''He's just not that into you''

LegacyUser

I met a guy at the end of December and we hit it off instantly. There was great chemistry and he seemed lovely. We've been out three times but it's a bit of a hassle because we live in different counties. Normally we'd text during the day or before bed. He is nice in the respect that he will text goodnight and if he falls asleep he will text in the morning to say wake up etc
Anyway, that was all cute til last week. His texts are farther apart, when I send him a message to find out if he's free I send it with the expectation that he won't answer me for 5 or 6 hours. Lastnight for example, we were supposed to spend the night together but he had an issue getting the car to start up because of the weather so we left it understandably. We were texting and he stopped replying so I assumed he'd fallen asleep. Then I see him posting away on facebook an hour later. That's grand, it's his life etc but I'm just not really interested in making any effort anymore. At this early stage it doesn't seem like there is much there to pursue. If after a few weeks he's barely replying then I don't see much point. My question is, should I just not reply if he does text and let it fizzle out that way? Or is that bad form? Should I just say my interest is waning with every message he ignores? Part of me thinks this early on it's stupid to give a reason but I do think he's a nice guy, I think he's probably just met someone else or isn't really that interested and won't say it. I don't want to be mean to him but at the same time, I'm feeling disappointed most days when he'll text to say hi but not reply to my answer or contact me til the next day again. It's just not enough for me. I hope I don't sound like a bunny boiler or anything, I don't expect him to text me or call me or see me everyday but I have noticed a significant change in how affectionate he is now and I'd rather get away from it now than put any hope into it.
How do I tie up the loose ends without being a <mod snip>? Thanks.

RubyWoo83

Maybe he is just sick of all the texting! Why not pick up the phone and have a proper conversation? Have to say I am seeing someone at the minute and even though I am mad about him, I'm over the whole texting thing already so we just call each other mostly now

LegacyUser

This is the OP, am very sorry Taltos, I didn't mean to put the B word in there! Sorry.
Rubywoo, I should have been clearer, we do chat on the phone sometimes. Or at least did til about a week ago.

LegacyUser

I think you should call him up and talk to him on the phone, that's the only way you know how he sees things between you too since you don't see each other face to face very often. If he missed your call, he would call you back if he is interested. Tell him that it would be nice to have a call conversation sometimes. If he is still slow with his phone calls and texts, you are better ignore this one and move on. At this early stage he should have made more effort in getting to know you instead of a few texts here and there. I don't think it does you any good sitting there and second guess about everything...tell him communication is very important to you...what's enough and what's not. If he scares of you then he is not that interested.

Knockout_91

I definitely wouldn't call him if he hasn't responded to your last text. That's a bit weird.

If he replies to your text, then call him. But not straight away, give it a few hours.

John Mason

you can not connected a relationship through text messages.

text messages are for teenagers, pick up the phone and have an adult conversation

LegacyUser

OP here. Maybe my last post isn't appearing yet since I'm anonymous but we do and have spoken on the phone. My issue isn't about text messages or phone calls. It's about a change in the interest he is showing.

skyfall2012

I am a big believer in following your instincts and if your instincts are telling you he is not that interested any more, then your communication should start to dwindle and eventually stop. He will get the message and nobody gets hurt.

daisybelle2008

I agree with Skyfall, don't overthink it, if it doesn't feel right then let it fizzle out naturally without drama or emotionally charged convos. Focus your energy elsewhere.
Ignore all the stuff about telephone conversations, people are obsessed with it here in PI, that and Salsa dancing are the solutions to everything apparently.

dia squish

I don't see the harm in just sending him a text and asking what the story is. I was in your shoes recently - had met a guy and thought we were getting on great, seemingly out of the blue he becomes colder with me, I was pretty sure he wasn't into it anymore but rather than wait around and see I just asked him. And yes, he wasn't into it anymore but at least I knew for sure.

Maybe it's a personal thing, but for me, if I was fairly sure something was fizzling out, I'd prefer to just up the communication a bit and put it to a dead stop rather than waiting around wondering what someone else is thinking. But if you're ok with just letting it fizzle out, let it.

Though I don't get why you should be scared of putting a guy off by asking what the story is if his behaviour has changed significantly - if that actually did put a guy off then I wouldn't be interested in him anymore anyway.

John Mason

pick the phone up and say "so whats the story with us".

marizpan

Ring him up, ask him out straight if the relationship should end or needs more effort.
No messing around with mind games or over thinking things. You both would be glad of it. He will respect your adult approach. I don't understand how people have relationships thru text or Facebook

Knockout_91

properetiquetter wrote: »

We were texting and he stopped replying so I assumed he'd fallen asleep. Then I see him posting away on facebook an hour later. Should I just say my interest is waning with every message he ignores?

OP, he is ignoring your texts. Why on earth would you text/phone him again? If he wanted to contact you, he would. It's a harsh truth but its reality - it happens us all, it's horrible I know, a quick text with an explanation costs nothing. It's odd the way some people just "cut" others off - no explanation, no nothing.

I would sit back and if he texts he texts, if he doesn't then move on and delete his number.

ibarelycare

Texting isn't for teenagers :rolleyes: Some people just aren't that comfortable talking on the phone, especially in the early days. My boyfriend and I are together nearly two years and we still text AND phone, and we have done both since day one. It's not immature, it's the way communication has evolved.

OP I don't think there's any harm in texting him and asking you where you stand. Keep it lighthearted and just say you noticed the contact has declined in the last week or so, and you'd just like to know if he is still interested or not.

kat.mac

I think this is one of those times to just listen to your gut. You've picked up on the fact that his interest is dwindling - IME, if you've got that impression, that's exactly what's happening. I honestly don't think you need a clearer message from him.

daisybelle2008

marizpan wrote: »

Ring him up, ask him out straight if the relationship should end or needs more effort.
No messing around with mind games or over thinking things. You both would be glad of it. He will respect your adult approach. I don't understand how people have relationships thru text or Facebook

What relationship , they have had 3 dates. Cool the jets. He is barely replying to texts he hardly wants some women he barely knows ringing him up demanding more effort in their 'relationship'....that is cracked....

We have a perfectly good instinct that doesn't lead us to phone stalking a disinterested person for 'where do I stand' or closure nonsense....

Really save energy to bother someone who is actually interested.....

2rkehij30qtza5

Knockout_91 wrote: »

OP, he is ignoring your texts. Why on earth would you text/phone him again? If he wanted to contact you, he would. It's a harsh truth but its reality - it happens us all, it's horrible I know, a quick text with an explanation costs nothing. It's odd the way some people just "cut" others off - no explanation, no nothing.

I would sit back and if he texts he texts, if he doesn't then move on and delete his number.

Have to agree with this poster.
I think your gut instinct is telling you all you need to know and you just need to listen to your gut!

dia squish

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

What relationship , they have had 3 dates. Cool the jets. He is barely replying to texts he hardly wants some women he barely knows ringing him up demanding more effort in their 'relationship'....that is cracked....

We have a perfectly good instinct that doesn't lead us to phone stalking a disinterested person for 'where do I stand' or closure nonsense....

Really save energy to bother someone who is actually interested.....

I get where you're coming from, but for me anyway, I would waste more energy thinking about it than I would just sending a text. I think it's a personal thing, maybe it comes down to your natural thinking process. Easier for some people to let it go, but maybe easier for some people to just sort it out for themselves. I just don't think you should be afraid to ask, if you want to and you're prepared for any answer.

Knockout_91

sunflower27 wrote: »

Either way, at least you know where you stand and, if he isn't keen, you are no longer in limbo.

She does know where she stands though.

He's not replying to her texts.

Hence he must not be interested.

daisybelle2008

sunflower27 wrote: »

at least you know where you stand and, if he isn't keen, you are no longer in limbo.

As the above poster said, you already know where you stand, and if you need to rely on somone who is barely responding to your texts and leaving you 'feeling disappointed most days' to tell you, well then you are ignoring your gut instinct.

Whats the point of having a gut instinct if you are not going to use it. How can you expect a straight honest answer out of someone who is avoiding you a hoping you go away quietly? Why not ask yourself first....You always know the answer. No need to give all your power to someone who you know in your heart and soul has no interest.

Know yourself, trust yourself and make a decision if the situation is right for YOU....not pining down a wish washy person who will invariably use a stalling technique out of politeness. Most people are not going to honestly say to you, 'I have no interest' in you'. We are raised to white lie and 'be nice' out of politeness and not intentionally hurt someones feelings.

The problem is the person who is persisting to find out where 'they stand' is already over invested and desperately wants to hear something positive (otherwise they would have gotten the hint)....It feels like kicking a puppy telling them 'bad' news.

It is almost a form of manipulation handing over 100% decision to the other person to tell they where 'they' stand...it is victim behaviour and looks sad and needy and is uncomfortable. They have convinced themselves they like you and are not accepting that you don't feel the same way.

Advise on PI is always in relationships to rely on the other persons actions not words for how the relationship is going. Why should it be the reverse for figuring out that it is not going anywhere??

dia squish

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

The problem is the person who is persisting to find out where 'they stand' is already over invested and desperately wants to hear something positive (otherwise they would have gotten the hint)....It feels like kicking a puppy telling them 'bad' news.

It is almost a form of manipulation handing over 100% decision to the other person to tell they where 'they' stand...it is victim behaviour and looks sad and needy and is uncomfortable. They have convinced themselves they like you and are not accepting that you don't feel the same way.

This is not necessarily true. If you've been seeing someone and it seems to be going well and then things change, why not ask a simple question? It absolutely does not mean you are over-invested and can't accept the way the other person feels.

LegacyUser

Just an update if anyone is interested. He called me later the same night I wrote this thread. He said he was still stuck in his family home because of the snow and sorry for not being in touch more etc. He said his whole day was spent trying to sort out the damage to his car.

He came back up the following day and asked me if I would like to come to his brother's wedding with him at the start of March. So I think in this case, either I read the signals totally wrong or sometimes there are exceptions to the gut feeling rule. I guess he has just been pretty busy.

Thanks for all the posts.

It might be a bit late but -

Is there a chance that he just isn't much of a texter naturally? I've often found that some people aren't, yet when they meet someone they're interested in, they'll make an effort, but then go back to the way they are naturally. It doesn't mean they're not interested in you, it means they're going back to what they are comfortable with.

This is why, once I exchanged phone numbers with them, I will ask someone if they are or are not a big texter - I personally am - this does not mean I am like a teenager (for people that seem to constantly suggest it here), it means I am more comfortable texting than calling. At least then, I'll know what they are comfortable with, so I can adjust my thinking to that way.

Might seem strange, but it does solve problems like this.

ShowMeTheCash

Just going to put my 2 bits in here:
There is probably a danger of coming of needy if you ask too early "What is the story with us" as I know from my own experience if someone said this too early, right away I would think... She want's to know if I am her boyfriend and it would sometimes make me back off or think twice about the whole thing...

Now the question you need to ask yourself is what do you want from it?

In my life I have had a number of fun causal relationships that never really went anywhere and too be honest I always knew they would not go anywhere but I still enjoyed the company and the experience... The best ones usually when the girl I was seeing was exactly on the same page as myself....

When I meet someone I am into, I know it almost right away... If I am into someone I make the effort... If I am being aloof it usually means I do not know or I do not care enough either way!

But everyone I guess is different.... I have fallen in love with people and out of love with people... But at the end of the day, ask yourself how you feel about it... If you are not enjoying the fact that he does not respond to you as you want then that in itself might answer your question.