Stuck with a stalker really need advice

LegacyUser

Hi all,

A friend of mine is in a horrible situation. My friend is a male in his early twenties who identifies as straight but has slept with guys in the past. He is currently going steady with a girl and tells me he is very much in love with her and that she's the one. However their relationship may be in trouble because of his past.

The reason I didn't post this under relationship issues is because his problem is unusual and I'm not sure it was the right thread.... Please correct me if I'm wrong!

OK, so he slept with a guy (repeatedly) 2 years ago but says they never had a proper relationship. They were living together, my friend had had same sex fantasies, his flatmate was gay and convinced him to act those fantasies out with him. I'm not sure how long it went on for. Afterwards the gay flatmate became very possessive of my friend, becoming angry and jealous when he hung out with other people, in particular gay guys. This is despite the fact my friend made it clear he didn't want a relationship, it was just sex. It got too much for my friend and he moved out.

After months of successfully avoiding his ex roommate and lover, the ex roommate found him on Facebook and started sending loads of messages. He convinced my friend he had changed and that he just wanted to be friends. My mate stupidly told him his new address and agreed to hang out with him.

That was about two years ago. The gay guy has been stalking my mate ever since. If my friend (let's call him Sam) doesn't answer the other guy (we'll call him Greg) when he rings he will keep texting and ringing indefinitely. Sam has shown me 40 missed calls from Greg at times, and umpteen messages. If these are not replied to, more texts/emails/voice mails arrive and they are more threatening. Sam showed me one email where Greg referred to photos he has of him and Sam having sex and threatened to show them to Sam's girlfriend if he didn't hang out with him.

Sam has since told his gf about his history with Greg and luckily she is fine with it. But she doesn't want them hanging out at all, understandably. She's worried about Greg's mental state and whether Sam is safe alone with him. She also worries about Greg coming onto Sam again. Sam hasn't told his gf but Greg has tried it on with him a few times. Sam has tried to stop contact with Greg but Greg is refusing to let go. He claims to just want to hang out but gets irate and acts very abnormally if Sam is like an hour late in replying to a text or email. He harasses my friend endlessly and it's putting a strain on his relationship. I'm worried for the guy myself but neither of us know how to stop it legally. Is stalking even an offence in Ireland??

So sorry for the long spiel, hope someone can help. Thanks guys.

Kidchameleon

Make sure he keeps all phone records / messages in case it does go to the guards!

Roisy7

It's up to Sam if he wants to take things further legally or not. In the meantime he could block Greg on Facebook, redirect his emails etc etc.

He can report his behaviour to the gardai, it's harassment which is illegal.

Fluorescence

Sam needs to clearly identify boundaries. From what I can tell there's too much wishy-washy "Oh let's be friends" going on. Sam needs to make it abundantly clear that Greg needs to back off, and if he doesn't Sam will approach the Gardaí. Why is Sam replying to his emails and texts anyway?

AnonoBoy

Your friend should:

1. Tell the guy he's going to the Gardai unless he backs off.
2. Go to the Gardai.
3. Tell the guy that he's gone to the Gardai.
4. Repeat as needed until guy gets the message and leaves him alone.

SunnyDub1

Probably easier said then done but why doesn't he just cut contact and tell him he doesn't want anything to do with him and if doesn't leave him alone after that get onto the guards.

kat.mac

What an awful situation! This Greg guy sounds unstable to say the least of it. Harassment is very definitely an offence, and the Gardaí will act on it. Sam needs to be very clear with Greg that this cannot continue, that he only agreed to hang out with him as a result of blackmail/threats, and he no longer wants to see/hear from him. If this doesn't work (and that seems likely), then go to the Gardaí. I wouldn't tell Greg in advance that the Gardaí are being involved - just do it. They will see it as a sensitive issue and will deal with it accordingly.

I wish your friend the very best of luck, I hope this stress ends very soon!

Big Bag of Chips

First thing Sam can do is tell Greg he's wasting his time threatening to go to tell his girlfriend, because he's already told her.

Why on earth did he accept his friend request on Facebook? Just block him now.

If he has a smart phone, look for an app that allows him to block calls and texts.

If he is renting, consider moving.

And go to the guards.

I agree that there is too much "humouring" this fella. So what if he has 40 missed calls? Ignore them! Ignore texts. If they become threatening, go to the guards and report him for harrassment and threatening behaviour.

Maybe a visit from the guards, or even a solicitor's letter might be enough to make him back off.

And when he does "escape" him this time, tell him to never ever have any sort of contact again - even in 2 years time.

tony81

It sounds like your friend is encouraging this behaviour by replying to the texts.

Block on facebook and ramp up privacy settings such as visibility of friends lists. Also consider deleting 'mutual friends' you wouldn't miss. Screen texts directly to screened items folder. Ignore calls and be wary of withheld numbers. His friend will eventually get the hint.