Looking for advice

new user101

First things first. I have another username on here but I set up a new account because of the nature of my query.

I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on so no problem if a mod decides to move it. I just want some female advice so thought this was the best place.

So, my situation.....

......my partner and I are experiencing some bedroom dept issues. Mainly, she wants more! That's great, and I know it's hardly a problem given that I have a high sex drive too. The problem lies in my levels of arousal.

I still find her very attractive and she does turn me on but when we get intimate I find my arousal levels drop. The reason (I think) is she has started to pay less attention to grooming her......lady areas?? Sorry, not easy to explain this without it coming across as flippant.

She's always naturally had only fine and very little hair but I guess that changes for all of us as we get older. My issue is that I find it a real turn off both visually and in a tactile sense.

I have discussed this....well tried to....but she gets defensive and thinks I'm being weird. I realise this may not seem a massive issue but its becoming one as sex is becoming less frequent and less intense.

I don't know what I'm looking for here really. Advice I guess. Feedback on how I can deal with it? I'm not sure but hopefully someone has some suggestions/advice that may help.

Thanks.

another question

new user101 wrote: »

First things first. I have another username on here but I set up a new account because of the nature of my query.

I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on so no problem if a mod decides to move it. I just want some female advice so thought this was the best place.

So, my situation.....

......my partner and I are experiencing some bedroom dept issues. Mainly, she wants more! That's great, and I know it's hardly a problem given that I have a high sex drive too. The problem lies in my levels of arousal.

I still find her very attractive and she does turn me on but when we get intimate I find my arousal levels drop. The reason (I think) is she has started to pay less attention to grooming her......lady areas?? Sorry, not easy to explain this without it coming across as flippant.

She's always naturally had only fine and very little hair but I guess that changes for all of us as we get older. My issue is that I find it a real turn off both visually and in a tactile sense.

I have discussed this....well tried to....but she gets defensive and thinks I'm being weird. I realise this may not seem a massive issue but its becoming one as sex is becoming less frequent and less intense.

I don't know what I'm looking for here really. Advice I guess. Feedback on how I can deal with it? I'm not sure but hopefully someone has some suggestions/advice that may help.

Thanks.

This is a very interesting thread and I'll be interested to see what responses you get.

I don't think you are being flippant at all. I learn't a long time ago that men are stimulated physically by what they see as opposed to women and what's in their heads. So if something has changed for you visually and on a tactile level then that's the issue and at least you know what's causing the problem.

I think her instant reaction was always going to be defensive but I think you definitely need to broach this again.

One thing I am unsure about is what's changed? You said she had naturally fine and not too much hair and but that's changed as she's gotten older, does this happen? I never thought about it. So basically, is there more of it etc because we don't know if she was removing it before etc if there was less of it, if you know what I mean.

rainbow kirby

Moved to Relationship Issues.

new user101

another question wrote: »

This is a very interesting thread and I'll be interested to see what responses you get.

I don't think you are being flippant at all. I learn't a long time ago that men are stimulated physically by what they see as opposed to women and what's in their heads. So if something has changed for you visually and on a tactile level then that's the issue and at least you know what's causing the problem.

I think her instant reaction was always going to be defensive but I think you definitely need to broach this again.

One thing I am unsure about is what's changed? You said she had naturally fine and not too much hair and but that's changed as she's gotten older, does this happen? I never thought about it. So basically, is there more of it etc because we don't know if she was removing it before etc if there was less of it, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the reply.

I think she was paying more attention to grooming and, I assume, that her hair is growing faster and coarser so it's been a gradual change.

In the past I suggested Brazilians etc but she didn't like the idea so that was cool. I guess it's something I really like both visually and to touch.

I think it's just reached a point now where it's affecting my arousal level.

Bummppd

I think she should definitely listen to you and your suggestions, because I take it that it would be affecting her level of satisfaction too if you are having problems. She may have been embarrassed when you mentioned it at first or just taken off guard, I think you should mention it again and even suggest making it a foreplay thing and you could do the grooming for her?..

new user101

Bummppd wrote: »

I think she should definitely listen to you and your suggestions, because I take it that it would be affecting her level of satisfaction too if you are having problems. She may have been embarrassed when you mentioned it at first or just taken off guard, I think you should mention it again and even suggest making it a foreplay thing and you could do the grooming for her?..

I have been tactful and have tried on one or two occasions to raise the subject but she gets quite defensive.

Equally she would get a lot out of it because I love to give oral however, for obvious reasons, I'm not so inclined recently!

Bummppd

new user101 wrote: »

I have been tactful and have tried on one or two occasions to raise the subject but she gets quite defensive.

Equally she would get a lot out of it because I love to give oral however, for obvious reasons, I'm not so inclined recently!

It seems to me if she's getting so defensive it's because she's embarrassed. Are you the type of couple who are quite open and comfortable talking about this stuff, or is it kind of taboo?

new user101

Bummppd wrote: »

It seems to me if she's getting so defensive it's because she's embarrassed. Are you the type of couple who are quite open and comfortable talking about this stuff, or is it kind of taboo?

I guess we're quite open. Not sure really???

This issue just seems to be a bit of a no go for her. I'm not sure is it embarrassment or simply not liking the idea/seeing it as important.

I'm sure I'm at fault too, possibly in how I approach it.

I would love if it didn't affect me and it wasn't an issue.

Bummppd

new user101 wrote: »

I guess we're quite open. Not sure really???

This issue just seems to be a bit of a no go for her. I'm not sure is it embarrassment or simply not liking the idea/seeing it as important.

I'm sure I'm at fault too, possibly in how I approach it.

I would love if it didn't affect me and it wasn't an issue.

It's definitely a tricky one, But surely she should take your feelings into consideration. And if it benefits her too as you said it shouldn't be that big of a problem.

another question

I think if it's bothering you enough to come on a public forum and ask for advice then it is most definitely a problem for you and therefore I think you need to be very straightforward with the issue to her.

I think you should just come out straight and say exactly something like 'this has been bothering me for a while now and I have tried to bring it up with your before but you won't talk to me about it' I dislike....etc and it's affecting me sexually, I'm finding it hard to maintain my arousal and this isn't going to be good for our relationship long term and my lack of arousal is going to start affecting you to'

You could also throw in something along the lines of 'I'm not blaming you or anything I just think maybe that you haven't noticed that it is affecting me and if this situation was the other way around, I would like to know, I would just like if we were able to talk about it openly and discuss what we can do about it' etc, etc. I would use a lot of 'we' instead of 'you' to make it appear as though it's something ye both have to deal with instead of you shifting the blame onto her.

I would also throw in that ye are in a relationship and that you should be able to talk to her if you have a problem without feeling like the bad guy if she starts getting defensive again. And I don't think there is any harm in saying that 'I really enjoy stimulating you orally and seeing you turned on by it, turns me on but I am not as inclined at the moment etc'.

If you don't sit down with her and discuss it you will begin to resent her for your lack of sexual satisfaction and then you're going to notice yourself losing interest altogether because you will feel that she doesn't care how you feel and that just leads to a lot of unnecessary problems.

new user101

another question wrote: »

I think if it's bothering you enough to come on a public forum and ask for advice then it is most definitely a problem for you and therefore I think you need to be very straightforward with the issue to her.

I think you should just come out straight and say exactly something like 'this has been bothering me for a while now and I have tried to bring it up with your before but you won't talk to me about it' I dislike....etc and it's affecting me sexually, I'm finding it hard to maintain my arousal and this isn't going to be good for our relationship long term and my lack of arousal is going to start affecting you to'

You could also throw in something along the lines of 'I'm not blaming you or anything I just think maybe that you haven't noticed that it is affecting me and if this situation was the other way around, I would like to know, I would just like if we were able to talk about it openly and discuss what we can do about it' etc, etc. I would use a lot of 'we' instead of 'you' to make it appear as though it's something ye both have to deal with instead of you shifting the blame onto her.

I would also throw in that ye are in a relationship and that you should be able to talk to her if you have a problem without feeling like the bad guy if she starts getting defensive again. And I don't think there is any harm in saying that 'I really enjoy stimulating you orally and seeing you turned on by it, turns me on but I am not as inclined at the moment etc'.

If you don't sit down with her and discuss it you will begin to resent her for your lack of sexual satisfaction and then you're going to notice yourself losing interest altogether because you will feel that she doesn't care how you feel and that just leads to a lot of unnecessary problems.

Wow.

That's brilliant advice....I'd probably pay a fortune to a counsellor for that!

I guess the reason I came on a public forum was, strangely, the anonymity it offered. And the chance to see what women, in particular, feel about it.

Not the kind of thing you can just bring up in conversation with female friends!

As I said, your advice is brilliant, and I have tried to do most of what you say although perhaps not as delicately or tactfully.

I guess I was wondering if the problem is more mine and that I'm making an issue out of nothing. It just seems to be snowballing in my mind into something more.

another question

I absolutely 100% do not think the problem is yours and I think the only reason it is snowballing in your head is down to the way she is reacting which is making you question yourself. I say forget all that. Her having a problem with you having a problem is HER problem, don't let that become YOUR problem.

As a female, if I thought for one second that my lady grooming or lack of in this case was causing my partner to lose interest, I would hop to it straight away and not let it develop. Also, don't be in any doubt that she hasn't noticed a change in her own growth so to speak or your reaction to it. She obviously is the one finding it hard to deal with it and was I guess hoping you wouldn't notice but you have so therefore she should WANT to do something about it, I know I would. Good luck and let us know if there is a positive outcome.

wotsit

Just say this next time she's heading for a bath/shower:

''hey babe, do something for me would you? Shave your (whatever you like to call it) and I'll be so turned on I'm gonna make you scream in ecstasy , love you soo much babe (hugs and kisses)'' Hold her close and say it gently making sure to hug and kiss her before she even has a chance to get embarrassed or anything....then walk away quickly giving her a chance to recover herself and also this is removing the chance of her being embarrassed in any way if you are waiting for a reply and standing there looking at her.



Seriously this will work, and all over in 5 minutes, not a problem anymore

Esoteric_

Some women don't like to do much, er, 'grooming' down there, and that's fine. Some women get rid of everything down there, and that's fine too. The problem here is, she USED to groom and has stopped for whatever reason.

Have you tried asking her WHY she doesn't do it anymore, rather than just asking her to go shave or whatever?

There has to be a reason why she's stopped doing it, if she used to do it all the time before. Find the reason why and then work on fixing it, rather than just asking her to shave/wax.

ElleEm

I agree with LyndaMcL... something must have changed for her, even if it's just that she has gotten lazy/ ingrown hairs/ prefers it aesthetically.

It is strange that she is disregarding what you're saying though, even if she was embarrassed, I would have thought she would take heed.

In the past, I have gently prompted my boyfriend to "tidy up" down there, and he would do it straight away. Neither of us would want anything to stand in the way of enjoying sexy times! I see it as similar to asking your partner to brush their teeth after eating somethin whiffy!

new user101

ElleEm wrote: »

I agree with LyndaMcL... something must have changed for her, even if it's just that she has gotten lazy/ ingrown hairs/ prefers it aesthetically.

It is strange that she is disregarding what you're saying though, even if she was embarrassed, I would have thought she would take heed.

In the past, I have gently prompted my boyfriend to "tidy up" down there, and he would do it straight away. Neither of us would want anything to stand in the way of enjoying sexy times! I see it as similar to asking your partner to brush their teeth after eating somethin whiffy!

That's kind of the way I see it.

If roles were reversed I don't think I would mind.

But I guess that's easy to say.

Esoteric_

new user101 wrote: »

That's kind of the way I see it.

If roles were reversed I don't think I would mind.

But I guess that's easy to say.

You're right, though. I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to groom themselves.

If it were a case of going out with a new girlfriend and realising she never shaves, then yeah, it'd be a little unreasonable to ask her to change what she does for you.

But that's not what you're doing. You got used to her grooming down there and something has caused her to stop doing this. It's not unreasonable at all to ask her to start grooming again. Personally, I wouldn't let myself get to a stage where I'm not grooming, but there has to be a reason why she's suddenly stopped. I'd concentrate on asking her why rather than asking her to do it.

new user101

LyndaMcL wrote: »

You're right, though. I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to groom themselves.

If it were a case of going out with a new girlfriend and realising she never shaves, then yeah, it'd be a little unreasonable to ask her to change what she does for you.

But that's not what you're doing. You got used to her grooming down there and something has caused her to stop doing this. It's not unreasonable at all to ask her to start grooming again. Personally, I wouldn't let myself get to a stage where I'm not grooming, but there has to be a reason why she's suddenly stopped. I'd concentrate on asking her why rather than asking her to do it.

Good point.

I just wish she shared that point of view!

Meauldsegosha

wotsit wrote: »

Just say this next time she's heading for a bath/shower:

''hey babe, do something for me would you? Shave your (whatever you like to call it) and I'll be so turned on I'm gonna make you scream in ecstasy , love you soo much babe (hugs and kisses)'' Hold her close and say it gently making sure to hug and kiss her before she even has a chance to get embarrassed or anything....then walk away quickly giving her a chance to recover herself and also this is removing the chance of her being embarrassed in any way if you are waiting for a reply and standing there looking at her.



Seriously this will work, and all over in 5 minutes, not a problem anymore

This will not work OP. If anything it's likely to cause more of an issue between you and your partner. I agree with LyndaMcL there has to be a reason why she stopped grooming. That is what you need to find out and address.

Good luck

wotsit

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

This will not work OP. If anything it's likely to cause more of an issue between you and your partner. I agree with LyndaMcL there has to be a reason why she stopped grooming. That is what you need to find out and address.

Good luck

I guess you're right, why address a sensitive issue with love and sensitivity and a sense of lightness when you can sit down and confront her with a deadly serious conversation and make the issue as big as it can be..

Meauldsegosha

wotsit wrote: »

I guess you're right, why address a sensitive issue with love and sensitivity and a sense of lightness when you can sit down and confront her with a deadly serious conversation and make the issue as big as it can be..

I'm sorry but I don't think there is anything sensitive about your approach to the situation. To me it sounds selfish, it's like 'here love have a shave of your bits so I can have sex. Oh and here's a hug and a kiss so it looks like I care'.

wotsit

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I'm sorry but I don't think there is anything sensitive about your approach to the situation. To me it sounds selfish, it's like 'here love have a shave of your bits so I can have sex. Oh and here's a hug and a kiss so it looks like I care'.

If you can't imagine doing that with love that's your problem

kat.mac

I don't think there'e anything wrong with you wanting her to go back to her old routine. If it's affecting your enjoyment of sex, it's going to affect hers too, ultimately. Besides, if she wanst/expects/enjoys you getting busy down there, I think it's only reasonable that she should make it as pleasant as possible for you.

Perhaps it could be as simple as you telling her that you really loved the way she used to groom... And you'd love if she went back to that.