Opening to a new story...thoughts??

xwave7000

Chapter One:

[Dream sequence: It was incredibly dark. All around me the fire bloomed, spread and grew. “Help me, Vince, please help me!!” I glanced to my right where she lay. It was now or never. I dived to my right, through the flames, feeling the searing pain travel up my left arm. Her cries became screams of anguish…

Vince awoke with a start as the bus drew to a halt. A thin layer of sweat had formed on his forehead and a single droplet ran into his eye with a sting. Rubbing his eyes briefly, he surveyed the location we had arrived in – this was his stop! Vince quickly gathered his things and made a beeline for the bus doors.

As Vince stepped off the bus into the Western Australia sunshine, a warm breeze brushed against his face. Grabbing his bags from the luggage compartment, Vince scanned the near-empty parking lot for signs of my lift. A man stood by the door of his ute, watching him with interest. With a casual wave in his direction, Vince started towards him across the lot.

“G’day, mate! Vince is it?” The man enthusiastically opened with, “I’m Dave, it’s good to finally meet you!” Vince returned his greeting and they began some idle chit-chat as they loaded Vince’s luggage onto his vehicle. Dave was the manager of the roadhouse where Vince would be spending his next few months… assuming he didn’t mess everything up – again. But more on that later. About 5’6 in height, Dave was of stocky build, with a large stomach that extended over the waistband of his shorts. His auburn hair was cut short, and a beard that was speckled with red framed his large face.

This job was Vince’s first real crack at finding employment since his big move all the way from Ireland only five weeks ago. With Vince, came baggage…although Dave didn’t know that. Nine months ago, Vince had been involved in a major accident in the industrial plant in which he had worked, resulting in the death of five of his co-workers. An accidental leak of chemical agents on a machine he was due to carry out repairs on resulted in an explosion at the factory. Three were killed instantly, and a further two died on their way to the hospital. Vince himself received horrific burns as a result of the incident

The fall-out had resulted in him being hounded from his local community by angered relatives of the dead. They believed that Vince should be held accountable for his actions, even though a subsequent inquest completely exonerated him. In an attempt to start anew, Vince moved to Dublin to try and get on with his life, but the threats began almost immediately. The move to Australia had not gone as planned either so far, with the threats continuing to find him wherever he went. This job, 400 kilometres from the nearest large town, was a final attempt to escape the past which haunted him so terribly.


Any thoughts/advice???? I know where I want to go with the story(plenty of twists/not what it may read like from the beginnning - but I'm just trying to get a feel from a larger audience than that of my fiancé....:D

Paulbeth

Hi xwave

Yes. I was intrigued by this introduction to a story. I think that you create atmosphere well and the imagery is vivid - I could picture the scenes as though they were on film/TV. I would definitely read on. One thing that falters is the 'G'day' - too stereotypical? But you may have more knowledge here than I do.

Anyway, the story got my attention. Good luck with it.