeks. I have invited all the people I want to invite, but my issue is my friend's boyfriend. They've been going out a couple of months, and I see her pretty regularly - at least once a week - and for the last few months, every time I have seen her, he's been there. I've brought this up with her, but he's still there every time she invites me over, which is fine, but then there are times I invite her out and he comes along too. Now he's not a bad guy, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with him, but I wouldn't be a big fan. We just don't have personalities that click, though we're not rude or nasty to each other (tbh, I think he isn't because he's totally blind to the fact he irritates the life out of me - he's a bit too self involved to notice). But recently he has really, really been annoying me, and it doesn't help that he is always around. Anyway, most of this I can put up with, for the sake of my friendship, and because I know I am being a little unfair to him (as I said, he's not a bad guy, he's just not the sort of personality I click with).

But for my going away party, we've sort of organised a full day and night's worth of stuff, and frankly I would rather he wasn't around, because that length of time with him will drive me bonkers, and I don't really want to be starting on the sauce ridiculously early just to be able to put up with him!

Now, I know people will say I could just tell my friend it's for close friends only, and he's obviously not included within that, but she knows a couple of other people who have been invited and who are not very close friends and will point this out. I can't say it's a girl's night either, as it's not! So basically, can anyone offer any advice on what is the most diplomatic way for me to ask my friend to come without her fella? Obviously this is not a time I want to fall out with her, so I do want to do it as diplomatically as possible!

judgefudge

It's a bit puzzling to me why this guy bugs you so much. But anyway... Can you reasonably say to her that you'd like it if he didn't come so that you could hang out with her properly one last time before you move away?

damselnat

judgefudge wrote: »

It's a bit puzzling to me why this guy bugs you so much. But anyway... Can you reasonably say to her that you'd like it if he didn't come so that you could hang out with her properly one last time before you move away?

Well, I guess he bugs me because he can be pretentious, bringing up things in conversation that sound good but he knows nothing about (literature for example, which I'm keen on), he never gives a straight answer if he thinks you will disagree with it, and often will have conversations with my friend as if I am not there, ignoring anything I have to say (even though she invited me over, or I invited her out and she brought him along without even asking) and just the sorts of little things that I can tolerate in dribs and drabs, but it's not really dribs and drabs anymore.....

Idle Passerby

Fair enough you don't like the guy and don't want him at your party but I think if you value the friendship you are just going to have to bite your tongue and get on with it. It would be disrespectful to your friend to tell her she cant bring someone that means a lot to her just because he annoys you. You said yourself he's not a bad guy so why not accept that he's in your friends life and all you need to do is remain civil, you dont need to be best friends with him, you dont even need to do more than say "hello, I hope you enjoy the party". You're emigrating soon, dont risk falling out with a friend over someone you wont even be around in a few weeks time.

jimmycrackcorm

I don't understand why you should be all that bothered seeing as you are emigrating. It's not like you'll have to put up with it.

However your post does make me wonder if he actually regards you the same way, and considers that in his eyes you are the pretentious one. He seems to be taking a hand at you about literature... Perhaps you should first consider if his behaviour is as a result of the way you come across?

AhInFairness

How many people are you inviting to your party, OP? Surely if it's more than a handful you can easily avoid him for most of the day.

I personally would suck it up and get on with things. Its one day, its not going to kill you. Do you really want to fall out with your friend over something so silly before you leave the country?

There's no graceful way out of inviting him, unless you want to risk falling out with your friend at the last minute. Spend as little time as possible in his company, and enjoy the distance when you move.

Have a great party.:)

RoscommonTom

You could put some contact lense fluid in his drink and hell have to go home early sick. Or if you organise lots of womens activities like spa messages etc he might not want to go along with you

Advocating harm to a person is unacceptable and will result in a ban. Read the Charter before posting again.

IrishEyes19

I dont see why you cant be honest with her. I completely see your point tbh. I've had close friends who would once they were with someone would never come to an event without them. No problem with people bringing other halves, but I've never believed in giving up your own social lives or having to be glued at the waist. to be perfectly honest she should come alone for at least one part of the party. you wont see her for ages, dont see why she cant have a good night with her friends when she can see her bf any other time. I remember similar nights with a certain friend who was glued to her bf, we were looking back on old times laughing about moments and the bf was totally left out because he hadnt been around then. it was uncomfortable and the conversation had to be generalised because of it.

the only issue I see you facing is, if other friends bring bf's, you would have to make a rule, no bf's at all or gf's and that could become tricky.

fillefatale

IA with some of the other posters, if you're close you might have to bite your tongue and ignore him - it's not worth stressing over/falling out with your friend before you leave. She might not be with him in the future and as long as you don't have to see him again, best leave things are they are.

Roisy7

Surely at a party you can just avoid him?! I imagine it will go very fast, as people will want to say goodbye to you and you'll probably be pulled in all directions!

P. Breathnach

Roisy7 wrote: »

Surely at a party you can just avoid him?! ...

You could also put one or two people on notice that this guy has the misfortune of rubbing you up the wrong way, and asking them to be prepared to create a deflection if he comes near you. [I would hope that it goes without saying that you should entrust this role to friends who you would trust to be discreet about it - but I have just said it anyway!]

ShowMeTheCash

I have actually been witness to this kind of behavior among my own friends and kind of know what you mean.
However as I said to my own friends, this seems to be a problem with you not your friend or even her boyfriend...
You have said that he irritates you and I am sure you could probably come up with a number of reasons to why... (But really it shouldn't)
I doubt very much any of it them really addresses the real issue.
Maybe you feel that you have lost something with your friend, maybe it annoys you that someone you spent a lot of time with now is spending time with someone else... Now it may be a little of column A and a little of column B but I think you need to step back and be as you have described a "friend"...

Your "friend" is dating the guy a few months... So like a lot of relationships they are probably still very much in their honeymoon period, let her have it, do not rain on her parade...

You are emigrating, maybe you are jealous that you are leaving and want to be able to spend more time with a friend, totally understandable, but just because your life is about to change does not mean your friend has to put hers on hold...

I think you are being a tat selfish and immature...

Word of advice, trying to put a wedge between your friend and her new boyfriend will not go unnoticed...

Can I ask a question, do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend?

Whispered

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Your "friend" is dating the guy a few months... So like a lot of relationships they are probably still very much in their honeymoon period, let her have it, do not rain on her parade...

+1

From personal experience; I think this is fairly petty and will be hurtful to your friend, hurtful to her partner and could very well change your relationship. It's childish.

She obviously likes the guy, you have to accept it, or move on from your friendship. Personally I have ended a friendship over similar behaviour and wouldn't hesitate to do so again.

ShowMeTheCash

Whispered wrote: »

+1

From personal experience; I think this is fairly petty and will be hurtful to your friend, hurtful to her partner and could very well change your relationship. It's childish.

She obviously likes the guy, you have to accept it, or move on from your friendship. Personally I have ended a friendship over similar behaviour and wouldn't hesitate to do so again.

I posted my response as, like you, I have seen friendships ended or at least very stressed over this kind of thing and for no need!

I do see it as something that happens usually between the ages of 18 and 24 as this is a big transition block for most people, people move away, go to uni get jobs elsewhere, engage in relationships that usually result it marriage kids etc....