Should I ask out a girl I click with, but am not really attracted to?

LegacyUser

I am a guy in my mid-twenties. I am tired of being single, and would like to be in a relationship. I'm relatively attractive and bright, and could probably find a girl quite easily, if I just wanted to be with any girl. However, I don't want to be with just any girl, I want something that is going to last.

There is a girl in my life, who is a friend. Although we haven't really known each other that long (we met for the first time last summer) we clicked in a big way. Our conversations are great, we have so much in common. She is into things that none of my other friends are into, and we tend to spend a lot of time communicating via social networks etc.

I do not know if she would be interested in something more than friendship with me, but let us pretend for the moment there was a good chance she was interested.

Here is the thing: I don't think I've ever clicked as well with any girl... BUT I am not very attracted to her. I don't lust after her at all. She is not unattractive, I just find her plain (I really hope this doesn't make me sound too judgmental, I am just being honest).

The thing is, I think we would probably make a really good couple. I know a date wouldn't be awkward in terms of conversation etc. But, I am worried that, since I am not really attracted to her now, I would be more sexually attracted to other women, which may lead me to cheat (which I have never done) or break things off just to 'get my bit'.

However, those with more relationship experience might be able to help me out here. Is there a chance that, given the two of us click really well, the attractiveness might come through that if I ask her out on a few dates? I've never been in a very long term relationship (unless you count 1 year, from 18-19) so I've never got to the stage where I was jaded with a girlfriend's looks. I feel that might be inevitable in all relationships, though, and that a personal connection is ultimately more important.

I feel if I ask this girl out, though, and after a few dates, nothing materialises, it may create an awkward funk. Perhaps I am only feeling this way towards her because she is a girl and I am a guy. If she were a guy, I'd just think "he's dead sound" and go for drinks etc. But because she is a girl, I'm compelled to consider doing more.

What do people think I should do? Cite personal experience if you think it will help. Cheers.

CaraMay

I'd leave it. You don't fancy her and nothing is going to change because you go on dates.

Move on and find someone you Do fancy and click with. There are lots of girls out there.

Roisy7

To be honest I'd just leave it with her. You can't make yourself be attracted to her, and I think she'd be very hurt to know about this. I think it would be a fast way to lose this girl's friendship.

Tbh, you're in your mid-20s, what's the rush? You say you don't want to be with just any girl, so why not wait until the right one comes along? Take it easy and have fun.

judgefudge

Hey.

I'd leave it. You're not at all attracted to her? Attraction is really important in a relationship. Try and find the kind of friendship you have with this girl with someone you are attracted to.

Besides which it's not fair to her. She deserves someone who fancies the pants off her. It would be horrible if she ever discovered that you settled for her.

Personal experience... I went out with a guy before where the chemistry was not 100% there at the start, and later it developed into some of the best sex I've had. But then again I always fancied this guy, it just took some time to get into the swing of things. If there's really no attraction there don't try and force it. Enjoy the friendship. You have loads of time to find a relationship.

cantdecide

I'm on a slightly different page here. I believe attraction is a relative term and that physical attraction is only part of the picture. For me, a strong connection supersedes physical attraction. If you were unattracted to her, that's a horse of a different colour. Personally, I've had the strongest attractions to people who were never the most conventionally attractive people.

You say she's not unattractive to you and it's a particular strong bond which is a good start. I'll make a suggestion that you could take a forced break from contact with her- nothing dramatic, a few days should do it. Make an excuse if you have to. Something plausible so she won't be too concerned. If thinking about her in her absence gives you the butterflies, I say you're onto something and the physical attraction could start to emerge.

Of course, it may not and you have a great friendship on your hands so you have nothing to lose.

tomthetank

Please don't cross the line with this girl. I'd hate to find out the guy I was seeing thought I was 'plain', dating someone should be a positive, confidence boosting experience that makes you feel special, attractive, desirable. Not that someone is just 'meh, may as well' about you. Even if you don't say it, it will be obvious. The girl is not stupid.

It is perfectly fine and normal to click with someone of the opposite sex & not have a romantic interest.

Auster23

Absolutely stay friends with this girl and be happy to have a good friend of the opposite sex but don't ask her out. You'll only end up hurting her feelings and you should definitely avoid that if you care about her as a friend.

It's very unlikely that attraction will develop if it's not there after spending so much time with her over the last year.

Think how she'd feel if she knew you were considering dating her but thought she was "plain". Do you think she'd want to go out with you?

Hold out for someone you have lots in common with but fancy like mad, they're out there.

LegacyUser

I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective here OP, as in sort of the same situation- just switch genders and add on a few years.
Met a guy recently who I clicked with really really well, chatted for hours on end. Nothing romantic happened that day, but he's asked me out on a date, and I'm going to go. If it goes belly-up, we're adult enough& have chatted enough to be honest with each other about our feelings- or lack of. If it turns out to be one of these meant-to-be scenarios, great.

You've only known this girl 6months, there's no major rush for you to come to a decision. Some times things just evolve. The physical attraction to some people can just grow over time as well.

Michael Flatley and his wife Niamh- she'd been in Riverdance for years, and it was only one Christmas, she arrived at a party in a red dress, and he suddenly saw her in a totally different light. Ended his relationship with Lisa Murphy, and married this girl he'd never been anything other than friends with for years before.....

Cupcake_Crisis

To be brutally honest op, the girl in question deserves better than a guy who isn't physically attracted to her, and you deserve better yourself. Id just stay friends.

Da Shins Kelly

Don't go there. Just wait it out until someone you are physically attracted to comes along. I think this girl would be quite upset if she discovered that you felt like you could do better physically and were only going out with her because you just want to have a girlfriend. I can't imagine that is a very nice feeling.

Itwasntme.

OP, please don't ask this girl out if you don't fancy her but if you decide to anyway and you still don't fancy her after a few dates, don't pursue a relationship. That would be selfish and entirely unfair to her. Have you considered the fact that she might fancy you already? Can you imagine what you would be putting her through if she actually fell for you and you never really felt the same way about her?

In all honesty, if I was the girl in question and I found out you felt this way about me and still pursued a relationship with me, I would be very hurt and it would be hard for me to remain friends with you.

dannyc31

i agree, for the love of god leave this girl be. she would be devasted to hear you were not attracted to her. that would do terrible things for her confidence.

i have to say i use to think like you that you really get on with a girl then the attraction can come later. but 9 times out of 10 its just not true. the attraction should be there in spades from the start. often when relationships develop long term they can sometimes become a little samey and routine but at least at that point you can always re-light the passion becasue you can just remember back how you were so attracted to this Woman/Man at the start. if that was'nt even there at the start then what hope have you? not to mention that if someone you were really attracted to came along you wouldnt hessitate to drop this poor girl asap.

move on let her be, and let her find a man who thinks she is beautiful.

Overheal

Leaving this particular girl alone, waiting for 'the one' is rough. You aren't necessarily someone is going to be the perfect connection for you until you try. Kind of like the people I watch all day trying to pick out the perfect laptop. "Oh I've had Dell before. It broke my heart. I don't want another Dell. But I've never owned any of these 12 other brands." It's ****ing annoying to watch, but I get paid for it. The stupidity factor in it is that they never owned that Dell either before they chose to buy it. They gave it a shot, it wasn't the happily-ever-after model for them, oh well, move on.

Anecdotal and self-inflating: the girl I'm with never initially thought of me as a sexual partner, then it happened. She also initially assumed I'd last about 30 seconds in bed, not 30 minutes, which at the time was a great surprise for both of us (...leave me alone ppl). It was just one of those specs that wasn't listed on the label, one of those benchmarks you couldn't really run beforehand. Sex is just one example - but you got to go out there and do the actually exploration, or you'll spend the next 10 years window shopping and never buy jack **** (and I've seen a lot of those customers too).

Daisy78

Do you know if this girl is interested in you as a potential boyfriend? She may not be attracted to you at all. It's a bit presumptuous to assume she would be as keen as you think she should be.