Help on how to have an awkward conversation with BF

LegacyUser

Hi

me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years. He lives in another county from me so I guess it's kind of long distance (about 2 hr drive away).

The last 2 weeks I had college exams and we didn't meet. I told him when my exams finished (this was before they even started) and he said he could meet me because he had a work party on the date i finished.

This then changed to him going out with friends from work that weekend, which then changed to friends from his hometown coming to visit him and go out, which finally changed to him going home to his home county to go out with friends from school.

He has been very short in text messages not being very chatty and acting distant. Last night was the night out and and we were texting during the night. He kept asking who I was with and where I was even though he knew I was at my girlfriends house.

I phoned him this morning and he suddenly had to end the call I didn't reply and he thought his phone went dead but the call was still connected and I heard what was going on. I heard a woman's voice and sounded like she was leaving the house he was at (he stayed with his friend). He then went into another room and said "my girlfriends ringtone is the death march" which made me feel very stupid and embarrassed. (When I confronted him about that he completely denied it even though I heard it clear as day)

I phoned him back and told him the call was connected and asked him about the woman. It was a girl who had flirted with him on Facebook when we were broken up a few years back. This is making me really insecure in addition he's been distant and I asked him about this woman and if he had anything he wanted to tell me. He immediately became aggressive and defensive and said I was f-ing paranoid, and I need to sort out my issues. I had started the conversation telling him I usually trust him 100% but felt he had been acting a little strange this week.

Now I'm worried that he is hiding something. I've decided to go to him so we can talk face to face, but I need some advise on how to approach this and what to say? I'm terrified he wants to end things.

Please help

sffc

Frankly OP I feel sick reading this but we need to call a spade a spade. He wants out but is too cowardly to tell you straight up. Sorry to be harsh but you are also being a little cowardly by trying to make excuses for him. He straight out lied to you about that conversation you overheard and that should be enough to send you packing. Keep your dignity and leave him. You have more to be terrified of staying with him than being on your own - drop him.

Cupcake_Crisis

The fact he got so defensive and paranoid could be an indication that he's hiding something. It sounds slightly like he knows he's been caught out. It's a horrible conversation to have, cut only you know what you heard on the phone, and how that made you feel.

Abi

Needing123 wrote: »

Hi

me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years. He lives in another county from me so I guess it's kind of long distance (about 2 hr drive away).

The last 2 weeks I had college exams and we didn't meet. I told him when my exams finished (this was before they even started) and he said he could meet me because he had a work party on the date i finished.

This then changed to him going out with friends from work that weekend, which then changed to friends from his hometown coming to visit him and go out, which finally changed to him going home to his home county to go out with friends from school.

He has been very short in text messages not being very chatty and acting distant. Last night was the night out and and we were texting during the night. He kept asking who I was with and where I was even though he knew I was at my girlfriends house.

I phoned him this morning and he suddenly had to end the call I didn't reply and he thought his phone went dead but the call was still connected and I heard what was going on. I heard a woman's voice and sounded like she was leaving the house he was at (he stayed with his friend). He then went into another room and said "my girlfriends ringtone is the death march" which made me feel very stupid and embarrassed. (When I confronted him about that he completely denied it even though I heard it clear as day)

I phoned him back and told him the call was connected and asked him about the woman. It was a girl who had flirted with him on Facebook when we were broken up a few years back. This is making me really insecure in addition he's been distant and I asked him about this woman and if he had anything he wanted to tell me. He immediately became aggressive and defensive and said I was f-ing paranoid, and I need to sort out my issues. I had started the conversation telling him I usually trust him 100% but felt he had been acting a little strange this week.

Now I'm worried that he is hiding something. I've decided to go to him so we can talk face to face, but I need some advise on how to approach this and what to say? I'm terrified he wants to end things.

Please help

It need not be awkward at all, a simple 'it's over' should suffice.

Our gut instinct is normally not far off the mark. You smelled a rat when he kept changing his story. The call he didn't realise you were still connected to. Blatantly lied about that too, it's so disrespectful.

By having a conversation about this with him is giving him the opportunity to talk his way around this, but you know what you heard.

judgefudge

The fact that he lied about what was said should be enough for you to know you can't trust him. Regardless of what else went on.

Him getting angry and defensive is not how an innocent person generally reacts. He should be reassuring you. Unless you are an overly paranoid person reassurance is not too much to ask.

It sounds like he has been caught out. He also doesn't seem to respect you OP, either behind your back or to your face.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. Gotta say I am completely gutted but I think you guys might be right.

sffc

Needing123 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. Gotta say I am completely gutted but I think you guys might be right.

Might? Try must

Abi

Needing123 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. Gotta say I am completely gutted but I think you guys might be right.

I understand you are probably at a stage where you know these facts yet don't want it to be true. The fact of the matter is he has lied, and will continue to do so for as long as you let him. Do you really think you can put your head on your pillow at night without wondering what he is up to any more?

He has smashed your trust in him, and lied through his teeth when confronted. But I feel you're not ready to let go, and this is a path decider for you.

You either decide that

a) You don't want your mind tormented about what he is up to whenever you're not around, and split up with him. You go through a little rough patch until he's out of your system, but move on to having a trouble free mind and find a guy down the line that loves, cares, and respects you.

or;

b) Confront him again, he'll lie again, and always will when you have your back turned. You wind up putting up with it every time he cheats on you, you accept it, and you are very unhappy with low self-esteem and all self respect gone out the window.

The choices are clear to me. They're going to have to get very clear to you or you will be only prolonging your pain.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but there is no other way to put all this. You have to be blunt in order for the message to hopefully hit home. You know yourself this is not right.

shalalala

Trust me I have been here. That gut feeling in your stomach will not go away. The defensiveness is the major indication. Go digging and you will find lots of things that you probably won't want to know.

He is just not man enough to end it with you himself. I am sorry OP.