Are men really put off women if they aren't doing the chasing?

Auster23

Would love to get everyone's opinion on this -

Met a guy last weekend for a first date and it couldn't have gone better in my opinion. We had loads in common, laughed a lot, lots of chemistry, kiss at the end of the night etc. He asked when he could see me again at the end of the night and said he'd had a great time.

I texted the next day to say I'd had fun and would like to meet again. Since then he's sent the odd text but doesn't respond to every text. I'm a pretty direct person and not really into waiting around to see if a guy is interested or not so I asked if he wanted to meet again. This was on Wednesday. He replied "yes, but not until next week" and then texted a few minutes later to say "let's just play it by ear next week if that's cool?"

So, am I just being stupid and the guy's clearly not interested? Could he just be really busy? Is he hedging his bets by saying play it by ear in case a better offer comes along?

Or most of all, have I put him off by showing that I'm interested and not waiting around to let him chase me?

Any views?

Lucena

I think you're right being up front about the fact that you like the guy, no point farting around.
As for the guy's reaction, it's hard to say. He could be genuinely busy, or could be playing some bullsh1t hard-to-get nonsense. Give him a week or so and if he's still humming and hawing, it'll be time to cast your net a little wider.
As regards being put off by women chasing, I wouldn't be. I don't see why women should be reduced to the shrinking violet role, and also, it makes things easier for everyone, men especially!

Auster23

Thanks Lucena, good advice! Definitely not comfortable in the shrinking violet role!

Wibbs

Better here Auster23

gerryd2

You broke the number 1 rule. Showing too much interest at the very early stages. The only way to get his interest back is to play him at his own game. Pull your interest then put it back out there. Us men hate when woman do that, it drives us mad but at the same time the woman is constantly on our minds.

EDIT.

I mean think about it, if this person was constantly texting you back would you be feeling this way now about him?

clairefontaine

Too much communication can be a killer.

Stop with the texting.

Stop worrying about him.

Stop texting.

If he doesn't get in touch next week forget about him.

And did I mention stop texting?

cantdecide

I wouldn't be put off by the woman doing some or even a majority of the chasing either however I'm surprised how many guys will be heard to say it. I think unless you're being downright pushy, you just have to do things as you see appropriate and let him either respect it or not.

In this case, I think you're getting a slight brush-off. IMO, you could be guessing 'til the cows come home what his motivations are but I wouldn't hone in on you being pushy as a reason. It doesn't sound like you have been anything other than proactive which is a mature and sensible thing to do IMO. You certainly haven't done anything wrong, IMO. I wouldn't be putting any more of my hopes in this guy at this stage. The ball is firmly in his court and he appears to be fidgeting.

cantdecide

clairefontaine wrote: »

Too much communication can be a killer.

Stop with the texting.

Stop worrying about him.

Stop texting.

If he doesn't get in touch next week forget about him.

And did I mention stop texting?

I don't think you need to scare the OP. YES- with this guy, call it a day unless he initiates.

IN GENERAL, someone texting all day every day is a bit off but in fairness, there's a difference between wearing someone down and doing a little text-tennis on a rainy winter evening. Appearing to be aloof and unavailable could be as big a mood killer as spamming him with texts.

CommanderC

If someone really likes you they are not going to be messing about, blowing hot and cold about whether to meet up with you again.

He's busy.

He wants you play hard to get.

He's intimidated by direct women.

He likes you but is too shy.

These are all excuses women are told over and over by people. But they are just excuses.

In my opinion, from his replies to your texts, it sounds like he is pussy footing around, instead of telling you that he is just not that interested in seeing you again.

If he wanted to see you again, why wouldn't he just say yes ? Saying 'let's play it by ear' is just a delaying tactic.

CaraMay

CommanderC wrote: »

If wanted to see you again, why wouldn't he just say yes ? Saying 'let's play it by ear' is just a delaying tactic.

Exactly.... Op I would let him off for the time being. He is just not interested enough

CommanderC

Since then he's sent the odd text but doesn't respond to every text.

And I take from this that you have been sending him texts after he has failed to reply to previous texts.

Stop that right now. Put the phone down and walk away.

liz2

fair enough some guys aren't into texting...but, he appears to be unsure, so as previous posters have said, put the phone away. get on with your life. Thinking about him is consuming way too much of your time. I've been there too and ive learned along the way, if they're really interested they'll show it and wouldn't be afraid to pursue you..!
good luck...

Auster23

Thanks everyone for the advice so far, it makes sense and I agree with you, the signs aren't good.

In case I gave the impression I'm bombarding him with texts, I'm not In total I've probably only sent five or so in the past week and none for the last three days.

CommanderC, don't worry,I haven't sent a second text when he hasn't responded, I've waited for him to initiate contact. He hasn't responded to my last text sometimes but then has come back the next day with an unrelated message.

I'm going to take everyone's advice and see if he contacts me next week and if he doesn't, obviously move on. I'll let you know what happens.

I have been doing the whole online dating thing for a few years and have met lots of very nice guys who I just didn't click with. I've always been very honest with them and told them either at the end of the date or the next time they got in touch, that I wasn't interested in meeting again. We're all grown ups, why can't everyone just be honest with each other?

CaraMay

Maybe he is being honest by being noncommittal...

LegacyUser

There's a difference in being honest and being blunt. You sound too forthright and overbearing which is off-putting for anyone, male or female. Dial back on the directness

liz2

maybe but it wouldn't take much for him to just say it.. rather than stringing her along..:)

CaraMay

liz2 wrote: »

maybe but it wouldn't take much for him to just say it.. rather than stringing her along..:)

Well he can't really say 'I'm keeping you on ice cos I don't know if I like you or not'

liz2

True, lol..
I didn't make that clear, I meant in the sense of,,when you meet a guy on a date and you like him you'll say yes id like to meet you again but if you don't you'll be honest with him there and then etc.. i guess this guy is just unsure what he wants to do yet..:)

gerryd2

Auster23 wrote: »

We're all grown ups, why can't everyone just be honest with each other?

Amen to that unfortunately the best relationships are started when there's the whole trying to figure her out "does she like me or doesn't she". Only problem with that is you can get hurt when you get it all wrong.

Ignore his next text and then text him back the next day with a text showing a bit of interest but not lots then ignore him again and repeat but don't do that a lot because I personally get fed up with woman who play that game. Its ok the first few times cause it gets you thinking of her but too much hot and cold says a lot about the person.

Auster23

Hi all,

So got my polite pfo tonight by text. No real explanation just "I can't see this going anywhere". So no real indication that my showing interest was the issue, as some posters said, he just wasn't that into it. Thanks for all the advice. The lesson learned is to play it a bit more cool next time, regardless.

cantdecide

Auster23 wrote: »

Hi all,

So got my polite pfo tonight by text. No real explanation just "I can't see this going anywhere". So no real indication that my showing interest was the issue, as some posters said, he just wasn't that into it. Thanks for all the advice. The lesson learned is to play it a bit more cool next time, regardless.

Sorry to hear that but at least you have some kind of closure. Play it cool but stay off the aloof end of the scale.

jantheman91

As a guy i despise having to do the chasing. To be honest i dislike that word 'chasing'. The word alone is in my opinion implying a game and male/female interactions of this kind shouldn't be games.

I'd thoroughly welcome women that do the chasing. You'd earn my respect because as far as i've seen women like yourself are few and far between.

Go for it

LostPassword

Gawd I hate the sweeping generalisations about genders.

Some men are probably put off women who don't play hard to get. Personally, I think such men have serious personality / self-esteem issues and should be avoided. There are also men out there who will run a mile if they think a woman is playing them according to some archaic rule-book.

OP, continue to be direct. The right man will be delighted.

Merkin

OK OP, I've done the maths. You went out with him the weekend before last (12/01) and you wrote your post on 18/01. You hadn't texted him in the last three days but had texted him five times before that. So that means over the course of three days you texted this man five times. THAT to me is not normal behavior. I wouldn't text my OH that amount and I'm married to the guy. There's a vast different between chasing someone and being overbearing and intrusive.

I also think that, regardless of gender here, when a relationship or romantic proposition is in its fledgling stages a lovely part of that is to wonder what the other person is up to. It is nice to retain an air of mystery so that when contact is made it's a welcome surprise and it gives the person a little flutter to know that the other person is thinking of you. To send repeated texts like this you might as well actually send them saying "Please ask me out again", "I'm desperate to see you again" and "Hurry up and ask me out". Nobody responds well to being hassled.

Fact of the matter is he MAY have been interested but found your eagerness really off-putting. People will say if he liked you it shouldn't matter but I don't buy that. You had one date with the guy so of course your behaviour immediately subsequent to the first date would have had a huge bearing on his decision. I'd keep my texting fingers in my pockets next time if I were you.

judgefudge

Merkin wrote: »

OK OP, I've done the maths. You went out with him the weekend before last (12/01) and you wrote your post on 18/01. You hadn't texted him in the last three days but had texted him five times before that. So that means over the course of three days you texted this man five times. THAT to me is not normal behavior. I wouldn't text my OH that amount and I'm married to the guy. There's a vast different between chasing someone and being overbearing and intrusive.

Really?! I mean what if he replied to some of them, is it still overbearing? I don't think 5 texts is that much. Maybe if you don't like texting. But I think in every relationship I've been in I have text the person about 5 times in the first few days (and they have replied at least as much).

I think it's a bit OTT to call 5 texts overbearing and intrusive. Unless he didn't reply at all, in which class it is a bit clingy.

Merkin

judgefudge wrote: »

Really?! I mean what if he replied to some of them, is it still overbearing? I don't think 5 texts is that much. Maybe if you don't like texting. But I think in every relationship I've been in I have text the person about 5 times in the first few days (and they have replied at least as much).

I think it's a bit OTT to call 5 texts overbearing and intrusive. Unless he didn't reply at all, in which class it is a bit clingy.

Yes, it is overbearing and needy. She's just met the guy briefly and has instigated five texts within a couple of days, some of which he didn't reply to. I don't blame him. It's way OTT and while it may not be for some people it evidently was for him and it would irritate the hell out of me if I wasn't sure about someone. Each to their own I suppose.

judgefudge

Merkin wrote: »

Yes, it is overbearing and needy. She's just met the guy briefly and has instigated five texts within a couple of days, some of which he didn't reply to. I don't blame him. It's way OTT and while it may not be for some people it evidently was for him and it would irritate the hell out of me if I wasn't sure about someone. Each to their own I suppose.

She said if he didn't reply she waited for him to initiate contact, which he did generally the following day. I assume by not texting back she means he's not texting back straight away.

Anyway, OP if he's scared off by 5 texts he was never interested in the first place. I personally can't stand this hard to get business and I'm always sure to let someone I'm seeing know that I like him. I've never had any complaints and have even been told its a refreshing change. Don't start playing games because you think it's what you should do. It's ridiculous.

clairefontaine

It really depends on your relationship with your phone. Some people have it tied to the hip and others keep in in a drawer for a week and check it every once in a while. Some people, like me lose it for weeks on end and then 65 texts come in and I cant be bothered reading them.

But texting, imo - I know others don't feel that way] , is the lowest form of communication, even worse than email or facebook. I figure if it's important they'll pick up the phone.

That he didn't requite the volley, doesn't mean anything other than perhaps he was thinking about what he wanted. It's ok not to be sure about things immediately, even if you hit it off. It could have nothing to do with how he feels about you, but perhaps other things in his life. Its not that someone is lying, they are just thinking and dont want to put something on the table until they are sure of their feelings and what they want. But if you don't have the space to process something, it causes irritation.

It has nothing to do with hard to get. It has to do with communicating too much and how you do it.

daisybelle2008

Auster23 wrote: »

Hi all,

No real explanation just "I can't see this going anywhere".

The lesson learned is to play it a bit more cool next time, regardless.

You had one date, what kind of explanation do you expect

And 'playing' cool is really not accurate advise...just actually BE cool, this is easily done by not over investing emotionally until you are been written into the will ....have fun, but keep very very casual and always put yourself first

Auster23

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

You had one date, what kind of explanation do you expect

And 'playing' cool is really not accurate advise...just actually BE cool, this is easily done by not over investing emotionally until you are been written into the will ....have fun, but keep very very casual and always put yourself first

All good comments and totally fair. Everyone is different I guess. Personally I'm a very open and honest person. To me four or five texts in the first four days of knowing someone is not excessive. This guy was texting me back several times a day and up to 12 at night.My comment "no real explanation" may have been misconstrued by daisybelle. I wasn't expecting a letter explaining his emotional history. I realise after one date he doesn't owe me a deep and meaningful explanation. I'm old enough and have been on enough dates to know how this works. I wasn't emotionally invested, just curious as to the reasons why a seemingly successful date wouldn't lead to a second one. It was intended as an update for the posters who had taken an interest in whether or not the contact from me in the early days had put him off.

Interesting to see the mixed reactions from guys on "playing it hard to get".

beks101

Merkin wrote: »

Yes, it is overbearing and needy. She's just met the guy briefly and has instigated five texts within a couple of days, some of which he didn't reply to. I don't blame him. It's way OTT and while it may not be for some people it evidently was for him and it would irritate the hell out of me if I wasn't sure about someone. Each to their own I suppose.

This.

'Five texts' without the context sounds fine. If you were backing-and-forthing with the texts you could send up to twenty in the first few days and that would be totally normal.

But to instigate the texts five times...it's a bit of a no-no I reckon, particularly in the early days. Those are the days when you need a mutual expression of interest for things to move forward, and that means that you need him to come to you of his own free will. He needs to sense a bit of mystery about you, a bit of is-she-or-isn't-she, and enough intrigue and interest to make the effort.

Personally, in those early days I'll stand back and see what, if any, action he makes towards me. If he has my number and is interested - he'll text/call. If he doesn't - he won't. It's as simple as that to me.

OP - I don't think you were massively overbearing or clingy or needy or any of those things. But I do think next time you should stand back a little bit and don't rush in without the blatant message from him that he's interested. Wait until he makes the effort with you before you start getting involved.

Honey-ec

beks101 wrote: »

Personally, in those early days I'll stand back and see what, if any, action he makes towards me. If he has my number and is interested - he'll text/call. If he doesn't - he won't. It's as simple as that to me..

The problem with this approach is that if the guy is adopting the same approach, neither of you will text the other and will both be left with the impression that the other person isn't interested.

This is the real issue I have with all the "rules" that go around the initial dating phase. If I like someone, I'll text them. If they have a problem with that, it likely wasn't going to work out anyway.

I've done the dating thing in my twenties, I've been married, I've been through the break-up of that marriage and, tbh, my tolerance for game-playing and bullsh*t is at absolutely zero.

dannyc31

I've done the dating thing in my twenties, I've been married, I've been through the break-up of that marriage and, tbh, my tolerance for game-playing and bullsh*t is at absolutely zero.

its not really game playing as such, i guess people are just doing the most natural of things at this early stage, that is, protecting themselves from hurt.

OP in my opinion us men can be funny when it comes to what you call the chase. most men despise being expected to go out to a bar on a saturday night and come up with great conversation with lots of jokes and interesting stories just to get a girl interested in them.(think take me out on tv3) you ask these same men and they'd love the idea of walking into a bar and being chatted up by a really attractive woman. in reality this very rarely happens so its kinda almost a fantasy for men. think Entourage where all the hot girls are falling over each other to sleep with the main character vince. every man deep down would love to be vince but as i said its not reality.

back to reality thou, the other big fear that men have is landing themselves with a crazy needy woman. i know it might sound extreme but planning the next date at the end of the first date is a bad idea even if you really like the guy you should not really tell him that too soon as in his mind he has already won. it is the natural instinct for men to hunt/chase what ever you want ot call it, so i guess its a balancing act. too forward and you enter the needy camp and scare him away, too stand offish and you enter the F*ck off written across your forehead camp. its all about the happy medium

beks101

Honey-ec wrote: »

If I like someone, I'll text them.

I'd be the same actually. That's the way my brain works. I'm just a little dissuaded by it at this stage because doing that for years just landed me a host of unfulfilling dating experiences with guys who ultimately weren't bothered but went along for the ride anyway (speaking metaphorically!), or guys who let that be the precedent in our relationship and indefinitely left it up to me to initiate things.

That's not the kind of guy I want. I'm pretty good at signalling interest, flirting, leading things along, but I need reciprocation in order to proceed things, a guy who'll text/call when he says he's going to text/call.

Once you're dating and things are a little more established I don't think it matters really who texts who first. But my experience thus far with dating is that the ones who really want to see you again, will go out of their way to see you again.

Honey-ec

beks101 wrote: »

But my experience thus far with dating is that the ones who really want to see you again, will go out of their way to see you again.

This is kind of what I was getting at, clearly not very well - if a guy wants to see you again, he's not going to be put off if you happen to text him first on a given day.

Merkin

Honey-ec wrote: »

This is kind of what I was getting at, clearly not very well - if a guy wants to see you again, he's not going to be put off if you happen to text him first on a given day.

I agree to a certain extent. A guy who likes you will of course be delighted to hear from you. But actually deciding you like someone can take more than just one short date.

If you got on well with someone on your first meeting and thought yes, you might like to see them again but weren't sure, a barrage of texts from said party straight after a first date saying you really want a second would be most off-putting to a lot of people. If you thought there could be potential and you wanted to see them again, over-eagerness on the part of the other party would appear a little strange imo.

And it's not about game playing, I'm as straight-talking as they come and am known for my candour (to my own detriment at times!) but I still wouldn't play my entire hand of cards straight after a first date.

cantdecide

Merkin wrote: »

but I still wouldn't play my entire hand of cards straight after a first date.

Agreed but if I go on a date with a girl and I'm on the fence about her or think I might like to take her out again, if she's being very cool, I'll think there's no point forcing the issue. If I'm bombarded with contact every time I move, I'll think 'hell, what's wrong with her'.

I think the answer is to be mature and direct. I subscribe to the idea of a message declaring you had a great time and would love to do it again. If a little text-tennis occurs, I think you shouldn't spread yourself too thickly. It takes more discipline for some than others. At least then everything is out in the open from the start and you don't have to be worried about someone not missing out on subtle hints.

Forever Hopeful

I have killed a few budding romances with my over eagerness and I cringe now when I look back. The reality is when you meet someone who you really like its very hard to contain yourself, it wasn't until I was on the receiving end of the eagerness that I realised how I must have come across.
The reality is that no two people are the same and what seems eager to one person could be standoffish to another.
Playing hard to get is hard BUT when you genuinely aren't sure about another person your behaviour changes. You aren't bothered if you don't hear from them, you are reluctant to share feelings and you are non committal because you are not sure.
Anytime I felt that way about a guy resulted in him chasing me. We all want what we can't have and once the chase is over and you settle down that's when the real test (for me anyway) happens.
I think when two people come together and their relative actions/ behaviours complimen each other then you are on to a winner. Just my view.