Life looks good but doesn't feel it

LegacyUser

I don't know where exactly to start with this.

From the outside looking in I have a great life - stable job, good working environment, friends, social life etc. but I just can't ever seem to get all areas of my life functioning at the same time. Or at least it rarely feels like everything is good.

I'm a firm believer that you can't help someone who won't help themselves so when something's getting me down I do try to change it. Changing jobs, getting out & about, trying to meet that special someone (but only when I know I'm strong enough to take rejection). But the happiness never lasts and I don't know if I just expect too much from life.

I've started to wonder if I'll ever get the happiness that other people seem to find so easily. Or if I just don't have it in me to appreciate the good things that I do have.

None of this is debilitating, & I always manage to keep a smile on for the outside world so I don't think I'm depressed. But I don't know where to start with making myself feel properly better.

castaway_lady

Can empathise with this. I think the ducks are rarely all lined up for most people but others just don't see that. I think a lot of us expect too much from life too because we've been kinda brainwashed into believing that we can have it all if we set our goals, work hard, stay focused etc. But that school of thought doesn't factor in the uncontrollables. I know, that I, as a semi-control freak dont like the fact that there are things I want that are outside of my control to get, because I've got the results I wanted from other areas of life by applying the work hard, set goals, have a plan, plan.

After that it's a balancing act, that I like to start with the thought "well at least I don't have cancer, so what next.....".

Have you also asked yourself, what constitutes 100% perfect? what would you do if everything was 100% perfect? What would you do with that? What would you work at fixing then, would it get boring, would something else come on the horizon as a problem.

(if you find the cure let me know)

Lionel Messy

I think you have a solid head on your shoulders, Op. We all go through rubbish but I'm confident for you. Your piece was very well written.

Elba101

OP I logged on here to post that exact same thing and then I read yours and, to be honest, was quite comforted by it. Just knowing that I'm not the only one that does this brings a bit of relief. You said yourself that you manage to put on a smile for the outside world.... a lot of people do (myself included). Everyone has thier own struggles, no matter how good their life looks they've either been through, are going through or will go through a bad patch. It's life and no matter how hard you try you can't control every aspect of it. You can't avoid it but you can deal with it. Just choose to deal with it in the right way - what can/can't you change? Maybe it's your prespective on life?

I don't know if it's the age I am but I'm feeling totally lost and honestly haven't a clue what to do?! I see my friends buying houses and getting married or promoted and, although my life looks happy and rosey, I can't help but feel it's a bit of shambles right now! And I don't understnad why?! It's scary, but it's forcing me to make decisions way out of my comfort zone which don't always work out, but I can tick it off and learn from it.

I'm probably not the best person to give you advise, but it's very normal to feel like this. Don't let others dictate your happiness. I've spent so long comparing myself to other people who seem to be so happy. It's done me no good. Don't bottle up your problems or worries. Talking about them and listening to others can be extremely refreshing.

RossFixxxed

Elba101 wrote: »

I'm probably not the best person to give you advise, but it's very normal to feel like this.

Yes you are, and yes it is! Don't be so down on yourself. You've just shown something incredibly important, ALL of us hit a wall at some point. None of us are above feeling this way, or loosing our direction temporarily.
OP:
Life is weird, confusing and sometimes completely heart breaking.

For me, I've fond as time goes by I've come to realise that the outward appearance of your life is completely irrelevant and can totally obfuscate the underlying feelings and how you actually are. Cars, jobs, money, trophies, notches on your belt, iPods, big tvs etc are all great to have, but in and of themselves won't solve any underlying issues.

There is a clear dissonance from your posts with what you want, and what you are doing and again with what you think you want.

Judging your life off what others do is a recipe for feeling awful btw. I remember seeing loads of pictures of someone who went and lived in a village in Peru one summer, while I worked in a local off licence. I felt awful. I had wasted my summer, I didn't travel. I wasn't awesome like that. It was only after a couple of weeks I (thankfully) realised I don't want to go to a village in bloody Peru. I had a great summer working there, meeting all the locals and business owners, getting drunk on Sundays with free wine tastings etc. A totally awesome summer, but what I THOUGHT I wanted seemed more magical and exciting and caused that same dissonance in my feelings.

What do YOU want? (Forget your friends)
What are you doing to get it?
What do you ACTUALLY want?

I was out of work for a good while and realised I didn't need to buy tons of DVDs, games, expensive lunches etc. I missed the little things, a cup of coffee from my favourite café or a random stroll with someone on a Sunday etc. Most of the stuff I thought mattered was rubbish and actually CREATING a problem that wasn't there. FORGET the outside appearance. You will forever be chasing an illusive something that you will never have.

Also rememer that others look even more awesome on the outside than you, but you can be damn sure the vast majority have their own issues, sadness and regrets too. We're only human! Don't be too hard on yourself. It isn't selfish to want to change your life, it's the getting up and doing something that's tough!

Look at it this way: I'm a LAAAAAZY bum and I've bothered to write a big rambly post to address this for you. That shows that strangers can emphatise with you and give a damn about you!

kat.mac

Hi OP,

I think (if I am reading your post correctly) that I can relate to what you're feeling. For me, the key was to realise what exactly I was unhappy about. I worked out that was a combination of the fact that I was working long hours in a stressful, not-very-well-paid job, living very far away from my family, and in a small town where it was quite difficult to make new friends. Once I realised that, I was able to address it and make the changes that needed to be made. Life's not perfect now by any means but I barely recognise the person I was back then, I feel like a new woman!

So I guess my advice is to sit down and try to drill down into what it is that's causing this feeling of unhappiness. I find writing things down brings a lot of clarity. Be it your relationship, your job, career path, location, personal appearance, financial situation... No matter how good a particular thing looks objectively, don't shy away from examining it to see if its really working for *you*. Be aware also that this process could take a while - don't rush it. It could take a while to realise what's causing these feelings, then another while to decide how to address it, then another while again to build up to taking that action. All in its own good time.

FWIW, you seem very self-aware and I reckon you have a very good, constructive attitude, which will really stand to you as you assess. All the best OP.