Can't get along with Father

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this but i'm a longtime boards member.

Basically i've had yet another row with my father today and i'm coming on here to see if
the problem is mine or his or a little of both. And to get any advice or tips as to how better
to get on with someone like him.

My father an i have never really seen eye to eye. I'm 24 now and we still fight a lot.
Its gotten a lot worse recently as i have been in the house pretty much permanently
since November due to an injury. Having the 'outlet' of being able to go to college/work
was the escape i relied on to get out of the house as he's generally not a very pleasant
person to be around. Having been home solidly recently things are worse because i
literally cant go out and had to rely on him to look after me in recent months for
meals and the such.

As you've probably gathered already he's not all bad. He has helped me a lot in the
last two months. He's brought me breakfast in bed always had a hot dinner in the
evening. Which is great. Thats not really the issue. I don't know any father that
wouldn't do that for their son/daughter if they were ill. The issue is more that we
clash, a lot, and i cannot wait to finish college and get out of this house as soon as
i can.

I think our problems really began at a young age for me. The first thing i remember
when i was about 5 or 6 was having to call the gardai as he was getting aggressive
with my mother in the kitchen. This was a common occurrence and some of my
earliest memories are of him being drunk and disorderly. Sometime coming home
after being in a fight etc etc. In saying that he never didn't provide for the family
even though he would be classed as an 'Alcoholic' in my mind. We went on a summer
holiday every year but they were always ruined by him. On three or four occasions
myself and my mum would have had to move apartments as he would come back
home and start abusing her verbally and occasionally physically. This hasn't changed
to this very day. He is out drinking at the moment and while he cant drink as much
as he used to, you can bet he will come home in a state and looking for an argument
to keep everyone up all night. If were asleep by the time he gets home (which the
whole family generally do to avoid trouble) he has taken to waking everybody out of
their sleep to have the argument he wants to have anyway, thats pretty sick if you
ask me!

He says he wants the best for me but i think at times he is jealous. He sometimes
pays my college fees but when exam time comes on more than one occasion he
has kept me up all night before an exam shouting and roaring and hence resulting
me in failing exams i otherwise likely would not have failed.

He thinks he knows everything. And while he is quite intelligent and can hold his
own in most conversations on any topic. He insists on imparting his knowledge
on any subject unto you. Which i find very frustrating as he will not listen to or
take advice from anybody else.

Due to the nature of his unusual working hours. He doesn't have two friends to
rub together. And no outlet or hobby to go and meet people his own age other
than the pub. He has issues with commitment and while he has done a few
classes they generally never last more than a few weeks before he gives them
up and comes home.

He sits around at home and does absolutely nothing to help my mum who is
working full time. I usually laugh when at about 5:45 when she's due home
he runs a mop from one end of the house to the other to make it look like he
mopped the place, without even sweeping it or cleaning it first. He's a typical
man and expects my mother to do everything sometimes saying 'i emptied
your dishwasher' to my mum and she says 'its not my dishwasher' etc.

I think he has a problem with his nerves, he cant deal with anything stressful
he is obsessed with money and needs about 20 cigarettes to keep him goin
for a normal day.

He talks a lot and doesn't know when to shut up! You can literally say one word
and he will still be talking about the topic 15 minutes later and nobody has the
balls to stop him. If you do he says 'oh am i boring you' and gets incredibly
offended. Which isn't really the solution either.

My mother and father hate one another and i cant understand for a minute how
and why i'm here. I'm incredibly lucky to be on the planet considering how
different the two of them are. When i was younger things were so bad at home
we had to move out and live with my uncle. I think my mothers biggest mistake
at that time was not to just get a divorce. We might not have had such a
comfortable lifestyle for the last 15 years but i genuinely believe that we would
have been a lot happier without him in out lives.

Unfortunately as the years have gone on the family (except my father) have
obviously been so frustrated at times we have started the bad habbit of discussing
what were going to do and how to deal with him behind his back. And while these
discussions help to get things he has done off your mind and he generally knows
nothing about them as they take place when he is not around. Its beginning to show
that he is becoming alienated in his own home, which isn't fair either. As effectively
nobody is on his side or fighting his corner if you know what i mean.

He has absolutely no tact. The argument today stemmed from this. I have a meeting
next week and while he is generally concerned about the outcome of this meeting.
He decided to go all the wrong way about it and start roaring at me about how
important it is and how i'm not taking it seriously when he could have simply said
"i'm concerned about your meeting next week, i'd like to go with you and be beside
you while you discuss the meeting matter" Instead it ended up in a massive row
and i'm convinced he just wants to go to the meeting to cause trouble and hence
will not be going anywhere near it next week.

I admit i'm not perfect myself, i'm very strong headed but cool and generally never
loose my temper with anybody, except for him, and only when he really winds me up.
I've a friend who commented recently that having known me for 9 years they never
heard me getting heated until our taxies never showed up after waiting two hours one
night and after calling three times i lost it with the girl on the phone. Something i
probably would have remained calm and collected for had i not been drinking.

He is the opposite, he's hot headed and looses the rag very easily. This is not helped
as he has just joined weight watchers and is also giving up cigarettes since the first
of Jan. Meaning he's extra volatile.

Basically i'm worried,

I'm worried that when i do leave home i wont want anything to do with him,
this might be the best thing for us but no matter what phasing out your own
father is not something i would like to have to do.

I'm worried i'm being too hard on him. Bible says forgive and forget. And most
of the worst things he has done are long in the past. The problem is he's still
a bit of an ass now and no matter how much i try to forget and move on to
a healthy relationship he always seems to ruin it by doing something stupid
or when things seem to be going very well and i catch him badmouthing me
to my mother behind my back.

I'm worried for my mother. No matter what i can escape over the next few
years but she is stuck with him. She is a saint and doesn't deserve to have
to put up with him for the rest of her lift. But we've talked about separation
and divorce for years and its never going to happen. Also it would mean
she would be lonely if he was to go and i wouldn't want that either. At least
they have company (no matter how bad it is).

I worry for him. He's only 57 and he is so overweight and unhealthy i'd be
surprised if he makes 65. But i'm not sure if this is the solution i'm looking
for or whether i'd be incredibly upset when he's gone.

Any help or suggestions on a postcard

Thanks for reading my incredibly long post
buy you needed all the facts to know how to respond!

Roisy7

Wow that's a long post

I think at the moment you are feeling frustrated at being home 24/7 and that isn't helping. When you do move out you won't know how you feel.

Your father has his problems and he seems to me to be quite a sad individual. I think maybe you could try and manage him, for want of a better word, so he doesn't get to you so much. One example that jumps out at me is the exam thing. You know what he's like the night before an exam so why not stay at a friend's or relative where you're assured of a good night's sleep?

I don't get the traditional Irish thing of a couple staying together even if they hate each other, but that must be a strain on your dad as well. I think you need to move out and live your own life as soon as is feasible, and you will see how abnormal the situation at home is, and be able to deal with your dad as a damaged human being.

Good luck OP

tony81

CaraMay wrote: »

It always irritates me when grown adults decide to use the facilities of their parents home long after they should have moved out and become independent (18) then turn on their parents and bitch about them.

What a nasty thing to say. The system is strongly stacked against young people due to parental means testing and the expectation that young people will work for free or for peanuts.

From what the op writes there are signs of emotional abuse and these issues can last well beyond the age of 18.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

It always irritates me when grown adults decide to use the facilities of their parents home long after they should have moved out and become independent (18) then turn on their parents and bitch about them.

If he was and is so nasty why take advantage of his hospitality?

This is a ridiculous response. After the torture he has put the family through over the years
A bed (while I'm finishing college) is the very least he owes me!

As I suggested above ill be out as soon as I can. What your <snip>
Post doesn't address is what happens to my poor mother when I'm gone
So do me a favour and butt out if you've nothing sensible to say.

Thanks for the sensible advice poster 1

OP- post in a civilised fashion or I cannot approve your posts.

Stavro Mueller

It's a given that you need to get out of there at the first opportunity. He sounds like an utter nightmare and at this stage of his life I doubt he is going to change. In the meantime you should be careful about what information you give him about what's going on in your life because it sounds like he likes to use it against you. Don't tell him when exams/meetings/interviews etc. are happening unless he specifically asks. That sort of thing. In the meantime, you need to learn how to walk away when he starts trying to fight with you. Just don't engage with him.

As for your mum, it is her choice to stay with him I'm afraid. I don't know what will happen to her if you move out but it might be the best thing that ever happened to her. Perhaps you not being there to talk to in the evenings etc. might make her rethink the situation. Anyway even if you do move out it's not as if she's never going to see you again.

If you do move out, don't tell your parents it's because of the toxic situation at home. 24 is quite old to be living at home anyway so it's not as if you'll be doing something out of the ordinary by leaving. Unless you only visit your mum at home when your father's not around I'm sure you'll be seeing him again. Having somewhere else to live is a wonderful escape hatch at times like these. If your father starts being obnoxious, all you have to do is leave.

skyfall2012

I am glad to hear you are in college, because a college degree will guarantee your independence from your parents in the future.

When you move away you will be able to view the situation from a healthier perspective. Your Dad does not sound all bad to me, bringing you breakfast in bed and caring about how your meeting will go. But as you have described, it is how he approaches the subject, always on the attack.

He gets drunk and always looks for an argument, waking everybody in the middle of the night, it seems he sees everybody as an extension of him and not as individuals who deserve to be shown respect. He is controlling everybody.

I often find if you try and find out how he was raised gives you some insight into, why he is the way he is. People so often become their parents no matter how hard they try not to be. He also has a lot of anger, where is that coming from.

My advise is as a family you all need to approach him and get him to see a councellor or go to an Alcohol Anonymous meeting. He will fight it, but there is power in numbers, so if you all try and force the issue.

Your Mom and yourself could do with going to councelling as well to deal with the emotional trauma, he has put you through over the years.

I think what your family need is insight into why he is, the way he is, and how to deal with him, I think a good self help book like "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet G. Woititz which is a 'New York Times best seller' might help to start with and with that knowledge you might be able to take him on about going to councelling.

Good luck OP.

Scruffles

OP,
get out as soon as possible,may find after a few months or more it starts to get easier with him.

am from a similar background in terms of family stuff-was only a toddler when mum started drinking;am severely disabled since birth and she used alcohol to numb reality,it became alcoholism for her and is still with her now twenty odd years later,it isnt her have got problems with- have never had any relationship with dad; never understood or recognised him as one as was beaten by him for every behavior,difference and difficulty of mine,was regretted by him,the sister and his family for ruining the family.

was moved out just before twentyif birthday into a learning disability institution because of the violence and despite the problems had suffered in there,being away from dad-and mums alcoholism had a huge effect,not being around them makes the relationship so much better,it felt like a family in fact for the first time and woud recommend getting out of this sort of situation to anyone who can do so.

when mum is drunk at night she does exactly the same thing,will wake everyone up and then get very offensive with words.
if there is no inside lock on the door,and the handle is one of those pull down ones [if know what mean] there is a trick to stopping them from coming in-a plank of wood that has been measured to fit underneath the handle.
this is squashed under the handle and stops the handle from being pulled down to open, dad did a plank of wood for every room and hides them under the sofa/beds etc where she cant see them.

ear plugs are good,not sure where to get in ireland but used to get laser lite earplugs in bulk for cheap off ebay,amazon woud have earplugs to,mine were for profound sound sensitivity; not just her shouting and bawling when staying over at weekends.

there are various chill out sounds available that coud be used as distraction played on some comfortable earphones or on a stereo when trying to sleep,woud the sound of gentle waves, or dolphin noises maybe?
youtube has got some high def long lasting videos of various chill out noises.

one other thing,make sure the smoke alarm/s has working batteries in it,and turn off the cooker plug if he is sozzled at night, mum always has a habit of wanting to cook herself a feast at night when she is sozzled and this always means setting the pan alight due to wandering off in a drunken haze before the smoke alarm tells her dinners ready.
she also used to smoke normal fags and woud often go into her drunken coma whilst holding them lit,its miraculous we had no house fires.

Calhoun

OP,

As said already on this thread you need to move out, when i was growing up the relationship between father and i was strained. When he and my mother split and there was distance and more importantly time i got to appreciate him more (we are very alike which is why we fight). I am not saying that our issues are the same but distance will do you good.

You need to also stop worrying about the relationship between your mother and father, it is their burden to carry. When you move out and your not being used as an outlet for your mother to vent she may have to rethink her situation or deal with your father correctly.

Although there is alchol involved and your situation hasnt been easy i do get a sense of disrespect or lack of appreciation for your father to an extent. Nobody owes you somewhere to live when your finishing your college course, i think there is a lack of appreciation for this and also the fact that as you said he never didnt provide for you. I bring this up as it could be one of the items that underlies your problems with him.

Finally, there are his obvious problems he is a very very unhappy person with little or no friends or outlets other than drinking. I think as has already been said he does need to go to AA but maybe he also needs help to think about making his life more fulfilling. I can only imagine the rut he is in to behave how you have described him.

I hope it works out for you, i have an equally poisonous parent and i found distance distance let me see who they are as a person and how i should deal with them. In my case i had to cut them off at this time but hopefully it wont be like that for you.

danslevent

Op just for the record not everyone's dad would make them dinner each day and breakfast in bed, even if they're sick. My da has never even made me a cup of tea!